DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I keep getting to the same problem very quickly with every guy. As I fear it is kind of a circle I’m not sure where to begin.

I do not feel like I need much sex (but probably I’m mistaken, you’ll see later on). Penetration is “bearable” at the best times, but most times hurts like hell. I can enjoy lots of other sex related things a lot sometimes (but rarely and usually in special situations like first time with a guy or after a fight or other situations that add a “thrill” of some kind) but usually I hardly ever feel like I want it.

I usually am under the impression, that any guy I’m going out with wants more sex than me. So when we’re just lying in bed cuddling and kissing, I can feel myself stiffening, asking myself if he “again” wants to have sex (or something similar) and fearing that my body might not react like I want/should. First, probably my not enjoying sex is just because of these thoughts. Who could enjoy anything he/she fears he/she might hate before it begins? (But maybe there is a medical issue, I don’t know.) Second, it makes me incapable of enjoying cuddling and kissing with a guy I also have sex with, as I always fear it would go on and sometimes even do things like give him a blow-job just to get it done without really wanting to.

Plus, it usually ends up in causing emotional problems between me and the guy, me feeling bad because I’m keeping something from him he wants/needs and at the same time being angry at him for asking, him feeling bad because he feels like he’s asking something from me I can’t or don’t want to give and probably also being angry for me being so prude.

The most difficult situation was with one boyfriend who tried again and again, more often and more obnoxious the more I said no (as he felt it was sooo long ago we had sex and I really could accept this one time) but still feeling so horrible about it he’d had given up his sexual desire at all if he could to solve the dilemma. I for my part felt bad for him suffering but ended up hating to be touched by him.

So in general: What if one partner in a relationship doesn’t want sex or way less than the other partner?

Personally: Where can I find the point to break this circle? Whatever I try makes me overthink it more and start to fear my own rejection as soon as I’m getting touched, making me irritable at myself and the guy that “can’t leave me alone”.

Confused, Annoyed and Nervous

DEAR CONFUSED, ANNOYED AND NERVOUS: Something about your letter jumped out at me CAN and it makes me wonder about a few things. When you talk about the problems you’ve been having with penetration, you say maybe it’s a medical issue and that kind of concerns me. See, one of the many, many issues I have with the way that we tend to teach sex-ed these days is that 99% of the time, it’s a glorified anatomy lesson. Here’s how the female and male reproductive organs work, here’s how babies are formed, here’re what STIs are like, go forth and multiply. One of the things that almost never covered is the fact that sex is supposed to feel good. It’s easier for men because, well, society more or less caters to us and tells us that sex is the best thing ever and we’re more or less encouraged to get as familiar with our junk as possible; by the time we come to sexual relationships, we’ve gotten pretty used to the fact that orgasms feel freakin’ awesome. Women, on the other hand, are frequently taught that to be concerned about men’s sexuality at the expense of their own. Female sexuality – even in the 21st century – is still considered suspect in many ways, and comes secondary to men’s. Women are taught to be sexy but not sexual, not to advocate for their own pleasure, not to explore their sexuality or their own bodies.

All of which is a long-winded way of getting around to this: if a guy even imagines something’s wrong with his junk, he tends to run to the doctor so quickly he makes Barry Allen look like Yertle the Turtle. I’ve known more women than I care to think about who didn’t realize that something was wrong because, frankly, they didn’t know that sex wasn’t supposed to hurt! If penetration is consistently painful (and if  “bearable” is a best-case scenario, it sounds like it is) then that’s a pretty damn good sign that there may be a physical issue and you need to be talking to a medical professional about it (remember: Dr. NerdLove is not a real doctor) . There are a number of conditions that can cause women to have difficulty with penetrative sex – or even external pressure to the vulva and vaginal area – and a doctor will be able to diagnose and treat it.

