DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I met this girl and we have something special, anyway she has a dark past, for like a year she wasn’t thinking and had friends with benefits and dated women and once a threesome with 2 guys.

I was in shock! Now I didn’t expect her to be a virgin or anything but these things are huge, it just destroyed me!!

She said that she feels sorry and guilty and hurt that she hurt me, but said its not wrong to her to do these stuff and doesn’t regret it. I talked to her again and told her what she did is disgusting, wrong, and slutty! And she agreed this time! Before she said its not a mistake for her.

She said that she wasn’t thinking back then and had no self respect and that she was just a piece of meat and now she changed and want a normal life and said she tried these things for experience and didn’t like them.

Now what hurts me more is that I asked her “would you do it again knowing you were gonna meet a guy like me and knowing that it would end our relationship?” and she said yes because these things made her a better person (I don’t know how!!) and made her know what she really wants. Like according to her that she was rude at her old work with people and now she’s in a very good good position and said “I don’t regret that because it made me reach this position,” like she doesn’t regret her sexual history, even the THREESOME!

Now every day I wake up first thing in my head is her with two dudes!

I need your advice, I need your help!

Blinding My Minds Eye

DEAR BLINDING MY MIND’S EYE:

Wait. Didn’t I see this movie back when it was called Chasing Amy?

Ok, BMME, I get that you’re freaking out. I get that you’ve basically been hit with things outside of your comfort zone and you’re not entirely sure how to handle this. So it’s understandable that you’re having the human equivalent of the Blue Screen of Death.

But with that being said, it’s time for you to meet my friend the Chair Leg of Truth.

Congratulations. You’ve managed to be an absolutely mind-blowing idiot and are driving off someone you ostensibly care for.

I’m not telling you that you’re bad for being shocked. Clearly you’re not as experienced as she is and some things are going to be outside of your usual day-to-day existence. That’s just life. Not everybody is going to be incredibly cosmopolitan or used to dealing with other people’s sexual escapades. Nor, for that matter are those escapades for everyone. Some people are adventurous like that. Others are not. That’s cool; different strokes for different folks and all.

I AM, however, calling you a slut-shaming jackass for the way you REACTED to it. Telling her you need to take some time to process things and you’re unused to the idea is one thing. Telling her that she’s dirty and slutty and wrong, on the other hand, is shoving your head up your own ass and complaining about the smell.

The problem isn’t that she’s had sex or how much sex she’s had, it’s the fact that you’re not able to handle it and you’re blaming HER for the insecurities YOU have bubbling up.

Huge? Having slept with people is huge? No, having a criminal record of assault and battery is huge, this is just “having a dating history”. A dark past? What in the pluperfect Hell? Being sexually adventurous is not a dark past. She had casual sex! She experimented with bisexuality! She had a threesome! WOAH SHE’S LIVING LIFE ON THE EDGE.

BMME, this is some straight-up Madonna-Whore complex crap. Because, let’s be honest, if one of your bros were telling you about the threesomes he’d had and the random hook-ups he was pulling, you’d be alternating between seething with jealousy and delivering all the high-fives. But hey, when a woman does that oh lord there must be something wrong with her how could she degrade herself like that?

Yeah no. I call BS on that action.

Here’s what we really have: We have someone who’s very secure in herself, sexually. She’s curious, even a little adventurous and tries some things out just to see if they’re her thing or not. Turns out, enh, some of it probably isn’t for her but clearly she doesn’t regret the experiences. And then she meets someone. Someone she thinks could be cool. Someone she feels comfortable opening up to. And when she does, he explodes, messily and all over the place. He calls her a slut and a whore and tells her that she’s disgusting and demands to know how she could possibly do these things.

Someone who, I might point out, she has only known for a month.

Now she feels like she needs to backpedal and justify things that don’t need to be justified and she’s trying to explain, but this dude is making it all about him and how he can’t stop picturing everything she did with those other guys and how could she do this to him?

Why, exactly, should she be with this jackass again?

And here’s the part that I know you haven’t figured out, my dude: NOTHING has actually changed. She is exactly the same person you were totally cool with her until she (unwisely) trusted you enough to open up a little and share her sexual history with you. We are all the sum of our experiences and choices; every single thing we’ve ever seen, done or experienced led us to becoming the people we are right now.  Those experiences that you’re insulting her over, calling her dirty and slutty and wrong? Those experiences are what helped her become the woman she is today. You know… the woman you claim you had something special with. The woman you claim you care(d) about. The woman, who, had you been a decent enough guy, might have had some amazing sexual adventures with you.

