DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My girl is a labourer, which means she generally works with predominantly men – which also means she makes a lot of male friends. Problem is, I’ve had a lot of bad experience with opposite-sex-friendships in relationships and am suffering some major insecurity issues.

I realise this is largely a personal issues, but I just want advice on how I could possibly deal with the situation. Any advice on how I can get over my insecurity and trust issues? Is it right for her to hang out with these guys while I’m at work?

I try to be modern and play it off like I don’t care, but it’s eating me up inside with all these conflicting feelings – as in, I shouldn’t control who she hangs out with and when, but my head keeps trying to push me to ask to at least be involved – so that I can make sure these dudes aren’t making a move on her.

Help.

Feeling Jealous

DEAR FEELING JEALOUS: So I want to warn you that right off the bat, FJ, you’re going to be getting a lot of “build yourself a bridge and get over it” responses from folks over this. And to a certain extent, they’re correct: this is basically a problem that is entirely in your head and it’s on you to work through it.

But you know what? I can understand the way you’re feeling. I’ve been there and done that… which means I know exactly what’s going to happen if you don’t sort your head out: you’re going to push your girlfriend away. Maybe it’ll be into one of her male friends’ arms. Maybe it won’t. Either way it won’t matter, because all it’s going to do is just confirm to you that you had a reason to be jealous and controlling and you can never trust other dudes around a woman.

So let’s do something radical here before everything goes horribly wrong, FJ. Let’s head this off at the pass.

Because you’re right: it’s a personal issue. You’re wrong about the cause though. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t doubt you’ve had bad experiences with opposite-sex friendships, but that’s not the underlying issue here. The underlying issue here is your self-esteem. Specifically: you don’t have any.

Is that harsh? Yeah, it’s a little harsh. But it’s true. Because let’s face it: unless there’s something major you’ve left out of your letter – it’s pretty short, maybe you did – your girlfriend isn’t giving you any reason to believe she’s about to or is currently cheating on you. This is all your jerk-brain playing Iago to your Othello, telling you that Desdemona has to have been schtupping half the guardsman in the barracks. It’s that lack of self-esteem, that lack of belief in yourself or in your inherent value which makes you believe that there’s trouble in the offing.

The reason why you’re freaking out about your girlfriend having lots of male friends is that you don’t believe that you can measure up to them. In your head, they’re big, strapping, macho alpha males whereas you… aren’t. Furthermore, you seem to have bought into the idea that men can’t possibly be friends with a woman without wanting to bone her, so clearly these guys are hanging around your girlfriend like a bunch of mountain lions around a solitary sheep, waiting for the perfect moment to pounce. And because you don’t feel as though you have any actual worth, you have this nagging feeling that the only possible reason why your girlfriend isn’t banging one or all of them is because you sporadically remind her of your existence.

And if I’m right – and I bet I am – you haven’t breathed a word of this to your girlfriend.

That’s the root of all your problems right there.

I mean, let’s look at this logically. Either you trust your girlfriend or you don’t. If you don’t trust her, then you shouldn’t be dating her at all, because trust is the foundation that relationships are built upon. So let’s proceed under the assumption that you do trust her. In which case: who cares if one of her friends makes a move on her? Just because someone makes a pass at your girlfriend doesn’t mean that she’s going to suddenly fling her panties to the wind and cry out “Take me now, you stallion, take me in a manly fashion!” No, what’s going to happen is that she’s going to shoot him down. Why? Because she’s already chosen YOU.

Your girlfriend – out of all the other guys in her life – has chosen to date you. This alone should tell you something: that there is something about you that she finds more appealing, more attractive, more worthwhile than those other guys. Maybe the other guys are handsomer. Maybe other guys she knows are funnier or more financially well off. Maybe some dress better or have fancier cars. Doesn’t matter. By dating you, she is telling you that the sum totality of who you are means more to her than those other guys out there.

And here you are, basically calling her a liar.

You don’t believe that you have value, that you have any worth, so you’re intrinsically saying “I don’t believe you. You can’t possibly like me. As soon as I’m not in eyeshot, you’re going to go straight to Dirk Chestmeat.” And you know what? There’s only so many times you can call someone a liar and push them away before they decide that they’ve had enough and leave.