I suspect, going by your email, that this constant expectation of pain and discomfort could be the root cause of your aversion to sex; after all, it’s hardly surprising that you might be feeling terribly lusty if your experiences with sexual activity range from “something you can grit your teeth and ride out” too “excruciating pain”. I don’t blame you for freezing up when your boyfriends start making noises about wanting to get busy – it may be all well and good for them, but for you it’s goddamn torture!

Now, that doesn’t necessarily mean that your libido is going to come roaring back should any lingering issue be identified and treated. It may well be that you just don’t have much of an interest in sex, completely unrelated to the pain you feel during penetration.  Sometimes a low libido can have external causes –  you can have a psychological aversion to sex, you may have a hormonal imbalance that kills your sex-drive, SSRIs and hormonal birth control, can throw your libido out of whack, as can stress and sleep disorders.  Other times, it’s just how you’re. Just as sexuality and gender comes on a spectrum, so to does sexual desire. Some people have raging libidos, others have no interest in sexual contact at all and others fall somewhere in between. You may want to check out AVEN – the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network; they have a number of resources relating to understanding asexuality and possibly help give you the information to figure out where you may fall in terms of your interest in sex or lack there-of.

One thing to keep in mind is that no two people are necessarily going to have 100% matching sex-drives, nor are they going to always be horny at the same time. Any relationship means finding a balance between two differing desires. But on occasion, you will find people in relationships whose libidos are imbalanced to the point of causing problems.

And that brings us to your questions.

The answer to your first question – what happens when two partners have mismatched libidos – is simple: either they find a way to balance things out or they break up. Sexual compatibility – including more-or-less-matching sex-drives – is a critical part of making a relationship work. When both partners are radically out of sync, you end up with two unbelievably frustrated and angry people. The partner with a higher sex drive feels deprived, neglected or even rejected, while the partner with the lower sex drive feels put-upon and constantly being asked to do something he or she doesn’t want to do. This is a recipe for a misery all around, and likely leading to an ugly break-up.

When there’s a mild mismatch, then it may be possible for the two to compromise – the partner with the higher libido accepts that they’re not going to have sex as often as they’d like, while the lower-libido’d partner gets the other partner off on occasion when they’re not necessarily feeling it. One important point: this doesn’t mean supplying blow-jobs on command because someone isn’t able or interested in penetrative sex. Similarly, it also doesn’t mean giving a half-hearted a oral session punctuated by wearying sighs of “Ok if I have to…” that only serves to make the receiver feel like sh*t. Neither does it mean having sex when the last thing you (general you, not you, CAN) want is to be touched.

We all do things for our partners, even when we’d rather not because it’s part of what makes relationships work. Sometimes it’s cleaning the bathroom, sometimes it’s going to a movie you don’t necessarily like. These are all forms of relationship maintenance, and sometimes sexual activity can be a form of relationship maintenance as well; you’re being generous and giving to your partner because it makes them happy. This doesn’t mean sexual servitude however, or being forced into doing something you don’t want or that leaves you crying in the shower afterwards; it’s about times when you (again, general you) may not be in the mood, but you’re willing to do to indulge your partner.

If there’s a drastic mismatch – she wants it every day and twice on Sundays, he tends to only want it once a month, for example – then it’s usually better just to end things. It’s simply too difficult to bridge that gap in a way that’s fair or pleasing to both partners; one person or the other is going to end up suffering for it. Occasionally, when other aspects of the relationship are especially strong or the couple doesn’t want to break up, they may agree to open up the relationship. This way, the partner with the higher sex drive is able to get his or her needs met but still maintain the emotional core of the relationship.

It’s worth noting that both parties have a right to expect that a romantic relationship will have a sexual component and to not be shamed for wanting to have sex with their partner. While platonic romantic relationships can and do exist, they’re the exception rather than the rule; if one partner is asexual or has an incredibly low sex-drive, it’s better to disclose this up front so that everyone is able to make an informed choice as to whether they want to enter into this relationship. I’ve lost track of how many people I’ve heard from who’ve had partners who’ve single-handedly decided that they were both done having sex once the relationship was more established.

