DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: A few days back, my girlfriend bumped into someone she knew from school but hadn’t connected to since at the subway stop. They chatted for a bit, and then her train came. To her surprise, the guy got on the train with her despite the fact that it was not going in the direction that he was. During the trip, he mentioned several times how lonely he was, and how bitter and angry that makes him. In school, my girlfriend had been kind to this person after his diagnosis with Aspergers, during which time he shared that he had suicidal tendencies. Now, she’s worried that he doesn’t have anyone with whom he can share these feelings. Other than a mutual appreciation of the same TV series, they don’t have anything in common.

This evening, the person sent my girlfriend an email asking to go to a movie together. On one hand, she feels like she has a responsibility to help someone so obviously in need of companionship. On the other, she has no interest in spending any more time with the guy, and has neither the time or energy to become this person’s emotional support system, because she’ll be starting an intensive program in Engineering soon. She doesn’t want to agree to one meeting and give the impression that she wants to be his BFF, but she doesn’t want the guilt of ghosting him or turning him down and later learning that he had hurt himself or others. He doesn’t seem to take hints very well, or he wouldn’t have followed her home.

Should she give him the one hang out he wants, or should she find a way to turn him down gently? She wants my advice, but I don’t know what to say.

What About Bob?

DEAR WHAT ABOUT BOB: It’s good that your girlfriend is concerned about this guy’s feelings, WaB. But there’s a difference between “being concerned about someone” and “signing on to be their emotional cruise director.”

One of the issues that comes up with folks who are in the center of the Venn diagram with “lonely” on one side and “socially awkward” on the other is that they tend to imprint on the first person to be nice to them like an awkward duckling. Which can be sweet at times but it’s also exhausting; more often than not, it means that they’re putting all of their emotional intimacy eggs into that one metaphorical basket. That in and of itself is a problem, but it also means that they tend to rely on that person for all of their future social connections.

And then there’s the fact that this dude is waving some red flags around. Getting on the train going in the wrong direction to keep talking to her… ok, he may not quite get appropriate behavior. It’s still creepy, but it’s a one-off. However, that plus advertising his bitterness and rage AND dropping subtle hints about his loneliness… I can’t really blame your girlfriend for feeling weird about this guy.

Plus: she’s got her own life to live. She’s busy as it is, and her job isn’t to be this dude’s therapist, surrogate or nursemaid. And this guy is already giving signs of attaching himself to her like a lovesick lamprey.

Look, this is a case where there won’t be just one hang-out. If she meets up with him once, she’s going to be opening up the door to even more demands on her time… and she’ll feel guilty not giving it to him. Blame the same socialization that women go through that teaches them to be overly-giving to others, even at the expense of themselves.

The best thing your girlfriend can do is turn him down, gently but firmly. It’s important that she makes it clear that she’s not interested in hanging out with him; a soft “no” like “I can’t, I’m busy right now” will be read as a “…so keep trying.” She doesn’t have to be cruel or harsh about it, but she should be clear that she’s not available or interested in hanging out with him.

The other thing to keep in mind: she’s not responsible for whatever he does or doesn’t do after she turns him down. That’s bullshit that people try to use to leverage others – especially women – into doing things they don’t want to do. Just as Shana Fisher wasn’t responsible for Dimitrios Pagourtzis shooting up the school in Santa Fe, Texas, your girlfriend isn’t on the hook for this guy’s actions. He may be lonely, he may be autistic, but he still is making choices of his own free will. That’s on him. 

Tell your girlfriend the best thing she can say is “thanks but no thanks, best of luck on your search.”

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am a screw-up trying to unscrew his screw-ups with women. Several things happened in my freshman year that reinforced my need to get better with interacting with women: I was falsely accused of stalking a girl in my orientation group, I torched a friendship with a female friend after groping her by accident and making her even more uncomfortable in my attempts to apologize, and learned that I had creeped out the girl I’d had a crush on since the beginning of the year. This is compounding on the screw-ups with women I had during high school, and suffice it to say, there are a lot of them. 

I was tired of repeating history, so I went Google searching for advice on not creeping out women, which is how I found your ‘Don’t Be A Creep’ series of articles. I learned about “soft ‘no’s”, “oneitis”, the importance of eye contact and observation of personal space, and a bunch of other helpful stuff, and for a while, it seemed to work. I fully realized some of the creepy actions I’ve done in my past, reached out to the people I could and apologized. I apologized to my crush and became, if not friends, someone she’s OK having around. I kicked porn and masturbation for four months and enjoyed the results. It was a little exhilarating. 

