DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I met this girl and we have something special, anyway she has a dark past, for like a year she wasn’t thinking and had friends with benefits and dated women and once a threesome with 2 guys.
I was in shock! Now I didn’t expect her to be a virgin or anything but these things are huge, it just destroyed me!!
She said that she feels sorry and guilty and hurt that she hurt me, but said its not wrong to her to do these stuff and doesn’t regret it. I talked to her again and told her what she did is disgusting, wrong, and slutty! And she agreed this time! Before she said its not a mistake for her.
She said that she wasn’t thinking back then and had no self respect and that she was just a piece of meat and now she changed and want a normal life and said she tried these things for experience and didn’t like them.
Now what hurts me more is that I asked her “would you do it again knowing you were gonna meet a guy like me and knowing that it would end our relationship?” and she said yes because these things made her a better person (I don’t know how!!) and made her know what she really wants. Like according to her that she was rude at her old work with people and now she’s in a very good good position and said “I don’t regret that because it made me reach this position,” like she doesn’t regret her sexual history, even the THREESOME!
Now every day I wake up first thing in my head is her with two dudes!
I need your advice, I need your help!
Blinding My Minds Eye
DEAR BLINDING MY MIND’S EYE:
Wait. Didn’t I see this movie back when it was called Chasing Amy?
Ok, BMME, I get that you’re freaking out. I get that you’ve basically been hit with things outside of your comfort zone and you’re not entirely sure how to handle this. So it’s understandable that you’re having the human equivalent of the Blue Screen of Death.
But with that being said, it’s time for you to meet my friend the Chair Leg of Truth.
Congratulations. You’ve managed to be an absolutely mind-blowing idiot and are driving off someone you ostensibly care for.
I’m not telling you that you’re bad for being shocked. Clearly you’re not as experienced as she is and some things are going to be outside of your usual day-to-day existence. That’s just life. Not everybody is going to be incredibly cosmopolitan or used to dealing with other people’s sexual escapades. Nor, for that matter are those escapades for everyone. Some people are adventurous like that. Others are not. That’s cool; different strokes for different folks and all.
I AM, however, calling you a slut-shaming jackass for the way you REACTED to it. Telling her you need to take some time to process things and you’re unused to the idea is one thing. Telling her that she’s dirty and slutty and wrong, on the other hand, is shoving your head up your own ass and complaining about the smell.
The problem isn’t that she’s had sex or how much sex she’s had, it’s the fact that you’re not able to handle it and you’re blaming HER for the insecurities YOU have bubbling up.
Huge? Having slept with people is huge? No, having a criminal record of assault and battery is huge, this is just “having a dating history”. A dark past? What in the pluperfect Hell? Being sexually adventurous is not a dark past. She had casual sex! She experimented with bisexuality! She had a threesome! WOAH SHE’S LIVING LIFE ON THE EDGE.
BMME, this is some straight-up Madonna-Whore complex crap. Because, let’s be honest, if one of your bros were telling you about the threesomes he’d had and the random hook-ups he was pulling, you’d be alternating between seething with jealousy and delivering all the high-fives. But hey, when a woman does that oh lord there must be something wrong with her how could she degrade herself like that?
Yeah no. I call BS on that action.
Here’s what we really have: We have someone who’s very secure in herself, sexually. She’s curious, even a little adventurous and tries some things out just to see if they’re her thing or not. Turns out, enh, some of it probably isn’t for her but clearly she doesn’t regret the experiences. And then she meets someone. Someone she thinks could be cool. Someone she feels comfortable opening up to. And when she does, he explodes, messily and all over the place. He calls her a slut and a whore and tells her that she’s disgusting and demands to know how she could possibly do these things.
Someone who, I might point out, she has only known for a month.
Now she feels like she needs to backpedal and justify things that don’t need to be justified and she’s trying to explain, but this dude is making it all about him and how he can’t stop picturing everything she did with those other guys and how could she do this to him?
Why, exactly, should she be with this jackass again?
And here’s the part that I know you haven’t figured out, my dude: NOTHING has actually changed. She is exactly the same person you were totally cool with her until she (unwisely) trusted you enough to open up a little and share her sexual history with you. We are all the sum of our experiences and choices; every single thing we’ve ever seen, done or experienced led us to becoming the people we are right now. Those experiences that you’re insulting her over, calling her dirty and slutty and wrong? Those experiences are what helped her become the woman she is today. You know… the woman you claim you had something special with. The woman you claim you care(d) about. The woman, who, had you been a decent enough guy, might have had some amazing sexual adventures with you.
