DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I was hoping that you could possibly help me with a very difficult situation I’m in.

The girl I’ve been interested in for the past month, who is also quite a good friend of mine, has a boyfriend who is by no means a decent human being. The other day I discovered that he’s cheated on her a few times and I’ve decided that as a friend it’s my responsibility to tell her. I’m not sure if that’s the right decision, though, and I’m not sure HOW to tell her at all. If you could please weigh in on this, I’d seriously appreciate it! Thank you so much.

Waiting In The Wings

DEAR WAITING IN THE WINGS: Well, you asked, but I don’t think you’re going to like my answer.

Here’s what you do, WitW: you back the hell off.

First of all, let’s be honest here, just you, me and everyone reading this: you’re not doing this out of the goodness of your heart. You didn’t decide that it’s your responsibility to tell her because you are that good of a friend, you’re hoping that when you tell her she’s going to dump her cheating scumbag of a boyfriend and fly into your arms as the one who helped her see the truth. Which, to be perfectly frank, is a pretty awful reason to deliberately insert yourself into the middle of somebody else’s relationship drama.

But for the sake of argument, let’s game this out a little. Let’s assume that either I give you my blessing to telling your crush about her supposedly philandering beau or you decided to go and tell her regardless. How, exactly, do you think she’s going to react? Here’s a hint: she’s going to take it badly. Under the best of circumstances, she’s going to be pissed off like nobody’s business. The only question is who she’s going to be pissed at.

The smart money says it’s going to be you.

You may have noticed that people don’t appreciate bad news. In fact, we tend to get irrationally angry at the person who brings us the bad news, whether it’s their fault or not; there’s a reason why “don’t shoot the messenger” is a common phrase, after all. So you’re already starting off with your would-be hunny-bunny ticked off that you’re telling her that something’s rotten in Denmark.

But then there’s the next step: why should she believe you? Do you have proof? Do you have unquestionable proof that you can actually show her? Proof that couldn’t possibly be explained away? Because if you don’t, then it’s going to be your word against her boyfriend’s. And sure, her boyfriend may be a rotten bastard, but he’s still her boyfriend. This gives him more credibility in her eyes than you have… especially if either of them know that you’ve got a crush on her. And believe me, if she doesn’t, HE almost certainly does. This is going to be leveraged against you – you’re going to look like you’re lying up in order to break them up.

(And let’s be honest: that IS what you’re hoping for here.)

Now let’s add another wrinkle into the mix: what makes you so sure she doesn’t know already? Right now you’re working from limited information – you know he’s cheated on her. You don’t say you know when it happened, whether she found out before, whether he confessed or she confronted him and whether they’ve worked through it or not. For that matter, for all you may know, they may have an arrangement of one sort or another. So you’re going forward and telling her with the distinct possibility of re-opening old wounds, dredging up past problems or stumbling onto the fact that they were only socially monogamous. None of which is going to work out for you the way you’re hoping.

Let’s throw a third wrinkle: how’d you find out? Did you catch him in the act? Did you prowl through his phone or emails? Or did you hear it from the grapevine? Because she’s going to want to know… and she’s going to want to know why, exactly you were prying into her business. All of this is going to make a difference, because it’s going to be demonstrating your agenda rather strongly. And if you two aren’t honest-to-god BFFs – which, from the sounds of things, you’re not – it’s going to look like you went digging for dirt. Even if we grant that your motivations were as pure as the driven snow, that is going to bring you right back to that credibility problem.

But hey: let’s say that you manage to thread all those needles and she dumps her no good, scummy boyfriend. Assuming she doesn’t lash out at you for causing her break-up, she’s still not going to swoon into your arms. She’s going to be pissed off at men in general and in no mood for your trying to be the next in line… in fact, she’s probably going to resent it. Women don’t appreciate it when guys suddenly assume the window of opportunity is open because they’ve literally just broken up with somebody. She’s going to need some time to recover and your hanging around in order to help her through this ordeal is going to start verging rather seriously into Nice Guy territory.