Well, school’s out and reality came crashing in. I had talked a little to my ex-friend, and she said she was open to me texting her, which I tried and got left on read. I had gotten my crush’s Snapchat a few weeks before school was out; it’s going on 3 weeks into summer, and she still hasn’t added me back. I tried to contact a victim of my creepiness and got no response, not even a ‘Read [insert time]’, which makes me believe she blocked my number, a horrible feeling. Porn and masturbation came crashing in, and my streak was broken within 48 hours of being home. I know I’m not entitled to forgiveness or love or whatever it is I’m looking for, but that doesn’t change the fact that the lack of whatever I’m looking for SUCKS. 

Coming home from school made me realize what was seemingly a lot of old feelings going away was just a delayed reaction, and they’ve all come back with a vengeance. That ‘I’m going to die alone’ feeling. That ‘accept your fate’ feeling. That ‘Scarlet Letter, every girl on the planet knows you’ve done some creepy stuff and wouldn’t want to be around you for a million dollars’ feeling. That ‘I’m the only one who feels this way and has these problems’ feeling. I know these are all BS, but yet another thing I’ve learned this year is the huge difference between comprehension and acceptance.

So I guess the advice I’m looking for throughout all of this gut-spilling is: what do I do moving forward? How do I take the blinders off and see the mistakes I’m seeing in the present instead of with hindsight’s 20/20? Is there some way to go from comprehension to acceptance with what’s probably never going to happen? Is there some sabotaging aspect of myself you can see that I can’t? Give me a diagnosis, Doc. Believe me, I need it. 

Needing The Truth

DEAR NEEDING THE TRUTH: OK NTT, remember that you asked for this. This is going to be harsh, but I promise you: go through all of this and you’ll come out a better person on the other side.

Here’s the mistake you made and are STILL making: you haven’t processed the fact that apologizing for being a creeper doesn’t make things better if you don’t change the way you act.

Apologies are great, but they’re just the START of the process. The next step is to QUIT behaving like a creeper. Part of this entails accepting the consequences of your actions. You’ve made people feel deeply uncomfortable, and those people may very well not want you around afterwards, even with your apology. People aren’t always going to give you a second chance, and frankly, that’s their prerogative. They’re neither required to accept your apology nor give you another chance, and it’s on you to accept this.

And honestly? You haven’t. You’re trying to act like what you’ve done has been erased and it hasn’t. It can take people time to feel comfortable around you again; rushing in like everything’s back to the pre-creepiness status quo just tells everybody that you don’t get WHY what you did creeped people out. Jumping on your crush’s Snapchat? That was exactly the sort of thing that tells them that you haven’t learned your lesson. This is the sort of behavior that makes people think “this is going to be exactly the same as it was last time.”

It takes time to earn people’s trust back – often months or even years. Some may never want you around again and hey, while that sucks? The only thing you can do is acknowledge their wishes and move on.

You need to take the L right now and accept that things are going to suck for a while as you show through your actions that you’ve learned and are a better person. That may mean that you’re going to have to let these people go and accept that they just don’t want to have anything to do with you going forward. Which, hey, sucks. But it is what it is. You can only learn from this so that you don’t f

k up the same way, next time.

And while you’re doing all this, you should take time to get some help. The answer to getting better emotionally isn’t joining the no-fap movement, it’s talking to a professional. Fortunately, you’re in college, which means you have access to low-cost, or even free mental health services. Make an appointment with the counselor and start talking all of this out. They’ll be able to help you process everything you’re feeling and give you some strategies to not only handle things, but to help move forward in a healthy and productive manner.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I met this girl and we have something special, anyway she has a dark past, for like a year she wasn’t thinking and had friends with benefits and dated women and once a threesome with 2 guys.

I was in shock! Now I didn’t expect her to be a virgin or anything but these things are huge, it just destroyed me!!

She said that she feels sorry and guilty and hurt that she hurt me, but said its not wrong to her to do these stuff and doesn’t regret it. I talked to her again and told her what she did is disgusting, wrong, and slutty! And she agreed this time! Before she said its not a mistake for her.

She said that she wasn’t thinking back then and had no self respect and that she was just a piece of meat and now she changed and want a normal life and said she tried these things for experience and didn’t like them.

