DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I was in a relationship with a woman that lasted for two years (including a year of living together until financial obstacles ended that arrangement) and then a further two years of on-again-off-again. Most of the time, I was the one who ended things, until recently. The most recent started when we had gone to meet some friends of mine at a women-only gay bar that was having an open night for guys. While I was in the bathroom, my girlfriend had kissed another woman. When I confronted her about it, gently letting her know that although we hadn’t discussed our situation properly, I considered that close to infidelity. She said she thought she might be lesbian, something I was aware had been a possibility before we got together all those years ago. I had even prided myself on “turning her”, dumb as that sounds (we had joked about it).

Now, to be honest, I felt relief, believing that what was obviously not a sustainable relationship could now be ended through circumstances beyond our control. I offered to remain friends. And we did, for a while, until I started feeling like our dynamic seemed unchanged except for the absence of intimacy. I told her that I wanted to scale back our friendship and that I could not be relied on to be her go-to source of comfort and validation. She made it clear that she wasn’t interested in meeting up once in a blue moon and hanging out superficially, so we agreed to keep our distance.

And then things got bad. Due to both missing her, family problems and some escalating drug and alcohol use, I got what I’m pretty sure in retrospect could be classified as depressed. So when we bumped into each other in a bar a few months later and started hooking up again, I foolishly told myself that it was on again and all my problems would be solved. She did give me plenty of signs and indications that she didn’t want to keep hooking up until I finally took the hint. At the time I felt like she was ghosting me as if I was a persistent Tinder-date, and I resented her for not having “had the guts” to say it explicitly. Now, I realize I should have understood the situation (or rather, admitted to myself what was going on), and that I had no right dumping mye mental issues on her. So I stayed clear, avoided gatherings with mutual friends and cut off contact.

Then she got a boyfriend. My lesbian ex-girlfriend found a handsome, adventurous, charismatic, man’s-man boyfriend who she started a long-distance relationship with. This caused a personal crisis in masculinity on my part. Even though I knew that sexuality is a fluid and difficult thing that’s rarely black-and-white, even though I knew we had slept together after her coming out, it made me feel incredibly emasculated. Hearing hints and tidbits of information from mutual friends (who on the whole tried to not mention either of us to the other), taught me more than I probably needed to know about her sexual experiences with women and her relationship with him.

When they broke up, circumstances had changed for me and life seemed a lot better. I had a new job and was hanging out with a larger group of really great people, including our mutual friends. I felt ready to start meeting her again and catching up like old friends. However, her break-up being very recent, those conversations revolved around him, for which she apologized several times.

So here’s the rub, Doc, if you’re still with me. Cognitively, I know that her sexuality is her own business, and her experiences both sexual, romantic and otherwise have nothing to do with me or my own insecurities. I know that the characteristics of my “successor” do not diminish my qualities or impact on her life. I know that passing judgment (on either myself or her) after the end of our relationship is toxic BS.

But even though I’m not really heartbroken anymore, I can’t shake this feeling of emasculation. Of being the Best Actor in a Supporting Role, rather than the romantic lead in the movie of her life. Meeting her again, I realize that we are incompatible, and that all I really have left is a sort of muted affection – but the jealousy and insecurities and the need to prove my manhood bubble up.

So what did I miss? How do you move on from knowing that you’re projecting, that there’s this black little cloud inside you making these Madonna-Whore intrusive thoughts burst through? How do you find long-term interest in someone else when there’s this constant voice telling you to “re-conquer” your ex so you can validate your identity as a man?

How do you turn that knowledge into practical change?

Sincerely, 

A Neutered Housecat

DEAR NEUTERED HOUSECAT: Here’s what you’re missing: your ex’s new squeeze – no matter their gender, no matter how stereotypical they are in their presentation or not – has nothing to do with you. Your reaction, on the other hand, totally does.

The reason that this is tripping you up is that you seem really hung up on her sexuality. Yeah, you may be joking with her about how you “turned” her, but let’s be real: you were doing the “joking-but-not-really” bit. Yeah. it’s something you chuckle about but it’s also something you’re quietly proud of.

Now allow me to disabuse you of this notion.

No, you didn’t turn her. You didn’t “turn” anyone. Sexuality is a spectrum and a sliding scale at that and when a person’s junk is involved, logic goes out the window. There are men and women at the far ends of the Kinsey scale who have found times that suddenly there’s this person who gives them sweaty thoughts and sticky dreams… and they’re absolutely not their preferred gender. Gay men suddenly realize they’re into a woman, straight men realize they can’t stop thinking about how soft another guy’s lips may be and lesbians realize that the person they’re fantasizing about is dude. Sometimes it’s a case of finding out that they’re more bisexual than they realized. Other times, it’s literally a single-target sexuality; that person is the exception to their sexual preference for whatever reason.

