DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Before I get to the core of the problem, I want to give you a little background of where I come from. As a teenager I grew up a fairly popular kid. I had people fawning over me all the time – men and women. Naturally, I didn’t know rejection until well past my late teens. When I was about 18-19, I dated this girl I was madly in love with for about 4-5 years. Eventually it ended and the end wasn’t very good for me.

Unfortunately, I suffered an almost-mortal illness days after the break-up, which just contributed further to making my recovery harder. My time together with her had made me so dependent that it took me a really long time to get out of that zone and start being a confident, desirable human being again. I did eventually recover, worked extremely hard on myself and started dating the kind of women I really wanted again. Still, I was somewhat commitment phobic and bailed every time things started to move in a more serious direction again. It took me almost 4-5 years more before I actually got into my next exclusive, committed relationship.

I recently moved to a new city and the change has been kinda hard to adapt to. My (ex) girlfriend and I ended our relationship mutually since we were both moving to different cities and agreed that neither of us wanted a LDR. Having said that, this whole change caused several of my past insecurities to crop up and I found myself struggling socially again. It took me a while to make new friends and build a social circle at all but eventually I made a couple of really close friends – a girl and a guy. I was somewhat attracted to the girl but decided not to make a move on her because she had a long-term/long distance boyfriend, and in either case, I decided that her friendship was more precious to me than any foreseeable sexual pleasure. Fast forward a few days and I find out that my two best friends are hooking up. At a fundamental level I am okay with this – I don’t really care so much. I am not into the girl so much for it to bother me. The problem is that I actually share an apartment with the guy and sometimes when they hook up at our place I can hear them, which really upsets me. I also feel kind of awkward hanging out alone with them because I feel like I am just being an obstacle. Sometimes I catch myself wondering that they only hang out with me because two of us live together. A part of me knows that this is not entirely true, but a part of me that’s driven by my insecurities can’t help thinking this way. I have already had individual conversations with both of them about their equation and told them that I did not entirely appreciate the fact that they sneak around behind my back to hook up because I’d have much rather preferred that they be honest with me than take me for a fool. But I also told them that whoever either of them chooses to hook up with is none of my concern and I frankly do not care so much.

Now the core nature of my problem is that I expect a certain degree of sensitivity and discretion on their part. Both of them know that I have a thing for her, even if it isn’t a big deal. I have no intention of making a move for her now or in the future, but just knowing that the girl auto-rejected me is a confidence downer for me. It’s also not exactly like I am going through a dry spell. I manage to occasionally attract women I want to sleep with and do it too. It’s just that I feel really out of place with my two closest friends in this new city and I do not know what my place is any more or where I stand with either of them. I feel like if they cared for me, they wouldn’t put me through this awkward situation. Frankly, I don’t even know what or if I expect any kind of answer from you – I just needed to get this off my chest, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to bring this up with either of them. I don’t want to come across as a whiny little cow, but I also am kind of suffering and it has a negative impact on my overall social success. If you have any thoughts for me, I’d be glad to hear/read. I enjoy reading your columns, and most things you say make sense to me both intuitively and counter-intuitively.

Cheers, 

Guilty As Charged

DEAR GUILTY AS CHARGED: There’s a lot to get into here GaC, but as is often the case, I think a lot of what you’re describing are symptoms stemming from a central cause. In this case, I think you’re dealing with some anxiety around relationships of all stripes – sexual and platonic.

This isn’t terribly surprising, or even all that uncommon. I’ve been fielding questions like yours for my entire career. In your case, you started off in an intensely dependent relationship at an incredibly difficult time of your life. You came back from that, which is awesome. It’s a testimony to your strength and fortitude that you pushed through the difficult times and managed to come out through the other side.

But the thing to keep in mind is that these experiences tend to leave scars on your soul. This doesn’t mean that you’re weak or that you’re not better; it just means that you’ve been through some shit and that’s going to stay with you.