Now what hurts me more is that I asked her “would you do it again knowing you were gonna meet a guy like me and knowing that it would end our relationship?” and she said yes because these things made her a better person (I don’t know how!!) and made her know what she really wants. Like according to her that she was rude at her old work with people and now she’s in a very good good position and said “I don’t regret that because it made me reach this position,” like she doesn’t regret her sexual history, even the THREESOME!

Now every day I wake up first thing in my head is her with two dudes!

I need your advice, I need your help!

Blinding My Minds Eye

DEAR BLINDING MY MIND’S EYE:

Wait. Didn’t I see this movie back when it was called Chasing Amy?

Ok, BMME, I get that you’re freaking out. I get that you’ve basically been hit with things outside of your comfort zone and you’re not entirely sure how to handle this. So it’s understandable that you’re having the human equivalent of the Blue Screen of Death.

But with that being said, it’s time for you to meet my friend the Chair Leg of Truth.

Congratulations. You’ve managed to be an absolutely mind-blowing idiot and are driving off someone you ostensibly care for.

I’m not telling you that you’re bad for being shocked. Clearly you’re not as experienced as she is and some things are going to be outside of your usual day-to-day existence. That’s just life. Not everybody is going to be incredibly cosmopolitan or used to dealing with other people’s sexual escapades. Nor, for that matter are those escapades for everyone. Some people are adventurous like that. Others are not. That’s cool; different strokes for different folks and all.

I AM, however, calling you a slut-shaming jackass for the way you REACTED to it. Telling her you need to take some time to process things and you’re unused to the idea is one thing. Telling her that she’s dirty and slutty and wrong, on the other hand, is shoving your head up your own ass and complaining about the smell.

The problem isn’t that she’s had sex or how much sex she’s had, it’s the fact that you’re not able to handle it and you’re blaming HER for the insecurities YOU have bubbling up.

Huge? Having slept with people is huge? No, having a criminal record of assault and battery is huge, this is just “having a dating history”. A dark past? What in the pluperfect Hell? Being sexually adventurous is not a dark past. She had casual sex! She experimented with bisexuality! She had a threesome! WOAH SHE’S LIVING LIFE ON THE EDGE.

BMME, this is some straight-up Madonna-Whore complex crap. Because, let’s be honest, if one of your bros were telling you about the threesomes he’d had and the random hook-ups he was pulling, you’d be alternating between seething with jealousy and delivering all the high-fives. But hey, when a woman does that oh lord there must be something wrong with her how could she degrade herself like that?

Yeah no. I call BS on that action.

Here’s what we really have: We have someone who’s very secure in herself, sexually. She’s curious, even a little adventurous and tries some things out just to see if they’re her thing or not. Turns out, enh, some of it probably isn’t for her but clearly she doesn’t regret the experiences. And then she meets someone. Someone she thinks could be cool. Someone she feels comfortable opening up to. And when she does, he explodes, messily and all over the place. He calls her a slut and a whore and tells her that she’s disgusting and demands to know how she could possibly do these things.

Someone who, I might point out, she has only known for a month.

Now she feels like she needs to backpedal and justify things that don’t need to be justified and she’s trying to explain, but this dude is making it all about him and how he can’t stop picturing everything she did with those other guys and how could she do this to him?

Why, exactly, should she be with this jackass again?

And here’s the part that I know you haven’t figured out, my dude: NOTHING has actually changed. She is exactly the same person you were totally cool with her until she (unwisely) trusted you enough to open up a little and share her sexual history with you. We are all the sum of our experiences and choices; every single thing we’ve ever seen, done or experienced led us to becoming the people we are right now.  Those experiences that you’re insulting her over, calling her dirty and slutty and wrong? Those experiences are what helped her become the woman she is today. You know… the woman you claim you had something special with. The woman you claim you care(d) about. The woman, who, had you been a decent enough guy, might have had some amazing sexual adventures with you.

But you couldn’t handle it. So you lose out.

Here’s a free clue for you: her sexual history has sweet f

k-all to do with you. That’s her life and her history and it has nothing to do with you or your judgement. She didn’t have casual sex AT you. She didn’t experiment with bisexuality in order to get a rise out of you. I’m sorry you’re having a hard time with imagining your girlfriend’s past, but let’s not pretend that you haven’t gone searching for all of that on PornHub. Let he with two free hands cast the first stone.