In short: you’ve got yourself your basic no-win scenario. And you’re not going to Kobayashi Maru your way through this.

This isn’t your business. Your getting involved is only going to add another layer of drama to somebody else’s relationship. And even under the best of circumstances, it’s going to end badly for you.

Leave it alone.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a lady who recently took the initiative and asked out a guy I had some chemistry with. We’re in the same fandom world, and finding nice and normal people among us is very rare. Being totally generic for the purposes of protecting identities, we became friends by mutually respecting what we’ve contributed to our fandom.

I started to reach out to him on email a few months ago. We had a few conversations, in which he threw in some comments seemed like bad attempts at flirting. Not everyone has game, right? But after initiating a few conversations, I decided to let him reach out to me, and he didn’t. OK. Fair enough. Moving on….

Then I reconnected him at a recent event, and he started reaching out to me with gusto – emails, pictures (clothed!), etc. He even admitted to basically stalking me on social media, though he doesn’t really have a social media presence himself.

So after a few weeks of email flirting, I decided to be a grown-ass woman and ask him out. I was bold and direct (and funny). What I got back was a long, rambling email where he admits to being in relationship with someone else, but he doesn’t want to lose what “we have.” I’ve never seen evidence of him having a significant other, and I’d be really pissed off if a boyfriend of mine was having this kind of relationship with another woman.

There have been a few short email exchanges since my rejection. He’s done all the reaching out – I suspect either to take my temperature to see if I’d still talk to him or checking in to make sure I haven’t sunk into a vast depression (trust me, I haven’t).

What is up with men and their hidden relationships? Maybe his rambling was a nice way to hide that he just wasn’t into me like that? Since I’ll run into this guy at upcoming fandom events, what do I do? Honestly, I feel totally embarrassed and humiliated. I kind of want to tell him to go to hell, but I don’t want to be the bitter bitch who hates him because he turned me down. I also want to avoid him, but that gets exhausting, too. Trust me, if I had any idea he had a long-term GF or would turn me down, there’s no way in hell I would have asked him out in the first place. What was he doing starting this kind of relationship with me in the first place? Do I bother to continue a friendship which he seems to want even though I know it will never be enough for me?

Thanks,

Thoroughly Confused

DEAR THOROUGHLY CONFUSED: There are a lot of possibilities here TC. It’s possible he was stringing you along because he liked the flirty attention you were giving him. He might have had a crush on you and was enjoying the thrill of new relationship energy and the frisson of a mutual attraction from somebody besides his girlfriend.

Or it’s entirely possible that after you reconnected, he decided you were cool and wanted to be friends.  

I can’t say for sure one way or another – after all, I wasn’t there, and without interviewing you both and reading the transcripts, it’s kind of hard to say whether he was flirting – you say his game seemed kind of weak – and if so, how much of it was just flirting because flirting is fun and how much of it was flirting with intent.

All that being said: I don’t think he was leading you on, and I don’t think he was deliberately hiding the fact that he had a girlfriend. Considering that you’re running in similar circles – fandom tends to be a small world, after all – it’s entirely possible that he assumed you knew he was seeing someone. Why didn’t he bring her up when you were talking? Well, again: I haven’t seen the transcripts, but it’s possible that the topic just didn’t come up. I’ve had many, many conversations with my friends – men and women both – where we don’t talk about our significant others simply because there’s no call to. It’s possible – even advisable – to have a life outside your relationship after all.

I also am willing to bet that he had no idea you were into him. When you straight-up asked him out, he suddenly realized that you two weren’t on the same page and suddenly things got awkward. Or maybe he had a clue that you liked him but was willing to ignore it in hopes that you’d end up romantically interested in someone else and you wouldn’t have this nascent infatuation between the two of you.

Either way: it done got weird. So now what?

