DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve had an occasional history of depression and anxiety, and in the last few weeks, these feelings have become a lot more common. I’m a 26 year old virgin who’s never had a girlfriend, so I want to improve socially to the point where I can eventually get married. However, I’m a college student who works two part time jobs, and much of my time will be devoted to this, as well as preparing myself for a future career. I did read your book New Game +, which has lots of information, and while I want to improve socially, I’ve got a very busy schedule.

The problem is, however, outside of my family, I don’t have much of a support network of friends. I moved to where I live three years ago, and I’ve met people here and there, but we’ve largely lost contact. Part of it’s because I’ve been busy with college and work, part is because they’re not as much my personality type, and I live about half an hour away from most of them. I will start seeing a therapist soon, and plan on joining a few MeetUp groups. However, when seeing people around my age who are in a relationship, I get nervous and jealous, and it negatively affects my mood, reminding me of what I don’t have. There are young couples in quite a few of these Meetup groups, and I don’t want this to affect me from going out.

I’m also worried about even after I get help, my depression and anxiety will flare up at the worst possible time, thus negatively affecting my social life and potential romantic prospects. I’ve had things like this happen in the past, which has, needless to say, led to some very awkward moments.

I’ve just got so much on my plate and on my mind, and any help would be appreciated.

Overwhelmed

DEAR OVERWHELMED: First of all, I’m proud of you for the steps you’ve been taking. You’re doing everything right – both to improve your social life and also to address your anxiety and depression. One thing I want you to keep in mind: there are many ways to treat anxiety and depression, and some will work better for you than others will. Remember: the ones that work for you are the ones that work for you, regardless of what form it ends up taking. If your therapist recommends any medication, this isn’t a sign that you’re a failure or someone who couldn’t muscle their way through it. All it means is that this is a therapy they think may work best for you. Many forms of chronic depression and anxiety are chemical in origin; the right medication can help correct this. As someone who’s been on Zoloft, I can tell you: it can absolutely make a difference for you.

And while it’s no substitute for working with a trained therapist, I’m also a fan of learning how to control your own mind as a supplement to whatever else you do. Yoga and meditation may sound crunchy and new-age-y, but they really can be a great way of taking control of your brain when it tries to gallop out of control.

But don’t forget: while many forms of treatment DO take time to take effect, don’t ever be afraid to advocate for your own needs while you’re working with your therapist. If they recommend medication and you have side-effects that make things harder, you have the right to tell them you’d rather try something else.

Now, let’s talk a little about managing those anxieties while you’re building your new social life. The envy you feel around happy couples is understandable; they have something you wish you had after all. However, the mistake is letting that sense of “but why not me?” take over and leave you feeling bitter and resentful. That’s a mindset that can leave you even more lonely than before – and end up cutting you off from potential friends and potential lovers in turn. After all, while they may have something that you wish you did, new friends may well be the people to introduce you to single people who want to date you.

So how do you get around this? Start with noting and naming your feelings. Words have power after all, and the stories you tell yourself become part of how you actually feel. So rather than describing yourself as being envious, observe your feelings. “Huh… I guess I feel envious of that couple over there.”

Notice very carefully that I phrased that as “I FEEL envious”, not “I AM envious”. The latter defines envy as an integral part of who you are – envy is a core to your identity. The other describes a feeling, and one that’s temporary at that. Not only does this create a layer of abstraction between you and those negative feelings, but it reinforces your control over them. You’re reminding yourself that feeling a particular way is an option, not destiny.

Once you’ve noted and named those feelings, then reframe them. The fact that there are young couples out there doesn’t take anything away from you; neither of them represents a loss to you. What they do represent is that love is real and out there, and if they can find it, then so can you. In a very real way, that love means “hope”.

As weird as it may sound, telling yourself that you’re actually happy for them helps you on the rebound. In a very real way, attitude is destiny; a positive outlook on life makes you more successful in everything that you do. Having a positive attitude and outlook makes you more emotionally resilient. You may fail at times – and that’s fine – those failures are something that you can learn from. They’re something you can bounce back from and – importantly – overcome. And having a positive outlook, particularly when it comes to socializing, makes you more popular. People don’t like spending time around negative people. But the guy who’s generally cheerful and upbeat, even if he’s still striving for the things he wants? That guy is going to be pretty popular. Attitudes are contagious, after all and people feel better around positive folks. That, in turn, makes them want to spend more time with those same people.

