DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I recently connected with someone I’ve met briefly in the past over a dating app and hit off the conversation with her. Let’s call her Alpha. We set up a time to grab some drinks last Friday, but she canceled the day-of citing a work event she forgot she needed to attend. Not problem though, she offered to meet up either later that weekend or next week.

I mentioned that I was going to be attending a neighborhood music/art festival the next day offering to meet up if she was around. She responded enthusiastically saying how she’d like to meet up! 

I text Alpha the day of the event asking if she’d like to meet up and where she was and… nothing. Frustrated, I let it sit. She finally got back to me Sunday night explaining what she ended up doing that day/evening. I noticed the mention of her friend she went to another event with- let’s call her Epsilon.

Epsilon’s name kept sticking out when it dawned on me, I went on a date with an Epsilon who happened to work at the same (extremely large) company. In fact, I met Epsilon the same night I connected with Alpha at a large party and we went home together- yikes! The date we shared wasn’t great and, after sensing that Epsilon wasn’t interested in a second date, we never connected again. A quick peek over on Alpha’s Instagram and, yep, there the two of them are!

So, surely Epsilon mentioned all of this to Alpha, hence the sudden radio-silence that I experienced last weekend. My frustration comes from having no chance to make a case for myself. I have no clue what Epsilon said about me, but it clearly wasn’t positive. I think Alpha and I would have a fun time on a date, but I’m stuck throwing in the towel before I even start the first round. 

I don’t go on enough dates for this to be a common occurrence, so this is particularly weird. My question is, is anything salvageable here? Is there a chance to reconnect with Alpha in the future, or do I “take the L” and move along?

Sincerely,

Three’s A Crowd

DEAR THREE’S A CROWD: There’s a saying I like, TaC; if you’re a regular reader, you may have heard me say it before:

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

This makes for a handy rule of thumb as a way to tell if, say, someone is trying to send you a message when they don’t return your calls. At the same time, it’s also useful as a way to remind yourself not to give more weight to a coincidence than the incident actually deserves. There is always going to be the temptation to look for malice or reason in the random events that occur in our lives. The idea that there’s an outside force working against us is perversely reassuring; it gives a deeper meaning to the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune besides “sh*t happens, wear a hat.” But at the same time, the idea that there’s an intelligent force behind your misery also has the effect of absolving you of any responsibility for why things may have gone wrong.

Plus: if you try to bring it up to, say, someone you feel isn’t dating you because of gossip, you kinda look like you lined your bedroom with tin foil to keep out the spy beams.

Right now, TaC, you’re making assumptions based on facts not in evidence. Let’s look at what you actually know: the incontrovertible facts.  Alpha ghosted you. Alpha also happens to be connected to someone you went on a single date with.

That’s it. Everything else after that is pure speculation. You don’t know what sort of relationship Alpha and Epsilon have. You don’t know that Alpha ever talked to Epsilon about you, or that Epsilon even remembers who you are. For that matter, you also don’t know that anything Epsilon said – if she said anything – actually changed Alpha’s mind. These are all things that you’ve basically invented out of whole cloth. It’s possible yes, but not plausible. It’s far more plausible, likely, even, that Alpha decided on her own that she just wasn’t feeling it and, like a lot of people these days, she decided there was no real need to respond.

And hey, that’s no fun.

But it is what it is, and the only thing you can do is just roll with it. Trying to plead your case isn’t going to go anywhere, TaC. First of all, as I said: you don’t know what actually happened. If you roll into the conversation with “I don’t know what Epsilon told you but…” then you’re going to look unhinged. Second of all, you had your chance to plead your case… when you first connected on the dating app. People who want to see you will make an effort to see you. I’ve had cases where we spent a solid month and a half with “Let’s meet up on this date! Wait, something went wrong, ok how about THIS date? No, I’ll be out of town, what about…” that eventually lead to an actual date.

Alpha just wasn’t digging you, my dude. And considering that she didn’t care enough to actually say “hey, something came up” on the day of your proposed date, asking for another chance to prove whatever scurrilous stories Epsilon may or may not have told her is unlikely to change her mind.