Before I get into what to do about this, I want to address your question about what was he doing starting a relationship with you at all. Something to keep in mind is that guys tend to have more emotionally intimate friendships with women than they do with other men. Call it part of the toxic masculinity package; men have a much harder time fostering emotionally open connections with other men. It’s equal parts an unwillingness to be vulnerable to other men and equating emotional intimacy with sexual attraction. No matter how much people may talk about bromances, being open and emotionally intimate with another dude is still seen as being unmanly. Even the term “bromance” carries the “ha ha, it’s kind of like you’re dating” pointed nudging and and not-quite joking. So, men often seek out intimacy from our female friends, who tend to be less judgmental and more accepting of emotional openness. If you look at it from one angle, yeah, it can kind of look like a romantic connection… but it’s more about fulfilling an emotional need than trying to start an amorous relationship or conduct an affair.

But all that aside, the immediate question is: what do you do now that this is all out there, flopping around on the table like an Awkward Turtle? Right now, you’re feeling humiliated and probably a little angry. And I don’t blame you: you put yourself out there, you got rejected and that sucks. Getting rejected literally hurts. So take some time to let the sting fade and the anger cool off. Once you’ve gotten past the immediate pain, you’re going to see that it’s not as bad as it seems. Liking a dude who doesn’t like you back the same way isn’t embarrassing. Getting turned down, while sucky, isn’t something to be ashamed of. All that happened is that you found out that the two of you weren’t compatible. In the end, there’s really no harm, no foul. It’s hard to see it now, but with time and perspective, this will end up being one of the things you look back on with amusement as one of the wackadoo parts of the dating game.

So where do you go from here? He clearly hopes to continue your friendship. As I’m always telling guys, one of the issues with being in the Friend Zone is that you’re choosing to stay there. You say that being friends isn’t going to be enough for you – fair enough, that’s a valid choice. Just don’t treat his wanting to be friends as though he’s offering you the booby-prize, or that being friends is a poor substitute for romance.

If you don’t want to be friends with him and you don’t want to spend the rest of your time avoiding him whenever you might be at the same event, then I suggest you be straight with him. Tell him that he’s a cool guy and you like him, but you were hoping for something more. Let him know that trying to be friends with him would to be painful for you and it’s not fair to either of you to try and continue things when you’re longing for something he isn’t able to offer you. And then you just let things drift apart. If you happen to run into each other at events, then be polite, say hi and just keep going. If things get awkward, then just acknowledge the awkwardness. It doesn’t have to be a teeth-grindingly uncomfortable situation unless you let it be.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My first girlfriend was white. Brown hair, super kind person, amazing person, we dated for 2 years and had to end it because I couldn’t handle her low self esteem anymore, it was becoming too much of a mental burden to always be the one to give her strength.

After that, I dated a few more people of different races, until recently I’ve begun to date a very lovely Desi woman. She is an amazing person too, kindness outta this world, and I’m incredibly attracted to her.

The problem I experience is (and keep experiencing), I keep having these ideas that I should be with a white girl, someone with skin more like mine, in addition to a body type more like mine and more in line with societal norms (trust me I love it when women have curves, and the woman I’m with now is quite curvy).

Sometimes, I just can’t stop the thoughts from entering my head that I should be pursuing this beauty standard of “a girl that everyone will desire and covet”. I’m not sure where it comes from, but I suspect it could be from watching too much porn for years combined with growing up with these societal norms of what women are perceived as beautiful.

Dr. NerdLove, how do I get wrong ideas about women out of my head?

Social Messaging Sucks

DEAR SOCIAL MESSAGING SUCKS: Here’s what’s going on, SMS. You’ve spent a lifetime soaking in an ocean of messaging and advertising telling you that this specific type of woman – white, blonde, skinny and curvy – is the ideal and that a “real” man has a girlfriend that all his buddies want to bang. Your girlfriend is the external personification of your worth, so if you’re not banging someone who’s a traditional 10, you just ain’t squat.