So yeah, you may feel a little weird and uncomfortable around them at first. But the more you reframe the situation – that they’re proof that what you want is out there and attainable – then they go from being a negative to a positive. They’re not your opponents, as it were, but aspirational figures. Relationship goals, as it were.

Plus, as an added bonus: seeing couples in happy and successful relationships also provide role models for how relationships can work. Obviously not every relationship style is going to work for you, and every relationship is going to have it’s quirks. But being able to look around and see how other people make it work can give you an idea of how things can work for you, too.

Oh, and one more thing: even under treatment, you can have flare-ups of anxiety and depression. I still have times when my depression weighs pretty heavily on me. But having worked with therapists and learned my own triggers, I know how to handle them. As you work through your own treatments, you’ll find the things that work for you too. And while you may have those moments when everything is dark, poison arrows fall from the sky and the pillars of heaven shake, you’ll be able to look it square in the eye and say “Bring it on. I can take it.”

It seems like a lot, but you’re strong and you’re on the right path. You’ve got this, Overwhelmed.

All will be well.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Some people are natural artists and end up in the Louvre next to the Mona Lisa. Others end up with glitter, crazy paint and spaghetti noodles and still create abominations. It’s the same for me and dating, I read you and a few other awesome blogs to try and upgrade my skill set. I do a pretty good human impression but I have this one terrible quality: creepers and abusers are magnetically drawn to me and please for the love of gods, teach me how not to be the approachable gal! I’ve tried headphones, strategically place books and endless hours of cats or archaeology…

I gave up on being nice and accommodating a long time ago but I do have a very wide circle of friends with various quirks and issues. I’ve been slowly removing the Nopes: the missing stairs, creepers and boundary toe-stompers from my circle (like the large guy who was going to kidnap and assault me in his unregistered car “as a joke” that caused me to have a nervous breakdown and have to leave university for the semester). What’s worse is teaching people around me about rape culture like my mum who has no boundaries and just doesn’t get why guys swooping in to save you against your will (even if they are your older professor friends is creepy and gross). My family is screwed up but loving that’s a whole other letter, Doc.

Me trying everything from dressing modestly to resting bitch face and headphones everywhere, it doesn’t stop me from being stalked by men and women alike (everything from a random local community dude creep, to a girl cyber stalking me in a uni class to do her work and then creepy abusive guy I most recently dated for 3 months but ended things hard is now using mutual hobbies as a way of seeing me, so I quit gaming and advertising where I’ll be until after I’ve been there). Pre last creeper, I had to live cautiously and hide my existence and I was only just recovering my sense of safety and freedom when he turned out to be gross.

Last creepy guy sabotaged my academic work, ignored me for 8-10 hour online games, outrageously lied and stole from me to leverage his way back into my life, abused me and gaslit me, had weird kinks he wouldn’t negotiate until mid coitus, left sh*t stains on my sheets that I initially thought were one of my cats having been sick, thought cutting finger nails and reciprocal foreplay was not a thing he had the do, and then threatened suicide when he wouldn’t get his own way. My housemate years ago was found dead by me so I really didn’t want to come home to his bloated corpse in my cute little flat.

I’ve tried all the no contact and blocking to the sun with this last disgusting guy and victim support counseling because the stress brought back my OCD since that guy was a hoarder and had a stench like a dying whale and rotten teeth. I’m addicted to sniffing mothballs, listening to T-Swift’s “Clean”, I just got 5 bottles of perfume for my birthday and I’ve just stopped washing my hands 34 times a day. But I missed gaming and the friends I made in it.

So, I personally engaged actual qualified professionals help to negotiate my return to our role playing club and other gaming hobbies (think two personal psychologist sessions especially devoted and victim support counseling to coming back) and our gaming group wanted us to go through *mediation* without specifying what it was they wanted of me and he has done nothing to talk to them so I left the hobby altogether because they had no victim support policy and didn’t enforce any consequences on him and they wouldn’t ban him from games despite his refusal to talk at the table.

I’m not being part of a club that pushes me out and expects me to do all the mature compromising at my expense for this creepy dude. The thing is, this guy was deemed unsafe by Team Me, but he hogs all the games and there’s no effing justice so I miss out on everything in case he is there, can’t create or confirm plans because he shows up uninvited and I have to avoid a lot of cool things I’d like to do in case he’s there. Leaving gaming was one thing, but I’m tired of missing out on medieval faires or games, the free comic days or the cons in my city or geek themed pub quizzes.