Acknowledge that this sucks, take the experience points, brush the dirt off your shoulder and move on.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I love your book and podcast – it’s so clearcut and informative, and it’s really a gift for people who struggle with dating, like myself.

So here’s my dilemma. It seems that I have a history of dating emotionally unavailable women. I’ve dated a few women each year, and each time, it starts off great, we have an instant connection, and then we go on a few dates, usually getting intimate pretty quickly, and it seems that we have the chemistry for a great relationship, but then almost always after the 3-5 date mark, the woman cuts me off. Each time I’ve gotten rejected, I felt terrible thinking that I did something wrong or that I wasn’t good enough. But recently, after some time, I’ve asked a lot of these women why they stopped talking to me, and so far, most of them will say that it was all their fault and that they’d like another shot.

It seems I just keep meeting emotionally unavailable women and that I’m doing something to attract them. Even when I use online dating and don’t even initiate the conversation, I keep finding these women. Having said all of this, what do you think I should do? What am I doing that’s attracting these women? How do I change this so I find emotional available women? If you can help me out, I’d be forever grateful. Thank you!

Roadblocked

DEAR ROADBLOCKED:  When it comes to trying to troubleshoot you love life, sometimes you need to stop and look for the commonalities, RB. What do all of those relationships and interactions have in common? Sometimes it’s a matter of never getting out of your comfort zone. Doing the same thing over and over again tends to lead to getting the same results. Other times, it’s just pure bad luck or demographics that work against you. And then sometimes the only commonality is… well, you.

When you find yourself dating the same sort of woman over and over again, whether it’s a physical type or women who’re just emotionally closed off, then that’s usually a sign that there’s something about those women that jives with you. Now this doesn’t mean that they’re people that you’re attracted to, just that there’s some aspect of them that you connect with – and not necessarily in a positive manner. People who tend to date drama bombs, for example, often do so because drama fulfills a need in them. It may make them feel important. It may be a source of excitement in an otherwise staid life. The fact that you connect so quickly with emotionally unavailable may be an issue with you and your own self-esteem. People who don’t believe they’re worthy of love, or who are actually afraid of success will often chase after partners who they know are “safe”, pursuing relationships that they know are ultimately impossible. Since they know there’s no chance of success, they don’t feel the anxiety that comes with approaching someone when there are actual stakes.

It’s worth taking a long, deep dive into these women you’ve been dating… and into yourself. Doing some serious introspection, examining how you feel about yourself and how they made you feel can be a good start. And if you are chasing after women who aren’t right for you? Then it’s a good time to stop and ask why.

And in the meantime: try pursuing relationships women you might not approach, normally. Sometimes finding out what’s wrong means doing things very differently and seeing if you get different results. But overall: the next time you find yourself starting to connect with someone, take a moment and take stock. Do you really have this incredible instant connection? Or are you repeating the same pattern over again?

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My girl is a labourer, which means she generally works with predominantly men – which also means she makes a lot of male friends. Problem is, I’ve had a lot of bad experience with opposite-sex-friendships in relationships and am suffering some major insecurity issues.

I realise this is largely a personal issues, but I just want advice on how I could possibly deal with the situation. Any advice on how I can get over my insecurity and trust issues? Is it right for her to hang out with these guys while I’m at work?

I try to be modern and play it off like I don’t care, but it’s eating me up inside with all these conflicting feelings – as in, I shouldn’t control who she hangs out with and when, but my head keeps trying to push me to ask to at least be involved – so that I can make sure these dudes aren’t making a move on her.

Help.

Feeling Jealous

DEAR FEELING JEALOUS: So I want to warn you that right off the bat, FJ, you’re going to be getting a lot of “build yourself a bridge and get over it” responses from folks over this. And to a certain extent, they’re correct: this is basically a problem that is entirely in your head and it’s on you to work through it.