So the fact that you dated someone who was lesbian-identified or bi-curious didn’t “change” her sexuality or turn her, it just meant that there was something about you that she dug. Maybe you were an exception, maybe she was bi, who knows. But the issue is in how you made her sexual identity so front and center of things. That’s part of why Dirk Chestmeat is so challenging to you. If you were sleeping with a lesbian, it meant that you were special. But once Dirk Chestmeat was in the picture… well hell, then he must be even more special than you were. Your magic wand is clearly less potent than his blasting stick because your lesbian ex is with the butchest hunk of man-meat she could find.

This is why it’s bugging you so much. You’re wanting to plant your flag again – as it were – because you want to reaffirm that you were the one who “changed” her. It’s not her specifically, it’s what she represents. Until she banged out with another dude post-coming-out, you were ANH: The Lesbian Whisperer. And now that Crunch ButtSteak came on the scene, it diminishes you. Either you weren’t that special to begin with, or if you “turned” her, then he super-duper turned her.

But here’s the thing: you were never in the mix. I can all but guarantee you that when she started sleeping with Biff Hardcheese, you were the furthest thing from her mind. She wasn’t weighing his manliness against yours. She was with him because she wanted to be with him, specifically. Just as she wasn’t sleeping with you despite her sexuality because you’re just that manly, she was sleeping you because she liked you.

I say this with all sincerity and absolutely no sarcasm:  it’s hard to process that you’re not the center of her universe, especially when she’s still the center of yours. You were a part of her life, but you weren’t her entire life. She wasn’t thinking about you when she decided to go date Slab Squatthrust, she’s thinking that there’s something about him that appeals to her. Maybe she dug his masculine energy. Perhaps he sings a beautiful tenor. Maybe he had hidden depths that you don’t see. Maybe he can lick his eyebrows and breathe through his ears. Here’s the thing: you don’t f

king know because you’re not there. Doesn’t even matter what your mutuals told you; they don’t know the full story either, and they weren’t getting the full story either.

So what do you do? You let this go. You stop digging into the wound that is her sleeping with other people, you stop paying attention to her sexploits and you just handle your shit. Quit treating getting up in her as “planting a flag” or otherwise validating anything about you. Make up your own closure and stop letting absurd ideas about sexuality define the strength of your masculinity. Her sexuality has nothing to do with yours and the sooner you accept that, the happier you’ll be.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I’m a divorced father of 2 kids. I started dating my current girlfriend – call her R –  about a year after my ex and I split.  We’ve been together for about a year and a half now, and I’m wondering how to proceed… 

When we first met and R learned I had kids, she expressed no interest whatsoever in having kids of her own, or really wanting anything to do with mine.  She doesn’t hate kids, like some Disney villain, she’s just not interested.  

Because we had started pretty casually, I was fine with that, and just implemented a very clear separation.  I wasn’t planning for it to be long term, wasn’t looking to get remarried or find a “new mom” for them.  

We agreed that any time I was with the kids – usually a couple times a week – she just wouldn’t be around.  R was eventually introduced to them as a friend of mine in a very large social setting, and they like her fine, see her every once in a while, but it’s never been more than that.

That’s gone on successfully for over a year and a half now.  When I had my boys, we’d do father/son stuff.  When the kids were with their mom, R and I would get together and go out dancing, dinner dates, good sex, trips together, lazy days binge watching Netflix.  She gets along well with my friends and the small family I have in the area…all in all we’ve been having a great if somewhat superficial time together. 

I’m the kind of person who doesn’t mind alone time.  In fact as something of an introvert, I need it to recharge.  But R eventually started to resent the time we are apart – though she didn’t say anything at first.  And because she never said anything about it, I just kind of assumed she was okay doing her own thing on the days or weekends I was with my kids.

Recently we had a big talk about The Future, and Where This is Going, and R said she was having trouble dealing with the time apart.  She didn’t like not being allowed to come over when I had the kids, or having to plan our activities around them.  She said it wasn’t fair that when we weren’t together, I had them and she had no one else.

So she asked to start getting more involved in their life and to slowly start coming over and being around us as a family more.  And that’s where I’m stuck.

R’s fundamental position hasn’t really changed.  It’s not as if she suddenly likes kids, or wants to help raise mine – she doesn’t.  I suspect that she wouldn’t even really be around that much, and it’s more of a situation where she just wants the option.