So what do I do to keep away the creepers like this one and since I’ve emerged from my rock, what do I do if I see this guy? I already have mental health disabilities and he makes me both anxious and full of rage. I have taken up poetry and improv since and now I’m going back to university to study in July after the breakdown.

Life On Mars

DEAR LIFE ON MARS: I’m sorry all that happened to you, LoM. You’ve done a lot of things right – from kicking the guy to the curb, to focusing on your self-care and doing what you need to do to be healthy and safe.

Now, let’s dig in a little to what you can do next – both in dealing with this guy, with your former social groups and avoiding future creepers.

First and foremost: boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. You have the right to enforce your boundaries at all times, to any degree that you wish and by god you should do so. Establishing firm boundaries – including a willingness to call dudes out on their bad behavior you’re being irrational, right then and there – is part of how you keep creepers and predators out of your life. Yeah, it’s scary and intimidating. There will be guys – and their (occasionally even well-meaning) enablers – who will push back against you for having boundaries or enforcing  them. They will tell you that . Well, a) f-ck that and b) you’ve had enough bad experiences that your Spidey-sense is going to be more sensitive than others’. They will tell you that it’s unfair because he doesn’t mean it or know better. Tough, because it’s pretty easy to see when a dude only behaves like that to women and anyway even goldfish can learn. They will say you’re being a bitch. Fine. BE a bitch. Be Queen Bitch, First of Her Name, Empress of Back Off Or Pull Back a Stump.

Being “nice” is great, but “nice” also is what a—-holes will leverage to get to you. Sometimes you’ve got to be a mean motherf-cking soldier of love guarding your own security. You’ve been hurt, abused and violated by people before. You have to be the strongest advocate of your own safety and interests. So put up those boundaries, and let the people who’re worth letting in prove it by respecting them.

Next: your social circle. Unfortunately, y’all got a bad case of Missing Stair paired with an equally bad case of Geek Social Fallacies. A lot of geek communities are averse to “drama”. Unfortunately, they tend to blame said drama on the person who points out that it exists, not the person causing it. It’s easier to pretend it doesn’t happen than it is to actually address it and admit that maybe the person they like is a creeper and they need to do something about it. It’s easier to get the person saying “we have a problem” to be quiet about it than it is to actually do something.

Now, you can consider approaching some of the members of your old group individually and giving them the download on what this dude has done. Taking this on a one-on-one level might get people to listen in a way that a group setting might not, especially if there’re many, drama-enabling “Let us REASON together” who drown out all other voices. It may be easier to divide and conquer and keep those individual friendships even if you can’t be with the entire group. And hey… get enough of those together and you’ve got a new group entirely. But if they, as a whole, are going to focus on the idea that there’s some middle-ground to be had… well, I refer you back to the Boundaries Boundaries Boundaries paragraph.

And, bee-tee-dubs: boundaries also means “tell me if this dude is going to be at the event too” or saying “I can’t be at this event if he is going to be there”. Yeah, you’re asking them to draw lines and choose sides. Which sucks, but your right to protect yourself overrides “be reasonable”.

And finally: if you do have friends you can go to Faire with or cons or pub-quizzes, do so. Let them be your shield, your linebacker, your tank. They can run interference if homeboy sees you and tries to make contact. They can be the ones to get you out of the room if you start to have a panic attack or need to get out before he triggers some form of PTSD. Don’t think #squadgoals, think #brutesquad.

It sucks that sometimes assholes win. But if you want to continue enjoying the hobbies you love and the others won’t consider safety over Social Fallacies, you may have to carve out your own space instead.

Good luck.

Dr. Nerdlove is not a real doctor. Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I just recently turned 27, and have yet to have an actual relationship. I often worry that the place I’m currently at in life makes me undateable: I just transferred from a community college to a university, and I still have a couple of years of undergrad to go.

I worry that I’m too old for the women at the university. They are all in their very early 20s, and as such, I feel like I am inherently determined to be creepy and to have made terrible life decisions simply because I’m older than all the “normal” students. (It’s not even just the women in that aspect, I feel like everyone’s eyes are on me because of it.)

