DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Recently, I had a potential relationship fall through. As I was moving on, I looked through your article “5 Times When You Shouldn’t Be Dating“ over on your website.

This definitely applies to me, as there are plenty of things I should work on before starting to look again. The problem is I’m still wanting to go about finding someone. How should I go about dealing with these feelings while I attempt to improve my circumstances? 

Wrong Place, Wrong Time

DEAR WRONG PLACE, WRONG TIME: I’m sorry things fell apart for you, WPWT, but you should take heart that you’re doing the right thing. One of the things that can be useful in the wake of a break up is to do a sort of self-assessment. As you get distance and the pain of the break up isn’t so immediate, taking the time to ask “so, what went wrong?” is great way to learn and grow from an otherwise painful experience.

Sometimes the answer as simple as “we were just not right for each other, no harm, no foul.” Other times, as evidently your case, it may be that you just weren’t in a good place mentally or emotionally. And when that’s the case, taking some time away from dating is a good idea. Dealing with rejection and break-ups can be exhausting, even for people who enjoy dating and all the steps of the human mating dance. Beating your head against that particular wall too many times can leave you feeling lower than a snake’s ass in a wagon rut.

Putting dating on pause for a while is a great way to recharge your batteries and free up some much needed mental bandwidth to get your head right and work on yourself.

Problem is: you may know that you need a break, but your heart (and other bits) may not have gotten the message. So while you’re ready to shut down Tinder and spend a few more Saturday nights at home, you still feel that nagging urge: “shouldn’t you be trying to get out there?” It can be worse when your Instagram seems to be nothing but happy couples canoodling all over the place and Facebook is full of people talking about how awesome their girlfriends or boyfriends are.

And to be fair: there’s a lot of social pressure to just couple up. We’re all neck deep in a sea that sees being single as a problem to be solved, instead of just a state of being. That fear of missing out is very real; after all, what if Ms. Right (or Ms. Near As, Dammit) shows up while you’re on your social sabbatical? Did you miss your only chance at happiness because you decided you were on a break?

What do you do when you want to just press pause on things while you get back into fighting shape?

First: remind yourself that this is temporary, not forever. It’s not as though you’re joining a monastery in the mountains of Tibet; you’re just taking some time away from dating in order to sort your life out. As much as you might feel like every day that goes by means that the supply of singles is dwindling away, love really can no point where the window for love is closed forever wait. There’s no statute of limitations on romance,. People in their 60s and 70s and 80s fall in love, get married and have absurd amounts of sex.

(No, for real. Senior centers are dealing with skyrocketing levels of STIs among their clientele.)

Second: reframe how you see this break. One of the reasons why it can be hard to take a break from dating is because it feels like failure. You feel like you’re giving up, when everything and everybody is telling you to get back up and get back in there. But as any fighter can tell you: getting back up just to run into the same fist is a bad idea. Sometimes you will find that you’re just outmatched. In those cases, it’s better to take the L… because while you may not be able to win that fight, you’ll be in a better position to win the next one.

You’re not taking a break because you’re a failure or because dating was a mistake. You’re going into training. You’re doing the social equivalent of every martial artist who goes into isolation to hone their skills. You’re building yourself up and developing the mindset and lifestyle you need to utterly dominate the dating market. You’re not a loser licking his wounds, you’re Rocky Balboa running the steps on the Philadelphia Museum of Art until you can make it to the top.

Every time you feel that nagging voice that tells you that you should be trying to find someone, remind yourself that you’re doing this so that you can. After all, it doesn’t do you any good to meet someone who’s right for you at a time when you aren’t right for them.

Third: Get busy. Not just with your self-improvement regimen, but with your life. One of the best ways to beat feeling lonely is to fill your life with activity. Finding things that engage you – not just busy work, but things that you actually care about – is a great way to feel more satisfied with your life over all. It’s harder to feel like you’re missing out on things when you have so many cool things to do and see and experience – so many so that you might not have time for them all.

Of course, it certainly doesn’t hurt that living an amazing life full of cool experiences is a great way to meet women when you are ready to get back out there…

Fourth: Get social. Another reason why taking a break from dating can feel so lonely is because, frankly, we have a tendency to hermit up. Guys especially are bad about relying on romantic relationships for all of their social and emotional needs. As a result, when we find ourselves single again, we’re left isolated because… well, there was nobody else.