But you know what? I can understand the way you’re feeling. I’ve been there and done that… which means I know exactly what’s going to happen if you don’t sort your head out: you’re going to push your girlfriend away. Maybe it’ll be into one of her male friends’ arms. Maybe it won’t. Either way it won’t matter, because all it’s going to do is just confirm to you that you had a reason to be jealous and controlling and you can never trust other dudes around a woman.

So let’s do something radical here before everything goes horribly wrong, FJ. Let’s head this off at the pass.

Because you’re right: it’s a personal issue. You’re wrong about the cause though. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t doubt you’ve had bad experiences with opposite-sex friendships, but that’s not the underlying issue here. The underlying issue here is your self-esteem. Specifically: you don’t have any.

Is that harsh? Yeah, it’s a little harsh. But it’s true. Because let’s face it: unless there’s something major you’ve left out of your letter – it’s pretty short, maybe you did – your girlfriend isn’t giving you any reason to believe she’s about to or is currently cheating on you. This is all your jerk-brain playing Iago to your Othello, telling you that Desdemona has to have been schtupping half the guardsman in the barracks. It’s that lack of self-esteem, that lack of belief in yourself or in your inherent value which makes you believe that there’s trouble in the offing.

The reason why you’re freaking out about your girlfriend having lots of male friends is that you don’t believe that you can measure up to them. In your head, they’re big, strapping, macho alpha males whereas you… aren’t. Furthermore, you seem to have bought into the idea that men can’t possibly be friends with a woman without wanting to bone her, so clearly these guys are hanging around your girlfriend like a bunch of mountain lions around a solitary sheep, waiting for the perfect moment to pounce. And because you don’t feel as though you have any actual worth, you have this nagging feeling that the only possible reason why your girlfriend isn’t banging one or all of them is because you sporadically remind her of your existence.

And if I’m right – and I bet I am – you haven’t breathed a word of this to your girlfriend.

That’s the root of all your problems right there.

I mean, let’s look at this logically. Either you trust your girlfriend or you don’t. If you don’t trust her, then you shouldn’t be dating her at all, because trust is the foundation that relationships are built upon. So let’s proceed under the assumption that you do trust her. In which case: who cares if one of her friends makes a move on her? Just because someone makes a pass at your girlfriend doesn’t mean that she’s going to suddenly fling her panties to the wind and cry out “Take me now, you stallion, take me in a manly fashion!” No, what’s going to happen is that she’s going to shoot him down. Why? Because she’s already chosen YOU.

Your girlfriend – out of all the other guys in her life – has chosen to date you. This alone should tell you something: that there is something about you that she finds more appealing, more attractive, more worthwhile than those other guys. Maybe the other guys are handsomer. Maybe other guys she knows are funnier or more financially well off. Maybe some dress better or have fancier cars. Doesn’t matter. By dating you, she is telling you that the sum totality of who you are means more to her than those other guys out there.

And here you are, basically calling her a liar.

You don’t believe that you have value, that you have any worth, so you’re intrinsically saying “I don’t believe you. You can’t possibly like me. As soon as I’m not in eyeshot, you’re going to go straight to Dirk Chestmeat.” And you know what? There’s only so many times you can call someone a liar and push them away before they decide that they’ve had enough and leave.

The other problem is that this fear that she’s inevitably going to cheat on you because she has so many other guys around her? That’s going to come out in your behavior. I mean, you’re already anxious about it. It’s eating you up inside. It’s making you tense, it’s making you nauseous. I can guarantee you, you’re not as good about keeping that tension out of your face and voice when you talk to her, that stiffness out of your limbs when you hold her. She may not say anything, but I bet she’s noticed. And I bet she’s wondering what’s wrong.

It’s important to deal with these feelings, with that lack of self-esteem. It doesn’t take very long before fear becomes certainty and that in turn becomes bitterness and resentment. And when that happens… you start getting angry at her. Angry for things she hasn’t done, which she isn’t even thinking of. And c’mon: it’s not fair to get angry at someone for what’s ultimately going on in your head, not if you want this relationship to work.