And honestly, it’s not at all surprising that you’re a little anxious about having moved to a new city, especially one where you have no pre-existing social circle. One of the unspoken crises of modern life is how intensely lonely we all have become. We’re all craving that connection with other people. We want our tribe and our family of choice. Considering what you’ve gone through, it’s entirely understandable that you’re incredibly sensitive to any perceived threats to your connection with your friends. Doubly so, considering that you’re attracted to one of them. This is known as “hypervigilance”; you’re constantly on high alert, looking for any possible signs of trouble. But one of the consequences of hypervigilance is that it’s very easy to take a normal situation and mistake it as a reason to panic.

Case in point: your relationship with your friends. In any other situation, this would be slightly awkward and uncomfortable for a little bit, then everyone would settle down and recognize the status quo – assuming, that is, that nobody’s being an a

hole about it. In your case, however, you’re almost seeking out problems because you expect them. You believe that this is going to happen and so that confirmation bias kicks in and you take minor issues and overly inflate their significance, running them through the filter of your belief that you are going to get left behind again.

Take, for example, the idea that your female friend “auto-rejected” you. This honestly isn’t what happened. To start with, you didn’t make a move. You chose not to do anything. That’s not rejection, that’s the absence of action. You can’t get rejected if you never actually acted on your interest.

At the same time, the fact that she had other partners, before and after she met you, has nothing to do with you. Her not leaping into your arms upon meeting you doesn’t mean you auto-rejected. All that happened is that she wasn’t attracted to you. Consider, for example, how you go about your day. You see dozens, even hundreds of women every week. You aren’t attracted to all of them. That doesn’t say anything about them, other than they just don’t have whatever x-factor you need to be into someone. You aren’t being uninterested at them. It’s just a default state of null sexual interest.

The same is true about your friend. The fact that she doesn’t return your interest doesn’t say anything about your value as a person, your attractiveness or your desirability to women in general. It’s just one person who clearly likes you, just not in the way that you would like. Which, y’know, is a shame, but that’s life. Not every crush we have is going to be reciprocated. Similarly, her relationship with your other friend has nothing to do with you either. It’s just how things shook out; they had chemistry and interest, one thing led to another and hey, now they’re hooking up.

But here’s where your anxiety is starting to interfere with things. You are treating this as something being done at you. I mean, you say “I feel like if they cared for me, they wouldn’t put me through this awkward situation.” And trust me, I get how you feel; I have been there, done that and printed the t-shirts. However, the truth is that the situation is quite the opposite. They’re trying to spare you – and them – awkwardness and uncomfortable situations. They know that you have a crush on your friend; being discreet about sleeping together is less about “sneaking around” or treating you like a fool. It’s really about “let’s not rub GaC’s face in this until things are a little less awkward”. They’re trying to be sensitive about your feelings because hey, they’re your friends and they care about you. It’s obvious that you’re uncomfortable with things, and they’re trying to keep it from being too bad.

But to be perfectly honest, you ARE kind of making it worse. I’m sympathetic to how you feel, but ultimately, there’s only so much discretion that can be had before things go from “let’s try to not rub GaC’s face in it” to “GaC is dictating the terms of someone else’s relationship.” You’ve told them both that you don’t care about who they hook up with, yet you clearly do. Putting on a false face of “this doesn’t bug me” makes it much harder to actually address the elephant in the room and get past things because you aren’t being up front about it… with them, or yourself.

As I said: most of this is coming from your anxiety. You’re afraid of being rejected and abandoned and alone again. You’re picking up on things and turning them into existential threats, when they’re nothing of the kind because their feelings for each other isn’t about you. But if you keep letting your anxiety dictate things, it will be… because you’ll have pushed them away.

So here’s what I suggest. First: you need to take a deep breath, let it out, and then let go of their relationship. As long as you treat their relationship as a referendum on you, things are going to be awkward. The more you can let go and just be happy for them because they’re happy and they’re your friends, the less you’ll feel like they’re looking for reasons to cut you loose. Things will feel more relaxed and enjoyable again because there won’t be this sense of tension around where they have to tiptoe around your feelings. Don’t get me wrong: this doesn’t mean that they have license to suck face in front of you, but you also need to not get huffy if they’re together and being affectionate.