(Hopefully it goes without saying that both partners also have the right to say “no” to sex at any time and to not be forced or coerced into sex they don’t want…)

Of course, none of this works if your partner’s an insensitive dickhead who doesn’t take “no” for an answer – as you’ve experienced, CAN- and just keeps pushing and pushing at you regardless of your feelings on the matter. As you said: it’s hard to want to so much as even cuddle with someone if you’re worried that they’ll take this as an invitation to start nagging at you to do something you don’t like or that hurts you.

And that brings us to your second question: how do you break this cycle you’re in? Well, as I suggested earlier, you should start by going to the doctor to try to find the cause of the pain you’re having during penetration.

In the meantime, take penetrative sex off the table and stick to other forms of sex you actually enjoy; perhaps not feeling pressured into doing something that causes you pain will help you feel like playing around more often. Part of what can help is to expand your definition of what “sex” means to more than just penis-in-vagina action. Oral sex, mutual masturbation, hand-jobs, sexy performances for your partner while they masturbate… all of these are ways of having sex besides simple penetration and should be part of a couple’s sexual repertoire.

You also should communicate clearly with your future boyfriends. Let them know about your limits and why you have them. Not only can this help avoid confusion and hurt feelings and allow for improved cuddling and make-out sessions, but it will also weed out the assholes. A guy worth dating will understand and respect your boundaries; someone who just keeps pressuring you should be dumped immediately.

Good luck, CAN.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My husband wants me to have sex with other people, I have problems with this because I don’t want to be shared and I don’t wan’t to share my husband with anyone. He keeps saying just try it once and if you don’t like it we won’t ever do it again. I don’t feel like if I just try it once he will want to stop. What do I do?

Not Into It

DEAR NOT INTO IT: Speaking of pressuring people into doing things they don’t want to do…

I’m a big believer in what NerdLove Celebrity Patronus Dan Savage calls “being GGG – good, giving and game”; that means good in bed, selflessly giving of pleasure and game for trying new things within reason. We all have little kinks, interests and desires that we’d like to fulfill with our partners. I’m of the belief that it’s good to indulge some of our partners’ kinks and fetishes on occasion even if we’re don’t necessarily share them, simply because it’s a way of making them happy.

That being said: there’s a difference between being willing to try, say, light bondage or licking your partners toes and being pressured into sleeping with other people for his or her pleasure.

Remember the “within reason” clause of GGG? There’re some things where “just try it once” is a reasonable request.

This ain’t one of them.

Partner-swapping and cuckold scenarios are varsity level sex and shouldn’t be entered into without serious consideration, an incredible amount of trust in your partner and your relationship and the full and enthusiastic consent on everybody’s part. Not only are you missing that enthusiastic consent part but when you say “I don’t feel like if I try it just once, he will want to stop,” that tells me that you’re missing the trust as well.

That is not a good foundation on which to explore high-end, potentially emotionally explosive kink. To be perfectly frank, I’m not entirely sure that this is the foundation for a decent relationship period.

Tell your husband “no”, NII. You can explain your reasons if you want, but frankly, the fact that you don’t want to is the only reason you need. If that’s not sufficient for your husband… well tough, you don’t want to, you don’t have to and you aren’t gonna.

If that’s not good enough for him, if your husband isn’t willing to take “no” for an answer and just leave it at that…

Well, I’m gonna be honest, NII:  you should probably be talking to a divorce lawyer at that point.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years. We connected immediately over Farscape and an epic scrabble game, and tied the knot 6 months from our first date, pregnant with our first child. He became stepdad to my older two kids, and we’ve since had two more babies together, though one was lost at birth to a cord accident. He’s my best friend, a good provider, a great father. (You should also know I’m 40, and he’s 33.) 