And this messaging hits people across all spectrums. Women of various sizes are taught that they’re too heavy, too curvy, too tall, too muscular, too flat, too big. Their skin isn’t light enough, their hair is the wrong texture, their noses the wrong shape and their faces have the wrong structure. Their personalities are wrong – too brash, too brassy, too loud, too angry, too assertive, too confident. And even if they come closer to the ideal, women of color still not going to be as socially valuable as a white woman. And of course, they need to give any man a chance because women shouldn’t be shallow in who they choose to date, while dudes are encouraged to be shallow. There may be a bunch of articles celebrating how women love the DadBod but far fewer about men who like zaftig women. Your first girlfriend may not be perfect brah, but you better trade up as you improve your own social value.

Now when people are left to their own devices, we on the whole like a wide spectrum of body types, skin colors and types of hair and faces. There’re guys out there – fit, jacked dudes – who love them some big, beautiful women. There’re women who love dudes with hairy musclemen and thiccboys. There’re people who like folks of other races, non-binaries, trans men and women and people whose gender presentation is all over the map. But the number of people who can admit to liking people outside of the model that’s been marketed to us are damned few – and that’s when we filter out the people who fetishize specific races.

You see this in awful “jokes” like “how’s a fat girl like a moped”. You see this in people who’re willing to sleep with trans women but not openly date them, in people who’ll hit on people of different races like they’re paying them a compliment and get pissy if they have the temerity to say “go away”.

Their junk may want what it wants, but their brain isn’t going to let them live their truth; not when they’re valuing what society taught them to desire over who they actually connect with.

That’s why you’re having these thoughts, SMS. Cultural programming is a rat bastard. It digs in deep and it’s really hard to root out, even among the best intentioned. It can creep into your thoughts and make you question things. Like a concern-troll on Twitter it can sound perfectly reasonable on the surface: “are you suuuuuure you should be dating her? What will your friends say? Isn’t it unfair of you to inflict their judgement on her? What about those cultural differences? Are you sure you’re into her and not just fetishizing her?”

And in fairness: it’s good to interrogate your desires and ask yourself why you’re drawn to the people you like. Do you like your “type” because it’s what you’ve always been attracted to? Or is there something else about it? Are you into, say, large girls, because you like them big or because you think they’re going to be “grateful” and let you get away with more? Are you into people of other races or who’re gender non-conforming because you find them attractive, or because you like flaunting social mores and shocking people?

But a lot of the time… you’re going to find you just like them. And even in this theoretically more enlightened, cosmopolitan era, loving someone who isn’t the “right” type is an act of rebellion. So here’s what you do about those thoughts that bubble up: defang them. Label them and note them – “Hey, there’s that weird bit of social programming again, that’s annoying” – and them let them pass. If you’re happy with your sweet, curvy girlfriend, then screw what people think and what society tells you to want. Happiness is is too precious to give up over bulls

t ideas about what you’re “supposed” to want. Love whom you love and everything else can go hang.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been reading your articles on and off for about a year or so now, I guess, with increasing consistency for the past half a year or so in particular and have had a fairly regular presence in the comments. I’ve picked up a lot of useful, interesting and at times irrationally infuriating information from your work over that time. However, I had something of a sticking point the other night that I thought you might help me suss out.

A quick note on background: I am not a bar-goer. Generally speaking, I don’t like the noise, the press of bodies when it gets crowded and I’m not a drinker (alcohol tends to either make me sick or sleepy with very little in between). That said, I befriended the members of a band that has a steady gig at a local bar and grill; I enjoy their music enough to get over my intrinsic distaste for the bar scene. As a result, I’ve sort of developed a callous over my intrinsic distaste for going to bars, at least in so far as this particular one is concerned.

So, the last time I was out catching my friends play, I was paying a little more attention to the crowd than usual (usually I’m so wrapped up in the music, I don’t give the people aside from my friends a second thought) and I found myself noting a number of attractive women in the crowd.

I thought about all the stuff I’d learned from your site, podcast, videos…and eventually did absolutely nothing. A couple of quick glances across the bar and I just let it end at that.