The other problem is that this fear that she’s inevitably going to cheat on you because she has so many other guys around her? That’s going to come out in your behavior. I mean, you’re already anxious about it. It’s eating you up inside. It’s making you tense, it’s making you nauseous. I can guarantee you, you’re not as good about keeping that tension out of your face and voice when you talk to her, that stiffness out of your limbs when you hold her. She may not say anything, but I bet she’s noticed. And I bet she’s wondering what’s wrong.

It’s important to deal with these feelings, with that lack of self-esteem. It doesn’t take very long before fear becomes certainty and that in turn becomes bitterness and resentment. And when that happens… you start getting angry at her. Angry for things she hasn’t done, which she isn’t even thinking of. And c’mon: it’s not fair to get angry at someone for what’s ultimately going on in your head, not if you want this relationship to work.

And believe me, the answer is not to wave your insecurity in her face. I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve seen guys try to “win” a girl by trying to perpetually occupy her attention, who believed that the only way to he was going to get her interested in him is if he somehow blocked every other male she wanted to talk to. I’ll give you three guesses how many times that trick worked and the first two don’t count. That’s sad enough in courting behavior. It’s especially sad when it’s a jealous boyfriend who believes that his presence is the only thing preventing her from cheating on him.

So right now you have a long-term and and a short term solution. First: you need to talk to somebody – a counselor, a psychologist, someone – about your self-esteem and insecurity issues. These are going to be the core of every relationship problem you have, the common denominator that’s going to underline every single break-up and failed relationship. The sooner you start addressing these issues, the better; not only will it make your life better over all, it will make you feel much more secure in your relationships. That’s the long-term solution. It’s not going to be quick or easy, but it’s necessary.

Next is the short-term solution: you’re going to use your words. You need to talk with your girlfriend. And here’s what you need to say: “Listen, I’m an insecure bag of slop right now. I love you and I trust you, but I had some bad experiences in the past and I get anxious about you hanging around other guys. I know it’s irrational, and it’s about how I’m feeling and not about anything you’re doing. I don’t want you to stop being friends with them and I’m not telling you who you can and can’t be friends with. I just want you to know that I get insecure every now and again. I’m working on it, but I’d appreciate a little reassurance every once in a while.” That’s it.

Letting her know that you feel this way, that you recognize that this is irrational is important. Like I said: the fact that this is eating you up is coming out in your letter and if I can see it in seven sentences, then it’s definitely coming out in your behavior with her. And the odds are, she knows you’re upset but she doesn’t know why and – if she cares about you at all – wants to help. Opening up to her so she understands why you may get twitchy every now and again is like venting steam – you’re relieving the pressure that’s been building up for so long. You’ll be amazed at how much just getting it out there will help.  And by giving her something concrete that she can do to help rather than trying to restrict her… well, I suspect that’ll bring her relief too.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I’ve got a bad case of the jitterbugs – I love to dance.

I’ve dabbled in swing, tango, blues, waltz, square, Scottish, and a folk dance called contra. All of the places have one thing in common: if you want to dance with someone, wait ten minutes for a break in the music and just ask them. If they say yes, great! If they say no, no big deal–just ask someone else. It’s pretty transparent and its a great time.

However, I’ve occasionally found myself at a normal club with pop music playing and lots of people on a crowded dance floor. Since the music is pretty continuous, I’ll try starting to dance along and dancing over to a woman who didn’t look like she was dancing with anyone and asking her if she wanted to dance. It’s impossible to speak, so this was pretty much all through eye contact and the well-known “would you care to dance?” hand gesture. Every time I’ve done this, I’ve gotten a “what the hell?” facial expression as if I’m the creepiest lizardman they’ve ever seen crawl from a sewer. I don’t like that feeling, so I’ve really only tried this a handful of times. I usually either dance by myself off in a corner, or just leave. A female friend of mine told me that you’re just supposed to start grinding on someone and she’ll either be into it or shoo you off. I’ve never worked up the courage to do that because dancing at clubs generally involves grinding your genitalia against the other person and doing that without asking, well… frankly it sounds too much like sexual assault.

So, what course of action would you prescribe?

Confused Jitterbug

DEAR CONFUSED JITTERBUG:  you’ve asked the wrong guy. Even when I was going to clubs, I didn’t dance unless I was literally dragged onto the floor by someone and even then, I mostly did the “arms at 90 degrees, shuffle side-to-side” move. Swing dancing, ballroom, salsa, cha-cha, I’m your guy. In da club… not so much.