But you couldn’t handle it. So you lose out.

Here’s a free clue for you: her sexual history has sweet f

k-all to do with you. That’s her life and her history and it has nothing to do with you or your judgement. She didn’t have casual sex AT you. She didn’t experiment with bisexuality in order to get a rise out of you. I’m sorry you’re having a hard time with imagining your girlfriend’s past, but let’s not pretend that you haven’t gone searching for all of that on PornHub. Let he with two free hands cast the first stone.

My advice? Break up with her. Not because she did anything wrong – she didn’t. No, you need to break up with her because frankly, she deserves better than to be with someone who’s going to verbally abuse her and call her a whore because he can’t handle the idea of a woman having a sexual history.

Grow up, learn to quit treating sex like something to be ashamed of and maybe you’ll be ready to date again.

Maybe.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am a twenty-year-old girl currently dating a twenty-seven-year-old guy. We’ve been together for six months now, and our relationship has been sexual for a few months. It’s been great, but I wouldn’t be writing if things were perfect.

Before this relationship, I was extra virgin. No intercourse or other partnered sexual activity, no kissing, no cuddling, nothing. Everything is new and exciting, and my “introduction” has been great. My boyfriend can read me perfectly. He recognizes when something feels good and does it, even if it seems silly. He delights in my pleasure.

Here’s the problem. When we’re together, everything is very much about me. My pleasure. My satisfaction. My climax. When I’m done, that’s it, unless I indicate I want to go for round n+1. In many ways, I suppose it’s a reversal of the “usual” problem.

I want to be a more giving partner but I’m very shy and timid, and I have no experience in this regard at all. I’ve tried my hand at manual stimulation, but he’ll often position himself in such a way that I can’t actually get a hand on things, such as by pressing against me. Neither of us has performed oral on the other and we’ve had sex exactly twice. Both times went very well, but he suffers from performance anxiety (he can get it up, until we want to do something with it). He’s very good at rolling with it, and can adjust with barely a hiccup, but I do wish I knew what to do to help him relax. I’ve done everything I know of to reassure him that I’m not frustrated or disappointed or mad or judging him or whatever, but usually I just ignore it. I don’t know if that’s the best way to address it, but it feels better than pointing it out unless he does.

I really care for this guy, enough so that I feel game for just about anything. Even “weird” stuff, if it was what he wanted. I’ve told him, multiple times, that if there’s anything he wants he can tell me. He always says he’s happy, and I do believe him. At the same time, I feel selfish. I want to make HIM feel good, in any way I can, not just take my own pleasure.

When it comes to doing something for the first time, I usually wait for him to guide me into it. I’m not very proactive, partly because I don’t know if any given action would be something he wants. I’m nervous about making specific offers because I don’t know what I’m doing, but I think that’s part of the problem. He’s timid too, so we both tend to sit around wanting something without saying it (neither of us gets resentful, though. We know we should just say it already; we’re just nervous). Recently, when I asked if he wanted me to do anything, he instead asked if there was anything *I* wanted to do. I was too shy to tell him I wanted to try giving him head. Besides, though I appreciate his concern for what I want, I want to know what HE wants.

I want to be more giving in my relationship, but I don’t know how. I want to make my boyfriend feel good, not just happy. Should I stop pussyfooting and make specific offers, or should I ask permission to perform (prospects that make me very nervous)? Or should I approach it from another angle entirely?

-It’s Better To Give Than To Receive

DEAR IT’S BETTER TO GIVE THAN TO RECEIVE:  Over the years, I’ve noticed that there tend to be three types of people who are part of the “all about your pleasure” crew in bed. In one group you have people for whom being giving is, in reality, all about them – their ability to perform, to get you off and generally be given the label of “World’s Greatest Lover” and the attendant plaque and coffee mug. Your pleasure is ultimately secondary to the fact that THEY are the ones giving it to you. In a perverse kind of way, they’re incredibly selfish lovers; it’s all a show and if you don’t do your part they freak the hell out. Any deviation from the pre-determined routine is abhorrent and GOD HELP YOU if you need something to get off that’s not part of their usual repertoire. Or worse, a sex-toy.

