DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m struggling with a bit of a dilemma.

I’m a divorced 47 year old man and in the last two years since the divorce, I have another 10 month relationship and have been out on a number of other dates. I feel like I’m over my ex-wife and am ready for another relationship.

Recently I started seeing a woman about my age who just got out of a 3-year relationship with someone who cheated on her. She is still hurting from that relationship but she says that she wants to move on. We’ve had five dates very good in the last couple of months and had good sex twice. I feel a strong connection with her, we have a lot in common, can talk to each other easily. Frankly I feel like I’m falling in love for the first time in years.

Here’s the problem. It seems like we are on two different “schedules.” She says she wants to take it slow and I am ready to move quickly. She says she “really, really likes me” (and I believe her) but she also says that her friends tell her that she should she should be out there playing the field. She seems to agree with them because she told me she is attracted to another guy and wants to go out with him. She also said she doesn’t want to sleep with either of us until she figures things out.

Obviously I can only control my own actions, so my question boils down to this: How long do I wait before I pull the plug? I want to be reasonable and give her a bit of time to heal from her past relationship but I also don’t want to be waiting around for a long time only to find that I was just the rebound guy.

Thanks for your help!

Miserable in Minneapolis

DEAR MISERABLE IN MINNEAPOLIS: the issue isn’t that you’re on different schedules MIM (although you are – everyone recovers from break-ups and divorces at their own pace) but that you’re at different places in your respective timelines. You’ve been single for a while now – more than a year – with another relationship under your belt. You’ve grieved the loss of the relationship, you’ve gotten yourself back into emotional shape and you’re ready to jump back into the game. That’s awesome! Your prospective girlfriend, on the other hand, is not as far removed from her relationship and the hurt it’s caused her. She wants to move on, but wanting to and doing so are two different things and unfortunately, the only thing that really helps a person heal is time.

And this is before we get into the other factors that are influencing her decisions right now.

To start with, she’s probably dealing with complicated feelings about relationships and monogamy. Having just gotten out of a long-term relationship, especially one that ended so badly, she may be a bit gun-shy over the topic. She may like you but she’s not ready to give you the level of commitment you’re looking for because the last time she did, she got hurt pretty damn badly. She may be second-guessing her own feelings and worrying that the way she feels for you (or for the other guy she likes) may be less about you being you and more about being not-her-ex – a valid fear. She may also be exploring the possibility of just not committing to anyone right now.

Then there’s the fears of being on the rebound – something that her friends are no doubt contributing to. I have problems with the idea of “rebound relationships” because those are almost always just what we call the relationships we get into after we break up with somebody else. We tend to assume that the cause of the problems in the “rebound” relationship is it’s proximity to a previous relationship, but correlation isn’t causation.  All of those “rebound” relationships fail for the same reasons that every relationship fails; it has less to do with how soon it is after a break-up and everything to do with the standard array of relationship issues including getting into a relationship when you’re still in pain.

Even if you gave her a couple years to recover, that’s no guarantee that you’re not going to break up with her anyway. Those are the risks you take when dating.

Now what should you do about it? Well, it depends ultimately on you. Everyone heals at their own pace and there’s no way to know how much time she’s going to need. Are you looking for something exclusive right now, or are you willing to be in a more casual relationship with her? Is she someone you specifically want to date so much so that you’re willing to accept that it may be months or even years before she’s ready as the price of entry? Are you willing to wait with the knowledge that she may well decide she wants to date both of you? Or that she may decide she wants to be with someone else entirely?

You’re the only person who can answer these questions. Any number I give you is going to be completely arbitrary; it all depends on how you feel about her and the potential relationship.l

I would say that I don’t think committing yourself to her exclusively while she’s recovering is a good idea. You should be willing to date around too. Not only will it get you to meet more people – ones who may well be in the same place you are and looking for the right 47-year old divorcee to settle down with – but it will help curb the potential resentment of “I waited for you X long and you still chose someone else?”