Because of my situation, paying for university, while also paying for a car, working at a retail customer service job (even working full-time hours), I have not been able to afford to move out of my parents’ house. (The school is only about 20 miles away so I commute.) It’s not like I’m the stereotypical lazy moocher living in the basement: I do a lot of work around the house, and I keep my space of the house very clean as well. But because of this, I feel like all the women who have already graduated college will not want anything to do with me either, being past the point of tolerating men who are in college and/or do not have real jobs and homes of their own.

I feel like I’m the only one who’s in this position most of the time, and it leaves me feeling rather isolated. Is there hope for me with any demographic? Or should I not even bother trying until I’ve graduated and found a real job and a place of my own?

Delayed Adult

DEAR DELAYED ADULT: First of all, you’re only five to six years older than the average college student. That’s not an insurmountable – or even terribly unusual – difference in ages. Hell, if you go by the cliched guideline of “half your age + 7”, then you’re firmly within the boundaries of acceptability. When I was in college, there was a wide range of ages – most of my peers were around my age, but there were many, many people in class who ranged from their late 20s to their mid-40s and nobody thought twice about it. Some folks get a later start than others, some get into college late after military service, others were only able to wrangle the finances to go later in life.

The awkwardness you’re feeling? It’s mostly in your head. I say mostly because yes, there will be some judgmental pricks who think that anyone over the age of 25 is ancient and wonder what you’re doing there. That’s all well and good – they’re a—-holes, and you wouldn’t want to date them in the first place. They’re doing you a favor by self-selecting out of your dating pool. Pay them no mind because ultimately they’re irrelevant to your life. Being creepy is about behavior, not life circumstance. If you’re not acting like Humbert Humbert around your younger female classmates and socialize with them like you would anybody else, then you’ll be fine.

Don’t forget: the economy is still in the crapper, housing is scarce and expensive and everyone’s overloaded with debt. There are lots of people who have to live with their parents even after they feel like they shouldn’t. Hell, all things considered, what you’re doing is pretty damn impressive. You’re paying for school AND a car while working full time in a customer service job? All of that is a testament to your ability to prioritize and get sh-t done.

Now I’m not saying that it’s going to be easy, but it’s not the hopeless case you’re picturing. Everything is in how you present it. If you’re going to carry yourself as some hyper-developed man-child who can’t hack it in the real world then of course people are going to not respond well. If you present yourself as somebody in a tough situation who’s doing the hard work and making the sacrifices to get out of it? That’s another thing entirely.

So you live with your parents: big goddamn deal, that’s a temporary necessity so you can pay for your education. You’re working retail – ok, but not only are you paying for school and a car, you’re showing that you’ve got ambition. You’re not coasting through life in some prolonged pseudo-adolescence, you’re busting your ass to make the most out of yourself. That’s something to be admired. If people can’t respect that, then forget them, you’re better off without them.

I do think you’ll find in trying to date amongst your fellow students is trying to find someone you can relate to. When I was in my late 20s, I had a hard time dating anyone younger than 24;  past that, we were simply at such different points in our lives and had different priorities and cultural reference points that it really wasn’t going to work out beyond the very short term. But there will be people who are more mature and who aren’t living the life of the stereotypical college student. Those will be the ones you have the most compatibility with. There will also be plenty of women outside of your classmates; consider meeting up with some of them.

Just remember that other people are going to take their cues from you. If you come across as confident and that it’s no big deal, then they’ll respond the same way.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I’m a recent fan of your website, I believe the direct approach you normally use is excellent for those of us that drift among decisions.

Speaking of which, I hope to receive a piece of advice from you. I’m a 30 years old single man living in Mexico City. I still live in my parents’ house, I have a steady income and a steady job, but I have plenty of difficulties with the socializing and meeting new people areas, especially women.

 So far I’ve only had one serious relationship (in my college years, 8 years ago approximately, it lasted a couple years) and a few flings, but nothing serious. The thing is, I have recently resumed my friendship with my longtime high school crush, only to discover that I still have feelings for her (or at least that’s what I believe).

