DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I would like to get some advice on the following topic: pornography in a relationship.

I’ve been in a 1 year relationship, I told him I have seen porn plenty of times before, but I don’t agree with the use of porn in a monogamous relationship. I live with him and I’m always available to take care of his sexual needs. I never say no to sex or any fantasies he might want to try. I told him about my view on porn in a relationship and he said he would stop. I later found it he hadn’t.

Of course, he’d lied and I freaked out. He said he did not realize it was that big of a deal and then assured me he actually wouldn’t watch it again. As a result, I have a hard time believing him. I still think he’ll do it once in a while if I’m not around. I’m not sure where to go from here, if I can let go of this issue, if there is a guy out there who would actually stop watching porn, or if I have to give up my ideals because of the way this society is set.

No Porn Please

DEAR NO PORN PLEASE: I feel that in the spirit of honesty, I need to preface this with the fact that I’m very unabashedly pro-porn. So with that in mind:

It wasn’t cool of him to lie about quitting watching porn. And you’re right, NPP: he’s probably going to watch porn when you’re not around. He’ll just be better at covering his tracks next time and making sure you’re not in the house when he does. 

But here’s the question I have for you: are you willing to pretend to believe him when he pretends that he doesn’t watch porn? Because quite frankly, he’s not going to stop any time soon, if at all. And, to be perfectly blunt, you’re going to have a hard time finding someone who DOESN’T watch porn.

Porn consumption is almost universal amongst men; it’s not completely accurate to say that there are two types of men – those who watch porn and liars — but it’s pretty damn close.

(The number of men who don’t is so small that they’re statistically insignificant.)

And porn has always been with us – as soon as we developed abstract reasoning and could interpret lines as humans, somebody was drawing people banging. Those nudes in art museums weren’t just artistic appreciations of the human form; most of them were scandalous at the time. Some, such as Manet’s Olympia caused major uproars within the public.

Now everyone has their right to have their opinions and feelings about porn. You’re well within your rights to dislike it and prefer to date men who (allegedly) don’t watch porn. I’m curious, however, as to what your objections are. The way you phrase your objections – that you don’t agree with it’s use in a monogamous relationship – makes me wonder if that you see it as being tantamount to infidelity or somehow affecting his attraction to you.

Here’s the cold hard truth about men and porn: while there’re some dudes who’re compulsive about porn and have issues with human intimacy, for most men porn is fantasy fodder. It’s something that gets as aroused and helps us get off. Most of the time, we stop thinking about it the minute we orgasm; it’s wham, bam, thank-you-glans and we’re back to business as usual.

The fact that you’re available to him at will doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s not going to want to just masturbate to something on PornHub. Don’t get me wrong: this isn’t a comment about you or how he feels about you and everything to do with men’s relationship with getting off. Masturbation isn’t (always) a barely-sufficient substitute for sex. Most of the time, we just want a no-fuss, no-muss orgasm, as quickly as possible without any preamble or post-petite-mort shenanigans. Porn helps make it quicker; we very, very rarely watch porn for the plot after all.

(Axel Braun’s parodies are the exception… dude puts a shocking amount of effort into them.)

The other thing is that people – men and women alike – like variety and novelty when it comes to sex and sexual partners; the Coolidge effect is a real thing, after all. For a lot of people, porn is a quick and easy to get that thrill of the new – the fantasy of sleeping with somebody else without actually going out and actually committing adultery. And if the idea that your boyfriend is attracted to other people is what bothers you… well, unfortunately your only two choices are to get over it or pretend to not know. Being in a monogamous relationship means that you’re choosing to not have sex with other people; it doesn’t mean that you don’t WANT to. That attraction doesn’t have anything to do with the strength of your relationship or how much you care for one another, it’s just how humans are wired. The fact that you both choose to not ACT on that attraction is the critical part. Otherwise you may as well be angry that the sun rises in the east and sets in the west.