My advice? Break up with her. Not because she did anything wrong – she didn’t. No, you need to break up with her because frankly, she deserves better than to be with someone who’s going to verbally abuse her and call her a whore because he can’t handle the idea of a woman having a sexual history.

Grow up, learn to quit treating sex like something to be ashamed of and maybe you’ll be ready to date again.

Maybe.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am a twenty-year-old girl currently dating a twenty-seven-year-old guy. We’ve been together for six months now, and our relationship has been sexual for a few months. It’s been great, but I wouldn’t be writing if things were perfect.

Before this relationship, I was extra virgin. No intercourse or other partnered sexual activity, no kissing, no cuddling, nothing. Everything is new and exciting, and my “introduction” has been great. My boyfriend can read me perfectly. He recognizes when something feels good and does it, even if it seems silly. He delights in my pleasure.

Here’s the problem. When we’re together, everything is very much about me. My pleasure. My satisfaction. My climax. When I’m done, that’s it, unless I indicate I want to go for round n+1. In many ways, I suppose it’s a reversal of the “usual” problem.

I want to be a more giving partner but I’m very shy and timid, and I have no experience in this regard at all. I’ve tried my hand at manual stimulation, but he’ll often position himself in such a way that I can’t actually get a hand on things, such as by pressing against me. Neither of us has performed oral on the other and we’ve had sex exactly twice. Both times went very well, but he suffers from performance anxiety (he can get it up, until we want to do something with it). He’s very good at rolling with it, and can adjust with barely a hiccup, but I do wish I knew what to do to help him relax. I’ve done everything I know of to reassure him that I’m not frustrated or disappointed or mad or judging him or whatever, but usually I just ignore it. I don’t know if that’s the best way to address it, but it feels better than pointing it out unless he does.

I really care for this guy, enough so that I feel game for just about anything. Even “weird” stuff, if it was what he wanted. I’ve told him, multiple times, that if there’s anything he wants he can tell me. He always says he’s happy, and I do believe him. At the same time, I feel selfish. I want to make HIM feel good, in any way I can, not just take my own pleasure.

When it comes to doing something for the first time, I usually wait for him to guide me into it. I’m not very proactive, partly because I don’t know if any given action would be something he wants. I’m nervous about making specific offers because I don’t know what I’m doing, but I think that’s part of the problem. He’s timid too, so we both tend to sit around wanting something without saying it (neither of us gets resentful, though. We know we should just say it already; we’re just nervous). Recently, when I asked if he wanted me to do anything, he instead asked if there was anything *I* wanted to do. I was too shy to tell him I wanted to try giving him head. Besides, though I appreciate his concern for what I want, I want to know what HE wants.

I want to be more giving in my relationship, but I don’t know how. I want to make my boyfriend feel good, not just happy. Should I stop pussyfooting and make specific offers, or should I ask permission to perform (prospects that make me very nervous)? Or should I approach it from another angle entirely?

-It’s Better To Give Than To Receive

DEAR IT’S BETTER TO GIVE THAN TO RECEIVE:  Over the years, I’ve noticed that there tend to be three types of people who are part of the “all about your pleasure” crew in bed. In one group you have people for whom being giving is, in reality, all about them – their ability to perform, to get you off and generally be given the label of “World’s Greatest Lover” and the attendant plaque and coffee mug. Your pleasure is ultimately secondary to the fact that THEY are the ones giving it to you. In a perverse kind of way, they’re incredibly selfish lovers; it’s all a show and if you don’t do your part they freak the hell out. Any deviation from the pre-determined routine is abhorrent and GOD HELP YOU if you need something to get off that’s not part of their usual repertoire. Or worse, a sex-toy.

Then you have the second group: people who’re GGG as the DNL celebrity Patronus Dan Savage calls it – good in bed, giving of pleasure and game for anything within reason. These people are the ones who’re genuinely good lovers, for whom sex is about mutual pleasure and enjoyment. They focus on their partners because hey, who doesn’t like it when their partner’s having a good time too? They’re the ones who get that not all sex needs to be orgasm-focused and are willing to experiment with toys, kink, role-play or whatever because hey, why not?