I’m afraid of letting R get close to them and them getting attached and then her deciding it’s too much and bailing, or of the kids making requests that she’s not prepared to deliver on.  I also don’t want to have to split my attention between her and the boys when we are all together.

And lastly, I LIKE the arrangement we have now, though I do recognize it’s not exactly equitable on both sides.  I get the best of both worlds, while she’s being told she has to keep her distance when the kids are around.  

My marriage fell apart in large part because I gave up a lot for my partner and ended up resenting it.  I almost never got what I wanted and just went along with it because I thought that’s what I was supposed to do as a husband and it ultimately created a very toxic situation.  So now my instinct is to say “What we have now is all I am prepared to offer.  If it’s not good enough, I understand, and I wish you the best.”0

Should I stick to my guns, or try incorporating her into my kids’ life and see?  Am I being over protective of the boys?  Or am I just using them as an excuse to keep things casual with her even though she wants something more serious?  Is she too needy?  Or am I being selfish?  All of these things at once?

Sincerely,

Somewhat Stuck

DEAR SOMEWHAT STUCK: Here’s the thing about dating as a single parent, SS: your kids come first. They’re going to get the lion’s share of your time. The decisions about who you date and the way your relationship is going to progress basically has to go through the filter of “how will this affect my children?” This is why it’s generally not a good idea to introduce one’s current squeeze to the kids until things are getting serious. Like, long-term commitment serious.

This is doubly true if they’re old enough to form solid memories – around 5 or 6 years. You don’t mention how old your kids are, but the younger they are, the more likely it is that they’ll be hurt if they bond with her and then she suddenly leaves. That ain’t fair to them. So setting a fairly clear line between your relationship with someone and your relationship with your kids at first is pretty good parenting over all. It may not be fair to your girlfriend, but your kids come before everything else.

I have a certain amount of sympathy for the frustration of a partner having to give up time with her new squeeze for someone else but frankly, that’s part of the price of entry for dating a single parent. It comes with the territory and it’s something you have to accept is going to be a permanent part of the relationship.

This is why some of the things in your letter set my Spidey-sense tingling. It doesn’t seem as though she accepts that your kids are more than inconveniences. And when she says things like “It’s not fair because you have your kids and I don’t have anyone”… well, that’s when my Spidey-sense goes from tingling to car-alarm levels. That strikes me as being really unhealthy. Neither does the part of “well I don’t actually want to spend time with your children, I just like having the option.” That… doesn’t strike me as being terribly healthy for you, your kids or your relationship.

And I have a question for you: why are you dating someone who seemingly just tolerates you having kids? Children aren’t something you can compromise on. They’re a vital part of who you are. It’s not like she can reasonably say “ok, I tried being a parent, it didn’t work, time to send them back,” nor can she really just leave it all to you. Being neutral on your kids isn’t that much of a step up from “definitely doesn’t like them”; benign emotional neglect is still neglect. Kids are emotional creatures and when a parental figure doesn’t love them back, that can really hurt.

I get that you like her, but I’m going to be blunt here: I think R is the wrong person for a serious relationship. There’s nothing wrong with not wanting children, but that’s not something that can co-exist with a serious relationship with a single parent. A serious relationship with a single parent is a “love me, love my kids” situation… and your squeeze doesn’t. That’s pretty much the definition of a dealbreaker.

Plus, it doesn’t sound like you want something more serious. That may be selfish, but you aren’t obligated to get serious with someone just because they want it. It may mean having to end the relationship, but it’s better to end things and let everyone find a relationship that they do want then try to shove square pegs into round holes.

If I were you, I’d be asking myself some serious questions about the future of this relationship, SS. As it is: stick to your guns.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a gay male graduate student, so dating isn’t something that I get a lot of time to do. And ignoring the fact that dating within your own department can be treading on thin ice, there are only 3 other dudes in my department none of whom are gay so I’d be outta luck anyway. As if meeting people in grad school wasn’t hard enough! So I made online dating profiles on OKCupid and Plenty of Fish.

I mostly ignore it because it’s mostly solicitations for casual sex or just a barrage of pictures of dudes’ junk. Every couple of weeks I’ll go through a messages and reply and send a few messages out to interesting profiles. Mostly they end with solicitations for casual sex or more pics. Or it just kind of falls off… my theory is that some people start to feel awkward when sex isn’t broached and we have polite conversation for too long… or I’m just boring because I’m a graduate student and talking about my work probably doesn’t interest many people.