I’ll be the first to admit: porn can be insanely problematic. It can be incredibly exploitive and objectifying of women, it reinforces awful gender stereotypes, and the less said about the treatment of people of color the better. It also gives many younger men completely absurd and unrealistic ideas about sex in general. But that doesn’t mean that your boyfriend’s porn-viewing is necessarily a problem. Unless he’s prioritizing porn and masturbation over you and neglecting you for Gianna Michaels, then he’s one of the 99.999% of men who just like to get off watching other people screw on occasion.

So what do you do about all of this? Well, it all depends. How much is the likelihood that your boyfriend is almost certainly lying about not watching porn going to bother you? Are you willing to turn a blind eye, to be willfully ignorant about his porn habit as long as he’s discreet and it doesn’t affect his sexual life with you? Because this is going to be the price of entry to the relationship with him. If it’s not a price you’re willing to pay then fair do’s… but you have to realize that your next boyfriend and the ones after him will likely also be watching porn and lying about it. They’ll just be better at hiding it.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  First, just want to say I’ve been a fan for years, and I’ve applied some of your lessons with great success in my social life. You’re awesome and your success is an inspiration to all of us nerdlings.

Here’s my problem. My one of my best friends, A, has moved back to town. We were really close in high school, even went to senior prom together but at that point there were no romantic feelings, just friendship.

We drifted apart in college a bit but every time we ran into each other we still had lots of personal chemistry. As you can probably guess where this is going, I fell for her during our time apart. Doesn’t exactly help that she’s gorgeous, does it? I eventually started to resent her some, thinking I’d somehow been replaced by her new friends. I complained about how selfish she was to all my new friends (cough hypocrisy cough) and built a narrative in my head about what a rotten person she was.

Strangely, every time that we reconnected, the cycle was knocked back to square one: best of friends, not talk for a while, longing, bitterness, gradual apathy. I was proud of myself because last year I thought I had really gotten past my dumb feelings and for the most part I still think I have. She’s bi and in a pretty strong relationship with a good girl.

Here’s something you’re probably not used to hearing in these letters: I’ll never be with this girl, I accept that and I want to go back to being the friends we were. My life is worse for not talking to her and since she’s been back we’ve had lots of fun the times we’ve hung out. But apparently, no one told my emotions about this newfound maturity. I crave her attention. I need her to text me back and I want to hang out every day. Oddly, there’s not a sexual/romantic component to these needs, just an urge to spend time with her. I don’t want the cycle to repeat itself, but I also want to stay in contact with her.

Hate to ask this of you, but how can I have it both ways?

Thanks for your help.

Oneitis In Recovery

DEAR ONEITIS IN RECOVERY: Things are never going to be the way they used to be, OIR, romantic feelings or no. You’ve both grown and changed. You’re not the same people that you were in high-school. You’ve had these shared experiences that were part of your life together while you were in high-school and then your lives diverged in college. You’ve both had all of these different experiences and lived different lives, made different choices and found different priorities in life. As a result, you’ve drifted apart. That tends to happen after high-school; it’s very rare that you stay tight with the exact same group of friends all of your life.

(Of course, I say that while still having a fairly close relationship with people I knew in kindergarten…)

Now, some people can pick up a friendship after years apart like no time has passed; some people can’t. This is one of those latter times. The problem that you’re having is that you’re still attached to this old, nostalgic version of A in your head, and the real A is stubbornly refusing to conform to that fantasy.

It’s understandable that you’re envious of A’s new friends; you miss her and want her back in your life again, like the good old days. But therein lies the conflict: you’re expecting things to be exactly the way they were in high-school with the two of you being close as Dipper and Mabel but that can’t happen. She’s not the same person she was; she has a new life, new interests and new friends. The more you try to force your relationship into that mold, the more that you’re both going to be unhappy with one another. You’re expecting her to follow the same script that you had in high-school but you’ve both left high-school behind.

You have to quit expecting your friendship to be exactly the same as it was back in the day. You’re a new OIR, she’s a new A and if you want this friendship to have a chance you have to start getting to know this new A.