And believe me, the answer is not to wave your insecurity in her face. I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve seen guys try to “win” a girl by trying to perpetually occupy her attention, who believed that the only way to he was going to get her interested in him is if he somehow blocked every other male she wanted to talk to. I’ll give you three guesses how many times that trick worked and the first two don’t count. That’s sad enough in courting behavior. It’s especially sad when it’s a jealous boyfriend who believes that his presence is the only thing preventing her from cheating on him.

So right now you have a long-term and and a short term solution. First: you need to talk to somebody – a counselor, a psychologist, someone – about your self-esteem and insecurity issues. These are going to be the core of every relationship problem you have, the common denominator that’s going to underline every single break-up and failed relationship. The sooner you start addressing these issues, the better; not only will it make your life better over all, it will make you feel much more secure in your relationships. That’s the long-term solution. It’s not going to be quick or easy, but it’s necessary.

Next is the short-term solution: you’re going to use your words. You need to talk with your girlfriend. And here’s what you need to say: “Listen, I’m an insecure bag of slop right now. I love you and I trust you, but I had some bad experiences in the past and I get anxious about you hanging around other guys. I know it’s irrational, and it’s about how I’m feeling and not about anything you’re doing. I don’t want you to stop being friends with them and I’m not telling you who you can and can’t be friends with. I just want you to know that I get insecure every now and again. I’m working on it, but I’d appreciate a little reassurance every once in a while.” That’s it.

Letting her know that you feel this way, that you recognize that this is irrational is important. Like I said: the fact that this is eating you up is coming out in your letter and if I can see it in seven sentences, then it’s definitely coming out in your behavior with her. And the odds are, she knows you’re upset but she doesn’t know why and – if she cares about you at all – wants to help. Opening up to her so she understands why you may get twitchy every now and again is like venting steam – you’re relieving the pressure that’s been building up for so long. You’ll be amazed at how much just getting it out there will help.  And by giving her something concrete that she can do to help rather than trying to restrict her… well, I suspect that’ll bring her relief too.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I’ve got a bad case of the jitterbugs – I love to dance.

I’ve dabbled in swing, tango, blues, waltz, square, Scottish, and a folk dance called contra. All of the places have one thing in common: if you want to dance with someone, wait ten minutes for a break in the music and just ask them. If they say yes, great! If they say no, no big deal–just ask someone else. It’s pretty transparent and its a great time.

However, I’ve occasionally found myself at a normal club with pop music playing and lots of people on a crowded dance floor. Since the music is pretty continuous, I’ll try starting to dance along and dancing over to a woman who didn’t look like she was dancing with anyone and asking her if she wanted to dance. It’s impossible to speak, so this was pretty much all through eye contact and the well-known “would you care to dance?” hand gesture. Every time I’ve done this, I’ve gotten a “what the hell?” facial expression as if I’m the creepiest lizardman they’ve ever seen crawl from a sewer. I don’t like that feeling, so I’ve really only tried this a handful of times. I usually either dance by myself off in a corner, or just leave. A female friend of mine told me that you’re just supposed to start grinding on someone and she’ll either be into it or shoo you off. I’ve never worked up the courage to do that because dancing at clubs generally involves grinding your genitalia against the other person and doing that without asking, well… frankly it sounds too much like sexual assault.

So, what course of action would you prescribe?

Confused Jitterbug

DEAR CONFUSED JITTERBUG:  you’ve asked the wrong guy. Even when I was going to clubs, I didn’t dance unless I was literally dragged onto the floor by someone and even then, I mostly did the “arms at 90 degrees, shuffle side-to-side” move. Swing dancing, ballroom, salsa, cha-cha, I’m your guy. In da club… not so much.

That being said: I can tell you that being the guy who just starts rubbing his junk on a random girl? Not the guy you want to be. I’ve lost track of how many women have complained to me about guys who do that. Now personally, I’d suggest that instead of doing the “shall we dance” routine – which is a bit formal and out of place in a club setting – I’d recommend talking to someone for a few minutes and getting a conversation started. Then just say “hey, let’s dance!”, take her hand and lead her out to the floor.

But that’s just me and – like I said – I’m not the club guy. So I’m tossing this one out to my club-going readers: what’s the best way to ask someone to dance at a loud club?