The problem is in the intimacy department. We started out so passionately, and then shortly after we wed all intimacy stopped. He admitted he’d always had libido issues, and was taking a lot of different pills for it, and now he was out of pills. I’d had no idea at all about any of it. After that sex happened every couple of months, and only if I asked for it. There was always a good reason why he may not be in the mood or something got in the way..work stress, kids, grief, depression, health. That’s life, I get that, but I struggled with it for a long time, and eventually suggested sarcastically that maybe his libido problems were a matter of orientation. 

I appreciate now that instead of reacting with anger he actually took it seriously, and researched….ever the scientist, always researching one thing or another.

Just before Valentine’s Day he came out to me as asexual. Hetero-leaning romantically, willing to fake it for me physically. But zero interest in actual sex, no real desire for me, or anyone, in that way. He fell in love with me because I am smart, literate, apparently have good genes, make him laugh, I can cook, and I’m a good mother. He’d rather build robots or plant a garden or watch Star Trek with me. He’s like some kind of Dwight Schrute/Sheldon Cooper hybrid. 

On Valentine’s Day itself he admitted even kissing doesn’t move him. Looking over the patterns of his life, asexuality answered a lot of questions, and clarified many things. Like the fact he’s never experienced blue balls–even when one of the babies woke up and sex got interrupted, he’d let his erection subside without worrying about it. He didn’t feel the need for release, ever.

His family is definitely unaware of this and he refuses to say anything. As far as he’s concerned it’s no one’s business at all. He doesn’t realize (or doesn’t care?) that without context it only looks like he’s not attracted to ME.

I’m MARRIED…not interested in ending this relationship, or stepping outside of it for sex. I do not believe polyamory is a workable option for us. I have a very very healthy hetero libido, am attracted to my husband and desire him physically. I love sex, and used to love the way we fit…it is hard knowing he loves me but doesn’t feel any desire for me that way. I feel guilty for wanting something from him he isn’t into giving. He says he’s willing to take his “vitamins” for me, but I can’t bring myself to ask. 

I want to respect his new understanding of himself, respect his bodily autonomy. Just because we’re married he doesn’t “owe” me sex. I’d expect the same in return. So how can I continue to respect his needs, and still adequately meet my own equally valid needs in this relationship? It’s about more than intercourse or orgasms…it’s the emotional connection, the oxytocin and all that. The flirting with him, and little wifely “bribes” and whatnot. He’s the one person in the world who is allowed to touch me that way, the only one I want that from. He thinks everything is the same as it ever was, just now he knows why it is. Everything is different for me. Now he doesn’t have to pretend. And now that I know he was pretending for so long I’m mourning the loss of a whole chunk of my marriage, what I thought we had, and what I thought I could look forward to. Even the anticipation of date night is gone.

I don’t know what to do. He won’t do couples counseling. He doesn’t want to divorce, neither do I. 

My ego has taken a huge hit, and my insecurities are affecting every aspect of our lives together. Illogically I’m jealous of his friendships with other women, even knowing he’s the perfect faithful hubby. Music and TV are no longer fun, since it’s all love and sex. I can’t bear to even touch myself intimately anymore, the body shame is too much and there is no relief to be found there. I was previously married, and ended that relationship because–among other problems–we had zero sex life…he was very sexual, but I was not the partner he sought. I have given my heart twice and been sexually rejected both times. I see a counsellor for my depression, I take meds for the anxiety. I am trying so hard to make this marriage work, to take what is good about us and make it enough.

Is it wrong to want to be seen as desirable by my husband? To want him to want to kiss me? I haven’t been properly kissed but once in the last several months. Our physical relationship has been reduced to chaste smooches and spooning in bed. I feel like I’m essentially single, but in love with my BFF/roommate. I can live without sex if I have to, but the lack of ANY physical connection is getting harder to bear. I feel so selfish.

I’ve done my best to communicate my feelings with him, tried different approaches. I’d like to find ways to compromise…I need to feel wanted and loved and like his wife. He seems perfectly content to wait it out, wait until I just forget about this or something. Talking about it, even rationally or humorously, only makes him feel “pressure”.