Now, I don’t have to do a lot of introspection to determine why I didn’t make any moves. While I’ve been making progress in mapping out my personal peculiarities, between spending time critically reviewing my past actions based on the concepts laid out in your articles and getting professional guidance from a therapist…there’s still a massive stumbling block to my approach to women I don’t know.

That stumbling block is “A reason to approach them”. Ultimately, in my mind, “Hey, you’re attractive and I’d like to get to you know you better” doesn’t constitute sufficient reason to insert myself into someone else’s social evening. Even given your guidelines of “bars are a safe place to approach people”, my aversion to insinuating myself into somebody else’s good time tells me that I have no logical impetus to do so. I find it easy enough to slip into other people’s conversation with a quick comment or observation, but usually only when there’s really nothing at stake. And of course, that would mean being in proximity to hear what they were talking about in the first place and when I’m out at the bar, I usually spend my time on my own because I’m trying to get the most out of the performance rather than engaging the other people there (since most of them are NOT there for the music like I am). I suppose I give off a “buzz off, I’m listening to the music” vibe that only the most inebriated of patrons are immune to.

Maybe there’s still too big an issue of rejection avoidance; maybe it’s a result of poor self image; maybe I’m just intrinsically ill suited to cold approaches of this nature (that would be a cold approach, right?). It’s a pretty good bet I’m going to be in this position again in the future, as this is a regular monthly gig I make a point to attend, so I wonder if you have any suggestions on how to proceed. This is one of the few social engagements I regularly attend (I work at night, so my options tend to be a bit limited), so it feels kinda like a waste when I don’t make the most of it.

But, in the end, I’m not sure how to do that.

No Approach Vector

DEAR NO APPROACH VECTOR: You’ve answered your own question here, man. You’re getting in your own way.

Here’s the thing about conversations: it’s not that hard to join them, especially in social situations. It’s one thing if, say, you slide a chair up to somebody’s table at a restaurant; that goes against the social contract of the situation and people would rightly be weirded out by it. On the other hand when you’re in spaces that are explicitly social – like parties, like bars and performances – it’s generally accepted that people are going to mingle and introduce themselves to one another. The dynamics of approaching someone and talking with them at a bar aren’t that different from the ones at a networking event or a cocktail party.

You know this. You’ve already said that you’re experienced in joining conversations when there’s nothing at stake.

Here’s the thing: there’s nothing at stake here either. All you’re doing is starting a conversation. That’s it. This isn’t prelude to getting married. This isn’t even the first step to getting a date. All you’re doing is talking to someone to find out if you are even interested in them. Yeah they’re cute… but anyone can tell you that being cute doesn’t make for actual chemistry so what do they have going for them besides their looks?

And here’s the thing: “You seem interesting and I wanted to get to know you” is a perfectly legitimate reason to talk to someone. Hell, one of my go-to lines for starting a conversation is simply a declaration of intent and explanation as to why I’m approaching them: “Hey my friends are being kind of boring/ I’m bored and I’m looking for good conversation and you seem like you’re really interesting. My name is…”

Meeting people, making friends and getting dates has nothing to do with logic or having a sufficient “reason” to talk to someone. To quote the sage: “Love isn’t brains, children, it’s blood. Blood screaming inside you to work its will.” The idea that you need a “logical” reason to approach someone is just an excuse to not approach. It’s just you not accepting that your interest in other people is legitimate. You’re dressing up the middle-school fear of “I can’t let someone know I like them” in rationality drag. And if that’s the issue, then that is something you should be going over with your therapist.

But, fun fact: you can’t know if someone would like you or find you interesting without taking your shot. You’re inventing excuses to pre-reject yourself and never giving someone else the chance to make up their mind.

Yeah, I get it. You’re afraid of being rejected and the shame having the temerity to approach someone following you everywhere you go. Trust me: unless you stick around and ignore their interest, then you aren’t going to screw up their good time. People are far too wrapped up in their own crap to worry about – or even remember – someone who said “hi” and then peaced-out when they ignored him.