But like I said: you’re the only person who can decide these things.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am wondering how to cope with the feeling that I am basically the Forever Alone guy in my social circle. Several months ago, I got out of a very toxic relationship of many years, and I was quite happy that this relationship came to an end. I am genuinely ready to start a new relationship, but I feel like I am at a dead end. I don’t know of any single women in my social circle, none of my friends or relatives (who are all in long term relationships) are willing to introduce me to anyone, and nothing I tried has led to anything. What’s worse, this is the exact same situation as before the toxic relationship.

What irks me is that everyone around me keeps saying I have a lot of good qualities, that I’m quite conventionally good looking and that I should have no problem getting dates, yet as I mentioned, they won’t introduce me to anyone, and they don’t give me any specific reason why. I tried online dating, and I sent messages to women I liked and/or who repeatedly checked my profile, but I never even got one reply, let alone a first date. (As far as I can tell, my messages were courteous and expressed genuine interest. I doubt they came off as creepy, but obviously, that’s not for me to judge.) I go out to bars and clubs when my schedule allows, and I have no problem approaching women I would like to get to know, but they never show any interest in talking to me. And so on, and so forth…

It’s obvious that the problem is me. I wish I could pinpoint what’s wrong with me, but I’m at a stage where the only answer I can think of is “everything”. I would like my friends to be honest enough to tell me what’s wrong with me, but then again, they seem to genuinely think I’m a good, and even desirable, person. I don’t want to end up in groups like Men Going Their Own Way, I have read enough about PUA to be thoroughly disgusted by it, and I don’t blame women for my situation. I know this is all my fault, but I don’t know why. As I mentioned above, this is the same pattern I was in before my bad relationship, and I would like nothing so much as to break the old patterns, but they keep repeating themselves despite my best intentions.

I really enjoy taking women out on dates, making sure that they enjoy themselves and that they feel special, but I fear that for the foreseeable future, this will not be possible anymore. Is it time for me to give up and accept that I’m Forever Alone? If so, how do I cope with this? If not, what would you suggest I do to get rid of this feeling?

Thank you for taking the time to read this, and I hope to read from you soon,

– Heading Nowhere

DEAR HEADING NOWHERE: You’re in a tricky situation, HN, and I feel for you. You’re right: you’re the only common denominator in all of your relationships and sometimes that means you have to accept that you’re the problem. But it’s a damned pain in the ass when you understand that things need to improve but you have no idea where.

The first thing that sets off my Spidey-sense is the fact that your friends and family won’t introduce you to people. Are they refusing to, or just don’t have anyone It’s one thing to be unable to – their immediate friends may not be compatible with you or they may not know anyone who’s single and looking – but another entirely to flat-out refuse. If they won’t say why, I’m inclined to believe it’s the latter… usually when our friends don’t want to give a specific reason, it’s because they’re trying to avoid causing offense or hurting our feelings.

Now the big thing to keep in mind is that people’s dating problems usually come down to one of two categories. The first is a matter of skill – their hearts are in the right place but they’re not good at talking to women or presenting themselves in an attractive way. The other is a matter of attitude and personality – they may have entitlement issues or be excessively negative, or too needy or any number of issues. If your friends and family are refusing to introduce you to other people, I’d suspect that the answer is more internal than skill based. But without actually watching you in action, I can’t really say.

I WILL say that a scarcity mentality and a fear of being Forever Alone will translate into your day to day actions and behaviors and can be off-putting to people. Trust me: people are not nearly as good at hiding issues like that as they like to think they are.

What I’m going to recommend is that you start off doing some yoga and mindfulness meditation. These will help you with your anxiety; mindfulness meditation is like being handed root access for your brain, so you can be more aware of the underlying processes and emotions that are affecting you. Meanwhile, the yoga will help relax you and ease your depression, allowing you to think clearer and be calmer.