That is, needless to say, no bueno. We are all social creatures; isolating ourselves is as bad for our physical health as smoking. And it’s even worse for our mental and emotional health.

So while you’re working on yourself and getting yourself back into fighting trim, prioritize reconnecting with your friends and family. If you’ve let those connections fade, then now is a great time to reach back out to them and rebuild things. Haven’t talked to your brother, your dad or your best friend from college for a while? Hit ’em up and catch up on what’s been going on in your lives. Get some friends together to catch the game, the WestWorld season premier or just hang around and play Gang Beasts on your PS4.

Rebuilding those connections and feeling like you have your community, your Team You at your back is vital. Not only does it help to close the hole you feel in your social life, but it can be a vital part of reinvigorating you. Taking care of yourself can be a long, frustrating process and it can be incredibly demoralizing at times. You may feel like you don’t have the strength to improve. You may think that there’s just too much. But knowing that you have these people in your corner, cheering you on and supporting you is huge.

and finally:

Don’t let those feelings stress you out. They’re perfectly natural. You don’t need to try to force yourself to not feel them; in fact, it’s better that you just let them wash over you and past you. Feel the hell out of them, note them and let them go. They’re just a reminder of what you have to look forward to when you are ready to get back in the pit. And you’ll be there soon enough.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I recently asked a friend I’ve known for a little over a year out on a real date.

We’ve had a casual creative relationship. We both work in somewhat the same field, and would meet up for coffee, friendly drinks, or events and talk are.

I recently started becoming attracted to her as more than a friend, and asked her out.

As per your advice, I let her know it was totally cool if she didn’t feel the same. She responded that she values what we have and didn’t want that to change.

Which meant no.

I told her that’s totally cool. I value what we have together too and won’t bring it up again unless she does, and that we should remain friends.

She was glad I brought it up because she felt there was always some vague, uncertain tension between us.

Sure I was a bit disappointed, but I’m actually pretty cool about it all. I’m in a great point in my life, which gave me the courage to ask her out. So everything I said is true, I’d like to remain professional, creative friends. And promised her that nothing would change.

The only dilemma I’m having is I’ve been thinking about how to go about setting some boundaries for our friendship going forward.

Something I told another friend is that I’m still open to hang with the girl I asked out, but in fewer situations that might be confused for romantic (like nice moody bars), or do things that are “datey”, and keep it professional. That includes our conversations. The girl I asked out and I would sometimes go on these pseudo-dates, which caused that uncertainty. And I want to avoid that going forward.

My friend I was telling this to said that I wasn’t keeping my promise then, and that things ARE going to change going forward.

Am I wrong here by tweaking the dynamic of our friendship going forward?

I’m not ignoring/ghosting her. I’m not mad at her at all. I do feel I made a bit of a mistake of not being upfront in the beginning/or setting boundaries. Even though I didn’t like her that way early on, I was pulling out things I normally reserve for dates cause she was fun and is attractive. I just think that I should reserve that side of me for romantic pursuits, as I don’t do a lot of that stuff with my other friends I have creative, professional relationships with, so why should I have to keep doing it with her?

What are you thoughts? 

Finally Chill About Rejection

DEAR FINALLY CHILL ABOUT REJECTION: There is absolutely nothing wrong with changing things up in the face of rejection, FCAR – especially if you’re doing so in the name of maintaining your friendship. After all, it doesn’t do any good to try to be friends if you’re ripping your heart out every time you see them. Nor, for that matter, do you want to keep behaving as though you’re trying to date them.

Just as you want to act like a potential lover with someone you want to date, if you want to be friends with someone, you need to act like a friend with them. However, don’t mistake avoiding a dating frame for cutting emotional intimacy to zero. Friends hang out, friends grab dinner and go do things together. As with many behaviors, it’s context that makes a difference – including the context of your friendship. If your friendship is primarily based around being fellow creatives, then let that be the foundation of how you two behave together. Hang out, grab coffee and talk shop, trade news and tips, and so forth. Treat her exactly the same as you’d treat other friends you have in the industry.

However, one thing I always suggest is to not necessarily limit your friendships either. Sometimes important friendships start as casual “we work in the same industry”and end up being an important part of your life – without a romantic component. So by all means, dial things back, especially so you can let your more amorous feelings fade. But don’t hold be quick to hold people at arm’s length in the name of “we’re just colleagues” either. You may have connected because of your work, but sometimes that can be the start of a beautiful friendship.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve gotten myself into a bit of an anxious state after a date went bad a few days ago.