Faithful but Frustrated

DEAR FAITHFUL BUT FRUSTRATED:  hate getting questions like these, because these are the ones where there are no good answers, just ones with relatively different levels of suck.

You’re looking for a compromise, but there really isn’t one to be had. You want physical intimacy – not just sex, but wanting to be wanted. He does not. In fact, he doesn’t seem to care very much for physical intimacy at all. Chaste kisses and spooning in bed don’t exactly make up for the fact that you aren’t just looking for orgasms, you want passion. You want desire. You, like the rest of us, want people to know you’re not just a person, you’re also a piece of meat!

It would be one thing if he were willing to make an effort to make you happy – a “it’s not really my thing, but I like that you like it” can do attitude is at the core of the concept of being GGG – but when it’s laid out as “taking my vitamins” or “eating my spinach”, it loses even that last bit of connection that makes you feel like he at least cares enough to make an effort. Making a relationship work when there’s a mismatch in libidos means that when the partner with the lower libido helps out the one with the higher one, they do so enthusiastically instead of acting like they’re being forced into the worst thing in the world. When your partner is treating your needs as something inconvenient at best and horrific at worst… well that’s incredibly shredding to your self-esteem and ego, even more so than it is already.

Before we get to anything else, I want you to remember something: this isn’t about you, this is about him. You need to keep that at the forefront of your mind – the fact that he’s asexual has absolutely nothing to do with you being desirable, being attractive or being a good person. I’m sure you realize this intellectually, but emotionally, it’s still a gut-punch and it’s very easy to see this as not being good enough or sexy enough or not loving you enough. That’s why it’s so damn important to remember: it’s him, not you. Wanting your spouse to desire you, to want them to put their hands on you? Those are all unquestionably good things. Those are things you want in a relationship. You aren’t a bad person because you want to be lusted after by the person you love. It’s not about you. You have not done anything wrong. It’s about him.

But as you keep reminding yourself of this, it’s time to start addressing the elephant in the room: your relationship as you knew it is over. It’s time to decide what you’re going to do with the relationship you now have. And let’s be honest here: it’s not working.

Now I don’t want to dump on your husband for being asexual. That’s how he’s wired, and clearly this is something that he’s struggled with for most of his life. I am, however, going to call him out for being a dick about this. He’ll “take his vitamins”, but he won’t go to couples counseling and shuts down conversations about finding compromises because “he feels pressured”. Those, quite frankly, are the words of someone being a selfish dick, not a caring partner in a relationship. He’s ok with the status quo because his needs are being met; he’s got companionship, the kids, his hobbies. You on the other hand are suffering and he seems to be somewhat ambivalent (AT BEST) to this. That’s sh

ty behavior on his part.

The other problem is that you’ve basically painted yourself into a corner. You want a compromise, but you’ve ruled out the potential compromises to be had. He can’t provide you with the desire you want and that lack means he isn’t providing you with the reassurance you need. You could accept that this is a companionate marriage – that the core of love and affection for one another, the life you have together and the children you’re raising together are reason enough to stay together – except for the lack of physical intimacy that you need. You could find it elsewhere, but you’ve ruled out opening the relationship and finding someone who tend to your physical needs while your husband tends to your emotional ones. And you don’t want to get a divorce.

I hate to say this, but something’s going to have to give. This is an untenable situation and unless things change, it’s going to end and end badly. Unfortunately, it’s like I said: there are no good answers here; it’s just a question of which is going to suck the least.

The first thing you need to do is to find a relationship counselor. Maybe your therapist can recommend someone, otherwise you’ll want to check out the American Association of Sexual Educators, Counselors and Therapists and find someone in your area. You want to find a sex-positive counselor; unfortunately, in our culture, we tend to assume that in cases with a libido mismatch, the partner with the higher libido is in the wrong and needs to get over it. A sex-positive therapist will be more likely to understand that you’re not a bad person just because you need physical intimacy and can help you work on ways of getting that intimacy. If your husband refuses to go, then go by yourself. You need someone who’s been trained in these matters to help you work out your options and game out what will be best for you.