Then you’ve got the third group: the ones who’re compensating for something. Now, this doesn’t mean that they have a deep dark secret that they’re desperately trying to hide, it’s just that there’s some aspect about themselves that they’re insecure about. Perhaps they feel they have a small penis or they’re worried about differences in sexual experience between them and their partners and are afraid of not matching up to previous lovers. Or – in the case of your boyfriend – they have the occasional bout of performance anxiety and their junk doesn’t want to do its job when it’s supposed to. It could be that it’s easier for him to just go down on you and use the parts that are guaranteed to always work – his hands, his tongue, etc – than risk his cock not rising to the occasion, and he’s less enthused about getting pleasured because he’s worried that things won’t work as needed.

It’s also possible that he’s asexual – he’ll perform for you because he cares for you and likes making you happy but doesn’t necessarily want or need anything for himself; the pleasure you’re getting from it is what he enjoys.

All that being said, I have a sneaking suspicion that your boyfriend as a smidge of the “Madonna-Whore” complex going on.

Don’t get me wrong: I’m not saying that your boyfriend is a bad guy or has weird sexual hang-ups and double-standards. I think what he may be having is a case of feeling like a bit of a perv or a corrupting influence because you were so sexually inexperienced when the two of you got together. I suspect that, in his mind, he’s rationalized things that it’s ok if he’s giving you pleasure but he feels a little weird or like a bad person if you return the favor. Giving head – well that’s just a noble thing to do! He’s helping you explore your newfound sexuality! GETTING head… well that’s just selfish, innit? Maybe he feels like asking you to do things would be taking advantage of you – never mind the fact that he’s been inside of you like he’s trying to unlock the Temple of Doom.

But hey, I could be wrong.

Regardless, what you need to do is what I’m telling people to do all the time: use your words. The sitting on the couch nervously hoping someone will say something is cute and all but it’s kind of silly at this point in your relationship. There’s literally no reason for either of you to be nervous. You’ve been sexually active already, repeatedly, and it’s hardly a surprise at this point that the two of you like sex. I mean, once someone’s basically given you an all-over tongue bath and been giving the ol’ come-hither, you’ve been pretty goddamned intimate. Moreover, you’re not asking for anything terribly exotic – it’s hardly like you want to dress him up like a centaur and take him for walkies while three Lithuanian sex-dwarfs take turns rubbing their genitals on his head. You want to just want to give him oral sex – one of the most basic sex-acts out there!

You need to be an advocate for your own pleasure – even when your pleasure is wanting to give HIM pleasure. Pussyfooting around and hinting at things clearly isn’t doing the job, so you need to just straight up tell him what you want to do! He wants to make you happy? Then don’t couch it in terms of “I want to make you happy”, tell him you want to climb him like a tree or bang like a screen door in a hurricane. Don’t just wait for him to make the first move because, clearly if you do you’re both going to be waiting all night. Instead take matters into your own hands and take them into your own hands.

Don’t let the fact that you’ve never done this before scare you. Everyone starts off as a beginner and the only way we learn is through practice. Fortunately, you have someone who’s proven to be a caring, sensitive, patient and giving lover – people like that are always the best teachers. Tell him that you want feedback, what feels good, what doesn’t and what you should do more of – communication is important after all and that includes when you’re having sex. Make it clear to him that this is something you want.

And if he hesitates or still says that there’s nothing he wants… well, then you should have a conversation about that. Part of emotional intimacy is feeling comfortable and secure enough to talk about your desires – or even lack thereof. Don’t treat it as an emergency relationship-repair session, just wanting to understand where he’s coming from and what’s going on between his ears when you’re between the sheets. The ultimate secret to amazing sex is communication after all – and if you’re not communicating, you’re both cutting yourselves off from potential sources of pleasure.

Use your words and open up those lines of communication, IBTGTTR and you’ll find that your already amazing sex will become mind blowing.

Good luck. 

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 23 year old man, whom has suffered chronic general and social anxiety, three bouts of major depression, and years of constant bullying. I also have some (okay, lots) of issues with perfectionism and negative self talk, though I’m actively working on those. But for all that, I made good grades, earned scholarships, and just graduated with my bachelor’s degree.

The last eight months have been some of the happiest of my life, even during what was the most stressful year of my college career. Why? After years of rejection, bitterness, more rejection, self loathing, and finally despair, I found a girl. Rather, she found me, on a site I had given up on. We started talking, and we have so much in common. We understand each other’s humor, and also each other’s baggage. It’s even been worth going long distance, though we really only get to see each other about every two weeks, since she still has several years of higher ed ahead of her. But we also talk extensively every single day.