 She’s also a 30 year old woman, divorced, with an 8 year old son and a boyfriend/concubine that lives with her at her house. She has financial issues, and she’s also the only income in the house. Her boyfriend is like another child in the household, and of course she’s having problems with her former husband. As I was saying, we have recently resumed contact, we support each other, and I lend her money when she needs it, we talk about life, and I still have feelings for her, I can’t help feeling a strong attraction. Recently we talked about life and love and things like that, and I asked her  if she would consider date me if the circumstances were different, she said yes, but it was not a definite answer, it was more of an ambiguous thing.

 She also said that she will draw the line, and if her boyfriend doesn’t get a job in the next few months, she will kick him out of the house (which not necessarily means the end of the relationship). Also, I should mention I heard this thing before, and nothing ever happens. He doesn’t want to, or can’t get a job, and she doesn’t kick him out.  At the end of the conversation, she offered to introduce me a single friend of her, and that thing caught me off guard.

 I don’t know what to think or do in this point. I’m not so naive to think that she’ll realize everything I’m doing for her and eventually run into my arms, that would be simply stupid.

 The thing is that I feel this situation is overwhelming, I´m 30, single and still living with my parents. Meanwhile all my friends are either getting married or having babies (or both like my best friend’s case) , the peer pressure is terrible.

 I should also mention that I have no problem with her single mom status,  I believe I’m mature enough to handle a relationship with a kid involved. Of course, I wouldn’t mention it to my parents immediately, but I believe I’m mature enough to handle the situation if necessary.

 I would lend a hand financially speaking if necessary, that means no problem to me.

 I don’t know what to do. 

 Either I come clean and tell her how I feel (with the risk that she won’t talk to me or see me again) or I ignore my feelings for her, then move on and accept the blind date with her friend (as an action that will symbolize my defeat with her and my “moving on” attitude).  I don’t want to lose what I have with her right now, but I know that it is simply not enough for me. But then again I prefer a friendship, over not seeing her ever again.

 Help me Dr. NerdLove, you’re my only hope.

Prince Charming To the Rescue

DEAR PRINCE CHARMING TO THE RESCUE: Hoo boy.

Let’s start with the most immediate of questions: the possibility of a relationship with this friend of yours. This is what I would tell you if she wasn’t your long-term crush and just someone you were starting to flirt with and things were going well:

Don’t do it. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD don’t do it. This is a train-wreck waiting to happen. It’s already a complicated situation with her being a single mother and you having virtually no dating experience at all. Dating a single parent isn’t something to be entered into lightly; not only does she have her own life to consider, she has to consider what’s best for her child. She will always have obligations and responsibilities that by necessity will take precedence over you. And should things be even remotely serious – as you’re hoping for – you’re not going to just be involved in her life but in her child’s as well. You are, in effect, going to be having to negotiate two relationships for the price of one; this can be tricky under the best of circumstances, and doubly so when you have very little social experience.

And honestly, your hesitancy to tell your parents that you’re dating a single mother is a pretty good sign that you’re aware that this is likely more than you can handle.

The other reason is that her social life is already a mess. She’s in conflict with her ex-husband – who presumably is always going to be a factor in her life – as well as her shiftless, lazy boyfriend. And, let’s face it, she’s not terribly interested in losing him yet; for whatever reason, she has yet to follow through on her threats to kick his ass to the curb. Maybe she loves him more tan she’s exasperated by him, maybe she’s afraid to be alone, maybe she’s prone to bad decisions, maybe they’re locked into some co-depended cycle that just replays itself over and over again… who knows. Regardless of her reasons, this is one giant, heaving mess of bad decisions that you’re trying to insert yourself.

On that score alone, trying to date this woman is a holy-shit-super-bad idea under the best of circumstances. Now let’s take it up to the next level here with the rest of your situation. You’ve had a crush on her for at least 14 years, even with zero contact between the two of you. This in and of itself is a warning sign: you’ve had an especially nasty case of Oneitis - the belief that she is the one and only special person in the world that you could possibly love. To make things worse, you’re compounding it with White Knight Syndrome, believing that you can earn her love by sweeping in there like a knight in shining armor and taking her away from this life of privation and heartache. Hell, you’re already giving (not lending; you know as well as I do that you’re not going to see that money again) her money on the regular. All of this is a very big sign that you are not equipped to handle this relationship. And let’s face it, you can say that you don’t expect her to notice everything you’re doing for her, but you sure as shit are hoping she will.

Look, just between you, me and everyone who will read this: this is about wish-fulfillment, not about about her as a person.