A few weeks ago I had a particularly great conversation. We traded numbers and I thought for sure I’d start getting raunchy text messages but we just talked on the phone. And I love talking on the phone with him. Things moved rather fast, our first date was a camping trip (despite the online dating world’s warnings to only go on public dates) and I really like him… but now I’m out of my element… he’s a trucker. And I mean, I suppose it’s kind of a blessing because when I’m working ~13 hours a day for a week he’s on the road all week so we call each other at the end of the day. He puts up with me complaining about classes, TA-ing, my advisor, and the fruitlessness of my research even if he can’t relate and I listen to him talk about his frustrations. So we at least relate on the level that we both are doing what we love but can have really shitty days. I feel that is enough for me. But as we start getting more serious and our relationship keeps going I’m getting nervous. I come from an educated family (both my parents and my older brother and his wife all have PhD’s and I’m working on mine) and I’m dating somebody with just a high school diploma. And it doesn’t bother me, but the prospect of how my family will react gives me so much anxiety. And I don’t want to bring it up with him because I don’t want him to feel like he’s not good enough because he’s great, he’s probably too good because I’m the one having second thoughts on something so trivial. I don’t know.

He hasn’t met many people in my department yet or my friends. We mostly just call each other and maybe plan a camping trip every couple of weekends. But I wouldn’t be ashamed if he met them. Many of the people in my department date others that don’t pursue higher education. It seems to keep them grounded and stem some of the insanity that academia generates… maybe I’ll talk to them after I send this question in. But in the meantime…

What do I do?

Outta My Element

DEAR OUTTA MY ELEMENT: Never let it be said that life can’t imitate art, especially when it starts to imitate a Nicholas Sparks novel. Here we’ve got the upscale (sorta… I know what grad school does to your finances) educated, classy young man falling for the blue-collar worker. How could they possibly work out! Will their differences in class and life experiences drive them apart? What will the family think?

Here’s what I think: it sounds like he makes you happy. That really should be the end of things.

Now I know I talk about how opposites don’t attract and we tend to prefer people who are similar to us, but that doesn’t mean you’re restricted to only dating near-clones. From the sound of things, if you leave out the white collar/blue collar divide, you’re insanely compatible. You have complimentary work-schedules, which means you both understand the pressures that your jobs put you under. You respect each others’ careers and interests even if you don’t necessarily share them, you provide each other with emotional support, you’ve got shared interests in common and clearly you’ve got enough chemistry to start your own Pollos Hermanos franchise… wait, what’s the problem again?

The thing to keep in mind is that an education doesn’t necessarily equate to intelligence or ambition or culture or even future financial success. Yes, there’re all the stereotypes about truckers being anti-intellectual, uncultured meatheads… but like all stereotypes, they tend to dissolve when you actually get to know somebody. If he’s shown you what an awesome guy he is, then let him show your family as well. The key in this case is to not treat his being a trucker or only having a high-school diploma like it’s something shameful. It’s part of who he is and – let’s face it – right now, having an advanced degree mostly means that you’re eyeballs deep in debt.

Instead of putting the focus on his career, let the focus be on him. Tell your family about how much you’re crazy about him, why he’s awesome and how he makes you feel. Let him impress them with his personality, his intelligence, his charm and ambition. His job is a detail, not the whole person. Let them get to know him and hopefully they’ll understand just what makes him so special… and the fact that he makes you happy. And let’s be honest: that’s the most important part.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I’ve got a question for you! I’m a nerd (in the sense that I’m unabashedly enthusiastic about the things I like!) girl with a few previous relationships under my belt, but nothing serious (other than a fling that ended in sexual assault) during my past few years in college. So I’m a little inexperienced in the ambiguity of the university dating scene. 

I’ve started seeing someone (that I met in the library!) over the past month or so and it’s great. He’s intelligent and motivated, a genuinely good person and gosh do I find him attractive. I’ve really enjoyed our conversations and physical chemistry, but here’s the thing—a week or so ago we stumbled into the “defining the relationship” talk and I found out that he doesn’t want a serious relationship. He stressed how much he cares about me and my happiness, but as he’s spent most of his college years in a long-term relationship and he doesn’t currently have the time for a serious relationship, he just wants to keep doing what we’re doing. We’re both incredibly over-committed between classes, multiple jobs, and service work, so I’m completely fine with just seeing him around the library and on the weekends. 

But I’ve always been told that if a guy wants to be with you, he will, and excuses just mean he doesn’t care that much. I feel like I’m supposed to be indignant and end it for some (future, unnamed) person that would want to actually date me. I’ve never had a problem with confidence but I’m terrible at being the proud, cares-less-than-you person in any kind of romantic entanglement. I like being straightforward, unashamedly expressing my feelings, and I know I won’t be able to compartmentalize and not care about this guy. Is that okay? Or is it a recipe for disaster? I’m a little nervous that I’ll get crushed, but I think the risk might be worth it for the life experience. 