Our relationship, has, admittedly, moved at a frankly glacial pace compared to everyone else; I’m not complaining, just saying how it is. We didn’t have our first kiss until… I don’t know, our ninth date? Anyway, literally every single thing, every step that we take, is a first for both of us. I had never gotten a second date with anyone before her, much less kissed a girl. I really like her, maybe even am starting to love her, but I’m feeling dissatisfied with our level of intimacy, and also feeling ashamed for feeling dissatisfied. We’ve had a grand total of six kisses, and I’m always really conscious of her feelings and ask first, and always accept no as an answer, even if it smarts. Though not nearly as much as it does when she seems to hesitate before answering, which is really confusing as well as painful. It makes me worry she’s only agreeing because she thinks it will keep me happy. I feel dirty, greedy, selfish, because I really want to spend more time kissing her, even though I really love our conversations. But if something doesn’t change… I don’t know. I feel unwanted, undesirable, and… yeah.

The worst part is, when I try to voice the subject, I literally croak (seriously, it feels like my whole throat closes up), and I can’t get out a single word. Because I’m terrified that this amazing girl will think I’m only after one thing and she, the happiest thing in my life, will leave. And numbers or no numbers, I don’t like my odds of meeting someone else before I’m in my 30s.

I have zero expectations of her, but my desires keep getting louder in my head. And I’m trying very hard not to be disgruntled that just last week, she asked me down for the weekend to help housesit for her parents, and that in two whole days, we didn’t kiss until I was getting in the car to leave. That bugs me WAY more than sleeping in completely separate rooms. I’m not trying to suggest, ask, much less push for too high a degree of intimacy. And of course, I still feel guilty that this bugs me in the first place. The only comfort is that she admits that she “really, really, really” likes me, and that she’s sorry “if it doesn’t always seem like that” because she “sucks at showing emotion and super f

king awkward at expressing affection”.

I guess what I’m asking is, how do I keep from clamming up long enough to talk about these things?

So, yeah, this is all one tangled up mess of emotions on my part, that I have zero baseline for. I’m in the Pacific without a paddle, and any advice you have to offer on any of this would be great, because I’m clueless.

Thanks, 

Molasses In January

DEAR MOLASSES IN JANUARY: Let’s roll this one from the top, MIJ: there is absolutely, positively nothing wrong with wanting physical intimacy. That desire is 100% valid and legitimate. You’re not being greedy or perverted or selfish or disgusting because you want to make out with someone you’re attracted to. You’re a human with a sex drive and you want your romantic relationship to have a sexual component as well. And honestly, sexual satisfaction is an important part of any romantic relationship.

If one partner’s needs aren’t being met – or if their needs are being overridden by their partner’s, for that matter – then that relationship is going to fall apart pretty damn quickly.

So the fact that you’re frustrated and wanting more is completely understandable and completely legit.

But unless your girlfriend is secretly Jean Grey or Betsy Braddock, she has literally no way of knowing that you feel this way. And since you aren’t David Haller or Charles Xavier, you don’t really know how she’s feeling either. For all you know, you’re both sitting there wishing that the other would freaking say something about the physical side of your relationship.

Since neither of you are telepaths, the only way this is going to change is if one of you actually opens your mouth and make the words fall out. And since somebody’s gotta be the first person to start the conversation, it may as well be you.

Now I get it: trying to express a need, especially when you’re worried that you don’t have the right to feel this way, can be intimidating. You’re understandably worried that if you draw attention to the problem, then your entire relationship is going to explode. But by the same token, nothing is going to change, either.

Here’s what you need to do MIJ. You need to have The Awkward Conversation, in all it’s glory. This means that you need to go into it knowing that this is going to be awkward, acknowledging the awkward and pushing through the awkward. Here’s how it works:

First, you need to schedule the talk with your girlfriend. This is important because you need to block out time to actually hash this out when you won’t be interrupted or have to rush things. Start with saying “hey, I really want to talk about our relationship and where it’s going. Nothing’s wrong, I just want to check in with you about things. Can we get together on $DATE at $TIME and talk?”

Next, you want to lay things out in order:

1) Acknowledge that this is going to be a little awkward for you because you’re nervous to bring this up and you may need a little time to get through it.

2) Tell her why you’re nervous – you are feeling awkward about bringing this up because you’re worried that she’s going to judge you, be upset, think that you only want sex… whatever the exact fear is that’s keeping you from just saying whatever it is you need to say.