You’re already somewhat socially isolated. You’ve been feeling the overwhelming pressure to get married and pump out some kids, coupled with your embarrassment at continuing to live with your parents and your generalized anxiety over your difficulties in socializing. Suddenly you high-school crush is back in your life, representing everything you could want: an instant family, the chance to finally achieve an old fantasy and even be the gallant hero, hauling her out of a horrible situation and into a new and glorious life for you! You are more in love with the idea of her and what she represents. I don’t doubt that you’re attracted to her, but she’s much more of an aspirational figure than a real person, and all of those niggling details – her relationship with her ex-husband, her current boyfriend, etc. – are not going to go away. These are all going to be part of her every-day life, even if she liked you back in the first place

But here’s the thing: she’s not into you that way. You’ve already broached the subject of whether she would be interested in dating you if things were different and got a non-committal answer; this is in and of itself an answer. It’s a “no”.  Then on top of that, she immediately offers to set you up with a single friend of hers. These are not the actions of a woman who is considering you as a potential boyfriend or husband; this is someone who likes you as a friend and appreciates your emotional (and financial) support, but simply doesn’t return your feelings and is trying not to hurt you.

I don’t mean to shatter your dreams, but this is simply not going to happen. She’s not going to dump her boyfriend any time soon and, even if she does, she’s not going to fly into your arms.

What you need to do right now is work on yourself some. You’ve got a good base to start with; having a steady job and reliable income is important, especially with the way the economy is right now. Spend some time improving your social skills and meeting people. Check out a couple of my books, read through my site and learn how to improve your dating skills. You should also consider reading Succeed Socially, another site I recommend. If living with your parents is something that’s causing you anxiety, then start saving your money and make plans to get your own place. The more you get your life in order, the less pressure you’re going to feel to rush out and try to play catch-up with all of your friends.

Go on that blind date. The more dating experience you have, the better you will do with your future relationships… and you’ll find that your Oneitis will fade as you start to get to know all the new and amazing women out there.

Good luck.

Dr. Nerdlove is not a real doctor. Please send your questions to Dr. Nerdlove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

(Doctor’s Note: one of the letters for this column involves the description of a sexual assault.) 

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a strange situation, Doc, but I’m sure you’ve heard it all.

I live in a house with three other people. Two of the people are married, and the other is recently divorced and is 33 and the niece of the woman in the married relationship. I have been friends with the 33 year old for about 12 years. I am 20 years older than her, and when are friendship first started we would mostly go hiking and see movies (we didn’t live in the same house then either). We were both attracted to each other and the friendship remained platonic, but something was always there. We always had a tacit agreement that the age difference was too great.

She met a guy and got married and I was really happy for her. It worked out that I bought a house with her aunt an husband, and they rented a room from us. This worked out fine until the marriage started getting rough, and she would ask me questions like “you still love me, right?”. The marriage ended about nine months ago and it has been strange living in the house across the hall from someone I have feelings for, and having her aunt there complicates things more. I still get comments from her like “what would I do without you” and “if we were the same age”.

I can’t stay in this situation a lot longer, my thoughts are:

A) Tell her yes, I do love her and age is just a number let’s give this a try.

B) Asking her to move out because the living situation is no longer healthy (this may wreck the relationship with people I own the house with).

C) Deciding it is time to sell the house and move on to the next phase of my life.

 Any advice on how to proceed?

-Landlords In Love

DEAR LANDLORDS IN LOVE: Before I answer your question, LIL, let me ask you something: Did you two actually discuss your attraction to one another? As in, has she actually said “I want to date you and totally would if you weren’t older than me?” Or are you rounding a close, maybe even flirty friendship up to attraction? Because, frankly, phrases like “you still love me, right?” don’t suggest romance, they suggest friendship or even quasi-familial love.

I see a lot of people who have that kind of close, even intimate friendship and someone assumes that the emotional intimacy there also translates to actual, romantic attraction. And when they find out that no, it really is just friendship – even friends that say “what would I do without you” or ask “You still love me, right” – they’re devastated because they’ve built this into something it’s not.

I mean, if I were going to turn someone down as gently as I could, “the age difference is so great” would probably be one my first go-tos. Nothing to be done about it, nobody’s fault, oh well, who wants Chinese?