Will treating A as the new person she is instead of your old friend mean that you’ll eventually go back to the same level of closeness that you had before? Well… I’d be lying if I said yes. There’s no guarantee that you’ll have that same level of intimacy that you had. People drift apart as they grow up; that’s just part of life unfortunately. But you won’t be able to have any kind of friendship with her if you don’t let go of the past and meet her on new terms and see where life takes you both. Accept that things are different and your friendship is going to be on new terms and you’ll be much happier than you are now.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I was hoping that you could possibly help me with a very difficult situation I’m in.

The girl I’ve been interested in for the past month, who is also quite a good friend of mine, has a boyfriend who is by no means a decent human being. The other day I discovered that he’s cheated on her a few times and I’ve decided that as a friend it’s my responsibility to tell her. I’m not sure if that’s the right decision, though, and I’m not sure HOW to tell her at all. If you could please weigh in on this, I’d seriously appreciate it! Thank you so much.

Waiting In The Wings

DEAR WAITING IN THE WINGS: Well, you asked, but I don’t think you’re going to like my answer.

Here’s what you do, WitW: you back the hell off.

First of all, let’s be honest here. Just between you, me and everyone reading this: you’re not doing this out of the goodness of your heart. You didn’t decide that it’s your responsibility to tell her because you are that good of a friend, you’re hoping that when you tell her she’s going to dump her cheating scumbag of a boyfriend and fly into your arms as the one who helped her see the truth. Which, to be perfectly frank, is a pretty sh

ty reason to deliberately insert yourself into the middle of somebody else’s relationship drama.

But for the sake of argument, let’s game this out a little. Let’s assume that either I give you my blessing to telling your crush about her supposedly philandering beau or you decided to go and tell her regardless. How, exactly, do you think she’s going to react? Here’s a hint: she’s going to take it badly. Under the best of circumstances, she’s going to be pissed off like nobody’s business. The only question is who she’s going to direct that anger at.

And the smart money says it’s going to be you. You may have noticed that people don’t appreciate bad news. In fact, we tend to get irrationally angry at the person who brings us the bad news, whether it’s their fault or not; there’s a reason why “don’t shoot the messenger” is a common phrase, after all. So you’re already starting off with your would-be hunny-bunny ticked off that you’re telling her that something’s rotten in Denmark.

But then there’s the next step: why should she believe you? Do you have proof? Do you have unquestionable proof that you can actually show her? Proof that couldn’t possibly be explained away? Because if you don’t, then it’s going to be your word against her boyfriend’s. And sure, her boyfriend may be an assbag, but he’s still her boyfriend. This gives him more credibility in her eyes than you have… especially if either of them know that you’ve got a crush on her. And believe me, if she doesn’t, he almost certainly does. This is going to be leveraged against you – you’re going to look like you’re lying up in order to break them up.

(And let’s be honest: that’s what you’re hoping for here.)

Now let’s add another wrinkle into the mix: what makes you so sure she doesn’t know already? Right now you’re working from limited information – you know he’s cheated on her. You don’t say you know when it happened, whether she found out before, whether he confessed or she confronted him and whether they’ve worked through it or not. For that matter, for all you may know, they may have an arrangement of one sort or another. So you’re going forward and telling her with the distinct possibility of re-opening old wounds, dredging up past problems or stumbling onto the fact that they were only socially monogamous. None of which is going to work out for you the way you’re hoping.

Let’s throw a third wrinkle: how’d you find out? Did you catch him in the act? Did you prowl through his phone or emails? Or did you hear it from the grapevine? Because she’s going to want to know… and she’s going to want to know why, exactly you were prying into her business. All of this is going to make a difference, because it’s going to be demonstrating your agenda rather strongly. And if you two aren’t honest-to-god BFFs – which, from the sounds of things, you’re not – it’s going to look like you went digging for dirt, even if we grant that your motivations were as pure as the driven snow. And that is going to bring you right back to that credibility problem.