Oh and sex currently isn’t involved because I love my faith and I’m not sure yet whether sleeping with him would violate that…but when we discussed it, he’s said it’s something he’ll want eventually and I think I might too. Do you think there’s any way this could turn out okay? Or will I be the sad cliché of the girl who gets emotionally invested in a murky pseudo-relationship situation? He really does seem to care about me (and handled my wanting to take it slowly because of the assault thing fabulously) but in my little binary dating world, that seems incompatible with not wanting a serious relationship. Help? 

Confused College Student

DEAR CONFUSED COLLEGE STUDENT: So he doesn’t want a serious relationship. Considering what you’ve described about both of your schedules, I’m not surprised. Relationships take work and from the sounds of things, both of you are insanely busy. Trying to maintain a relationship on top of your coursework, jobs and so forth is going to be one more added level of stress that could drive both of you nuts and end up killing what was an otherwise satisfying and happy relationship.

I think part of the problem here is the use of the word “serious” that’s tripping you up and getting you hung up on the idea of a dating binary of “you are or you aren’t”.  Being in a casual relationship doesn’t mean that you don’t care about one another or that you’re not concerned with the other person’s happiness, it just means that there isn’t an inherent expectation of commitment or exclusivity. You’re two people who like going out on dates, enjoying each other’s company and fooling around a little without any assumptions that this is leading towards something more committed – moving in together, getting married, etc.

Think about it: he’s recently out of a long term relationship and is also insanely busy. It’s understandable that he doesn’t necessarily want to be in something that feels more meaningful than just two people having fun together.

Now, you’ve talked about how he feels about your relationship and what you’ve been told… but you’re not saying how you feel about things. It sounds to me like you feel like you’re supposed to want a serious-with-a-capital-R Relationship… but you’re not sure that’s what you actually want. After all, you’re enjoying things as they are now and you’re just as overloaded in terms of work as he is.

Are you getting anxious because you’re hoping for something super-serious and committed? Or because you’ve been taught that this is what you’re supposed to be driving for at all times?

I mean, by all signs, he’s shown that he cares. He’s been conscientious of your boundaries and your experiences and he’s been up front about what he wants and what he’s hoping for. These are all signs that he’s a genuinely good guy, not somebody who’s just stringing you along because he’s hoping to get his dick wet and to drop you like a bad habit as soon as he does. And like I said: not necessarily wanting a serious relationship at this point in his life doesn’t mean that he doesn’t like you or that he’s not into you.

Here’s what I suggest: have another “defining the relationship” talk but instead of assuming that you both know what you mean by “serious relationship”, start defining terms. Does he mean that he wants to be non-exclusive? That he doesn’t want to feel like the relationship is leading to something more permanent? That he doesn’t have the time to handle anything more than “getting together as schedules permit”? All of the above? What do you see as a “serious” relationship? You both may be coming at this from completely different angles and getting caught up in misunderstandings. Taking the time to hash things out and making sure you’re both on the same page will go a long way towards helping to ease your concerns and giving you more certainty about just where you stand. And who knows: things may change down the road. You don’t have just one defining the relationship talk and then you’re locked into whatever you’ve agreed to or else. People change and evolve over time; he may come to a point that yes, he wants something more committed with you. Or you might decide you don’t want something serious either and would rather play the field more. Don’t let yourself get locked into a dating binary that doesn’t actually exist.

And remember: all relationships end until one doesn’t. Just because a relationship didn’t conclude with one or the both of you dying doesn’t mean that it was a failure, it just means that this particular relationship has run it’s course.

Have the conversation. Make sure you’re both talking about the same things. And honestly: if you’re happy with the relationship as it has been, if you two care for one another and you’re ok with the understanding that you’re not headed towards a more long-term commitment, then just relax and let yourself enjoy it for what it is rather than stressing out about what it isn’t.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m in a real bind.

I decided sometime in college and post-grad that I’m not a “relationship guy”. It’s not something I was 100% closed off to, but I decided it was not something I would actively pursue either. I’ve been in several casual relationships since then, some which ended ok and others not so great. But I remained fairly certain I was not ready for a commitment of any sort.