For context, the date seemed to go quite well initially. Despite the initial plan falling through we found somewhere else to go and had a bit of a laugh about the situation. A couple of hours after the date I sent a quick message just to say thanks and that I’d had a fun evening. She called me and told me she was upset that I hadn’t made a move. I apologised and said that it must have been miscommunication largely down to a lack of experience. She then said that she’d be quite happy to come over and “fix” that. Being the idiot I am I made the same mistake twice in misreading the situation and thought she was joking so laughed it off. I realised my mistake immediately from her change of tone, tried to backpedal but she gave me a “whatever” and hung up.

No big deal in itself, plenty of other people out there. Problem is that we have quite a number of mutual friends and there’s a get together next week that not only she will be at, but there’s a high likelihood that I’ll have to interact with her (it’s a social dance where we rotate partners so everyone dances with everyone else). I don’t want to not go but at the same time I don’t really relish seeing her again, especially since our last interaction ended on such a sour note.

Should I not go? Should I duck out early to avoid her? Should I mention something to my friends so that I don’t have to dance with her (without really letting on why)? Or maybe all of these options are simply cowardly and I should just grin and bear it if I’m forced to interact with her? These things seem so much less sticky when it’s with people I don’t know to well…

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Kind Regards

An Anxious Idiot

DEAR AN ANXIOUS IDIOT: When you’re starting out, sometimes it can be hard to pick up on the signals that someone is sending you, AAI. Hell, sometimes you miss out on even the screamingly obvious. Let me tell you a story from my bad old days.

There was a night when I was working as a cartoonist and doing some work for a low-budget local paper. It was late and the only people in the office were me and another young woman who was putting the final touches on the layout. While we were talking, I mentioned that I was an anime fan. While she wasn’t that big a fan, but she’d seen a few movies. In fact, what she really dug were the horror genre and wouldn’t you know it, she had one movie she’d wanted to see back in her room but hadn’t had the guts to watch it and would I like to go keep her company so she’d feel safe?

(The movie in question, incidentally, happened to be one of the most notorious animated porn movies at the time.)

My response? “Nah, thanks, I want to get this finished before I go to bed.”

It was only days later that I realized that what she was doing was asking if I’d like to come up for a hot cup of sex.

…oops.

Now in your case AAI, you managed to miss her signals and inadvertently told her that you thought it was hilarious that she was interested in you. So, not gonna lie: you managed to jam both feet in your mouth with room for her fist for dessert. However, the good news is that this isn’t as bad as it could be. You were kind of an idiot, but honestly? This isn’t social doom… unless you compound that mess. See, the problem is that laughed at her. That stings. A lot.  Ducking out or trying to avoid her – or asking your friends to keep her away is just going to end up doubling down on the impression that you really don’t like her. And that is going to make things far more awkward than if you just sucked it up.

If you want to fix this, you’re going to have to smooth over that mistake. That means you need to apologize to her. Preferably in person. The fact that you two are going to be at the same event together is the perfect opportunity to do this. The best thing you can do is go over to her and say “Hey, can I talk to you for a second? Listen, I messed up last week. I completely misunderstood what you were saying and I thought you were joking around. I think I may have come of like I was laughing at you instead of with you and I’m just really sorry about that. I really think you’re cool and I got nervous and shoved my foot in my mouth. So, again, I’m sorry.”

Once you’ve said this: leave it alone. The ball’s in her court now, and she’ll let you know how things are going to go.

Now that having been said: it’s entirely possible that she’s not quite as angry as you expect she is. It’s not impossible that she gets that you said something stupid and the whole thing is water under the bridge. It may even be something the two of you will laugh about later on. But you should still apologize, if only so that you don’t freak out every time you see her from now on.

And, honestly, AAI? Don’t be ashamed of making mistakes. Mistakes are signs that you tried something outside of your comfort zone. We learn far more from our mistakes than we do from our successes, which is why it’s important to go out and make mistakes. The key is that you learn from them and make different mistakes in the future.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 49 year-old gay male that has been in several but relatively continuous long-term relationships ever since coming out at 23. For the past six months, however, I’ve been single – which is the longest that I have ever been single. Although I have enjoyed these past 6 months, I would prefer to be in a relationship. But I think I am too jaded now. Ideally I want the next relationship to be the last one. I want to make sure that I choose wisely to improve the odds, as much as humanly possible, that this next one will work out.