That being said: I can tell you that being the guy who just starts rubbing his junk on a random girl? Not the guy you want to be. I’ve lost track of how many women have complained to me about guys who do that. Now personally, I’d suggest that instead of doing the “shall we dance” routine – which is a bit formal and out of place in a club setting – I’d recommend talking to someone for a few minutes and getting a conversation started. Then just say “hey, let’s dance!”, take her hand and lead her out to the floor.

But that’s just me and – like I said – I’m not the club guy. So I’m tossing this one out to my club-going readers: what’s the best way to ask someone to dance at a loud club?

Thoughts?

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have been in a long distance relationship with my current girlfriend for about a year and it’s my first serious relationship (not hers). Pretty much everything was great for the first few months and even though we had difficulties with the long distance, we managed to make it work and generally had a good time.

Lately it feels like the “new relationship energy”, at least in the physical aspect, has gone from our relationship. Previously, we would pretty much have sex like rabbits every time we saw each other. Nowadays the frequency has dropped to maybe 2-3 times when we get to see each other for a week/long weekend after being apart for a month or so.

I understand that this is natural in a relationship and that people’s libidos can vary greatly over time but I can’t help feeling frustrated. After a few weeks of not seeing her, the first thing I want to do is tear her clothes off and that just doesn’t seem to be a priority for her anymore.

We’ve talked about this and she seems to understand where I’m coming from but says that she doesn’t feel like it if she feels pressured to just have more sex. I get what she means because I tend to show my frustrations fairly clearly. She also feels that it’s natural for sex to ebb and flow but I feel like she isn’t taking into account the long distance nature of the relationship. We have basically agreed to work on me not pressuring her so much and her trying to improve the frequency,

The problem is that she has a tendency to discuss issues in our relationship, come to an agreement and never act on them. I understand what I have to do and try and make an effort to do so but sometimes it feels like she does not. Additionally, talking to her about any issue in the relationship is like pulling teeth. She’ll shut down with anger and just not talk about the problem for days and leave it unresolved until it inevitably comes up again. Everything else with her is great, to the point that I have seriously considered settling down with her and I really wish I didn’t feel like this. Sometimes it makes me wonder if this long distance is worth it and if I should just call it quits. What should I do?

Just One Thing

DEAR JUST ONE THING: I’m sympathetic, JOT; long distance is tough to manage, especially when it’s your first relationship. But I think it’s your inexperience that’s cutting you off at the knees here. You’re running into a problem that lots of people have in their early relationships – especially long-distance ones: you’re kinda taking the sex for granted.

When you’re in your first serious relationship, for a lot of people it’s like going from a famine to a feast. You’ve gone from no sex – or very limited sexual activity – to suddenly having it all. And in those heady, early days when everything is amazing it’s very easy to get lost in the idea that now sex is going to be on tap, 24-7. This is especially true when you’re in a long-distance relationship and you only see each other so many times per year. There’s this understandable desire to get in all the sexin’ you can because there’s going to be this long dry spell in between.

Problem is, when the honeymoon period starts to end and the new relationship energy starts to fade, priorities tend to change. The ways and whys you have sex change. Yes, the passion tapers off, as it does in all relationships, but this comes with a greater emphasis on the other parts of your relationship – the intimacy and the nurturing and the companionship. It’s not just about being a couple of horny greased weasels, it’s about sharing that connection between the two of you. But when she comes to visit and the first thing you want to do is rip her clothes off? It kind of makes her feel like that’s all you want. There’s a lot to be said for being wanted, but it’s very easy to turn “being wanted” into “feeling like a Fleshlight with a pulse”.

So I suspect that the problem is less that your girlfriend doesn’t want as much sex – although that could well be part of it – as much of feeling like most of what you miss is getting laid on the regular. And if you’re getting notably frustrated because you’re not balls-deep as soon as you’re off the plane… well, that’s going to turn her off even further. That’s going to make her feel incredibly pressured to put out regardless of her feelings on the matter, which is a huge turn off.

That is what makes me wonder whether your problems discussing your relationship issues stems from her feeling pressured to f

k constantly. If she feels like most of the relationship is going to be about how much you’re f

king and if you’re going to be pouting until then, then there’s not exactly much incentive to work on everything else. After all, why bang you head against another wall?