Next, what I would do is sit down with a couple of trusted friends or family members and ask them to be honest with you about just why they’re not willing to introduce you to someone else. Reassure them that you want them to be honest: you recognize you need to change things, but you’re not sure what. And then… well, brace yourself. If it’s something you’re doing, then they may demure, but they may also tell you exactly what they think, and that probably won’t be pretty. You’re going to have to force yourself to not get defensive or – worse – start castigating yourself for not recognizing that you do X. The whole point of this is to figure out what you’re doing wrong, and you can’t improve if you let yourself fall into a spiral of self-blame. As uncomfortable – even painful – as it might be, it also means you now have something to work towards. Think of it like lancing a boil or cleaning an infection – it’s going to hurt, but it’s the kind of hurt that helps you heal as long as you can white-knuckle your way through it.

I’d also recommend working your way through the archives on my site, especially focusing on articles relating to skills and online dating. It might not be a bad idea to have a friend look over your dating profile and the messages you’ve been sending out; sometimes an outside opinion can be helpful. I’d  also be remiss if I didn’t point out that my ebook might help you as well.

And while you’re at it: keep a journal. Write down everything about your interactions with people, as objectively and dispassionately as possible, with as much detail as you can manage. Sometimes we’re too close to see the patterns in our lives; writing it down and going over several entries at once can help provide some perspective and identify recurring issues you may not otherwise notice.

You’re not hopeless, HN, you’re just in a tricky situation. But you’re going to get out of it.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Recently, I had a potential relationship fall through. As I was moving on, I looked through your article “5 Times When You Shouldn’t Be Dating“ over on your website.

This definitely applies to me, as there are plenty of things I should work on before starting to look again. The problem is I’m still wanting to go about finding someone. How should I go about dealing with these feelings while I attempt to improve my circumstances? 

Wrong Place, Wrong Time

DEAR WRONG PLACE, WRONG TIME: I’m sorry things fell apart for you, WPWT, but you should take heart that you’re doing the right thing. One of the things that can be useful in the wake of a break up is to do a sort of self-assessment. As you get distance and the pain of the break up isn’t so immediate, taking the time to ask “so, what went wrong?” is great way to learn and grow from an otherwise painful experience.

Sometimes the answer as simple as “we were just not right for each other, no harm, no foul.” Other times, as evidently your case, it may be that you just weren’t in a good place mentally or emotionally. And when that’s the case, taking some time away from dating is a good idea. Dealing with rejection and break-ups can be exhausting, even for people who enjoy dating and all the steps of the human mating dance. Beating your head against that particular wall too many times can leave you feeling lower than a snake’s ass in a wagon rut.

Putting dating on pause for a while is a great way to recharge your batteries and free up some much needed mental bandwidth to get your head right and work on yourself.

Problem is: you may know that you need a break, but your heart (and other bits) may not have gotten the message. So while you’re ready to shut down Tinder and spend a few more Saturday nights at home, you still feel that nagging urge: “shouldn’t you be trying to get out there?” It can be worse when your Instagram seems to be nothing but happy couples canoodling all over the place and Facebook is full of people talking about how awesome their girlfriends or boyfriends are.

And to be fair: there’s a lot of social pressure to just couple up. We’re all neck deep in a sea that sees being single as a problem to be solved, instead of just a state of being. That fear of missing out is very real; after all, what if Ms. Right (or Ms. Near As, Dammit) shows up while you’re on your social sabbatical? Did you miss your only chance at happiness because you decided you were on a break?

What do you do when you want to just press pause on things while you get back into fighting shape?

First: remind yourself that this is temporary, not forever. It’s not as though you’re joining a monastery in the mountains of Tibet; you’re just taking some time away from dating in order to sort your life out. As much as you might feel like every day that goes by means that the supply of singles is dwindling away, love really can no point where the window for love is closed forever wait. There’s no statute of limitations on romance,. People in their 60s and 70s and 80s fall in love, get married and have absurd amounts of sex.

(No, for real. Senior centers are dealing with skyrocketing levels of STIs among their clientele.)

Second: reframe how you see this break. One of the reasons why it can be hard to take a break from dating is because it feels like failure. You feel like you’re giving up, when everything and everybody is telling you to get back up and get back in there. But as any fighter can tell you: getting back up just to run into the same fist is a bad idea. Sometimes you will find that you’re just outmatched. In those cases, it’s better to take the L… because while you may not be able to win that fight, you’ll be in a better position to win the next one.