But hey: let’s say that you manage to thread all those needles and she dumps her no good, scummy boyfriend. Assuming she doesn’t lash out at you for causing her break-up, she’s still not going to swoon into your arms. She’s going to be ticked off at men in general and in no mood for your trying to be the next in line… in fact, she’s probably going to resent it.

Women don’t appreciate it when guys suddenly assume the window of opportunity is open because they’ve literally just broken up with somebody. She’s going to need some time to recover and your hanging around in order to help her through this ordeal is going to start verging rather seriously into Nice Guy territory.

In short: you’ve got yourself your basic no-win scenario. And you’re not going to Kobayashi Maru your way through this.

This isn’t your business. Your getting involved is only going to add another layer of drama to somebody else’s relationship. And even under the best of circumstances, it’s going to end badly for you.

Leave it alone.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  Got a question for you, Doc. I’m a lady who recently took the initiative and found I had some chemistry with a guy and asked him out. We’re in the same fandom world, and finding nice and normal people among us is very rare. Being totally generic for the purposes of protecting identities, we became friends by mutually respecting what we’ve contributed to our fandom.

I started to reach out to him on email a few months ago. We had a few conversations, in which he threw in some comments seemed like bad attempts at flirting. Not everyone has game, right? But after initiating a few conversations, I decided to let him reach out to me, and he didn’t. OK. Fair enough. Moving on….

Then I reconnected him at a recent event, and he started reaching out to me with gusto – emails, pictures (clothed!), etc. He even admitted to basically stalking me on social media, though he doesn’t really have a social media presence himself.

So after a few weeks of email flirting, I decided to be a grown-ass woman and ask him out. I was bold and direct (and funny). What I got back was a long, rambling email where he admits to being in relationship with someone else, but he doesn’t want to lose what “we have.” I’ve never seen evidence of him having a significant other, and I’d be really pissed off if a boyfriend of mine was having this kind of relationship with another woman.

There have been a few short email exchanges since my rejection. He’s done all the reaching out – I suspect either to take my temperature to see if I’d still talk to him or checking in to make sure I haven’t sunk into a vast depression (trust me, I haven’t).

What is up with men and their hidden relationships? Maybe his rambling was a nice way to hide that he just wasn’t into me like that? Since I’ll run into this guy at upcoming fandom events, what do I do? Honestly, I feel totally embarrassed and humiliated. I kind of want to tell him to go to hell, but I don’t want to be the bitter jerk who hates him because he turned me down. I also want to avoid him, but that gets exhausting, too. Trust me, if I had any idea he had a long-term GF or would turn me down, there’s no way in hell I would have asked him out in the first place. What was he doing starting this kind of relationship with me in the first place? Do I bother to continue a friendship which he seems to want even though I know it will never be enough for me?

Thanks,

Thoroughly Confused

DEAR THOROUGHLY CONFUSED: There are a lot of possibilities here TC. It’s possible he was stringing you along because he liked the flirty attention you were giving him. He might have had a crush on you and was enjoying the thrill of new relationship energy and the frisson of a mutual attraction from somebody besides his girlfriend. Or it’s entirely possible that after you reconnected, he decided you were cool and wanted to be friends.

I can’t say for sure one way or another – after all, I wasn’t there, and without interviewing you both and reading the transcripts, it’s kind of hard to say whether he was flirting or not. And if he was indeed flirting then there is a question of how much of it was just flirting because flirting is fun and how much of it was flirting with intent.

All that being said: I don’t think he was leading you on, and I don’t think he was deliberately hiding the fact that he had a girlfriend. Considering that you’re running in similar circles – fandom tends to be a small world, after all – it’s entirely possible that he assumed you knew he was seeing someone. Why didn’t he bring her up when you were talking? Well, again: I haven’t seen the transcripts, but it’s possible that the topic just didn’t come up. I’ve had many, many conversations with my friends – men and women both – where we don’t talk about our significant others simply because there’s no call to. It’s possible – even advisable – to have a life outside your relationship after all.