Then you have the second group: people who’re GGG as the DNL celebrity Patronus Dan Savage calls it – good in bed, giving of pleasure and game for anything within reason. These people are the ones who’re genuinely good lovers, for whom sex is about mutual pleasure and enjoyment. They focus on their partners because hey, who doesn’t like it when their partner’s having a good time too? They’re the ones who get that not all sex needs to be orgasm-focused and are willing to experiment with toys, kink, role-play or whatever because hey, why not?

Then you’ve got the third group: the ones who’re compensating for something. Now, this doesn’t mean that they have a deep dark secret that they’re desperately trying to hide, it’s just that there’s some aspect about themselves that they’re insecure about. Perhaps they feel they have a small penis or they’re worried about differences in sexual experience between them and their partners and are afraid of not matching up to previous lovers. Or – in the case of your boyfriend – they have the occasional bout of performance anxiety and their junk doesn’t want to do its job when it’s supposed to. It could be that it’s easier for him to just go down on you and use the parts that are guaranteed to always work – his hands, his tongue, etc – than risk his cock not rising to the occasion, and he’s less enthused about getting pleasured because he’s worried that things won’t work as needed.

It’s also possible that he’s asexual – he’ll perform for you because he cares for you and likes making you happy but doesn’t necessarily want or need anything for himself; the pleasure you’re getting from it is what he enjoys.

All that being said, I have a sneaking suspicion that your boyfriend as a smidge of the “Madonna-Whore” complex going on.

Don’t get me wrong: I’m not saying that your boyfriend is a bad guy or has weird sexual hang-ups and double-standards. I think what he may be having is a case of feeling like a bit of a perv or a corrupting influence because you were so sexually inexperienced when the two of you got together. I suspect that, in his mind, he’s rationalized things that it’s ok if he’s giving you pleasure but he feels a little weird or like a bad person if you return the favor. Giving head – well that’s just a noble thing to do! He’s helping you explore your newfound sexuality! GETTING head… well that’s just selfish, innit? Maybe he feels like asking you to do things would be taking advantage of you – never mind the fact that he’s been inside of you like he’s trying to unlock the Temple of Doom.

But hey, I could be wrong.

Regardless, what you need to do is what I’m telling people to do all the time: use your words. The sitting on the couch nervously hoping someone will say something is cute and all but it’s kind of silly at this point in your relationship. There’s literally no reason for either of you to be nervous. You’ve been sexually active already, repeatedly, and it’s hardly a surprise at this point that the two of you like sex. I mean, once someone’s basically given you an all-over tongue bath and been giving the ol’ come-hither, you’ve been pretty goddamned intimate. Moreover, you’re not asking for anything terribly exotic – it’s hardly like you want to dress him up like a centaur and take him for walkies while three Lithuanian sex-dwarfs take turns rubbing their genitals on his head. You want to just want to give him oral sex – one of the most basic sex-acts out there!

You need to be an advocate for your own pleasure – even when your pleasure is wanting to give HIM pleasure. Pussyfooting around and hinting at things clearly isn’t doing the job, so you need to just straight up tell him what you want to do! He wants to make you happy? Then don’t couch it in terms of “I want to make you happy”, tell him you want to climb him like a tree or bang like a screen door in a hurricane. Don’t just wait for him to make the first move because, clearly if you do you’re both going to be waiting all night. Instead take matters into your own hands and take them into your own hands.

Don’t let the fact that you’ve never done this before scare you. Everyone starts off as a beginner and the only way we learn is through practice. Fortunately, you have someone who’s proven to be a caring, sensitive, patient and giving lover – people like that are always the best teachers. Tell him that you want feedback, what feels good, what doesn’t and what you should do more of – communication is important after all and that includes when you’re having sex. Make it clear to him that this is something you want.

And if he hesitates or still says that there’s nothing he wants… well, then you should have a conversation about that. Part of emotional intimacy is feeling comfortable and secure enough to talk about your desires – or even lack thereof. Don’t treat it as an emergency relationship-repair session, just wanting to understand where he’s coming from and what’s going on between his ears when you’re between the sheets. The ultimate secret to amazing sex is communication after all – and if you’re not communicating, you’re both cutting yourselves off from potential sources of pleasure.

Use your words and open up those lines of communication, IBTGTTR and you’ll find that your already amazing sex will become mind blowing.