You’re not taking a break because you’re a failure or because dating was a mistake. You’re going into training. You’re doing the social equivalent of every martial artist who goes into isolation to hone their skills. You’re building yourself up and developing the mindset and lifestyle you need to utterly dominate the dating market. You’re not a loser licking his wounds, you’re Rocky Balboa running the steps on the Philadelphia Museum of Art until you can make it to the top.

Every time you feel that nagging voice that tells you that you should be trying to find someone, remind yourself that you’re doing this so that you can. After all, it doesn’t do you any good to meet someone who’s right for you at a time when you aren’t right for them.

Third: Get busy. Not just with your self-improvement regimen, but with your life. One of the best ways to beat feeling lonely is to fill your life with activity. Finding things that engage you – not just busy work, but things that you actually care about – is a great way to feel more satisfied with your life over all. It’s harder to feel like you’re missing out on things when you have so many cool things to do and see and experience – so many so that you might not have time for them all.

Of course, it certainly doesn’t hurt that living an amazing life full of cool experiences is a great way to meet women when you are ready to get back out there…

Fourth: Get social. Another reason why taking a break from dating can feel so lonely is because, frankly, we have a tendency to hermit up. Guys especially are bad about relying on romantic relationships for all of their social and emotional needs. As a result, when we find ourselves single again, we’re left isolated because… well, there was nobody else.

That is, needless to say, no bueno. We are all social creatures; isolating ourselves is as bad for our physical health as smoking. And it’s even worse for our mental and emotional health.

So while you’re working on yourself and getting yourself back into fighting trim, prioritize reconnecting with your friends and family. If you’ve let those connections fade, then now is a great time to reach back out to them and rebuild things. Haven’t talked to your brother, your dad or your best friend from college for a while? Hit ’em up and catch up on what’s been going on in your lives. Get some friends together to catch the game, the WestWorld season premier or just hang around and play Gang Beasts on your PS4.

Rebuilding those connections and feeling like you have your community, your Team You at your back is vital. Not only does it help to close the hole you feel in your social life, but it can be a vital part of reinvigorating you. Taking care of yourself can be a long, frustrating process and it can be incredibly demoralizing at times. You may feel like you don’t have the strength to improve. You may think that there’s just too much. But knowing that you have these people in your corner, cheering you on and supporting you is huge.

and finally:

Don’t let those feelings stress you out. They’re perfectly natural. You don’t need to try to force yourself to not feel them; in fact, it’s better that you just let them wash over you and past you. Feel the hell out of them, note them and let them go. They’re just a reminder of what you have to look forward to when you are ready to get back in the pit. And you’ll be there soon enough.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I recently asked a friend I’ve known for a little over a year out on a real date.

We’ve had a casual creative relationship. We both work in somewhat the same field, and would meet up for coffee, friendly drinks, or events and talk are.

I recently started becoming attracted to her as more than a friend, and asked her out.

As per your advice, I let her know it was totally cool if she didn’t feel the same. She responded that she values what we have and didn’t want that to change.

Which meant no.

I told her that’s totally cool. I value what we have together too and won’t bring it up again unless she does, and that we should remain friends.

She was glad I brought it up because she felt there was always some vague, uncertain tension between us.

Sure I was a bit disappointed, but I’m actually pretty cool about it all. I’m in a great point in my life, which gave me the courage to ask her out. So everything I said is true, I’d like to remain professional, creative friends. And promised her that nothing would change.

The only dilemma I’m having is I’ve been thinking about how to go about setting some boundaries for our friendship going forward.

Something I told another friend is that I’m still open to hang with the girl I asked out, but in fewer situations that might be confused for romantic (like nice moody bars), or do things that are “datey”, and keep it professional. That includes our conversations. The girl I asked out and I would sometimes go on these pseudo-dates, which caused that uncertainty. And I want to avoid that going forward.

My friend I was telling this to said that I wasn’t keeping my promise then, and that things ARE going to change going forward.