I wish I had a better answer for you, FbF. There isn’t really a way for things for this relationship to work as things currently stand – not without destroying your soul and shredding your self-esteem. I get that you want things to go back to the way that you thought they were, but that’s not going to happen. If you want this relationship to survive, you’re going to have to deal with it on the terms that now exist and that means having to give on one of the possible options. And to be perfectly frank: if your husband isn’t willing to work with you on this relationship? Then your marriage is over, regardless of whether you want a divorce or not.

You’re strong, FbF. You’ll find a path that works for you. It may not be the one you hoped for, but it’ll be the one you need.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a question though about what you call ‘Oneitis’.

A little backstory – I’m 24 years old, I’ve had one steady girlfriend in my life (we dated for 7 months and ended on really good terms 2-3 months ago, still friends) and have had 3 or 4 severe cases of Oneitis before I dated my ex.

So I understand the importance of the abundance mentality and how you have to NOT invest yourself in another person’s opinion of you but I’m still having problems in the application of this concept. I find that whenever I meet someone new, my brain instantly starts making these leaps about how awesome she is and whether she’s interested or not, oh god why won’t she reply, why did she reply and other stupid sh*t like that. And of course, this probably ends up making me come off as a bit needy. 

So my question is how do you get yourself to NOT be so damn obsessed with one person? I know there are SO MANY incredible and gorgeous women out there but I STILL keep getting stuck in a rut over one girl and only that girl every now and then. 

Is this some kind of self esteem issue also? Because I’ve never been confident about my looks, which is why I can never honestly believe that anyone could be attracted to me (I was convinced my ex was just lying to be nice when she said she thought I was hot; seriously! A LOT of self esteem issues!)

– Mister Lonely

DEAR MR. LONELY: Before I get to your question, let me define some terms real quick for folks just joining us. Oneitis is the feeling that there is only one particular person who you in the world - someone who’s so special and amazing that nobody else could possibly measure up. And if you miss your chance with that person… well, that’s it, you’ll never find love like that again.

Needless to say: this is false. There’s no One; there’re people who range from .55 to .80 that we round up to One. The problem with Oneitis is that when we suffer from it, we tend to focus like a laser on getting that one person, despite the knowledge that it’s just never going to happen.

It’s like all the worst parts of puppy love when you’re a teenager with out the good bits. But the truth is, no matter how incredible that person is, there are other people out there who are just as amazing. To quote Tim Minchin:

“Your love is one in a million

You couldn't buy it at any price

But of the nine-point-nine-nine-nine-hundred-thousand other possible loves

Statistically, some of them would be equally nice”

The primary cure for Oneitis is time, experience and maturity. Part of this is simply dating around; the more women you’ve known and have gone out with – not necessarily have been in relationships with, just to have dated or slept with – the more you will come to realize that there are millions of amazing women out there and if it doesn’t work out with one… well, there will be others.

In your case yes, it does sound like the cause of your Oneitis is your low self-esteem. You get hung up on that one girl because you think she’s your last chance to find love and no other woman could possibly like you or find you attractive so you need to LOCK THIS ONE DOWN NOW NOW NOW NOW! You need to work on your self-esteem and start learning how to build your sense of internal validation. The better you feel about yourself, the more confidence you have, the easier it will be to cultivate an abundance mentality. As you do, you’ll find that you won’t be freaking out about little things like “why hasn’t she replied yet” because ultimately, you’ll realize it’s not something to freak out about. You’ll feel more assured of your own attractiveness and your own worth; if she’s into you, she’ll respond. If she isn’t… well, it blows, but you’re now free to not worry about her and instead go and find someone who wants what you have to offer.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a geeky girl who needs some help figuring out how to bring up an awkward topic with her boyfriend. I noticed your site is very sex positive, so I thought you might be able to give some advice from a non-judgmental standpoint.