Good luck. 

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 23 year old man, whom has suffered chronic general and social anxiety, three bouts of major depression, and years of constant bullying. I also have some (okay, lots) of issues with perfectionism and negative self talk, though I’m actively working on those. But for all that, I made good grades, earned scholarships, and just graduated with my bachelor’s degree.

The last eight months have been some of the happiest of my life, even during what was the most stressful year of my college career. Why? After years of rejection, bitterness, more rejection, self loathing, and finally despair, I found a girl. Rather, she found me, on a site I had given up on. We started talking, and we have so much in common. We understand each other’s humor, and also each other’s baggage. It’s even been worth going long distance, though we really only get to see each other about every two weeks, since she still has several years of higher ed ahead of her. But we also talk extensively every single day.

Our relationship, has, admittedly, moved at a frankly glacial pace compared to everyone else; I’m not complaining, just saying how it is. We didn’t have our first kiss until… I don’t know, our ninth date? Anyway, literally every single thing, every step that we take, is a first for both of us. I had never gotten a second date with anyone before her, much less kissed a girl. I really like her, maybe even am starting to love her, but I’m feeling dissatisfied with our level of intimacy, and also feeling ashamed for feeling dissatisfied. We’ve had a grand total of six kisses, and I’m always really conscious of her feelings and ask first, and always accept no as an answer, even if it smarts. Though not nearly as much as it does when she seems to hesitate before answering, which is really confusing as well as painful. It makes me worry she’s only agreeing because she thinks it will keep me happy. I feel dirty, greedy, selfish, because I really want to spend more time kissing her, even though I really love our conversations. But if something doesn’t change… I don’t know. I feel unwanted, undesirable, and… yeah.

The worst part is, when I try to voice the subject, I literally croak (seriously, it feels like my whole throat closes up), and I can’t get out a single word. Because I’m terrified that this amazing girl will think I’m only after one thing and she, the happiest thing in my life, will leave. And numbers or no numbers, I don’t like my odds of meeting someone else before I’m in my 30s.

I have zero expectations of her, but my desires keep getting louder in my head. And I’m trying very hard not to be disgruntled that just last week, she asked me down for the weekend to help housesit for her parents, and that in two whole days, we didn’t kiss until I was getting in the car to leave. That bugs me WAY more than sleeping in completely separate rooms. I’m not trying to suggest, ask, much less push for too high a degree of intimacy. And of course, I still feel guilty that this bugs me in the first place. The only comfort is that she admits that she “really, really, really” likes me, and that she’s sorry “if it doesn’t always seem like that” because she “sucks at showing emotion and super f

king awkward at expressing affection”.

I guess what I’m asking is, how do I keep from clamming up long enough to talk about these things?

So, yeah, this is all one tangled up mess of emotions on my part, that I have zero baseline for. I’m in the Pacific without a paddle, and any advice you have to offer on any of this would be great, because I’m clueless.

Thanks, 

Molasses In January

DEAR MOLASSES IN JANUARY: Let’s roll this one from the top, MIJ: there is absolutely, positively nothing wrong with wanting physical intimacy. That desire is 100% valid and legitimate. You’re not being greedy or perverted or selfish or disgusting because you want to make out with someone you’re attracted to. You’re a human with a sex drive and you want your romantic relationship to have a sexual component as well. And honestly, sexual satisfaction is an important part of any romantic relationship.

If one partner’s needs aren’t being met – or if their needs are being overridden by their partner’s, for that matter – then that relationship is going to fall apart pretty damn quickly.

So the fact that you’re frustrated and wanting more is completely understandable and completely legit.

But unless your girlfriend is secretly Jean Grey or Betsy Braddock, she has literally no way of knowing that you feel this way. And since you aren’t David Haller or Charles Xavier, you don’t really know how she’s feeling either. For all you know, you’re both sitting there wishing that the other would freaking say something about the physical side of your relationship.

Since neither of you are telepaths, the only way this is going to change is if one of you actually opens your mouth and make the words fall out. And since somebody’s gotta be the first person to start the conversation, it may as well be you.

Now I get it: trying to express a need, especially when you’re worried that you don’t have the right to feel this way, can be intimidating. You’re understandably worried that if you draw attention to the problem, then your entire relationship is going to explode. But by the same token, nothing is going to change, either.