My advice is that you start with getting the way you treat sex under control. Don’t get me wrong: there’s nothing wrong with having a high sex drive or wanting it every day and twice on Sundays. It’s how you’re treating your partner that’s the problem. So try to put some emphasis on practicing gratitude, rather than entitlement. Appreciate everything about having her there with you – the companionship, the cuddling, the little jokes – as well as the idea that you’re gonna get some. The more you can show how you love all of her, without making her feel pressured or venting your frustrations at her, the happier you’ll both be.

Once you have that sorted… see how the rest shapes up. That’ll give you a better idea as to whether this relationship can go the distance.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I’m a straight woman and long-time lurker with an issue with my boyfriend. I have been in my current relationship for three years come April. We have been through some very hard times but have been making it work. Or at least I thought so, until evidence of him sexting another woman was presented to me. This doesn’t look to be an isolated case of weakness and stress, although he says it was. In fact, the <sarcasm> wonderful woman </sarcasm> conveniently provided screen shots the week before he proposed to me, a couple weeks after, and again several months afterwards. It was, to the best of my knowledge, only virtual and nothing physical.

I like to think that I am very understanding and supportive. I completely understand that sometimes you need release without the work that sex can be and have made it clear from the beginning I have no problem with porn. We live in the same house. I do a majority of the chores, pay for a majority of the living expenses, and have been working hard to support him. I know he has a lot going on and is very stressed. While this hasn’t been physical, it still feels like cheating to me. It has gone from passively watching, and has actively pursuing. And it still was a choice he made, multiple times, to betray my trust.

As I am writing this, it is still a fresh wound. I do dearly love him. And, even though my heart still feels shattered, I want the best for him. He has been supportive of me in the past, seen me through some very difficult times, and has become a central part of my life. This seems to indicate what’s best for him would be to have the freedom to find happiness. We have talked at length at this, and he insists he wants to try and make this right.

Are we, or I, chasing a false dream?

Lost and Wounded

DEAR LOST AND WOUNDED: I kind of wonder what the other woman was hoping for when she decided to give you the dirty details. Was she hoping to break the two of you up so she could take things from the virtual into the physical? Did she just get her jollies from letting you know that she’s had her claws in your man? Did she have pangs of conscience and decided you needed to know everything?

Not that it ultimately matters. That’s just the rotten topping on the infidelity sundae. This is between you and your fiancee.

If you’ve been a long-time lurker, then you know my feelings on monogamy are nuanced, to say the least. Making a monogamous commitment doesn’t mean that you don’t want to sleep with other people, it just means you’ve promised NOT to. Men and women both will have the urge for novelty and new partners and find themselves having crushes and attractions to people who aren’t their one-and-only’s. And the rush of a naughty secret and being desired by somebody new can be intoxicating.

I also tend to believe that not all infidelities are equal. Someone using Tinder for flirty texting isn’t, to my mind, the same as having a regular fling with the neighbor. In some ways, it’s akin to using a cam site instead of just watching porn.

I say all of this not to devalue how you feel, but just to establish where I tend to come from on matters like these. So with that being said: no, I don’t think “giving him his freedom” is necessary. While his behavior has been bad – no question there – I don’t think this rises to the level of a relationship extinction level event… yet.

Don’t get me wrong: you have very legitimate reasons to be hurt and upset. The pain you’re feeling is very real and very valid. Your fiancee has hurt you through his actions. But I also think that this is something that you two can recover from, if you two want to make the effort. The question is, what is he willing to do to fix things and earn your trust back? He’s going to have to be going above and beyond – not only cutting ties with his virtual paramour but being willing to be the one to maintain the boundaries in your relationship. Will he be willing to show you proof that he’s on the up and up? Will he be able to give full transparency so you never need to wonder where things stand now? Can he show you just how much you mean to him – not just now while the wound is fresh, but over time?

And, just as importantly, are you going to be able to trust him again?

That second part is pretty important. If he’s willing to show you that yes, he’s going out of his way to be trustworthy again, are you going to be able to believe him? Or has this been such a grievous wound that you’ll always have that splinter of doubt digging away at your soul, leaving a canker on your relationship with him?