So I want you to analyze my selection process and tell me if I need to tweak or flat out change some of it, because, I don’t trust myself anymore.

Let me start off by saying that I am above average in looks (a solid 8), fit, relatively healthy (physically, emotionally, and mentally), financially stable, and genuinely an all-around good natured nice guy. It is relatively easy for me to find guys to go out on a date. Most of them soon after want to pursue a relationship whenever they realize that I’m a “catch”. I, on the other hand, recently find myself now holding off more than I used to. Am I too jaded?

So here is my process.

1. I usually start by determining how sexually attracted I am to the other person. Unfortunately when the guy is “super hot”, I then find myself ignoring “red flags”. The last guy I dated was a Greek god physically, so I ignored the fact that he was a functioning addict for several months. I’ve also tried dating guys that I wasn’t all goo-goo-gaga over their physical attributes (say a 6 out of 10), but had other qualities… However, with these guys, the physical aspects that I didn’t find attractive became bigger over time. So how much weight should one put on initial sexual attraction without it becoming a blinding force or a future hindrance? My current feeling is that I should look for other solid 8s.

2. My next step is determining if it is easy spending the day together. Do we have similar interests? Do I enjoy talking to this person? But I also want him to have his own social circle or interests because I don’t want to be joined in the hip, so we also need to be able to be apart and be comfortable with that. However, it seems that most guys take the time apart as an opportunity to have sex, not to take up golf or join a book club. Am I being unreasonable?

3. Which brings me to my next step – communication and transparency. Life has taught me that most people lie. They lie to create a persona that they want to be – rather than just own up to who you are and embrace it. So it takes me months or years before I find out that the guy cannot be monogamous, or that they have anger management issues, or that they have a drug addiction, or whatnot. So now I usually find myself digging into people’s back stories to find out the truth, rather than just taking what they say at face value. But that usually takes a lot of time. Is there a faster way to get to know people’s true core?

Thank you in advance for your fresh perspective.

Too Judicious or Jaded?

DEAR TOO JUDICIOUS OR JADED: I think your biggest problem is is that you’re trying to ward off every possible problem before it can happen. A lot of folks do this; they want to find the perfect path to the “best ending” of the relationship without taking any real risks. The problem is: you can’t eliminate risk when it comes to dating and relationships. You can have as many systems and procedures set up as you want, but humans are chaos personified; no matter what precautions you take, people will slip through. And honestly, the amount of testing you’re trying to do is going to push dudes away before you even have a chance to start wondering about their long-term potential.

Don’t get me wrong: you actually have a better grasp on things than you realize. You have a pretty good idea of what you want and – critically – where your blindspots are. The place where you go off the rails is in how you’re trying to compensate for these blindspots.

Take your plan to deal with your willingness to ignore danger signs in dudes with the hotness. The key isn’t “just date guys who’re moderately hot” it’s “get your libido under control so that you don’t let your junk make your decisions for you.” I mean, I get it: I’ve dated and slept with people I knew were bad news, but as soon as the clothes came off, all those red flags just mysteriously vanished. But there comes a point where you have to realize the problem is that since they aren’t going to stop being garbage fires, you are going to have to exercise more self control. Learning to turn down smoking hotness may be a challenge, but it’s a necessary one. Otherwise you’re just going to find yourself going after those 9s and 10s and then saying “Well that’s another fine mess my penis got me into” afterwards.

(And as an aside: I really dislike rating people like that. It’s dehumanizing whether we’re doing it to women or men.)

Similarly, your plan of “how easy is it to spend the day together” has a pretty sizable flaw. In the early days of a relationship, it’s gonna be pretty damn easy. You’re both going to be on your best behavior because this is all still new and fresh and exciting. Your brains are getting drowned in dopamine and oxytocin and everything is amazing and wonderful and easy. It’s later on, when you’re more settled into the relationship that the little quirks you thought were so cute and charming start to become annoying… and then irritating and then become dealbreakers.

I think what you need to do, more than anything else, is start by making sure that you’re looking for the right people. It seems like you’re hoping for a committed, monogamous relationship. While that can feel rare in the gay community, there are dudes out there who want the same thing you do: they want to find someone and settle down. Start by looking for people who’re more likely to be on the same page as you. Part of this may hinge on where you’re meeting them – while you can find dudes at bars or on Grindr who’re of a mind to settle down, you’re more likely to find them through your social circle or get-togethers where hooking up isn’t the main goal.