Here’s what you need to do MIJ. You need to have The Awkward Conversation, in all it’s glory. This means that you need to go into it knowing that this is going to be awkward, acknowledging the awkward and pushing through the awkward. Here’s how it works:

First, you need to schedule the talk with your girlfriend. This is important because you need to block out time to actually hash this out when you won’t be interrupted or have to rush things. Start with saying “hey, I really want to talk about our relationship and where it’s going. Nothing’s wrong, I just want to check in with you about things. Can we get together on $DATE at $TIME and talk?”

Next, you want to lay things out in order:

1) Acknowledge that this is going to be a little awkward for you because you’re nervous to bring this up and you may need a little time to get through it.

2) Tell her why you’re nervous – you are feeling awkward about bringing this up because you’re worried that she’s going to judge you, be upset, think that you only want sex… whatever the exact fear is that’s keeping you from just saying whatever it is you need to say.

3) Explain how you feel; in this case, that you love this relationship with her but you feel like there’s a physical component that’s missing. You want to be respectful of her boundaries and limits, but you also want more than you’re currently doing. Make sure that you explain it in terms of why this is important to you and how you’re feeling. Be sure to frame it as how you feel, not how she makes you feel. This is your issue, not hers.

4) Explain what you’d like to be different – in this case, being more physically intimate.

5) Explain how you feel this would improve things.

6) Say “… and how about you?”

Now step back and listen to what she has to say. Give her the same space and courtesy that she’s just given you and let her share her side of things. This will likely be as awkward for her as it was for you, so be patient and let her wrestle through it without judgement.

Once you both have your cards on the table, now you’re able to find a way to move forward. This may involve some compromise or patience, or it may be that she feels exactly the same way you do and didn’t know how to express it. You may work out a way to express your affection with one another more easily, you may find yourselves having to have a couple more conversations… or you may just end up leaping on each other.

But nothing can change until you communicate with one another. So sit down, grit your teeth and use your words. The Awkward Conversation may be uncomfortable, but if you can muscle your way through to the other side, your relationship will be stronger and better for it.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I would first like to thank you for creating a blog which helps men navigate the dating world in such a non-toxic and positive way. Your advice regarding nutrition, dress, and internal validation has helped transform me from a 22 year old virgin into someone with a stable sex life.

However, lately I’ve been “falling off the wagon” in regards to my self esteem: my most recent causal encounter started off ok but on the way back home and during pillow talk she kept asking me about 20 questions regarding what I thought of her. These ranged from “Why would a white guy find a black woman attractive?” (which she said she was just seeing if I had a weird fetish) to “What made you think you had a chance?” (She was talking to a very drunk burly guy and thin scrawny me happened to peak her interest). She was legit grilling me so I flipped it on her asking “Hey wait, don’t you believe you deserve a guy like me?” and she flat it answered “not really.”

Under normal circumstances a guy would be infatuated by that, but to me, I thought to myself  “So wait, you would’ve just went home with anyone simply because they acknowledged you?! Not for personal fun, but status?!”

My only previous partner was a Russian girl whom I’ve spent a wonderful 3 months with before she decided to call it quits. She believed she was “asexual unless she’d had a beer” due to nervousness (which I believe given her previous statements about how she was feeling) and we’re still friends.

But sometimes, I get second thoughts like “Oh woohoo, I only bring home desperate women,” “Girl #1 was only having a confused identity crisis” or “Self esteem? More like self-delusion!” I find that these thoughts are an absolute anathema to everything I’ve worked to achieve lately, yet, they’re here and are giving me a hard time.

My wingwoman reassures me that this isn’t the case, and 90% of the time I stay positive, but I believe that the disgusting humans-can-be-ranked ideology that my most recent partner had expressed somehow managed to rub off on me and is making me second guess my self-worth, even after I went through so much to accomplish unconditional self-love.

With this in mind, how would a newbie cope with such a situation?

If it’s relevant, I was also diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome, which makes it difficult to read certain social cues.

Patient Zero

DEAR PATIENT ZERO:  First of all, PZ, I want to say congratulations! You’ve made some serious progress and you should absolutely be proud of how far you’ve come. You’ve developed some skills and confidence and that’s awesome… which is why it’s a shame that you’re letting your own doubt bring you down.