Thoughts?

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have been in a long distance relationship with my current girlfriend for about a year and it’s my first serious relationship (not hers). Pretty much everything was great for the first few months and even though we had difficulties with the long distance, we managed to make it work and generally had a good time.

Lately it feels like the “new relationship energy”, at least in the physical aspect, has gone from our relationship. Previously, we would pretty much have sex like rabbits every time we saw each other. Nowadays the frequency has dropped to maybe 2-3 times when we get to see each other for a week/long weekend after being apart for a month or so.

I understand that this is natural in a relationship and that people’s libidos can vary greatly over time but I can’t help feeling frustrated. After a few weeks of not seeing her, the first thing I want to do is tear her clothes off and that just doesn’t seem to be a priority for her anymore.

We’ve talked about this and she seems to understand where I’m coming from but says that she doesn’t feel like it if she feels pressured to just have more sex. I get what she means because I tend to show my frustrations fairly clearly. She also feels that it’s natural for sex to ebb and flow but I feel like she isn’t taking into account the long distance nature of the relationship. We have basically agreed to work on me not pressuring her so much and her trying to improve the frequency,

The problem is that she has a tendency to discuss issues in our relationship, come to an agreement and never act on them. I understand what I have to do and try and make an effort to do so but sometimes it feels like she does not. Additionally, talking to her about any issue in the relationship is like pulling teeth. She’ll shut down with anger and just not talk about the problem for days and leave it unresolved until it inevitably comes up again. Everything else with her is great, to the point that I have seriously considered settling down with her and I really wish I didn’t feel like this. Sometimes it makes me wonder if this long distance is worth it and if I should just call it quits. What should I do?

Just One Thing

DEAR JUST ONE THING: I’m sympathetic, JOT; long distance is tough to manage, especially when it’s your first relationship. But I think it’s your inexperience that’s cutting you off at the knees here. You’re running into a problem that lots of people have in their early relationships – especially long-distance ones: you’re kinda taking the sex for granted.

When you’re in your first serious relationship, for a lot of people it’s like going from a famine to a feast. You’ve gone from no sex – or very limited sexual activity – to suddenly having it all. And in those heady, early days when everything is amazing it’s very easy to get lost in the idea that now sex is going to be on tap, 24-7. This is especially true when you’re in a long-distance relationship and you only see each other so many times per year. There’s this understandable desire to get in all the sexin’ you can because there’s going to be this long dry spell in between.

Problem is, when the honeymoon period starts to end and the new relationship energy starts to fade, priorities tend to change. The ways and whys you have sex change. Yes, the passion tapers off, as it does in all relationships, but this comes with a greater emphasis on the other parts of your relationship – the intimacy and the nurturing and the companionship. It’s not just about being a couple of horny greased weasels, it’s about sharing that connection between the two of you. But when she comes to visit and the first thing you want to do is rip her clothes off? It kind of makes her feel like that’s all you want. There’s a lot to be said for being wanted, but it’s very easy to turn “being wanted” into “feeling like a Fleshlight with a pulse”.

So I suspect that the problem is less that your girlfriend doesn’t want as much sex – although that could well be part of it – as much of feeling like most of what you miss is getting laid on the regular. And if you’re getting notably frustrated because you’re not balls-deep as soon as you’re off the plane… well, that’s going to turn her off even further. That’s going to make her feel incredibly pressured to put out regardless of her feelings on the matter, which is a huge turn off.

That is what makes me wonder whether your problems discussing your relationship issues stems from her feeling pressured to f

k constantly. If she feels like most of the relationship is going to be about how much you’re f

king and if you’re going to be pouting until then, then there’s not exactly much incentive to work on everything else. After all, why bang you head against another wall?

My advice is that you start with getting the way you treat sex under control. Don’t get me wrong: there’s nothing wrong with having a high sex drive or wanting it every day and twice on Sundays. It’s how you’re treating your partner that’s the problem. So try to put some emphasis on practicing gratitude, rather than entitlement. Appreciate everything about having her there with you – the companionship, the cuddling, the little jokes – as well as the idea that you’re gonna get some. The more you can show how you love all of her, without making her feel pressured or venting your frustrations at her, the happier you’ll both be.