Next, if you want to know what they’re actually like, then remember: deeds, not words. You need to pay attention to how they behave, not what they say. How do they treat you? Are they considerate and attentive, or dismissive and evasive? How do they treat others? Are they polite and courteous? Catty and dismissive? Excessively flirty and inappropriate? Are they drama magnets where nothing is ever their fault, or do they have their sh*t together? Are they the sort of person who actually lives their professed values or do they say one thing and do another entirely?

How do they respond when they’re frustrated or disappointed? How do they handle conflict? What about when you disagree with them or turn them down?

And, for that matter: how do they respond if you open up a little to them? Do they reciprocate and share more about themselves? Can they be honest with you? Do they close up? Or, for that matter, do they overshare, dishing out more than is really appropriate for where you are in your relationship?

None of this is foolproof and won’t keep out the assholes and the liars… but it certainly cuts down the number considerably. The more practice you have paying attention to how they act, the better you’ll be able to tune your Spidey-sense and catch out the undesirable prospects.

One more thing you need to keep in mind is that dating is a numbers game. Sometimes we’ll get lucky and meet the right person right off the bat, but more often than not, we all have to go through some bad dates and awkward relationships before we find the person we need. But you can’t get through to the guy you need without taking a chance. So go out and date a little. Keep your head in the game (instead of your junk), keep your eyes open and take your time. Give yourself a chance to get to know these guys for who they really are and you’ll find the one you’ve been waiting for.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am a 24 year old gamer lady currently engaged to my very own gamer lad. We’ve been together for three years and decided about six months ago that marriage was in the cards.

He is the sweetest, most thoughtful man I have ever dated, and I look forward to spending the rest of my life with him. He’s funny and intelligent, protective, and an overall Good Person. I know he would do anything in his power for me. I aspire to be deserving of this and reciprocate it as best I can, but there is one thing that does bother me, and that is our sex life.

Prior to this relationship, I have had a number of boyfriends and lovers. Not a large number, but enough to realize that I am both a very private and very sensual person. Unfortunately, my fiancé doesn’t have the benefit of that experience- I am his first girlfriend and his first lover. And he’s come to realize he just… doesn’t have much of a sex drive. At all.

At first, I badgered him for sex rather frequently, but then I turned it around and realized that that was wildly inappropriate of me to do- after all, a guy harasses his girlfriend for sex, that’s horrible! So I stopped doing that. Unfortunately, without me aggressively pursuing it… we almost never have intercourse. We’re talking two or three times… a month. In previous relationships, it was at least once a day, and it would have been more if I’d had my way.

I used to feel rejected and like it was my fault, as I am overweight. But I tend to think he’s really just not that sexual of a person. It’s taken some getting used to, to realize that men can be so disinclined towards sex, and we’ve talked about it fairly extensively, but I still worry that it really is just me or that we have poor chemistry.

We’ve found ways to compromise- we snuggle all the time, he’s very affectionate, we have lots of physical contact; he ‘helps’ sometimes, when I masturbate and he’s not in the mood. My own sex drive has died off quite a bit since we started dating, because in spite of logic I do feel sort of rejected. He frequently has erections but his head isn’t in the right place, which is frustrating for me because it’s hard to tell when it’s ‘okay’ to pounce without it being unwanted. We’ve even talked about having an ‘open’ relationship and he’s said he’d be willing to try it, but I really hesitate to even go there- I’m a very private person and I don’t like to open up to people like that without a very high degree of trust, and it just seems selfish of me and risky to our relationship.

I worry that maybe marriage is a bad idea, since our sex drives just seem incompatible, but the fact is, I love this man and I value him more than I value sex… but it’s a daunting prospect, to spend the rest of my life not getting any, when it has, in the past, been so important to me.

Do you have any ideas on compromises? Anything?

Thanks,

Defying Gender Norms

DEAR DEFYING GENDER NORMS: First things first: you have a right to have your sexual needs met in a relationship. Feeling frustrated and wanting to be desired and fulfilled isn’t selfish. It’s a critical part of maintaining a healthy relationship.

One issue I stress over and over again is how important sexual compatibility is to a couple. I’ll be the first to acknowledge that yes, passion fades and sexual desire tends to ebb and flow over the course of a long-term relationship – but that doesn’t mean that partners should feel as though that asking for their needs to be met is an unreasonable request.