I also am willing to bet that he had no idea you were into him. When you straight-up asked him out, he suddenly realized that you two weren’t on the same page and suddenly things got awkward. Or maybe he had a clue that you liked him but was willing to ignore it in hopes that you’d end up romantically interested in someone else and you wouldn’t have this nascent infatuation between the two of you.

Either way: sh*t done got weird. So now what?

Before I get into what to do about this, I want to address your question about what was he doing starting a relationship with you at all. Something to keep in mind is that guys tend to have more emotionally intimate friendships with women than they do with other men. It’s a lot easier for guys to open up to women than it is for other guys; no matter how much people may talk about bromances, being open and emotionally intimate with another dude is still seen as being unmanly. Even the term “bromance” carries the “ha ha, it’s kind of like you’re dating” pointed nudging and and not-quite joking, and guys can be uncomfortable with this. So, we often seek out intimacy from our female friends, who tend to be less judgmental and more accepting of emotional openness. If you look at it from one angle, yeah, it can kind of look like a romantic connection… but it’s more about fulfilling an emotional need than trying to start an amorous relationship or conduct an affair.

But all that aside, the immediate question is: what do you do now that this is all out there, flopping around on the table like an Awkward Turtle? Right now, you’re feeling humiliated and probably a little angry. And I don’t blame you: you put yourself out there, you got rejected and that sucks. Getting rejected LITERALLY hurts. 

Take some time to let the sting fade and the anger cool off. Once you’ve gotten past the immediate pain, you’re going to see that it’s not as bad as it seems. Liking a dude who doesn’t like you back the same way isn’t embarrassing. Getting turned down, while painful, isn’t something to be ashamed of. All that happened is that you found out that the two of you weren’t compatible. In the end, there’s really no harm, no foul. It’s hard to see it now, but with time and perspective, this will end up being one of the things you look back on with amusement as one of the wackadoo parts of the dating game.

So where do you go from here? He clearly hopes to continue your friendship. As I’m always telling men, one of the issues with being in the Friend Zone is that you’re choosing to stay there. You say that being friends isn’t going to be enough for you – fair enough, that’s a valid choice. Just don’t treat his wanting to be friends as though he’s offering you the booby-prize, or that being friends is a poor substitute for romance.

If you don’t want to be friends with him and you don’t want to spend the rest of your time avoiding him whenever you might be at the same event, then I suggest you be straight with him. Tell him that he’s a cool guy and you like him, but you were hoping for something more. Let him know that trying to be friends with him would to be painful for you and it’s not fair to either of you to try and continue things when you’re longing for something he isn’t able to offer you. And then you just let things drift apart. If you happen to run into each other at events, then be polite, say hi and just keep going. If things get awkward, then just acknowledge the awkwardness. It doesn’t have to be a teeth-grindingly uncomfortable situation unless you let it be.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m worried I may have overstepped my bounds.

I’m not the most socially skilled guy in the world, and while I keep in decent shape, I’m not going to be on the cover of GQ any time soon. The few relationships I’ve had were the result of the woman metaphorically clubbing me over the head and saying “Hey I’m interested, let’s hook up.” One worked well but ended when I had to move cross country for family issues, and the other was a train wreck because I wanted a relationship and she wanted mindless sex 24/7.

Several months ago the gas station around the corner hired a new attendant, which is pretty normal. The manager is a jerk and pretty clueless so they tend to replace employees faster than a jock changes his underwear. Since I’m in and out about twice a day I still try to take the time to get to know the new people, and since I had once worked there I occasionally offer advice or will do small things on the sales floor that need taken care of if I’m not in a hurry — stuff like starting another pot of coffee, restocking the fountain drink cups and lids, or venturing into the cooler to restock sodas if they aren’t readily available are easy enough. They only take a few seconds and don’t require going into “employee only” areas.