Once you have that sorted… see how the rest shapes up. That’ll give you a better idea as to whether this relationship can go the distance.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I’m a straight woman and long-time lurker with an issue with my boyfriend. I have been in my current relationship for three years come April. We have been through some very hard times but have been making it work. Or at least I thought so, until evidence of him sexting another woman was presented to me. This doesn’t look to be an isolated case of weakness and stress, although he says it was. In fact, the <sarcasm> wonderful woman </sarcasm> conveniently provided screen shots the week before he proposed to me, a couple weeks after, and again several months afterwards. It was, to the best of my knowledge, only virtual and nothing physical.

I like to think that I am very understanding and supportive. I completely understand that sometimes you need release without the work that sex can be and have made it clear from the beginning I have no problem with porn. We live in the same house. I do a majority of the chores, pay for a majority of the living expenses, and have been working hard to support him. I know he has a lot going on and is very stressed. While this hasn’t been physical, it still feels like cheating to me. It has gone from passively watching, and has actively pursuing. And it still was a choice he made, multiple times, to betray my trust.

As I am writing this, it is still a fresh wound. I do dearly love him. And, even though my heart still feels shattered, I want the best for him. He has been supportive of me in the past, seen me through some very difficult times, and has become a central part of my life. This seems to indicate what’s best for him would be to have the freedom to find happiness. We have talked at length at this, and he insists he wants to try and make this right.

Are we, or I, chasing a false dream?

Lost and Wounded

DEAR LOST AND WOUNDED: I kind of wonder what the other woman was hoping for when she decided to give you the dirty details. Was she hoping to break the two of you up so she could take things from the virtual into the physical? Did she just get her jollies from letting you know that she’s had her claws in your man? Did she have pangs of conscience and decided you needed to know everything?

Not that it ultimately matters. That’s just the rotten topping on the infidelity sundae. This is between you and your fiancee.

If you’ve been a long-time lurker, then you know my feelings on monogamy are nuanced, to say the least. Making a monogamous commitment doesn’t mean that you don’t want to sleep with other people, it just means you’ve promised NOT to. Men and women both will have the urge for novelty and new partners and find themselves having crushes and attractions to people who aren’t their one-and-only’s. And the rush of a naughty secret and being desired by somebody new can be intoxicating.

I also tend to believe that not all infidelities are equal. Someone using Tinder for flirty texting isn’t, to my mind, the same as having a regular fling with the neighbor. In some ways, it’s akin to using a cam site instead of just watching porn.

I say all of this not to devalue how you feel, but just to establish where I tend to come from on matters like these. So with that being said: no, I don’t think “giving him his freedom” is necessary. While his behavior has been bad – no question there – I don’t think this rises to the level of a relationship extinction level event… yet.

Don’t get me wrong: you have very legitimate reasons to be hurt and upset. The pain you’re feeling is very real and very valid. Your fiancee has hurt you through his actions. But I also think that this is something that you two can recover from, if you two want to make the effort. The question is, what is he willing to do to fix things and earn your trust back? He’s going to have to be going above and beyond – not only cutting ties with his virtual paramour but being willing to be the one to maintain the boundaries in your relationship. Will he be willing to show you proof that he’s on the up and up? Will he be able to give full transparency so you never need to wonder where things stand now? Can he show you just how much you mean to him – not just now while the wound is fresh, but over time?

And, just as importantly, are you going to be able to trust him again?

That second part is pretty important. If he’s willing to show you that yes, he’s going out of his way to be trustworthy again, are you going to be able to believe him? Or has this been such a grievous wound that you’ll always have that splinter of doubt digging away at your soul, leaving a canker on your relationship with him?

I think that, IF you both want it AND he’s going to put a good-faith effort in, your relationship can survive this. Your old relationship may be over, but a new one can begin in it’s place, if you want it. If he truly wants to make this right and you truly want to let him… then I think it’s worth the risk.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)