Sexual compatibility is more than just making sure that all of the appropriate parts line up in a pleasing manner; it also has to do with being interested in the same activities – or at least willing to indulge in it for the sake of your partner’s pleasure – and, critically, having compatible sex drives. It’s very rare that you will find two people who’s libidos align perfectly; a number of factors will affect an individual’s libido from medication, to diet, to comfort within the relationship, to stress levels, and even age.

(Side note: the idea that women’s sex drives peak in their 30s has less to do with biology and more with sociology. It arose out of the Kinsey studies in the 40s and 50s and didn’t take into account that at the time, a more mature woman is much more likely to feel more comfortable and familiar in her sexuality in a way that a younger woman wouldn’t.)

The common wisdom — which I don’t necessarily agree with — is that most relationships’ sexual frequency will tend to default to the level of the partner with the lower libido. While this makes things easier in some ways on the less active partner, it can also be a source of frustration, even resentment in the partner with the higher libido.

This is why it’s important for the couple to find some form of equilibrium, where everybody feels satisfied even if they’re not getting 100% of what they want.

It’s going to take some digging to get to the bottom of just what the issue is. Your fiancee may just have a low libido normally – possibly even asexual – or me may have outside factors that are killing his sex drive.

Or – and I hate to say it, but I have to put it out there for completeness’ sake —  he may not be attracted to you sexually.

You say that your fiancee still gets erections; that eliminates the first and most obvious question of whether he’s having erectile dysfunction. My next question to you would be whether he masturbates  – that you are aware of – and how often; some asexuals will still masturbate as a way of keeping the prostate drained rather than out of a sense of sexual pleasure.

Following that, I’d want to know whether your sex life has changed. Were things hot and heavy early on and then suddenly plunged off a cliff, or was it always as infrequent as you say? When you say his head isn’t in the right place, is it because he has other things on his mind – work stress, financial problems, random attacks of ennui  – or because he’s just really, really slow to warm up to the idea of wanting to bang?

It’s good that you have found some forms of compromise – being willing to give you a helping hand (or tongue) is good, assuming that he’s not doing it grudgingly. But yes, it’s going to be hard to feel desired and attractive when the person you want to desire you the most is so unresponsive and apparently uninterested. You are a sexual person and while you love your man, this is an area that’s going to become a bone of contention between the two of you… and it may well drive you into the arms of someone else. One partner doesn’t have the right to unilaterally decide that both parties are now done with sex; that’s a very good recipe for infidelity at best and the end of an otherwise great relationship at worst.

I’m going to be honest with you: until you’ve worked out a more successful compromise than snuggling and occasional masturbatory help, marriage is going to be a bad idea. If you’re having problems now, getting married isn’t going to magically solve them, no matter how much you may love each other.

You and your fiancee need to have a very long, very honest and incredibly in-depth talk – possibly with the help of a sex-positive relationship councilor – about just what his issues are with sex. If the two of you are going to be getting married, you need to know right the Hell now whether it’s a case of he’s not attracted to you or whether he’s not attracted to anyone and how you’re going to work around this. This includes a very in depth and frank discussion about opening up the relationship, even if it’s one-sided. I know it can feel as though you’re betraying him, but you need understand: wanting sexual satisfaction is not selfish. You said it yourself: you’re a sexual person and this is an aspect of who you are that is extremely important to you. It’s unfair of him if he were to declare that because he’s not interested in having sex, you’re not allowed to be either.

Now I do want to say: companionate relationships – ones that are based on emotional intimacy and affection but without a sexual component – can and do work, but they usually entail one or both partners having their needs discretely met on the side. You have to ask yourself which is more likely to ruin a relationship: your being allowed off the leash on occasion with your hubby’s permission in order to get your itch scratched, or years of frustrated desire… which has a nasty tendency to turn into resentment and bitterness.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a husband and father in my mid-thirties, and my wife has multiple sclerosis, which has left her with permanent muscle pain and fatigue such that she can’t work or do housework. However, what I’m writing to you about is, simply, the fact that my libido won’t shut up, to the point that I occasionally wish I was dead just so the craving for sex (or at least heavy petting and mutual oral) would stop. 