This young woman is actually pretty good at the job, and remarkably has managed to stick around for five months, when she’s working and I go in things are usually taken care of or being taken care of. She had a few problems starting that I helped out with like walking her through using the register and such, but the thing that confuses me is from the very start any time she sees me she starts blushing, it took her almost a month to be able to talk to me without tripping over her words which I’ll admit I found a bit amusing though I avoided teasing her about. I’ve seen how she deals with other customers (Go into a gas station between 4-5pm and it’s hard not to see how they deal with other people) and I know that the behavior isn’t normal for all of her customers. We’ve never had a chance to talk for long since I don’t want to get her in trouble but we do have similar interest and I’ve gotten the impression from her and things her co-workers that are friends have told me that she’s a genuinely great person.

Being demisexual I don’t really actively look for relationships and I rarely date but I want to give this a try. Knowing approaching her at work was probably the worst way but lacking any other option I told her I’d like a chance to hang out with her and get to know her outside of work some time and wrote my number down for her last month and asked her to call when she got a chance. A few days later though she got promoted to assistant manager and has been working 12 hour shifts 6 days a week, at the same time we seem to have taken a step back as any time she sees me she her face turns the same color as her hair and she suddenly comments to a co-worker loud enough for me to hear about something in the back area that she needs to do and vanishes. Is there some way to figure out if I over stepped a boundary Doc or do I keep acting like nothing has changed? I really would like to get to know her and see if there is the potential for a relationship, if nothing else I think it would be worthwhile to have her as a good friend.

Just Trying To Help

DEAR JUST TRYING TO HELP: Let’s talk about perception for a moment, because you’re seeing this one way, but I can promise you that just about everyone else is seeing it another.

It’s cool that you’ll help out on occasion, but I gotta be honest with you… it’s a little weird. There’s “helping carry something that’s too heavy for one person” and then there’s “dude is unloading the inventory into the fridge”. Having worked there before makes it a little less weird – ask any former bookstore employees about trying to resist the urge to straighten the shelves at Barnes and Noble – but there comes a point where it starts to seem like you’ve got ulterior motives… especially seeing as you’re already there twice a day.

So now there’s this young woman. You think she’s cute. You’ve tried to be helpful and show her the ropes. Offering advice. Doing stuff around the store. Showing her how to use the register.1 And you’re there twice a day, every day.

You realize that, as far as an outside observer sees, this goes beyond “being a regular” and well into “he’s here because of that one clerk” territory, and that’s gonna weird some people out. Especially someone who’s young, shy and in a front-facing customer service job where she pretty much has to interact with you because she’s out on her ass otherwise.

From her end of things, that makes dealing with a customer with a crush problematic. But to a certain extent, it’s a manageable one. From her perspective, yeah, it’s a little weird when he starts stocking the cooler but it’s possible to basically pretend that he’s not here because he’s into her and that he’s trying to do things for her specifically and she can just pretend not to notice that he’s into her.

Then you hand her your number and tell her to call you some time. Suddenly it’s not as easy to ignore why you’re there, talking to her. Now it’s awkward and maybe even a little creepy from her end of things and she’s trying her best to just avoid the whole matter entirely by disappearing.

You’re right: approaching her at work is pretty much the worst possible way to approach someone, especially when she’s in customer service. It’s a Dating 301 sort of approach, the kind where you’d better be pretty damn good at reading signals because people mistake professional niceness for interest and being nervous and flustered for attracted-but-shy.

Honestly, JTTH, this isn’t going anywhere good. She’s not into you and I don’t think she was in the first place. I think you misread things and got in deeper than you should have and now it’s all awkward as hell. Really, the best thing you can do right now is give her lots of space and not seek her out when you stop by the convenience store.

And seriously, unless they ask you for help? Stop doing unpaid labor there. That’s not helping you.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I’ve just finished university (or ‘college’ as the yanks call it) and find myself in a bit of a relationship quandary with one of the first people I met after moving in. After lots of awkwardness and taking responsibility for unintentional creepiness on my part, she and I settled into a great friendship and shared a good deal of personal stuff with each other.