Am I wrong here by tweaking the dynamic of our friendship going forward?

I’m not ignoring/ghosting her. I’m not mad at her at all. I do feel I made a bit of a mistake of not being upfront in the beginning/or setting boundaries. Even though I didn’t like her that way early on, I was pulling out things I normally reserve for dates cause she was fun and is attractive. I just think that I should reserve that side of me for romantic pursuits, as I don’t do a lot of that stuff with my other friends I have creative, professional relationships with, so why should I have to keep doing it with her?

What are you thoughts? 

Finally Chill About Rejection

DEAR FINALLY CHILL ABOUT REJECTION: There is absolutely nothing wrong with changing things up in the face of rejection, FCAR – especially if you’re doing so in the name of maintaining your friendship. After all, it doesn’t do any good to try to be friends if you’re ripping your heart out every time you see them. Nor, for that matter, do you want to keep behaving as though you’re trying to date them.

Just as you want to act like a potential lover with someone you want to date, if you want to be friends with someone, you need to act like a friend with them. However, don’t mistake avoiding a dating frame for cutting emotional intimacy to zero. Friends hang out, friends grab dinner and go do things together. As with many behaviors, it’s context that makes a difference – including the context of your friendship. If your friendship is primarily based around being fellow creatives, then let that be the foundation of how you two behave together. Hang out, grab coffee and talk shop, trade news and tips, and so forth. Treat her exactly the same as you’d treat other friends you have in the industry.

However, one thing I always suggest is to not necessarily limit your friendships either. Sometimes important friendships start as casual “we work in the same industry”and end up being an important part of your life – without a romantic component. So by all means, dial things back, especially so you can let your more amorous feelings fade. But don’t hold be quick to hold people at arm’s length in the name of “we’re just colleagues” either. You may have connected because of your work, but sometimes that can be the start of a beautiful friendship.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve gotten myself into a bit of an anxious state after a date went bad a few days ago.

For context, the date seemed to go quite well initially. Despite the initial plan falling through we found somewhere else to go and had a bit of a laugh about the situation. A couple of hours after the date I sent a quick message just to say thanks and that I’d had a fun evening. She called me and told me she was upset that I hadn’t made a move. I apologised and said that it must have been miscommunication largely down to a lack of experience. She then said that she’d be quite happy to come over and “fix” that. Being the idiot I am I made the same mistake twice in misreading the situation and thought she was joking so laughed it off. I realised my mistake immediately from her change of tone, tried to backpedal but she gave me a “whatever” and hung up.

No big deal in itself, plenty of other people out there. Problem is that we have quite a number of mutual friends and there’s a get together next week that not only she will be at, but there’s a high likelihood that I’ll have to interact with her (it’s a social dance where we rotate partners so everyone dances with everyone else). I don’t want to not go but at the same time I don’t really relish seeing her again, especially since our last interaction ended on such a sour note.

Should I not go? Should I duck out early to avoid her? Should I mention something to my friends so that I don’t have to dance with her (without really letting on why)? Or maybe all of these options are simply cowardly and I should just grin and bear it if I’m forced to interact with her? These things seem so much less sticky when it’s with people I don’t know to well…

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Kind Regards

An Anxious Idiot

DEAR AN ANXIOUS IDIOT: When you’re starting out, sometimes it can be hard to pick up on the signals that someone is sending you, AAI. Hell, sometimes you miss out on even the screamingly obvious. Let me tell you a story from my bad old days.

There was a night when I was working as a cartoonist and doing some work for a low-budget local paper. It was late and the only people in the office were me and another young woman who was putting the final touches on the layout. While we were talking, I mentioned that I was an anime fan. While she wasn’t that big a fan, but she’d seen a few movies. In fact, what she really dug were the horror genre and wouldn’t you know it, she had one movie she’d wanted to see back in her room but hadn’t had the guts to watch it and would I like to go keep her company so she’d feel safe?

(The movie in question, incidentally, happened to be one of the most notorious animated porn movies at the time.)

My response? “Nah, thanks, I want to get this finished before I go to bed.”