The only thing you can do is learn to shut up that over-thinking part of your brain and take your chances. There is no success without risk, no matter how slight.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am 26 years old and have been hard on myself for being (mostly) single for the past few years. Many aspects of my life are great. I have a great job in Los Angeles programming video games, above-average physical fitness, a good group of friends, and interesting hobbies. I perform well on online dating websites, and with effort, get about one online date a month. 

That said, I feel that my diet restrictions are holding me back from performing better in both online and real life dating pools. I have celiac disease, which requires a strict gluten-free diet, and I also have a number of other mild food allergies. Restaurant outings are stressful, so I have organized my life around mostly avoiding them. I spend my weeknights cooking a particular rotation of food, and then pack the leftovers for day trips throughout the weekend.

This lifestyle is manageable, but it has some hard limitations. I spend 7-10 hours per week cooking, giving me less time for social outings or dates. It also kills my ability to do anything impulsive. If I click with an online dating match on Monday, I can only offer to go out with them on Friday at earliest. My friends tell me that most women lose interest within a couple of days, so I am potentially missing out on an unknown number of dates. I fear that my scheduling restrictions, combined with the limited number of restaurants I am willing to eat at, gets interpreted by women as a lack of enthusiasm for dating them. 

In the real world, my lifestyle limits my random social encounters. My friends are great, but they never eat at gluten free restaurants, so they never invite me to grab dinner with them. By far, the worst events are the paid social dinners catered for 20-somethings. I get the double insult of paying for food that I can’t eat, and conspicuously bringing my own food with me. The last thing I want to talk about with people I have just met are my diet restrictions. I skip these entirely.

Most of my social life involves hosting or attending house parties. In my experience, these have been great for strengthening existing friendships, but a slow way to meet new people.

What can I do to take my dating life to the next level?

Diet Destroys Dates 

DEAR DIET DESTROYS DATES: I have a few thoughts, DDD, but before that, let me reach back into my personal dating history for a second.

Back in the day, I dated a woman who had a veritable list of allergies that she suffered from. This is not an exaggeration; she literally had a list of what she was allergic to, and it was important because those allergies ranged from “really annoying” to “very, very dead”. Dating her meant that I was going to have to put a great deal of thought into dates and activities in ways that I hadn’t had to before; even something as simple as my eating food that might contain allergens that affected her could turn a good night kiss into a quite literal kiss of death. As a result, it was hard to plan quick impulsive dinners (at first…); any date that involved food meant a not insignificant amount of research, checking and double checking everything about where we might eat. But she was awesome, so hey, you do what you have to.

What I learned while dating her was to de-couple dates from food, at least in the early days. Until I had a better idea of what restaurants were safe, our dates were more activity based –going dancing, hanging out, singing karaoke, taking walks, etc. It meant being a little more creative and getting away from the usual “dinner/movie” paradigm, which is a stale date anyway. And the more familiar I became about her dietary restrictions, the easier it was to be more impulsive. It meant having a smaller list of places to go for a quick meal – we couldn’t exactly go check out the cute new bistro on a lark – but it worked well.

(Incidentally, she’s married to a great guy and has some adorable kids, so clearly her dietary allergies didn’t hinder her romantic life TOO badly…)

So let’s bring it back to you, DDD.

What you have right now is a gift, in a perverse, wish-you’d-kept-the-receipt-so-you-could-give-it-back kind of way: you know pretty much right off the bat whether or not somebody is going to be compatible with you. You have specific, non-negotiable restrictions in your life; if someone can’t or won’t work within them, then the two of you were never going to work out in the first place. Similarly, if someone is going to see the fact that you can’t eat certain foods as a deal-breaker or an inconvenience they don’t want to put up with, then they have self-selected straight out of your dating pool. Does this limit the number of people who’ll say yes in the first place? Yeah… but at the same time, you’re not wasting the time, money or emotional energy on them just to find out that it would never work.

But that’s all on the emotional, philosophical side of your dating situation. Let’s talk about the practical side.