This has changed somewhat with the current woman I’m seeing, let’s call her M. When we first met, I had just gotten out of a casual relationship that ended really badly and left me very hurt. She basically ghosted on me and it really sucked cause we were very close. So when M mentioned that she wasn’t looking for a relationship, that it’s something she did a lot before but wasn’t feeling anymore, I was cool with that.

Then we had our first date, and I totally fell for her. We clicked on a fundamental level. We joked and laughed the entire time and I don’t think either of us stopped smiling for long. Not quite love, but I felt a strong connection and wanting for her. Usually I keep my options open when I’m seeing someone but I knew then I only wanted to see M.

Confession time: we do work together and she is technically one of my managers. I realize the risks in seeing someone you work with (or under) but I decided it was something I was willing to risk. We make it work for the most part and I’m only including this detail cause I feel it’s relevant to the situation.

We went on more dates and things were going great. I’m feeling these impulses I’ve never quite felt before, and I’m putting an effort to be romantic more than I ever have. It just flows naturally when I’m with her, and she seemed receptive to all of it. Little by little I started to open up to the idea of being with her long term.

Then one night I text M saying that I really like her. She responds by saying that I should know she’s not looking for a relationship or anything, that she definitely likes the time we spend together but wants to make sure we keep it casual.

After some brief thought, I told M I was cool with that, but I admit was kind of blindsided. Not because I didn’t think she meant it when she said didn’t want a relationship, but because I was under the impression from our interactions that like me she was maybe warming up to the idea of “being together”.

It’s also confusing because the way we interact when we hang out feels a little more than casual. We do what I would consider more or less “boyfriend/girlfriend” things: We go out on dates, we have dinner and drinks (sometimes breakfast). We snuggle a lot and don’t go just straight to sex when we spend time together. And the sex itself is great, and feels (to me at least) emotional and meaningful. We text almost every day. She also does nice things for me, and vice versa. I’ve bought her little gifts just to cheer her up a bit. One night after I had a truly awful day at work, she invited me over and talked me through it. She has a busy schedule and we both had work early the next morning but she let me spend the night with her anyway. None of this seemed to be a problem until I told her I really liked her. I admit that I became quite emotional over this as well, wondering if there’s something wrong with me, or if what I feel for/from her is “real” or imagined.

Truth be told we have only hung out outside of work six times in the last two months, though I do see her every day at work. We flirt and joke a bit but, since we have to be secretive it’s tricky. Are my feelings just moving way too fast? I just moved alone to a new city just under a year ago (she also moved out here recently) and I might just be bringing that baggage into this, plus the baggage from my last casual relationship.

M’s response made me pause and rethink what exactly it is I’m looking for. All I know for certain is that I want to keep seeing her, and doing what we’re doing. I figure I’m getting about 70% of what I would want from a potential relationship with her anyway, minus seeing her more often and literally calling her my girlfriend. And honestly, I do feel that she genuinely cares about me from how she treats me. And I know I genuinely care about her.

I just worry that “casual” to her might mean “I see an expiration date on us, and will leave when I’m bored”. But if it’s casual meaning “I want to keep things uncomplicated and not have to plan my life around another person”, then I can make it work as that’s more or less what I would consider a healthy kind of “casual”. I also don’t want to inadvertently get my hopes up for her changing her mind. I know some relationships start off casually, but I feel that hoping for that is an easy way to get real hurt.

Thing is, for this to work I have to actually tell her all of this and have the dreaded Talk. I just have no idea how to tell her everything I just said without totally scaring her off. What do I do Doc? How do I have the Talk with her?

Sincerely,

Doesn’t Wanna Ruin a Good Thing

DEAR DOESN’T WANNA RUIN A GOOD THING: So, I’m not going to go into the logistics of “here’s how many times you need to see each other to reasonably catch feels,” DWRAGT. The fact that you’ve only seen each other outside of work a few times doesn’t necessarily equate to the viability of a relationship – especially considering you see each other every day and are in almost constant contact. After all, long-distance relationships work without couples having X numbers of dates per month. Time spent together is time spent together, whether it’s under the aegis of  being “a date” or “couple time” or not – especially if you’re secretly banging on the regular.

Instead, we’re going to talk about what you should be doing about this.

Let’s start with the obvious, DWRAGT: there’s the possibility that she doesn’t have the same feelings for you that you have for her. People in relationships can have entirely different levels of feelings for one another. One person may be having the head-over-heels, followed-around-by-cartoon-hearts-and-cupids feels for someone, their partner may enjoy their company, love the sex and otherwise like them as a person… but not feel that capital-L Love. Or infatuation, really.