It was only days later that I realized that what she was doing was asking if I’d like to come up for a hot cup of sex.

…oops.

Now in your case AAI, you managed to miss her signals and inadvertently told her that you thought it was hilarious that she was interested in you. So, not gonna lie: you managed to jam both feet in your mouth with room for her fist for dessert. However, the good news is that this isn’t as bad as it could be. You were kind of an idiot, but honestly? This isn’t social doom… unless you compound that mess. See, the problem is that laughed at her. That stings. A lot.  Ducking out or trying to avoid her – or asking your friends to keep her away is just going to end up doubling down on the impression that you really don’t like her. And that is going to make things far more awkward than if you just sucked it up.

If you want to fix this, you’re going to have to smooth over that mistake. That means you need to apologize to her. Preferably in person. The fact that you two are going to be at the same event together is the perfect opportunity to do this. The best thing you can do is go over to her and say “Hey, can I talk to you for a second? Listen, I messed up last week. I completely misunderstood what you were saying and I thought you were joking around. I think I may have come of like I was laughing at you instead of with you and I’m just really sorry about that. I really think you’re cool and I got nervous and shoved my foot in my mouth. So, again, I’m sorry.”

Once you’ve said this: leave it alone. The ball’s in her court now, and she’ll let you know how things are going to go.

Now that having been said: it’s entirely possible that she’s not quite as angry as you expect she is. It’s not impossible that she gets that you said something stupid and the whole thing is water under the bridge. It may even be something the two of you will laugh about later on. But you should still apologize, if only so that you don’t freak out every time you see her from now on.

And, honestly, AAI? Don’t be ashamed of making mistakes. Mistakes are signs that you tried something outside of your comfort zone. We learn far more from our mistakes than we do from our successes, which is why it’s important to go out and make mistakes. The key is that you learn from them and make different mistakes in the future.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 49 year-old gay male that has been in several but relatively continuous long-term relationships ever since coming out at 23. For the past six months, however, I’ve been single – which is the longest that I have ever been single. Although I have enjoyed these past 6 months, I would prefer to be in a relationship. But I think I am too jaded now. Ideally I want the next relationship to be the last one. I want to make sure that I choose wisely to improve the odds, as much as humanly possible, that this next one will work out.

So I want you to analyze my selection process and tell me if I need to tweak or flat out change some of it, because, I don’t trust myself anymore.

Let me start off by saying that I am above average in looks (a solid 8), fit, relatively healthy (physically, emotionally, and mentally), financially stable, and genuinely an all-around good natured nice guy. It is relatively easy for me to find guys to go out on a date. Most of them soon after want to pursue a relationship whenever they realize that I’m a “catch”. I, on the other hand, recently find myself now holding off more than I used to. Am I too jaded?

So here is my process.

1. I usually start by determining how sexually attracted I am to the other person. Unfortunately when the guy is “super hot”, I then find myself ignoring “red flags”. The last guy I dated was a Greek god physically, so I ignored the fact that he was a functioning addict for several months. I’ve also tried dating guys that I wasn’t all goo-goo-gaga over their physical attributes (say a 6 out of 10), but had other qualities… However, with these guys, the physical aspects that I didn’t find attractive became bigger over time. So how much weight should one put on initial sexual attraction without it becoming a blinding force or a future hindrance? My current feeling is that I should look for other solid 8s.

2. My next step is determining if it is easy spending the day together. Do we have similar interests? Do I enjoy talking to this person? But I also want him to have his own social circle or interests because I don’t want to be joined in the hip, so we also need to be able to be apart and be comfortable with that. However, it seems that most guys take the time apart as an opportunity to have sex, not to take up golf or join a book club. Am I being unreasonable?

3. Which brings me to my next step – communication and transparency. Life has taught me that most people lie. They lie to create a persona that they want to be – rather than just own up to who you are and embrace it. So it takes me months or years before I find out that the guy cannot be monogamous, or that they have anger management issues, or that they have a drug addiction, or whatnot. So now I usually find myself digging into people’s back stories to find out the truth, rather than just taking what they say at face value. But that usually takes a lot of time. Is there a faster way to get to know people’s true core?