But you couldn’t handle it. So you lose out.
Here’s a free clue for you: her sexual history has sweet f
k-all to do with you. That’s her life and her history and it has nothing to do with you or your judgement. She didn’t have casual sex AT you. She didn’t experiment with bisexuality in order to get a rise out of you. I’m sorry you’re having a hard time with imagining your girlfriend’s past, but let’s not pretend that you haven’t gone searching for all of that on PornHub. Let he with two free hands cast the first stone.
My advice? Break up with her. Not because she did anything wrong – she didn’t. No, you need to break up with her because frankly, she deserves better than to be with someone who’s going to verbally abuse her and call her a whore because he can’t handle the idea of a woman having a sexual history.
Grow up, learn to quit treating sex like something to be ashamed of and maybe you’ll be ready to date again.
DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am a twenty-year-old girl currently dating a twenty-seven-year-old guy. We’ve been together for six months now, and our relationship has been sexual for a few months. It’s been great, but I wouldn’t be writing if things were perfect.
Before this relationship, I was extra virgin. No intercourse or other partnered sexual activity, no kissing, no cuddling, nothing. Everything is new and exciting, and my “introduction” has been great. My boyfriend can read me perfectly. He recognizes when something feels good and does it, even if it seems silly. He delights in my pleasure.
Here’s the problem. When we’re together, everything is very much about me. My pleasure. My satisfaction. My climax. When I’m done, that’s it, unless I indicate I want to go for round n+1. In many ways, I suppose it’s a reversal of the “usual” problem.
I want to be a more giving partner but I’m very shy and timid, and I have no experience in this regard at all. I’ve tried my hand at manual stimulation, but he’ll often position himself in such a way that I can’t actually get a hand on things, such as by pressing against me. Neither of us has performed oral on the other and we’ve had sex exactly twice. Both times went very well, but he suffers from performance anxiety (he can get it up, until we want to do something with it). He’s very good at rolling with it, and can adjust with barely a hiccup, but I do wish I knew what to do to help him relax. I’ve done everything I know of to reassure him that I’m not frustrated or disappointed or mad or judging him or whatever, but usually I just ignore it. I don’t know if that’s the best way to address it, but it feels better than pointing it out unless he does.
I really care for this guy, enough so that I feel game for just about anything. Even “weird” stuff, if it was what he wanted. I’ve told him, multiple times, that if there’s anything he wants he can tell me. He always says he’s happy, and I do believe him. At the same time, I feel selfish. I want to make HIM feel good, in any way I can, not just take my own pleasure.
When it comes to doing something for the first time, I usually wait for him to guide me into it. I’m not very proactive, partly because I don’t know if any given action would be something he wants. I’m nervous about making specific offers because I don’t know what I’m doing, but I think that’s part of the problem. He’s timid too, so we both tend to sit around wanting something without saying it (neither of us gets resentful, though. We know we should just say it already; we’re just nervous). Recently, when I asked if he wanted me to do anything, he instead asked if there was anything *I* wanted to do. I was too shy to tell him I wanted to try giving him head. Besides, though I appreciate his concern for what I want, I want to know what HE wants.
I want to be more giving in my relationship, but I don’t know how. I want to make my boyfriend feel good, not just happy. Should I stop pussyfooting and make specific offers, or should I ask permission to perform (prospects that make me very nervous)? Or should I approach it from another angle entirely?
-It’s Better To Give Than To Receive
DEAR IT’S BETTER TO GIVE THAN TO RECEIVE: Over the years, I’ve noticed that there tend to be three types of people who are part of the “all about your pleasure” crew in bed. In one group you have people for whom being giving is, in reality, all about them – their ability to perform, to get you off and generally be given the label of “World’s Greatest Lover” and the attendant plaque and coffee mug. Your pleasure is ultimately secondary to the fact that THEY are the ones giving it to you. In a perverse kind of way, they’re incredibly selfish lovers; it’s all a show and if you don’t do your part they freak the hell out. Any deviation from the pre-determined routine is abhorrent and GOD HELP YOU if you need something to get off that’s not part of their usual repertoire. Or worse, a sex-toy.