Here’s what’s going on, PZ: she’s trying to reassure herself that you actually like her. Her low self-esteem has convinced her that she’s undesirable and that the only reason why a guy would go for her is because either he has a race fetish or because he thought she was beneath him and an easy score. Then this cool guy rolls in, apparently not even intimidated by the drunk burly dude talking to her and makes his interest known? She’s got that voice in the back of her head saying “It’s a trap!”

She’s not saying that she’d’ve gone home with anyone, she’s trying to figure out why a guy as together and awesome as you was into her. That’s not someone desperate, that’s someone who thinks you’re awesome and has a hard time believing you’d think she was awesome too.

Sometimes you just have to accept that hey, maybe you’ve got it going on, even if your own jerk-brain is telling you otherwise. Stop letting other people’s self-doubt throw you, PZ; it’s not that they’re desperate, it’s that they recognize your value but can’t find their own. That’s all.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Due to some mental and physical health reasons I moved from my home to San Francisco where I am currently attending college. I have had little to no success with dating outside of a relationship I was in through OkCupid that ended about a year ago. I also used to do approaches at my old school with some friends of mine and we had some minor successes.

I saw your video on when and when not to flirt and I found it both informative and troubling. When I did used to do approaches I would almost exclusively do it at school, but since you said that doing that is normally seen as rude or bothersome I have been hesitant to try it here. The thing is when I’m at school is the only time I am around women on a daily basis. I can only go to bars once every two weeks or so because of my poor college kid financial situation. This has been taking a toll on my mental state in terms of provoking feelings of depression and self-hatred when I see a girl I find particularly attractive. I feel powerless and alone.

TL;DR: I wanna approach girls, because it feels like it’s the only thing I am doing that might work, and everything else I’ve been doing doesn’t. It is making me unhealthily sad. Please help.

Go, No-Go

DEAR GO, NO GO: It’s not that there are very specific places where you can meet women and these are the ONLY times that you can approach them, it’s that you should understand the context that controls social expectations and respond accordingly. Certain bars, for example, are explicitly set up for people to meet and hook up. Because flirting with strangers is considered to be part of the point of being there, it’s acceptable to go to these locations and approach many women over the course of an evening.

On the other hand, trying to hit on someone on the bus, subway or other form of mass transit is a bad idea; most people are just trying to get through their commute without being bothered. 

This doesn’t mean that it can’t be done. People HAVE gotten dates from someone they’ve met on the subway or on the bus or on a plane. However, it requires extremely strong social calibration, a great deal of experience and a careful sensitivity to the other person’s interest and comfort level. This isn’t even for someone with varsity level social skills, it’s for someone with pro-level skills.

But there are also liminal spaces out there, spaces that aren’t explicitly for meeting and mating but are still social. Classes, for example, are one of those spaces. College is an explicitly social space; you don’t just go to your lectures and then go home, careful to never say a word or make eye-contact with your fellow undergrads. It’s expected that you’re going to talk to your classmates and fellow students. In fact, college is one of the last times when socializing and making new friends will be as simple and effortless. However, this requires a different approach than when you’re meeting people at a single’s bar. You don’t want to be the guy who glides through school like a horny shark. While you can flirt with many, many women over the course of an evening at a bar, doing the same on campus is going to be weird – especially if it’s a small school.

So by all means, feel free to strike up a conversation with someone attractive that you see on campus. This is an expected part of the college experience. Just don’t treat it like you’re at the club. You can’t be as aggressive — especially physically or sexually aggressive – as you could be at the bar, nor should you have the same energy level. Take it down a notch or two and start with a conversation and see how things go. If the two of you click off the bat, then by all means, see about a brief date, even an instant date to get coffee or something. If there’s some chemistry there but not quite enough for an immediate “hey, do you want to go get coffee?”, then let it build over a couple of days or weeks before you ask someone out on an explicit date. And it should be a date; not to “hang out”, not to “get together”, but an unmistakable date.

Just, for the love of God, don’t be like the would-be PUAs who line major thoroughfares like Eaton Center in Toronto that make the act of walking down the street akin to running a gauntlet of aggressive douchebags. The social contract at college doesn’t allow for that.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have this problem. After years of social anxiety, having been called creepy before (and not really knowing why), and reading so many things on the Internet about women complaining about men approaching them and being a nuisance, reading so much about signs that you shouldn’t approach (and next to nothing about signs you should approach), I always just assume now that whenever I see a woman, she doesn’t want me to talk to her or anything, unless I see proof she does want to (and my definition of proof is very, very strict). Even if I’m at a setting where talking to other people is normal. Even if I’m actually acquainted with her or we’re in a group together, and in the latter case, I pretty much only talk if I need to, or if she says something to me first.