And, yeah, hearing their sex-noises is annoying; it’s one of the issues when it comes to having roommates. This is one of those areas where you’re going to have to work to find a compromise. Maybe they can put on some music. Maybe you can get some noise-cancelling headphones. But you’re both going to have to make some allowances for your living situation. They can work on not being excessively loud when they get freak-nasty, you can work on finding ways to not hear it.

Next: work on talking yourself down from the metaphorical ledge. At times it can help to invoke your inner Spock and dispassionately argue against your anxiety. When you have those anxiety flare-ups, then let that Inner Spock remind you that you’re wrong. “No, GaC, evidence shows that they still care for you as a friend. Notice how they continue to spend time with you and include you, even as they pursue a relationship together.” “It is illogical to assume that couples leverage their relationship against someone, GaC. Their wanting to spend time together is about the oxytocin and dopamine production of a new relationship, not psychological games on a third party.”

And honestly, it may be worth talking to somebody to help get your anxiety under control. You may find use in doing some self-guided cognitive behavioral therapy with a site like MoodGym. You may want to try using a service like Talkspace to find a counselor. Or you may talk with your doctor and see if they can give you a referral.

Just remember: your anxiety and hypervigilance isn’t a weakness or a sign that you’re a bad or unworthy person. You’ve been through some shit. You’ve got scars, and this is how it manifests is all. That’s not weakness, that’s the mark of a survivor. You’ve been strong enough to get through the shit that’s come before. You’re strong enough to keep healing.

You’re gonna be ok.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Long time reader, first time writer,

Since I’ve followed your blog I’ve been on “improve your life”, “starting from ground zero” phase for years on end. In that time I’ve kept in shape (strength trained to a competitive level), kept up my grades to improve my long-term future, and tried to improve myself for the right time for someone to come along. I feel like I’ve done everything right, but somehow come up short in the dating world:

Part of the reason this is because I’ve continuously put my life on hold in some ways in pursuit of a better future. In undergrad I stayed away from any sort of long term relationship because I was worried of “overly-attached” -> bad life decision long term or heart break -> bad life outcome (GPA falls apart in a semester etc.)… at the same time until recently I was fairly religious (still am, but while reconciling certain beliefs), and felt that anything short-term was somehow “immoral” and to be avoided.

Over the years, the “right” time just never came along: sure, girls were interested in me, but I wouldn’t pursue. I can’t help but wonder what could have been with (few?) (many?) (special one?) (who cares).

Now years later, I have been forced to take a gap year between degrees and ultimately put my degree on hold. I am frankly sick of waiting to get that part of my life together. At the same time, I understand that getting into anything serious now (as you’d expect 24 year old to) would just be poor form to whoever I date, given that I will eventually return to a career-driven lifestyle.

I have ultimately concluded that short-term things are my only saving grace; something I still don’t stomach well. Am I overthinking all of this?

Still on The Sidelines

DEAR STILL ON THE SIDELINES: In her book THE LOVE GAP, author Jenna Birch has a great term for your sort of mindset: “laser focusing”. Essentially, you have a specific idea about how your life is “supposed” to be in order to date and you’re focusing on it like a laser beam. So you end up treating your life as though you need to grind every aspect of your life to a specific level, in sequential order, to be in a place where you are “ready” to date.

And honestly? That’s what’s slowing you down. Treating your life as though you can only pay attention to one aspect at a time means that you’re going to be waiting for a long time. You can pursue relationships and self-development and your career. Think of a spider’s web, with it’s interconnected threads and strands. Individually, each strand may not seem like much, but they all lead into one another, creating a whole that is stronger than the sum of its parts. If you want to date – instead of waiting for the chance to date – then you need to treat your life more like a web. Let yourself develop in many directions at once, instead of trying to achieve it in sequential stages.