Even before she developed her disability, my wife’s libido had been on a serious downslope almost from the moment we got married. Within weeks of our wedding we were down to once or twice a week; within a year, once or twice a month; now, nearly 11 years on, it’s two or three painful, awkward, guilt-ridden times a year.

I have what was until very recently called Asperger’s Syndrome and is now just very high-functioning autism, but I wasn’t diagnosed until last year ( stupid Southern medical community) and was too terrified of conflict of any sort to stand up to my wife about anything, least of all sex. Now I’ve finally found a great psychiatrist, therapist and therapy group who help me a lot, but my wife is too mired in hopelessness to think about anything but how unhappy she is. I wish I could just stop wanting sex, but my therapist has gotten me to understand that if I don’t take care of myself, I become unable to care care of my wife and our son as well.

My therapist and psychiatrist have urged me to tell my wife that my needs are my needs, they’re not going away, and if I can’t meet them with her I need to get them met some other way. I mean, we do cuddle a lot, but she’s so miserable about her own body that she shies away from kissing or anything explicitly sexual, no matter how much I assure her that I am coming in with no expectations or preconceptions. She is very closed to any open discussion of emotional or sexual needs and pooh-poohs the very idea of talking about feelings (beyond telling me when she thinks I’m overreacting to something) and is very inclined toward giving up, hiding and escapism (we play Eve Online together, but I can’t fap to that, much less squeak a mattress with it).

So it’s very unlikely that I would ever be able to convince her to “open up” the marriage. But my gonads just won’t shut up no matter how much else I have going on, and porn and hand lotion just get me depressed and lonely these days. And it should go without saying that anything that would endanger the welfare of my family is right out. So while the process of elimination would seem to suggest that I *have* to go behind my wife’s back to keep my sanity, I’m just having a very hard time countenancing doing that – hiding things from the woman I love, lying, diverting more time and money from caring for my family… I mean, you’d think just about anything would beat “become a suicide risk” in a cost-benefit analysis but… I’m hoping like crazy there’s just an option I’m missing here.

I have no trouble socializing with people – I have pretty good (hard-won) social skills, am comfortable striking up conversations, and have asserted my need to at least go to jam sessions at bars a few nights a week, but hanging out playing music is one thing and illicit snu-snu is quite another.

(And I’m already overweight so no castration.)

Dirty Not-Old Man

DEAR DIRTY NOT-OLD MAN: Well here’s a letter that’s going to get me in trouble.

DNOM, I sympathize with both you and the wife. Having a chronic, debilitating condition, especially one that results in constant pain is hard on everybody involved and it’s going to take a psychic toll on the relationship no matter how committed and loving you both are.

That being said: being handicapped in this way isn’t license for being an a

hole.

But let me back up a little here.

Let’s start with the obvious: you’re not a dirty old man and your libido isn’t something to be ashamed of. You love your wife and find her attractive. It’s completely natural that you want to have sex with her. It’s good that you still find her attractive; all too often, people with chronic conditions or physical handicaps start to feel as though they’ve been branded as “nonsexual”, as though having MS rendered somebody as only half-human. So quit stressing over the fact that you want to bone.

But – and here’s the part you’re not going to like – right now you’re well on your way to getting a messy divorce. It’s easy to get a little torn up about this because of your wife’s condition, but you said something significant at the start: Your wife’s libido cratered BEFORE she developed her condition.

Now it’s natural for sex to slow down over the course of a long-term relationship – that’s the Coolidge Effect and it’s part and parcel of being a mammal – but it’s another entirely when it suddenly drops off a cliff. However, it would help if we had more info to work with here. I have several questions about whether she was feeling the symptoms of MS before she got diagnosed, or she’s always had a lower libido than yours and didn’t key you in until after you were married.

Some people – men and women both – will be willing to bang more frequently than they would normally like right up until they’re married. As soon as rings are exchanged, they decide that they’re done with sex for now… and unilaterally deciding that their spouse is too.

And because we live in a sex-negative culture, the person with the higher-libido is shamed for wanting sex; they’re told that they should be willing to sacrifice for their partner, that breaking up with or divorcing someone because they wouldn’t sleep with you as often as you’d like is selfish and that they should be willing to just suck it up and deal because love is so much more than just squishy noises and orgasms.

Of course, sex is unimportant right up until somebody decides to seek it elsewhere… at which point it’s justification for blowing up a relationship without a second glance. Even if the other person has been driven to it.