I think that, IF you both want it AND he’s going to put a good-faith effort in, your relationship can survive this. Your old relationship may be over, but a new one can begin in it’s place, if you want it. If he truly wants to make this right and you truly want to let him… then I think it’s worth the risk.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Long time lurker, first time writer here. I’m a college boy dating a fellow student that we’ll call J. I’ve dated only a few times in the past, mostly out of shyness, but never consistently until I met her. We’ve been going out for a bit more than a year now, and I’ve never been happier. She’s the kindest, smartest, most caring person I know, and I love every moment we spend together. But a few years ago, before I met her, J was diagnosed with lupus, an incurable disease that has a number of awful, sometimes visible side-effects including hair loss, facial rashes, mood swings, and joint pain. Most of the noticeable side-effects have lessened in severity with a combination of time and medication, but they’re still there, and will always be a part of her life. Add the fact that one of her old medications made her gain some weight that she’s still working on losing, and it understandably left J with very low self-esteem.

We’re both in the same major and she does consistently better than most of the students, including myself, in every class we share, but she tells me that she’s not that smart, or that she’s just a good guesser and didn’t really deserve the good grades she’s earned. Whenever we start to get intimate, she always apologizes profusely for her inflexibility and stretch marks, things that I honestly couldn’t give a damn about when she shoves me onto my bed with that irresistible, wicked smirk and starts riding me like a Harley. And when I tell her as much, she says that I don’t have to pretend not to notice them to make her feel better, but thanks me for trying anyway. Recently she told me that I’m too good for her, that she doesn’t deserve me, and that she’s just waiting for the day I’ll get tired of her problems and leave her. I have no idea how I stopped myself from crying when I first heard that, and I’m ashamed to say that I didn’t even sniffle by the fourth time J said it.

I will never, ever claim to know what this horrible disease has put her through, but I have dealt with my own self-esteem issues before, so I have no delusions that I can just “fix” her in a week with the power of love and compliments. But J isn’t broken, she isn’t a failure, she isn’t a problem, and even if she did lose her hair again, I would still think she’s just as beautiful as she is today. I guess what I’d like is some way to help let J see herself the way I see her. Not to “cure” her of her low self-esteem, but just to let her know that I love her, and that I think she’s a charming, sexy, intelligent, and just overall brilliant woman, no matter what her stupid immune system has to say about it.

Thank you,

Livin’ La Vida Lupus

DEAR LIVIN’ LA VIDA LUPUS: Damn it, LLVL, this is the first time in my career that I have the opportunity to make a “It’s Not Lupus” joke and you have to undercut me by making it a serious, emotionally tense issue.

But. Y’know. It’s not lupus. It’s the way that society teaches women that they’re only valuable when they’re beautiful and sexual and to downplay their own accomplishments, lest they seem immodest.

Let’s take Hermione, for example. Part of what made her a revolutionary character in YA fiction isn’t that she’s brilliant; it’s that she’s brilliant and doesn’t hide it. She’s smart, she knows she’s smart and it’s just how she is. Girls are taught over and over again that being visibly competent is a bad thing and that things like intelligence or talent are things to be apologized for or hand-waved away. Hell, you can see it with all the BS about Rey from The Force Awakens and The Last Jedi being a Mary Sue because she’s following the same arc as Luke Skywalker.

Having flaws are acceptable as long as they’re minor or quirky. Serious issues like, say, hair-loss – and not “gives you a beautiful shaved scalp” hair loss but “falling out in uneven clumps in the shower” hair loss – are hard to accept. Doubly so considering how much stock is put in gender presentation for women by having long, flowing locks of hair.

Your girlfriend has, in all likelihood, been hearing trash all her life about not showing off or being a know-it-all or being too proud or vain. And when she’s suddenly “deficient” (for suitably false definitions of deficient) in the areas where women are supposed to excel (but it’s better if they don’t realize it – looking at YOU, One Direction…). Mix that in with the difficulties of dating in general when you have a chronic condition, the literal pain of said condition, already existing low-self-esteem issues and… yeah, it’s going to seriously mess up somebody’s view of themselves.

But you know all that already. The big question right now is: what do you do?

Well, part of it is: tell her all the things that you just told me. She needs to hear all of that. But you also don’t – and shouldn’t – pretend that her flaws aren’t there. She knows you see them and pretending they don’t exist (which is what she thinks you’re doing) doesn’t help. Instead, acknowledge them but point out that they’re part of her and part of what makes her the person you love. She wouldn’t be who she is right now – the person you have chosen to be with – without all these component parts that add up to a bigger whole. Tell her this. Tell her this regularly, not just with words but with your actions and behavior. Holding her and telling her you care, quietly helping when she needs it, being her support when times are difficult, giving her space when she needs that instead… all those little ways of letting her know you’re there for her add up over time.