Because, honestly? You’re overthinking things. You’re letting the idea that you can only do one thing at a time hold you back. If you’re going to treat dating as something you can’t do until you’re at the “perfect” place in your career, then you are going to continue sacrificing your life in the name of a future, one that will never truly arrive. Once you get to that place where you say “OK, I’m here” – if you don’t keep kicking things further down the line to your next stage in life – then you’re going to look around and realize how many amazing women you could have dated and be kicking yourself for not taking your chance when you could have.

Waiting until putting your life on hold for a better or more perfect future is a mistake. There will never be a “right” time; there will only be THIS time, right now. Accept that you’re a work in progress, that there will always be room for improvement, but you’re in good shape now and take some chances. You might find something short term. You might find someone who’s so awesome that you’ll decide you want something long-term with them, even as you pursue your career. But if you want to get started, then it’s time to stop sitting on the sidelines and get in the game.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a freshman in college with little dating experience, and I could use some advice on a situation I don’t know how to read.

So a little while back I met this girl at a team party (school sports) and it was one of those instant attraction types of things; for whatever reason I was just really into her right off the bat. Nothing happened that night, we just talked and flirted a bit (didn’t get a number, damn.) but I enjoyed myself. This was right before winter break so there was no real opportunity to keep up emotional momentum and I filed her away into the “nice girl, glad I met her” category. 

Anyways, the first time I saw her after break was at another team event. This time a day trip where we just all had some fun times and chilled out. Again, we flirted and got on well, I was really enjoying myself. After the trip some of us met up at a party later in the evening and there we shared a brief but sweet make-out session. I got her number and things were going great, but after this point that she got considerably more difficult to read.

I texted her the next morning and she seemed kinda cold and stand-offish. I didn’t really try to milk it and figured she had enjoyed last night but didn’t want anything else. That was that.

A week or so later I got a text asking me to go out to the club (I’m Canadian, so drinking age is lower) with her and a few of her girlfriends, unfortunately I wasn’t able to go but made sure to mention that I’d love to get together some other time. Anyways, I texted her the next morning asking her how the night was etc. and got roughly the same treatment as before; polite indifference. Again, I dropped it, figured she was a few drinks deep and wanted some company and that it wasn’t anything serious. The next few times I saw her we were friendly and flirted a little, but nothing to really change my feeling that she just wanted to be friends. 

Anyways, last weekend we had another team party and she was all over me. I had her friends and mine telling me to go for it and what-not but ultimately didn’t do anything. She was wasted by the end of the night and it was hardly fair to her especially given my doubts about how she feels about me in the first place. I didn’t get to talk to her after that, but I can’t help but think it would’ve been the same story.

You’ve said a few times that alcohol doesn’t create feelings, it just lowers inhibitions and I guess I’m wondering if that’s what’s happening here. I figure either I’m being absolutely brain-dead and should just ask her out, or I should run the other way given that I’d like a relationship and she doesn’t seem all that interested when she’s sober. 

Send help? 

Sincerely, 

Why’d You Only Call Me When You’re High?

DEAR WHY’D YOU ONLY CALL ME WHEN YOU’RE HIGH: First of all: you made the right call to not make a move while she was drunk. She was at the point of being unable to give consent, so the only choice to make is to let her get home and nurse her hangover in the morning. Regardless of how she actually feels about you, hooking up with her in that state would have been assault at best.

Now, as for what’s going on?

Well, asking you to go to the club with her could just be she was looking for some more friends to hang out with. Or she could have been inviting you down because she wanted to hook you up with one of her girlfriends. Or (and this is strictly based on the way you report her behavior) she was looking to hook up and kind of felt awkward about it the next day when you didn’t show. She put herself out there – kinda – and now is feeling a little weird about it.

The thing is: I don’t think she’s that into you. Not that she dislikes you, mind, but simply that she’s not really interested in dating… but she’s feeling lonely and/or horny, she’d be down for a quick bootie call. People do this all the time; there may be someone we’re casually friends with (or acquaintances, or what-have-you) who we’re not really interested in dating, but we know they’re into us and hey, they’re not bad looking, a good kisser… and on those nights when we’re feeling like we need some action, we think “hey, maybe So-and-So would be down for it.” And in the cold light of day the next day we think “Well, hell, that was awkward.” Now you’ve gotta get them out without letting them think that this is going to be a thing and… yeah, better to just not say anything and hope the other person doesn’t bring it up.