I’ve been in a relationship for about a year with a really great guy. He is not only affectionate, but appreciates my affection towards him; we share a lot of interests and communicate very effectively under nearly all circumstances (I’ll get to the exception soon). The icing on the not-at-all-a-lie cake is our sexual compatibility. He is very dominant and I am reciprocally submissive. Our personal boundaries are complimentary and the master/servant dynamic ends as soon as the act is done and we fall into an oxytocin-induced snuggle coma. He has never tried to use this power structure to make me do something I am uncomfortable with and we employ enthusiastic consent into our role-play to make sure things do not get out of hand. I feel incredibly safe with this man and fulfilled in a way I didn’t know was possible.

However, twice in the past couple weeks, my boyfriend’s sexytimes alter ego has said something that has upset me. He always asks if I am prepared to be dominated by him, but a couple times after my affirmation, he replied “good, because it’s happening either way.” I was raped three years ago and still struggle with the aftermath and my boyfriend is aware of this, so his use of such a triggering phrase is particularly hurtful.

I meant to bring it up, because I am sure he is saying it as a character and unaware of its impact on me. On the day I psyched myself up for the conversation, he told me how grateful he is that I am accepting of his desires because he was ashamed and afraid of them in the past. He seemed like he had struggled a lot with his sexuality, so I chickened out.

I am certain he does not intend his words to hurt me and they don’t routinely show up in our dialogue. I do not want to cause him further anguish about his certain proclivities because he would be very distressed that he said something upsetting to me. But I do want to ensure that he doesn’t use that phrase again. I feel I am caught between our fragile and still-struggling psychologies. I know I should tell him how I feel, but I don’t want to hurt him. How should I approach this conversation?

Between a Rock and an Innuendo

DEAR BETWEEN A ROCK AND AN INNUENDO: First of all Rock: I’m so sorry for what you’ve gone through. It’s a testament to your strength as to how much you’ve healed  – even thrived – after everything. It also sounds like you’ve chosen a great guy and have an amazing relationship. But as great as he is, he is tripping over an emotional land-mine you have – however unintentionally – and that’s something that needs to be addressed.

And the only way for that to happen is for you to tell him. Kink and power exchange requires trust and  safety – physical and emotional – and that’s not going to happen if he keeps triggering you during your sessions. The other thing to keep in mind is that you’re not playing “dueling emotional scars”; the efforts it’s taken your boyfriend to come to terms with the fact that he’s a dominant and gets off on power exchange doesn’t negate or supersede the fact that his comments hurt you and bring you back to a place where you were assaulted.

Honestly: he’s not going to know he’s doing this unless you tell him, and I’m pretty sure his feelings can take the hit.

Now you don’t need to roll it out like he’ s a horrible person or shaming him for being into power exchange and master/servant role-play and this doesn’t mean that you can’t continue having the kinky sex you enjoy. You should tell him that some of the things he’s said hurt you and explain why and how. Even when you’re both doing a scene and he’s in his role, he’s still him and once you’ve let him know that he’s been hurting you and how, he’ll understand where the line is and know not to cross it again. This isn’t about blaming him, it’s simply informing him of a limit he was careless over and now you’re renegotiating the rules under which the two of you play. That level of implied non-consent, even in the context of a D/S scene, is a hard “no”. And if he does trip over that particular line again, don’t be afraid to use your safe word and put an end to the scene. That’s the whole point of safe words, after all.

If he’s as good a guy as you say he is – and nothing you’ve said implies that he isn’t – he’s probably going to be a little horrified that he’s been hurting you accidentally. Don’t let it go beyond “Oh God, I had no idea, I’m so sorry!” to “Oh God, I’m scum”; that’s the point where it’s no longer about you but instead becomes about his fee-fees… which is not only not the point but can be a passive-aggressive way of making you feel bad and having to comfort him.

But like I said: he sounds like a good guy. Let him know and soon enough you’ll be seeing this as just a rough patch in the early days of an amazing relationship.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have what might be an unusual question, and it has to do with the general theme of working on the image your project.