This isn’t inherently a bad thing, nor does this doesn’t mean that the relationship is inherently doomed – any more so than the usual fact that all relationships end until one doesn’t. There are relationships out there where one partner is considerably more invested than the other. As long as everyone is on the same page, is cool with it and commits to treating each other with respect, those relationships can work. It’s a matter of accepting that difference in commitment as part of the price of admission for that relationship.

These relationships tend to have shorter lifespans than ones that are more in balance… but length of time together doesn’t equate to the success or failure of the relationship.

Now let’s start with the next most obvious thing: you could very well have a different definition of what “casual” means from Em. Casual could mean “no expectation of monogamy”, or it could mean “we’re not moving towards moving in together/getting married/having kids”. It could mean “we don’t expect to see each other more than every couple of weeks” or “Two out of three ain’t bad.”

This is one of the reasons why it’s important to be clear and define your terms when you have any sort of “defining the relationship” talk. Assuming that your definition of what it means to be casual is universal is a very good way to end up having fights because you and your sweetie had entirely different understandings and one of you doesn’t see why it’s a big deal that they’re also banging someone else.

Now with all that having been said: it’s also important to realize that having decided your relationship was one thing doesn’t mean that it can’t change or grow from what it is now. After all: you are a different person than you were before; you used to be a “no strings” guy who’d really like some strings now. So it is with relationships. Friends with benefits  can turn into marriages, after all. So it’s not impossible that what you have now can change.

But the more important question is: what do you need right now? If you’re ok with the current situation, how long will you be able to live with it under the assumption that it will never change? If you knew with 100% surety that this would never be more than a 70% relationship, would you be able to deal with that for a month? Two months? A year?

Because unless you say something? That’s the situation that you’re looking at.

If you want things to be different, then you need to sit down and have a Defining The Relationship talk with her. Do you need more from this relationship than you’re getting? Then that good thing is going to end eventually… it’s just a question of how much frustration you’re willing to put up with until it does.

A relationship that isn’t right for you is like trying to cram your feet into a stylish pair of shoes that doesn’t fit. They may look great and you think you look like a badass wearing them… but that doesn’t change the fact that they just don’t fit and it’s gonna mess your feet up. You can try to double up on socks or stretch the shoes… but ultimately, your choice is either wearing shoes that damage

your feet, or getting shoes that actually fit.

If your relationship doesn’t match what you need from it? Then as much as it ending may suck, it’s an ending that needs to happen so you can find one that does work.

But you will never know which it is until you sit down and talk with M about it. You need to schedule a time to sit and have that awkward conversation. You need to explain just what you want, why you’re afraid to bring it up to her, why you think these changes would be better and what they’d look like. And then you need to say “…and how about you?” because every relationship is about negotiation and compromise, and that means that you need to give her the space to advocate for what she may want or need from you.

Laying it out like this – here’s what I need to ask, here’s why I’m afraid to ask, here’s how I think things will improve, how about you? – isn’t a guarantee that you won’t scare her off, or that she’ll be instantly cool with changing the nature of your relationship. But it will make it easier to get things out there and have an open and honest conversation about your needs and where this relationship is going… without the pressure of “make a decision right now.” That is far more likely to scare her off than “Hey, just FYI, my feelings about this relationship have changed, and I’m wondering if you feel the same way too.”

And if nothing else, keeping the channels of communication open are important. Because while she may not feel the same way you do, that could change. Now, it may not change either. But unless you two can talk about it? Then you’ll never know.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I’ve been friends with someone who we will call Alpha for two years. We have an odd friendship where we recognize that we both have feelings for each other but never act on them romantically, because I met him the same time I entered a relationship with my current boyfriend, Bravo. Originally Alpha admitted his feelings and offered to be the third in my relationship, but my boyfriend was uninterested in being poly and I wasn’t too sold on the idea either.

Despite this, Alpha and I were very close, he shared intimate parts of himself with me, while I typically shared in a more calculated way, to ensure boundaries for myself. I hate to admit that when we were together, it seemed as if we were a couple, but it was that way. Thankfully we caught ourselves in moments of intimacy where it could have been a problem, such as him almost kissing me once, and occasional cuddling. Nothing too spicy but still something that made me feel guilt ridden in regards to my current boyfriend. In between this time, he has a dated a few people and they never seemed to work on, always falling back on our friendship.

Recently, I decided enough was enough and that we needed to create firm, spoken boundaries. So I told him that we needed to cast away the odd, romantic side our of friendship in favour of something more platonic (still maintaining closeness but differently), in order to be fair to everyone involved. He agreed.