This, I suspect, is why she blows hot and cold. She knows you like her. She likes you too, at least a little. However she believes that you’re interested in something she’s just not offering (in this case, a relationship) and doesn’t want to give you false hope or string you along. But there’re times when there’s an itch to be scratched and hey, it wouldn’t hurt to see if you’re willing to come by.

What should you do? It sounds to me like you’re not someone who’s down for casual sex or a friends-with-benefits relationship. Unfortunately, that seems to be all that she’s offering.

However, it also sounds like these apparent mood-swings are getting under your skin, and who could blame you; the whole thing feels like a constant game of “go away a little closer”. So I would suggest you just talk to her. Find some time to get together with her and just lay it all out there: here’s how you’re feeling, here’s why you’re confused, and you’d really like to know just what’s going on.

Don’t be accusatory or put her on the defensive, just explain how you feel and that you’d like to understand. If she’s not interested in dating you and you’re not down for being an “in case of bootie emergency break glass” kind of friend, then ask her to please stop because that’s not what you’re down for and it’s confusing and frustrating. But if she is open to actually going on a proper date, you’d love to take her out and see how it goes.

And if you and I are completely wrong about what she’s doing… well, at least now there’s a chance to clear it all up and you can both laugh over the crazy miscommunications and part as friends.

Good luck!

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I just found your site and and eagerly reading and devouring everything I can. 

Now regardless of whether or not Miss X and I ever go out, I feel asking a person out is a weak point. I have relationships in the past, one even until last year. But many of these were friendships that grew into relationships. Simply going up to a woman, talking to her, and asking her out is something I probably have never done successfully. Therefore I want to improve. 

My situation is there. There is someone at my work I would really like to ask out. Let us call her Miss X. Now my problem is I have a stutter that is at its worst when I am nervous and I feel like the environment is not relaxed. I am much better one on one, but at my work often this is just not possible. I feel I am already at a disadvantage when I engage anyone. 

My strengths are there. I have many friends, I know a lot of women in fact. I can be funny and intelligent in abundance. On my terms however. However I feel like I am entering a boxing ring with one hand tied behind my back when I open my mouth. I begin to have trouble and my confidence collapses.

Any advice would be very helpful and thank you for all the work you have done.

Mister E

DEAR MISTER E: Buddy, I feel you. Approach anxiety is a rat bastard in and of itself. When you’re dealing with a stress-amplified speech impediment, I can totally understand why you’d be hesitant to go up to your Miss X and ask her out.

So here’s something you can use to get your anxiety under control: you’re environment may not be relaxing, but you can force you to relax and calm down.

First of all: the body controls the brain. Our brain reacts to physical stimuli, and our emotions tend to spring from how we feel physically as much as to whatever’s going on in our heads. By forcing yourself to relax, you’re slowing your heart-rate down, easing the adrenaline out of your system and getting your muscles to quit tensing up in misplaced fight-or-flight prep.

The easiest and quickest way to do this is to take a minute – a literal minute, counting down from 60 to zero in your head – and control your breathing. Breathe in through your nose for a count of 8, hold it for a count of 8, breathe out for a count of 10. This keeps you from hyperventilating – one of the key symptoms of anxiety and nervousness – floods your blood with oxygen and causes your heart rate to slow down. You literally can’t panic when you’re keeping your heart rate low.

Trust me, I do this every time we hit turbulence when I fly. 

Taking that minute gives you a better sense of being in control, rather than having to react instantaneously.  This will help keep you relaxed and feeling like everything’s fine.