3) Explain how you feel; in this case, that you love this relationship with her but you feel like there’s a physical component that’s missing. You want to be respectful of her boundaries and limits, but you also want more than you’re currently doing. Make sure that you explain it in terms of why this is important to you and how you’re feeling. Be sure to frame it as how you feel, not how she makes you feel. This is your issue, not hers.

4) Explain what you’d like to be different – in this case, being more physically intimate.

5) Explain how you feel this would improve things.

6) Say “… and how about you?”

Now step back and listen to what she has to say. Give her the same space and courtesy that she’s just given you and let her share her side of things. This will likely be as awkward for her as it was for you, so be patient and let her wrestle through it without judgement.

Once you both have your cards on the table, now you’re able to find a way to move forward. This may involve some compromise or patience, or it may be that she feels exactly the same way you do and didn’t know how to express it. You may work out a way to express your affection with one another more easily, you may find yourselves having to have a couple more conversations… or you may just end up leaping on each other.

But nothing can change until you communicate with one another. So sit down, grit your teeth and use your words. The Awkward Conversation may be uncomfortable, but if you can muscle your way through to the other side, your relationship will be stronger and better for it.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I would first like to thank you for creating a blog which helps men navigate the dating world in such a non-toxic and positive way. Your advice regarding nutrition, dress, and internal validation has helped transform me from a 22 year old virgin into someone with a stable sex life.

However, lately I’ve been “falling off the wagon” in regards to my self esteem: my most recent causal encounter started off ok but on the way back home and during pillow talk she kept asking me about 20 questions regarding what I thought of her. These ranged from “Why would a white guy find a black woman attractive?” (which she said she was just seeing if I had a weird fetish) to “What made you think you had a chance?” (She was talking to a very drunk burly guy and thin scrawny me happened to peak her interest). She was legit grilling me so I flipped it on her asking “Hey wait, don’t you believe you deserve a guy like me?” and she flat it answered “not really.”

Under normal circumstances a guy would be infatuated by that, but to me, I thought to myself  “So wait, you would’ve just went home with anyone simply because they acknowledged you?! Not for personal fun, but status?!”

My only previous partner was a Russian girl whom I’ve spent a wonderful 3 months with before she decided to call it quits. She believed she was “asexual unless she’d had a beer” due to nervousness (which I believe given her previous statements about how she was feeling) and we’re still friends.

But sometimes, I get second thoughts like “Oh woohoo, I only bring home desperate women,” “Girl #1 was only having a confused identity crisis” or “Self esteem? More like self-delusion!” I find that these thoughts are an absolute anathema to everything I’ve worked to achieve lately, yet, they’re here and are giving me a hard time.

My wingwoman reassures me that this isn’t the case, and 90% of the time I stay positive, but I believe that the disgusting humans-can-be-ranked ideology that my most recent partner had expressed somehow managed to rub off on me and is making me second guess my self-worth, even after I went through so much to accomplish unconditional self-love.

With this in mind, how would a newbie cope with such a situation?

If it’s relevant, I was also diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome, which makes it difficult to read certain social cues.

Patient Zero

DEAR PATIENT ZERO:  First of all, PZ, I want to say congratulations! You’ve made some serious progress and you should absolutely be proud of how far you’ve come. You’ve developed some skills and confidence and that’s awesome… which is why it’s a shame that you’re letting your own doubt bring you down.

Here’s what’s going on, PZ: she’s trying to reassure herself that you actually like her. Her low self-esteem has convinced her that she’s undesirable and that the only reason why a guy would go for her is because either he has a race fetish or because he thought she was beneath him and an easy score. Then this cool guy rolls in, apparently not even intimidated by the drunk burly dude talking to her and makes his interest known? She’s got that voice in the back of her head saying “It’s a trap!”

She’s not saying that she’d’ve gone home with anyone, she’s trying to figure out why a guy as together and awesome as you was into her. That’s not someone desperate, that’s someone who thinks you’re awesome and has a hard time believing you’d think she was awesome too.

Sometimes you just have to accept that hey, maybe you’ve got it going on, even if your own jerk-brain is telling you otherwise. Stop letting other people’s self-doubt throw you, PZ; it’s not that they’re desperate, it’s that they recognize your value but can’t find their own. That’s all.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)