The first thing to do is simple: be up front with your restrictions. Don’t be apologetic or roll it out like you’ve been cursed by an old Roma woman because you ran over her goldfish. It’s not something to be ashamed of or to be embarrassed about, it’s just part of who you are. So let people know up front on your dating profile: “FYI, I have celiac disease, so I have some dietary restrictions.” Simple, direct and to the point. Folks who are going to be scared off by it are folks you wouldn’t be dating anyway. It also means that there’s less worry that you’re somehow showing a lack of interest.

It’s the same thing with your schedule issues. Lots of folks have tight schedules, and not many people are able to go out on dates beyond an hour for coffee or drinks on a weekday in the first place. That’s not likely to be an issue. Similarly, don’t stress the inability to be impulsive. Not every woman wants to just take off to wherever the whim takes them; there’re plenty of women who appreciate planning and structure.

When it comes to keeping the emotional momentum going before the date, there’re a number of ways to do that – especially if you’ve met up via OKCupid or other online dating sites. If you can swing it, you can meet for a mid-week pre-date date – that aforementioned hour for coffee or a quick drink – while you see Ms. Right On Screen is also Ms. Right In Person. If you can’t… well, it’s not like you can’t continue the conversations you were having before you set up a date. If the two of you were vibing and having a great time writing back and forth, you can still text or message each other. They don’t need to be long or involved conversations, but even a short jokey or flirty exchange can keep that ball rolling until Friday night.

Meanwhile, build up a repertoire of dates that aren’t focused around food. Comedy clubs, pool, skee-ball, go-karts, dancing, hikes, museum tours, even things like Mystery Rooms all make for excellent dates. Picnics give you a little more room to be impulsive and playful while still making sure you have food choices you can eat. And as the two of you get closer, you can have hang-out dates at your place – you might even invite her over for a home-cooked (and gluten free) meal. Bring wine and candles and it’s instant romance.

(Oh, and as a slight aside: dude, your friends kiiiinda sound like jerks. I mean, they may be great in other respects, but if they never really stop to think that “Hey, DDD can’t eat here, maybe we should look for a place where he can come with us…” that’s kinda awful of them. But that’s a rant for a different time. )

Don’t let your restrictions get you down, DDD. As any artist can tell you: having some boundaries to bounce off of can inspire you to greater levels of creativity than the (surprisingly) intimidating option of infinite choices. It’ll take a little more prep work and planning than it might for other folks, but you don’t have to let your worries hold you back from the dating life you want.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have been with my wife for almost 19 years, married almost 15, and have a dilemma. Recently (the past few months or so), she has been asking me how much I love her. I think she is playing around and give her an answer like “more than I can begin to tell you”. Actually, I feel the answer should be “enough to put up with you for asking such a question.” I am the sole breadwinner and do the cooking and food shopping, as well as drive when we go out (she has a license). I also do everything I possible can for her. She isn’t a queen or princess or anything so she isn’t spending money faster than I can make it. We have a joint credit card that she uses and the highest the bill has been was a few hundred dollars for Christmas gifts. With all I do for her, I don’t know why she continues to ask this question nor how I can answer it to her satisfaction. I am feeling like I am being pushed away when she asks this question.

Please provide your thoughts.

Thanks!

Questionable Concerns

DEAR QUESTIONABLE CONCERNS: This… isn’t really a problem, QC. She’s not trying to push you away. It sounds more to me like someone who’s just looking for a little reassurance that you love her now, even after nearly 20 years. Joking answers can be cute and funny, but if she’s actually feeling a little insecure or worried about something, then the best thing you can do is give her a serious answer and tell her why you love her.

But here’s the thing, QC: if you want to know why she’s continuing to ask the question, then the person who can answer this question is your wife, not some loud mouthed jack-ass with an advice column. So use your words already. Ask her why she’s asking and what she needs to be reassured that yes, you do love her. She’ll be in a much better position to tell you what’s going on than I am.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)