The other thing is to not lie. She believes you’re lying to make her feel better when you say that you’re OK with all of this. And just to be honest: yeah, dating somebody with a chronic condition can be hard. It can be frustrating. It can be tiring. And you feel like an asshole for feeling that way. But the fact is, even for those times when it is frustrating or exhausting, it’s ok because she’s worth it all to you. Hearing that moment of honesty from you might help it sink in that you’re not sticking things out until you can find an exit strategy, you’re in it because you want her, specifically.

I know that the traditional response is to quote Shakespeare’s sonnet 130, but I think that a better idea might be to acquaint her with the concept of kintsugi – repairing lacquerware and pottery in such a way that illuminates the breakage and repair instead of hiding it, usually by filling the cracks with gold or silver. It treats the process of repair as part of what makes the object unique and special by acknowledging it’s history. Your girlfriend isn’t broken by any stretch of the imagination, but she feels like she is. She has a condition and it sucks and pretending that it’s not there doesn’t help… but it also doesn’t make her less beautiful or desirable or special.

You know this. I know this. She needs to know this. Tell her.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I’ve got a very…odd situation with a woman friend that I’m “sort of” seeing. Let’s call her Alex. We’re not at the point of kissing, but our nights out and conversations tend to be somewhat more intimate than what would be expected of friends around here. She has a girlfriend but both she and Alex say they potentially wouldn’t mind a three-person relationship).

That’s not the situation I’m referring to here though.

Basically, Alex hates receiving compliments of any kind. And not in the sense that “oh she gets so embarrassed and flustered and blushes and she’s so damn cute I can’t help but tease her.”

I mean, she legitimately gets pissed off when someone compliments her for anything. Her personal rule is: If you want to compliment or praise her for something she accomplished, you have to have been there with her and witnessed her accomplishment first-hand. If you weren’t there and you try to compliment her, she reacts like she’s being sucked up to, that someone can’t truly appreciate or properly be impressed with her accomplishment because they weren’t there to see it themselves.

So…Yeah. She’s been described as coming from an alternate universe where compliments are insults.

I’m not going to speculate about whether she’s been diagnosed with anything, that would just be shitty. I simply consider it a personality quirk that I have to keep in mind if I want to be with her. And she’s not really meant to be the focus of this question; I’m more curious about the challenge it represents.

Namely, what non-verbal ways are there to show your appreciation and respect for someone and all they’ve done, but without simply complimenting her with “Good job!” or stuff like that? Again, we aren’t quite boyfriend/girlfriend yet, so I assume extravagant gifts and expensive fancy restaurants wouldn’t be appropriate. Despite how it may sound, our relationship is certainly not toxic. She has never tried to dictate or control what I say to her, and she has respected my own personal quirks as well. She’s simply made it clear what she likes and what she hates in regards to people speaking to her, but otherwise she has no interest in trying to force anyone to say or do anything.

Really interested in what you have to suggest, as well as what any of the site’s commenters can come up with.

Doesn’t Mind The Quirks.

DEAR DOESN’T MIND THE QUIRKS: That is… an interesting outlook on life, I guess? It kind of seems like a fun-house mirror version of the issue I mentioned in my response to LLVL – trying to avoid praise but feeling like accepting “undeserved” praise means you’re being immodest or conceited. Y’know. If you squint.

Well, she’s pretty much told you what the secret is: praise or compliment her for the things you do see or that she does for you. 

Failing that, if she can’t handle being praised, then simply make it about you. You appreciate what she’s done  – it was a great help, it’s something you hadn’t seen or experienced or thought of before, etc. The other option is to focus on the achievement itself, rather than the fact that she did it – especially if you can see the results in some way, shape or form. Thus, you’re saying that $THING is really cool in and of itself, however it happened or that other people must have appreciated that someone went through the trouble to do $THING or that $THING must have been difficult or challenging and it’s pretty impressive that it was accomplished. You’re basically paying a bank-shot compliment; the final result was cool or appreciated or what-have-you, with the unstated “…and you’re cool for having done it” hanging invisibly but making it’s presence known like perfume in the air.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)