Now, when you talk to her, you need to recognize that this isn’t a battle between you two. You’re not in the boxing ring and she’s not your opponent. She doesn’t need you to batter down her defenses in order to get her interested in you, and not every conversation is a duel. Just slow your roll and talk to her like a person. You don’t have to be Mr. Lightning Wit at first, dropping bon mots like the Atlanta Falcons dropping passes, just be calm and let your personality come through. If you’re worried about your stutter, take a second to consider your reply; you’ll look thoughtful and confident rather than being an impulsive motormouth.

Don’t get hung up on “must get her to like me” or “need to make her laugh before I ask her out”; your goal, your only goal, is to talk to her and have a good conversation. When you disconnect the outcome (getting a date) from the process  (talking to her), it’s much easier to just be in the moment and not worrying that you need to be absolutely perfect or that everything is riding on this one conversation and if it doesn’t go right, she’ll never talk to you again. That’s how you psych yourself out and end up choking. Just talk with her.

Now, if you want to seed the possibility of a date without giving yourself the stress of “ok, gonna ask her out… NOW!”, talk about something cool coming up that you’re looking forward to – a museum, a band, a cool bar, something that you like that you’re excited about doing. Don’t ask her out, just talk about it with her, then let the subject change. Then later, when when you’ve hit a mutual emotional high-point or the conversation is beginning to wind down, say “hey, you know what? You’d probably like $COOL_THING, and I’d love for you to come with me.”  It’s low-stakes and low pressure. If she’s down: awesome! You’ve got a date. If not, then “hey, no problem. So did you hear about…” No muss, no fuss, no stress.

And one last tip: if talking in person stresses you out… there’s always texting or instant messaging. It’s instant one-on-one communication, even if you’re in a room full of people.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

(Doctor’s Note: one of the letters for this week’s column involves the description of a sexual assault.)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a strange situation, but I’m sure you’ve heard it all.

I live in a house with three other people. Two of the people are married, and the other is recently divorced and is 33 and the niece of the woman in the married relationship. I have been friends with the 33 year old for about 12 years. I am 20 years older than her, and when are friendship first started we would mostly go hiking and see movies (we didn’t live in the same house then either). We were both attracted to each other and the friendship remained platonic, but something was always there. We always had a tacit agreement that the age difference was too great.

She met a guy and got married and I was really happy for her. It worked out that I bought a house with her aunt an husband, and they rented a room from us. This worked out fine until the marriage started getting rough, and she would ask me questions like “you still love me, right?”. The marriage ended about nine months ago and it has been strange living in the house across the hall from someone I have feelings for, and having her aunt there complicates things more. I still get comments from her like “what would I do without you” and “if we were the same age”.

I can’t stay in this situation a lot longer, my thoughts are:

 – Tell her yes, I do love her and age is just a number let’s give this a try.

 – Asking her to move out because the living situation is no longer healthy (this may wreck the relationship with people I own the house with)

 – Deciding it is time to sell the house and move on to the next phase of my life

 Any advice on how to proceed?

Landlords In Love

DEAR LANDLORDS IN LOVE: Let me ask you something, LIL. Did you two actually discuss your attraction to one another? Like, actually said the words “I want to date you and totally would if you weren’t older than me?” Or is this you rounding a close, maybe even flirty friendship up to attraction? Because, frankly, phrases like “you still love me, right?” don’t suggest romance, they suggest friendship or even quasi-familial love.

I see a lot of people who have that kind of close, even intimate friendship and someone assumes that the emotional intimacy there also translates to actual, romantic attraction. And when they find out that no, it really is just friendship – even friends that say “what would I do without you” or ask “You still love me, right” – they’re devastated because they’ve built this into something it’s not.

I mean, if I were going to turn someone down as gently as I could, “the age difference is so great” would probably be one my first go-tos. Nothing to be done about it, nobody’s fault, oh well, who wants Chinese?

You’re going to need to be the one to answer that, LIL, because I’m not there. And if this is friendship that you’ve been reading too much into and one that you’ve been holding a torch for… well, that’s going to cause some unnecessary heartbreak.

Now, assuming that there is an actual romantic and sexual connection there… well, there are complications, not the least of which being that you at least partially own the building she lives in. That ain’t the most equitable start to a relationship, to be perfectly honest. I mean, if you have the power to evict her (subject to tenant/landlord laws in your city and state) that’s kind of a big club to be wielding over someone.