So my question is, how do I break out of this mindset?

Not So Strong, Silent Type

DEAR NOT SO STRONG, SILENT TYPE:  the first thing you need to recognize is that women venting about rude, excessively aggressive men isn’t the same thing as them condemning the entire gender. The problem isn’t men, it’s men who don’t understand things like the social context or that a woman who’s got her Murder Face on and is walking like she’s searching for the Holy Grail doesn’t want to be hit on by strangers. If you’re able to recognize “thanks, but no thanks” as the refusal that it is instead of a sign to try harder, then you’re ahead of the curve. The problem here is not recognizing the context of who was saying what, the context of it all and recognizing that some opinions are explicitly more radical than normal society would call for.

The next thing you need to realize is that, as I just said to Go, No-Go, there are places where approaching strangers is accepted as par for the course, places where basic socialization is acceptable and times when it’s just a plain bad idea. Now this doesn’t mean that any social contact is a horrible idea outside of these areas; it just means that you adjust your approach to your circumstances. The social contract varies depending on things like the venue and the time of day. Behavior that’s acceptable at a rowdy bar at 11:30 at night is going to be incongruous at best, disruptive at worst at 11:30 AM at Whole Foods. Similarly, behavior that’s fairly common during the day on a busy street could be seen as being threatening at night when there’re far fewer people around.

Learning to recognize and adapt to the context and circumstances is a big part of developing your social calibration. And to be honest: it’s not that hard. If you can understand that you should be quiet at the library and the movie theater, then you’ve got a fairly solid grasp of how social calibration works.

The next thing is to understand that there are differences in both approaches but also acceptable and unacceptable behavior. Striking up a conversation with someone you don’t know isn’t automatically like cat-calling a stranger in the street, and next to no reasonable people are going to equate the two. The guys who’re following women yelling “yo, you should smile more” and the guys who’re planting themselves in front of women to force them to stop and talk to them are very different from the guy who starts to talk to the person in line in front of them at Starbucks. While there’re certainly folks who feel that talking to them before their coffee is a capital offense, that’s hardly the same as the guys chasing women down Ocean Drive in Miami, trying to get their number.

It’s the difference between the guy who says “hello” to someone on the street and the guy with the clipboard who refuses to take silence and being ignored as an answer.

And then there’s the fact that women will let you know if they’re interested in talking to you. And, contrary to popular belief, these signs really aren’t that subtle. The most common example is what’s known as the “plausibly deniable conversation starter”. If you’ve ever said something loud enough for others to overhear and respond to, then you know exactly what this is: somebody making an observation or statement that’s intended specifically to prompt a conversation. An observational opener – something like “man, this line’s taking forever”- is a classic example of a conversation starter that she can pretend was just muttering out loud if nobody bites.

But even if you’re afraid of starting a conversation in places where conversation and socializing is explicitly permitted, then you may want to consider going to events or meet-ups where conversation isn’t just encouraged, but almost required. Team-based activities – from skee-ball leagues to amateur sports teams to pub quizzes – make socialization necessary. You have to work together as a team, and unless one of you is secretly an omega-level telepath, this requires actually talking to each other. Other events like board game nights at your local game shop or singles mixers are other great places to go where you’re expected to talk and share and mix and mingle with people you haven’t met yet.

And honestly? If you feel that you can’t talk to people you already know, or in explicitly social settings or that talking to people in those settings is going to make people feel weird? Then one of the best things you can do is talk to a counselor. That’s a pretty good indicator that you’ve got some emotional scarring that you need to unpack and work through. It sucks that you got called a creeper, my dude, but if you’re letting one incident through you for that much of a loop – especially if this was in, say, high-school – then you need to learn how to let go of the past and move forward.

At the end of the day, your wanting to be social isn’t a burden on other people. It’s part of how the world works. All you need to do is work within the social context of the situation and just be aware of the other person’s interest and comfort. And believe me: it’s not that hard… especially if you spend some time working on your social calibration.

There’re women out there who would love to talk with you, my dude. You just have to trust yourself enough to open up to them.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)