As I’ve said before: monogamy ain’t easy. All monogamy means is that you CHOOSE not to; it doesn’t say a damn thing about not WANTING too. And despite what culture and movies tell us, romantic love doesn’t turn your libido into single-target sexuality. Humans are novelty-seeking creatures, and that includes our sex lives. Being attracted to other people, even when we’re madly in love, is absolutely, perfectly normal.

So let’s look at your situation in particular, DNOM. You’re horny. Your wife isn’t, and hasn’t been for years. This alone is going to cause problems that will ultimately undermine your marriage.

Now, let’s be clear: this isn’t just someone saying “I’m going to withhold sex because SCREW YOU PENIS, THAT’S WHY.” There are very real, serious underlying causes to her lack of libido: loss of sexual desire, chronic fatigue and pain during intercourse are all symptoms of multiple-sclerosis. Throw depression on top of that – another notorious libido killer — and you’ve basically ensured that she’s not going to be DTF any time in the near future.

One of the keys to making a relationship work is for both partners to be willing to be giving in bed — and this means making some compromises, like I told Defying Gender Norms earlier. If for whatever reason they won’t or can’t, then the only ethical thing to do is have a conversation about the possibility of having one’s needs discretely met elsewhere.

In your case, DNOM, you have a couple of immediate problems. Your wife’s condition makes it difficult for her to participate in your sex-life at all and even harder to want to. That’s entirely understandable.

However, her condition doesn’t mean that she gets to abdicate her responsibilities to the relationship. Even setting the sexual component of your relationship aside, there is still the companionate and emotionally intimate side. And the truth is: she’s neglecting that too.

First of all: your wife desperately needs to get into therapy. I realize the T word gets tossed around here often, but she’s sinking deep into depression and it’s affecting not only her life but yours and your children’s. It’s only going to get worse for the both of you if she doesn’t seek psychological treatment to help with her emotional and body-image issues.  Hiding from it isn’t going to help.

Neither is avoiding talking about the giant erection in the living room.

Your therapist and psychiatrist are correct: you need to talk to your wife about this. You have emotional and physical needs that aren’t being met and it’s causing you pain too. She can’t just dismiss your emotions or your needs like they’re unimportant; if she loves you, then she needs to be willing to listen to you and work with you on this.

So you have some choices to make.

First of all: your sex drive isn’t going to go away and your wife doesn’t have the right to tell you that you’re just going to have to go without sex for the rest of your life. That’s not how relationships and partnerships work. She’s been unwilling to consider opening up your relationship or even discuss your need for intimacy. 

So you have your first choice to make – and one that’s going to get me into trouble for suggesting it. You can continue to try to make it work with porn and sex toys – I recommend either getting a Fleshlight or a Tenga Cup – or you can get your needs met elsewhere.

Frankly, it may be less risky to your relationship to go out and get your needs met discretely by a professional. Finding a sex-worker to help you get your rocks off periodically may be a better answer than trying to keep a relationship going on the down-low. A once-a-month appointment is less difficult to do discretely than an ongoing affair — and they’re far less likely to bring drama to your door, and by extension, your marriage.

This will help release your tension and it’s easier to fix your relationship when you’re not bubbling over with backed-up sexual frustration and resentment. It’s not the most romantic or socially “acceptable” solution, but it may be what you need to do if you want to actually stay married to your wife.

Which, incidentally, brings us to the next choice. This is the hard one: you have to decide whether you want to stay in this relationship.

I realize that there are huge issues that would come with getting a divorce: disrupting your children’s life, your wife’s need for physical care and the social stigma of being “the guy who divorced his crippled wife”, but frankly your wife has abdicated her ENTIRE role in your relationship and that ain’t cool. I have nothing but sympathy for her and her health issues. But at the same time, the fact remains that this is an untenable situation and it’s one that’s ultimately going to damage not just you but your children if it’s left unresolved.

I understand you have a hard time with confrontation. And it is important to reiterate that your wife has very real, very dire problems… but she would rather try to pretend that they don’t exist, and that’s a recipe for universal misery. You need to have a long, blunt and honest talk with her about all of this, especially getting her into therapy. She needs to get help and if she doesn’t, she’s going to be dragging you and the kids down with her.

And you have to decide whether you’re going to let this happen. I wish I had better advice for you, DNOM; sometimes there are no good choices, only ones that suck to different degrees. But sometimes you have to be willing to ask which is going to cause the most harm, not just to you, but to your family.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)