And then there’s the fact it’s only been nine months since the marriage ended. You don’t mention how long they were married for but something tells me she’s still working on processing being single again. Hell, she may well not want to be dating anyone for a while.

My advice is that you’re better off letting this be and pursuing other relationships, with people who don’t live in a building you own. And if you’re going to insist on asking her out (seriously, I think it’s a bad idea), then go slow. Don’t assume that she’s interested in you romantically and leap in with both feet. Start with a date – an unequivocal date – and work from there.

But seriously. I think this is an absurdly bad idea. There’re just too many complicating factors here.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I need your help.

My wife was on business trip and had to stay over weekend. I encouraged her to go out and enjoy drinks with friends. She didn’t really want to because she is an introvert, but after we talked she agreed to try to make new friends.

A male co-worker met her at a restaurant and from there he drove her to a few night spots where they met up with several more new people. She isn’t much of a drinker, but her coworker continue to give her drinks. He told her that she could really drink well. It was just about closing when he left her and brought back one last drink. Minutes after sipping on this drink she felt extremely drunk. He suggested they get some food. She was surprised the restaurant was part of his apartment and he got the food to go.

She was now nervous as they got on elevator to his place. After they ate, she asked to go but he insisted that they talked and he then made a move on her. She said “NO… I want to go… If you don’t take me I will find another way”. He said “It’s late just stay and sleep nothing will happen. I am tired.”

He then left and went to his room leaving her alone. She sat there 30 minutes and finally walked to his room and again asked to be taken back to her hotel. He pulled her down on bed and again started things but this time she said “I passively consented. I knew I wasn’t getting out of there”. He started the intercourse and she told him “Stop …I am married…you have ruined my marriage.” He stopped but didn’t seem particularly sorry and drove her back.

This has affected both of us deeply. We have a beautiful Christ centered marriage and now we are left to figure out how and why this happened. She certainly blames herself and I am hurt as well. 

Do you have any advice for me on how to view this and help her.

Traumatized

DEAR TRAUMATIZED: I’m not going to mince words Traumatized: your wife was raped. Her co-worker got her drunk, took her back to his place and assaulted her. She didn’t “passively consent”, she was forced into a situation where not only could she not give consent, but where she couldn’t leave and almost certainly felt that trying to do anything else might have ended up with her being hurt or even killed.

So I want to be abundantly clear here: this is not her fault. Let me repeat that for emphasis: This. Was. Not. Her. Fault. This happened because a co-worker abused her trust, plied her with alcohol to make her compliant, trapped her at his apartment and raped her.

Once again for emphasis: THIS WAS NOT HER FAULT. She is not to blame here. The only person to be blamed is the rapist. 

What you need to do now is focus on your wife’s healing. She’s been through a traumatic experience and, frankly, she’s likely going to need help processing what happened and accepting that this was not her fault. One thing I would suggest is that she call RAINN (The Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800.656.4673. It’s open 24 hours and completely confidential. They have support specialists who can help her find therapy, give her tips for effective self-care after her trauma and advice on what she may want to do next – whether it’s to talk to the police and press charges or not.

I would also suggest checking out their website’s resources for recovering from sexual violence for both victims of rape and sexual assault and their loved ones at https://bit.ly/2aM4nM2. This can give you a number of options on how to heal, how to move forward and how to avoid triggering any emotional aftershocks, as well as give you resources on how best to talk with her and to help and support her.

One thing I would strongly suggest she do is to tell her manager and the HR department at work. Not only should she not have to keep working with a predator, but the odds are good that he’s done this before, to other women. Telling management and the HR department can help her feel safer and more secure, as well as bring some measure of punishment down on this guy.

I’m so sorry this has happened to her, Traumatized, and I want to reiterate this one more time: THIS IS NOT HER FAULT. She’s going to need love and support right now, so be the man she can depend on for love, for security and for compassion.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)