Thank you in advance for your fresh perspective.

Too Judicious or Jaded?

DEAR TOO JUDICIOUS OR JADED: I think your biggest problem is is that you’re trying to ward off every possible problem before it can happen. A lot of folks do this; they want to find the perfect path to the “best ending” of the relationship without taking any real risks. The problem is: you can’t eliminate risk when it comes to dating and relationships. You can have as many systems and procedures set up as you want, but humans are chaos personified; no matter what precautions you take, people will slip through. And honestly, the amount of testing you’re trying to do is going to push dudes away before you even have a chance to start wondering about their long-term potential.

Don’t get me wrong: you actually have a better grasp on things than you realize. You have a pretty good idea of what you want and – critically – where your blindspots are. The place where you go off the rails is in how you’re trying to compensate for these blindspots.

Take your plan to deal with your willingness to ignore danger signs in dudes with the hotness. The key isn’t “just date guys who’re moderately hot” it’s “get your libido under control so that you don’t let your junk make your decisions for you.” I mean, I get it: I’ve dated and slept with people I knew were bad news, but as soon as the clothes came off, all those red flags just mysteriously vanished. But there comes a point where you have to realize the problem is that since they aren’t going to stop being garbage fires, you are going to have to exercise more self control. Learning to turn down smoking hotness may be a challenge, but it’s a necessary one. Otherwise you’re just going to find yourself going after those 9s and 10s and then saying “Well that’s another fine mess my penis got me into” afterwards.

(And as an aside: I really dislike rating people like that. It’s dehumanizing whether we’re doing it to women or men.)

Similarly, your plan of “how easy is it to spend the day together” has a pretty sizable flaw. In the early days of a relationship, it’s gonna be pretty damn easy. You’re both going to be on your best behavior because this is all still new and fresh and exciting. Your brains are getting drowned in dopamine and oxytocin and everything is amazing and wonderful and easy. It’s later on, when you’re more settled into the relationship that the little quirks you thought were so cute and charming start to become annoying… and then irritating and then become dealbreakers.

I think what you need to do, more than anything else, is start by making sure that you’re looking for the right people. It seems like you’re hoping for a committed, monogamous relationship. While that can feel rare in the gay community, there are dudes out there who want the same thing you do: they want to find someone and settle down. Start by looking for people who’re more likely to be on the same page as you. Part of this may hinge on where you’re meeting them – while you can find dudes at bars or on Grindr who’re of a mind to settle down, you’re more likely to find them through your social circle or get-togethers where hooking up isn’t the main goal.

Next, if you want to know what they’re actually like, then remember: deeds, not words. You need to pay attention to how they behave, not what they say. How do they treat you? Are they considerate and attentive, or dismissive and evasive? How do they treat others? Are they polite and courteous? Catty and dismissive? Excessively flirty and inappropriate? Are they drama magnets where nothing is ever their fault, or do they have their sh*t together? Are they the sort of person who actually lives their professed values or do they say one thing and do another entirely?

How do they respond when they’re frustrated or disappointed? How do they handle conflict? What about when you disagree with them or turn them down?

And, for that matter: how do they respond if you open up a little to them? Do they reciprocate and share more about themselves? Can they be honest with you? Do they close up? Or, for that matter, do they overshare, dishing out more than is really appropriate for where you are in your relationship?

None of this is foolproof and won’t keep out the assholes and the liars… but it certainly cuts down the number considerably. The more practice you have paying attention to how they act, the better you’ll be able to tune your Spidey-sense and catch out the undesirable prospects.

One more thing you need to keep in mind is that dating is a numbers game. Sometimes we’ll get lucky and meet the right person right off the bat, but more often than not, we all have to go through some bad dates and awkward relationships before we find the person we need. But you can’t get through to the guy you need without taking a chance. So go out and date a little. Keep your head in the game (instead of your junk), keep your eyes open and take your time. Give yourself a chance to get to know these guys for who they really are and you’ll find the one you’ve been waiting for.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)