Then for a month and a half, he stopped talking to me. He was incredibly flaky. It was difficult to get a hold of him, or make plans with him. I confronted him about this and he explained that his old female friend, who we’ll call Charli, was back in his life and he started a new relationship with someone else, so he had been making more time for them. He apologized and assured me he would do better, we got back to semi-regular communication.

(Backstory on Charli: An originally close friend of Alpha for the past 5 years, who stopped regularly communicating with Alpha as she started a relationship with someone 2 years ago.)

Then he sent me a message explaining how much he loves Charli and how he isn’t sure how he ever got through life without her, along with how glad he is that she is back in his life. Charli is not his girlfriend, therefore he also explained how he isn’t sure how he was going to navigate his new relationship and his friendship with Charli.

This was incredibly hurtful for me because he did not at all acknowledge our background nor did he consider my feelings before sending this message, proclaiming a love for Charli, which he once denied. It also made me realize that our friendship and our closeness, didn’t start until after Charli and Alpha stopped talking. This made me consider that my presence in his world was a replacement for his friendship with Charli. Especially in terms of the previous romantic intimacies and him ignoring me once she came back into the picture/cut off those intimacies. I explained a small portion of this to him and told him that I needed space away from him to think. Despite claiming that this wasn’t the case, he agreed to give me space.

Now he made a post on Facebook about how love can be in many forms and how we need to consider that friendship isn’t a consolation prize and when to walk away from love and when to try again. All of this felt like a passive aggressive reflection on our situation and to top it off, Charli commented proclaiming Alpha to be the best kind of friend and praising him on his wise words.

What should I do Dr. NerdLove? Do I have a conversation about how his behavior isn’t fair but still try to make the friendship work? Do I cut him out completely? Am I being unreasonable by considering his actions as hurtful and dismissive? 

I’m at a loss with how to manage this.

Thanks

Caught In The Middle

DEAR CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE: Y’know how I’m always saying “once is happenstance, twice is coincidence, three times is a message?”

Yeah, that doesn’t apply here. I know exactly what’s going on because I’ve done this myself.

What we have here is a serial Nice Guy – someone who will try to initiate and maintain a Schrödinger’s Relationship with a woman that pushes the boundaries of what could be considered a “platonic” relationship as far as he possibly can. This way he can try to edge his way towards the goal of bangin’ while still maintaining the plausible deniability of being Just Friends. Especially if she has a boyfriend.

Now, it’d be one thing if the two of you had always had this flirty, intimate friendship because there was always an unspoken attraction there, but you’re handling it like adults. And to be fair:  you did exactly that. You laid down some boundaries and said “ok, we can’t keep doing this if we’re going to be friends”. But he didn’t. Once sex was no longer in the picture… well suddenly he’s not that interested in being friends anymore.

Now, maybe I could square this with “hey, I gotta take some time to get right with this, I’ll be back” if this didn’t happen to completely coincide with Alpha’s relationship with Charli. Because this is where it hits a pattern I know especially well.

Dude has a bad case of Oneitis — the idea that there’s a One Perfect Woman for him and nobody else will ever match her and so he can’t let go. Dude can’t handle that his crush is dating someone else and so looks for his replacement goldfish. And when you collapsed the waveform of Schrödinger’s Relationship… well, time for him to find another goldfish. And now here he is, new girlfriend in one hand, Charli in the other. And I will bet you the price of an imported beer that if Charli gives even the slightest hint that he’s got a chance with her, his current girlfriend will be out of the picture faster than I can snap the bottle cap off that Newcastle.

Because at the end of the day: I don’t think he wants you and I don’t think he wants his current girlfriend. He wants Charli. The whole bit about “friendship isn’t a consolation prize” on Facebook? That’s him making loud, protests-too-much-me-thinks declarations about how he’s sooooo over Charli so that he can shove Schrodinger’s Relationship into that box and start the process again.

(Granted, her “awww, you’re so wise and sweet” is one hell of a subtle curve thrown his way, but hey, I’ve been there and done that and printed the t-shirts. Never underestimate the power of sexual frustration to change how you see reality.)

Now the big question here is: what do you do about this? And I guess it all comes down to just how you feel about the fact that it seems likely that he was using you as a substitute for Charli. If he can quit being an jackass about things and maybe be a legitimate friend instead of a habitual line-stepper… well, maybe you can make things work. People do grow and mature after all. But if you do let him back in your life? I’d tell you to keep a certain distance and see how he behaves. If he starts pushing the intimacy lines again – especially if this coincides with Charli dating someone – then it’s better to cut him loose. Better to end a relationship – one that you had legitimate fondness for – than to be is replacement goldfish until Charli comes back again.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)