You’re going to need to be the one to answer that, LIL, because I’m not there. And if this is friendship that you’ve been reading too much into and one that you’ve been holding a torch for… well, that’s going to cause some unnecessary heartbreak.

And that’s without the very-bad-no-for-real-this-is-a-horrible-idea complications that come with this scenario. Even if we assume that there is an actual romantic and sexual connection there… there are issues like the fact that you at least partially own the building she lives in. That ain’t the most equitable start to a relationship, to be perfectly honest. I mean, if you have the power to evict her (subject to tenant/landlord laws in your city and state) that’s a big club to be wielding over someone when you’re asking them out on a date.

And then there’s the fact it’s only been nine months since the marriage ended. You don’t mention how long they were married for but something tells me she’s still working on processing being single again. Hell, she may well not want to be dating anyone for a while.

My advice is that you’re better off letting this be and pursuing other relationships, with people who don’t live in a building you own. And when you meet one of those people who doesn’t live in your building, don’t assume that she’s interested in you romantically and leap in with both feet. Start with a date – an unequivocable date – and work from there.

But seriously. Don’t try to date someone you have that sort of economic leverage over. Ever.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I need your help. My wife was on business trip and had to stay over weekend. I encouraged her to go out and enjoy drinks with friends. She didn’t really want to because she is an introvert, but after we talked she agreed to try to make new friends.

A male co-worker met her at a restaurant and from there he drove her to a few night spots where they met up with several more new people. She isn’t much of a drinker, but her coworker continue to give her drinks. He told her that she could really drink well. It was just about closing when he left her and brought back one last drink. Minutes after sipping on this drink she felt extremely drunk. He suggested they get some food. She was surprised the restaurant was part of his apartment and he got the food to go.

She was now nervous as they got on elevator to his place. After they ate, she asked to go but he insisted that they talked and he then made a move on her. She said “NO…I want to go…If you don’t take me I will find another way”. He said “It’s late just stay and sleep nothing will happen. I am tired.”

He then left and went to his room leaving her alone. She sat there 30 minutes and finally walked to his room and again asked to be taken back to her hotel. He pulled her down on bed and again started things but this time she said “I passively consented. I knew I wasn’t getting out of there”. He started the intercourse and she told him “Stop… I am married… you have ruined my marriage.” He stopped but didn’t seem particularly sorry and drove her back.

This has affected both of us deeply. We have a beautiful Christ centered marriage and now we are left to figure out how and why this happened. She certainly blames herself and I am hurt as well. 

Do you have any advice for me on how to view this and help her.

- Traumatized

DEAR TRAUMATIZED: I’m not going to mince words Traumatized: your wife was raped. Her co-worker got her drunk, took her back to his place and assaulted her. She didn’t “passively consent”, she was forced into a situation where not only could she not give consent, but where she couldn’t leave and almost certainly felt that trying to do anything else might have ended up with her being hurt or even killed.

I want to be abundantly clear here: this is not her fault. Let me repeat that for emphasis: This. Was. Not. Her. Fault. This happened because a co-worker abused her trust, plied her with alcohol to make her compliant, trapped her at his apartment and raped her.

Once again: this was not her fault. She is not to blame here. The only person to be blamed is the rapist. 

What you need to do now is focus on your wife’s healing. She’s been through a traumatic experience and, frankly, she’s likely going to need help processing what happened and accepting that this was not her fault. One thing I would suggest is that she call RAINN (The Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800.656.4673. It’s open 24 hours and completely confidential. They have support specialists who can help her find therapy, give her tips for effective self-care after her trauma and advice on what she may want to do next – whether it’s to talk to the police and press charges or not.

I would also suggest checking out their resources for recovering from sexual violence for both victims of rape and sexual assault and their loved ones. This can give you a number of options on how to heal, how to move forward and how to avoid triggering any emotional aftershocks, as well as give you resources on how best to talk with her and to help and support her.

One thing I would strongly suggest she do is to tell her manager and the HR department at work. Not only should she not have to keep working with a predator, but the odds are good that he’s done this before, to other women. Telling management and the HR department can help her feel safer and more secure, as well as bring some measure of punishment down on this guy.

I’m so sorry this has happened to her, Traumatized, and I want to reiterate this one more time: THIS IS NOT HER FAULT. She’s going to need love and support right now, so be the man she can depend on for love, for security and for compassion.

Good luck.

Dr. Nerdlove is not a real doctor. Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)