Then you have the second group: people who’re GGG as the DNL celebrity Patronus Dan Savage calls it – good in bed, giving of pleasure and game for anything within reason. These people are the ones who’re genuinely good lovers, for whom sex is about mutual pleasure and enjoyment. They focus on their partners because hey, who doesn’t like it when their partner’s having a good time too? They’re the ones who get that not all sex needs to be orgasm-focused and are willing to experiment with toys, kink, role-play or whatever because hey, why not?
Then you’ve got the third group: the ones who’re compensating for something. Now, this doesn’t mean that they have a deep dark secret that they’re desperately trying to hide, it’s just that there’s some aspect about themselves that they’re insecure about. Perhaps they feel they have a small penis or they’re worried about differences in sexual experience between them and their partners and are afraid of not matching up to previous lovers. Or – in the case of your boyfriend – they have the occasional bout of performance anxiety and their junk doesn’t want to do its job when it’s supposed to. It could be that it’s easier for him to just go down on you and use the parts that are guaranteed to always work – his hands, his tongue, etc – than risk his cock not rising to the occasion, and he’s less enthused about getting pleasured because he’s worried that things won’t work as needed.
It’s also possible that he’s asexual – he’ll perform for you because he cares for you and likes making you happy but doesn’t necessarily want or need anything for himself; the pleasure you’re getting from it is what he enjoys.
All that being said, I have a sneaking suspicion that your boyfriend as a smidge of the “Madonna-Whore” complex going on.
Don’t get me wrong: I’m not saying that your boyfriend is a bad guy or has weird sexual hang-ups and double-standards. I think what he may be having is a case of feeling like a bit of a perv or a corrupting influence because you were so sexually inexperienced when the two of you got together. I suspect that, in his mind, he’s rationalized things that it’s ok if he’s giving you pleasure but he feels a little weird or like a bad person if you return the favor. Giving head – well that’s just a noble thing to do! He’s helping you explore your newfound sexuality! GETTING head… well that’s just selfish, innit? Maybe he feels like asking you to do things would be taking advantage of you – never mind the fact that he’s been inside of you like he’s trying to unlock the Temple of Doom.
But hey, I could be wrong.
Regardless, what you need to do is what I’m telling people to do all the time: use your words. The sitting on the couch nervously hoping someone will say something is cute and all but it’s kind of silly at this point in your relationship. There’s literally no reason for either of you to be nervous. You’ve been sexually active already, repeatedly, and it’s hardly a surprise at this point that the two of you like sex. I mean, once someone’s basically given you an all-over tongue bath and been giving the ol’ come-hither, you’ve been pretty goddamned intimate. Moreover, you’re not asking for anything terribly exotic – it’s hardly like you want to dress him up like a centaur and take him for walkies while three Lithuanian sex-dwarfs take turns rubbing their genitals on his head. You want to just want to give him oral sex – one of the most basic sex-acts out there!
You need to be an advocate for your own pleasure – even when your pleasure is wanting to give HIM pleasure. Pussyfooting around and hinting at things clearly isn’t doing the job, so you need to just straight up tell him what you want to do! He wants to make you happy? Then don’t couch it in terms of “I want to make you happy”, tell him you want to climb him like a tree or bang like a screen door in a hurricane. Don’t just wait for him to make the first move because, clearly if you do you’re both going to be waiting all night. Instead take matters into your own hands and take them into your own hands.
Don’t let the fact that you’ve never done this before scare you. Everyone starts off as a beginner and the only way we learn is through practice. Fortunately, you have someone who’s proven to be a caring, sensitive, patient and giving lover – people like that are always the best teachers. Tell him that you want feedback, what feels good, what doesn’t and what you should do more of – communication is important after all and that includes when you’re having sex. Make it clear to him that this is something you want.
And if he hesitates or still says that there’s nothing he wants… well, then you should have a conversation about that. Part of emotional intimacy is feeling comfortable and secure enough to talk about your desires – or even lack thereof. Don’t treat it as an emergency relationship-repair session, just wanting to understand where he’s coming from and what’s going on between his ears when you’re between the sheets. The ultimate secret to amazing sex is communication after all – and if you’re not communicating, you’re both cutting yourselves off from potential sources of pleasure.
Use your words and open up those lines of communication, IBTGTTR and you’ll find that your already amazing sex will become mind blowing.
Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, firstname.lastname@example.org)