Without giving too much detail for personal reasons, I was at work, and a female coworker was giving me a hand. I announced myself before entering a room, and had to pause because my coworker immediately gasped, and when I looked at her, she just said “That voice!”, before laughing at my expression. It took me a second, but I realized she had probably never heard me when I speak to a customer in my Work Voice.

Naturally, I have a very low voice, that can sometimes be a little raspy, so when I’m in a professional setting dealing with customers, I make sure to project and speak very clearly. I’m aware there is a distinct difference in my tone, and the general sound overall when I do this, but had never put much thought into it beyond “it’s easier for the people with hearing issues I work with every day to understand me.”

Leaving the room, I decided to go have some fun, and in a quieter version of my Work Voice said something along the lines of “Liked that, did you?” And winked. Of all things, she nodded, and giggled. And not in a “laughing at you” kind of way. It was a rather nice reaction, beyond the general amusement. Walking back, she commented that she’d never heard me speak that way, and it really surprised her.

This really got me thinking: All this effort we put into what we say, and how we stand, and how we dress, and not panicking on just talking to a girl… How many of us have honestly ever put serious thought into what our specific individual voice sounds like while doing any of it?

And it seems to me a serious lapse in judgement, especially after that exchange.

So, Doc… Any tips for how to train a Sexy Voice?

– “In A World…”

DEAR IN A WORLD: Voices are hugely sexy. Vin Diesel wouldn’t have quite as much sex appeal if his voice wasn’t a bass so low that it registers on the Richter scale. Neither would Benedict Cumberbatch. Or Alan Rickman for that matter. Nor would Tom Hiddleston be quite as attractive if it wasn’t for his very posh, cut glass accent and diction as Loki.

Thing is: most of us don’t speak in our “real” register. We tend to speak with our “head” voice rather than with our “real” voice, speaking more through our noses than through our throats  – and usually higher than our natural pitch. So the first step to having a sexier voice is to find your true register. It’s actually surprisingly easy: you just hum. As you’re humming, you want to vary the pitch a little up and down as you try to find a level that feels right and natural to you. Too high and you’ll feel it more through your sinuses; too low and you’ll feel it more in your chest. You’ll know it when you feel it. After you find the right pitch, you’ll want to practice talking. At first you’ll sound a little monotone as you attempt to get used to the way that it sounds to you, but with practice you’ll start to be able to speak in a normal tone with all the usual inflections and emoting. Spend some time recording and playing the sound back so you’ll understand how it sounds to others.

But the appeal of a person’s voice isn’t just the pitch and timber, it’s the way they talk. This is why you need to focus on how you’re saying things. You said it yourself, IAW: you project and speak very clearly. Let’s get on YouTube and take a look at those Jaguar ads that featured Mark Strong, Tom Hiddleston and Ben Kingsley – all men with sexy voices. They enunciate their words – meaning you can hear them clearly and understand them. Muttering and mumbling isn’t cool or sexy; making the other person say “What? What?” over and over again is going to negate any impact your voice or words might have. Similarly, they speak with a deliberate, measured rhythm. All too often, we speak way too fast; speaking slowly indicates confidence while speaking quickly comes of as nervous, and as we all know, confidence is supremely sexy.

You also should practice breathing from your diaphragm, not from your upper chest. Learning how to breathe deeply and properly means that not only will you be able to project without straining your throat or vocal chords, but it also ensures you’ll have the breath control and air flow that will help your voice resonate and flow smoothly.

When in doubt: watch some Shakespearean movies, especially anything with Ian McKellan, Kenneth Brannagh, Derek Jacobi or other Royal Shakespearean Company veterans; you’ll notice how much effort they put into using their voices to convey character. Practice some of their lines out loud – record them into your smartphone and play them back. The more you become aware of your voice, the more control you’ll have over it… and the sexier you’ll be able to make it.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)