After I came on too strong by asking to kiss her without going on a date first, I instinctively gave her a few weeks of space. The next time we saw each other she seemed much more into me than before but I just assumed she was more secure after I had accepted her boundaries with no attempt at Nice Guy guilt trips or manipulation.

Since then we’ve had a good deal of distance put between us by final year essays and now the hunt for jobs (that she’s struggling with more than me) in our respective home towns. Her work difficulties have made me, for reasons I’m wary of thinking about, more attracted to her than ever.

I’ve mentioned I’m heading over near her for a comic con and asked if she wanted to go together or find some inexpensive fun to act as some respite. She seemed hesitant but said she’d let me know when we could meet up if her business eases off anytime soon.

With the backstory out of the way, riddle me these questions three: is this new attraction of mine based on some savior complex? Would trying to support her come off like taking advantage of her struggles to try and be close with her? If not and if things go well, is it ever worth asking someone out again after they’ve rejected you?

Awaiting a witty and insightful response,

Second Times the Charm

DEAR SECOND TIME’S THE CHARM: As a general rule, there’s nothing inherently wrong with asking somebody out after they’ve turned you down once – presuming that circumstances have changed. If they were seeing someone, or they weren’t interested before but now they’re getting a little flirty or you’re both in different places than you were before… that’s all cool. Pestering someone who’s made their wishes clear before? That ain’t cool.

Now as for your friend and crush… well, you’ve got some serious self-examining to do, STTC. You’re the one who just told me that your interest in her went up watching her struggle for work. Why is that? Are you seeing this as an opportunity to “save” her by being the RomCom cinnamon roll who shows up, slams the books shut and says “Alright, you need a break” and taking her out for a montage? Because I’ll warn you now: that doesn’t work unless you already have a pretty deep level of intimacy together. That’s the sort of grand romantic gesture that works in movies but not so much in real life. 

Now as it is, it sounds like you’re getting the brush-off; she’s got some legitimate reasons why she can’t do anything, but “I’ll let you know if things ease up” is a pretty standard soft “no”. Most of the time when someone really wants to see you, either they’ll make time or they’ll suggest a specific alternate time.

But for argument’s sake, we’ll presume that she is down to meet up when you’re in town. So let’s game this out a little: you’re in town, she’s got a little free time to see you.  What, exactly, do you expect to happen when you go up there? Are you seeing this as “quick lunch, a mutual vent session over the bulls

t of trying to find work, and going your separate ways”? Or are you holding out hope that this is going to start off as grabbing a drink somewhere, then maybe oh-look-at-the-time-you-hungry-I-could-eat-lets-get-dinner, then maybe another drink and a long walk as the stars come out and you’re sharing various intimacies about your life and then standing in front of her building or her car and going “So…”?

Going into this hoping that you can turn a friendly meet-up into Schrödinger’s Date isn’t something you do to a friend – especially a friend who’s struggling with life at the moment. It adds a layer of stress and confusion to an already stressful situation and makes her wonder whether she can rely on you as a friend or if you’re always going to be looking for an “in”. That means that now she can’t trust you the way she could before, can’t open up to you the way she could before or generally look to you for emotional support. That’s a pretty shitty thing to do to someone under a lot of stress.

The difference between being a genuine friend and a Nice GuyTM (as opposed to a good guy) is one of having an agenda. I mean, there’s “Hey, you’ve been having a rough time of it, let’s go blow off some steam and do something fun to take your mind off your troubles” and then there’s “I want to be the person to make her feel better so she’s grateful and realizes what a wonderful guy I am and starts to fall for me.” And if you’re seeing her stress as being your “in” with her, then the best thing you can do is just leave things alone.

She doesn’t need a Nice GuyTM right now. She needs a friend.

Be her friend. See where things are when the year is over and she’s not stressed out over work.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)