DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am a 27 year old guy from India, so please excuse my English. I’ve just become engaged last month with 23 year old girl as part of an arranged marriage. She says she is virgin but I don’t know if I believe her. Yesterday we tried to have sex at my place. During foreplay, I put my 2 fingers inside and it too loose. I tried to enter her with my penis and I got a serious mind shock. She was simply too loose inside.
I have had sex with around 10 girls, and nobody was that loose even after we had had sex for, like, 200 times. Now I’m serious unsure whether she is telling the truth or not. She has high blood pressure issues and migraines. She has told me that she has never even masturbated. So can a girl who has never had sex be so loose inside?
Please guide me.
- Virgin Detector
DEAR VIRGIN DETECTOR: Hoo boy. VD I picked your letter because, quite frankly, you’re an example of a lot of really awful myths and misunderstandings about women, anatomy, virginity and how bodies work in general.
So pay attention, school’s in session. And today’s lesson is: there are no signs that somebody is a virgin or not.
Let’s start with your fiancee’s “looseness”. Genitalia come in all kinds of shapes and sizes. Just as penises can range from the very small to the very large, so can vaginas. Women can have deep vaginal canals or shallow ones. Men can have narrow penises or thick ones, just as women can have naturally narrow or wide vaginas.
But here’s the thing about women and vaginas: a woman’s “tightness” has absolutely nothing to do with the amount of sex they have or haven’t had. The vaginal walls are a muscle and they’re incredibly elastic; after all, they’re designed to let a baby pass through. Your penis ain’t the size of a baby, no matter how many times you’ve put it in someone. To put it another way: think of all the times you’ve eaten food. Sometimes it’s been as small as piece of popcorn. Other times it’s been something large enough that you’ve had to unhinge your jaw like a snake. Has your mouth stretched out of shape? No. No it has not.
There are three things that affect vaginal tightness: childbirth, arousal and specific exercises involving the pelvic floor. The vagina does, in fact, get stretched during child-birth, but (in younger women anyway) it re-tightens post-partum. After around six to eight months, a woman’s vagina feels the same it did before. Women in their late 30s and 40s can have issues due to age affecting the elasticity of the muscles and women who’ve had many, many children can seriously fatigue the vaginal muscles. But again I would remind you: it doesn’t matter how big your penis (or anyone’s really) may or may not be, it’s not as big as a baby.
Arousal is another set of circumstances that can affect vaginal tightness. See, a tight vagina is NOT a sign of sexual inexperience, it’s a sign that she’s not aroused. Arousal causes the vaginal muscles to relax and open to better accommodate an erect penis and facilitate impregnation. So a woman whose vagina is open and well-lubricated is a woman who’s very aroused while a woman who’s tight is one who’s tense, not in the mood or dealing with someone who sees foreplay as “brace yourself, I’m going in.”
So to answer your question: no, the relative dimensions of your fiancee’s genitalia do not tell you whether or not she’s a virgin.
And while we’re at it: a hymen or lack thereof is no indicator of virginity either. Many women won’t have a hymen, or barely have one in the first place. Other times, it may have been torn through simply being active and athletic. So that’s not a reliable indicator of virginity either.
Is your fiancee a virgin? Who knows. And to be perfectly frank, does it really matter that much to you? You’re starting a relationship with this woman and having a successful marriage means putting in effort.
Starting things off by calling her a liar and slut-shaming her? That’s really not a great beginning to a marriage.
DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m one of your homosexual readers who lives in an area where my sexual orientation is a danger to myself. But given recent events, I’m starting to think that I’m just cursed in general. Let me explain.
The first guy I fell for that helped me realize I’m gay was back in middle school. He would come over quite a lot and seemed to enjoy the time we spent together. I later found out that his home life was not that fantastic, as his mother would verbally abuse him and treat his younger brother much more favorably by comparison. His mother was murdered by his father before the school year was out. He and his brother left to live with his grandmother by order of the courts.
The next guy I fell for was in high school. He was an outcast, but who wasn’t in high school? We would get along and hang out, and he was cool when I confessed my attraction to him even though we weren’t compatible. (He was straight.) I recently learned that he died in a home invasion gone bad while I was at college. He was shot and killed in that event while trying to defend his home.
Immediately out of high school, I fell for a guy I met on the internet. What actually happened was that I ended up becoming every mother’s worst nightmare and found myself being raped by a man old enough to be my father at the time. I got out of there as fast as I could, going broke in the process.
A lot of time passed between him and the next guy I fell for, which was a work crush. He was the first bisexual I fell for, but upon telling him that I fancied him, I was shot down. He was cool and we still hung out as friends. Then he got arrested and charged with statutory rape of his step-sister three months later.
The most recent guy I fell for was this past year. He was a fellow nerd around my age that looked a whole lot younger. We hung out over the course of about six months, but after telling him that I was attracted to him, I found out very quickly that he was the type that “didn’t like putting labels on relationships.” He was recently arrested and charged with possession and distributing child pornography.
I think you can see the trend here. It seems that every guy I fall for ends up… well, being involved in some kind of criminal activity, either as the perpetrator or the victim. It’s gotten to the point now where I’m afraid to even attempt to flirt with a guy I find attractive. I know this is a completely irrational way to think, so I’m turning to you for advice. How can I go about beating this curse and finally find a guy who won’t end up like the rest? Or is this one of those weird cases where I’m just going to have to let Fate decide for me?
– Stuck in the Middle (America)
DEAR STUCK IN THE MIDDLE: Before I get into this SitMA, I want to make it abundantly clear that you aren’t doing these things. You had nothing to do with the fate that befell your high-school crush, nor did you have anything to do with the horrifying home-life that your friend from middle-school had. This is going to sound dismissive and it’s not meant to, but that’s just really bad luck. As for the rest… I think the biggest issue is that you’re in a bad situation and that is affecting things more than anything else.
You’re in one of those backwards parts of America where being open and out about being gay is a very bad idea. This puts a serious whammy on your dating life because trying to meet people often means literally taking your life in your hands. It’s hard to meet a good guy when it’s hard to meet any guy in the first place. So your dating pool – already relatively limited – is limited even further. This means the odds of a string of bad (ranging from “that a—-hole who cheated on me” to “Oh holy God, the cops pulled a monster off the street”) boyfriends goes up significantly.
Circumstances like these can be especially bad because it gives bad actors and predators – like your rapist (and also, holy hell, I’m so sorry that happened to you) – an advantage because there are a lot of inexperienced boys and young men out there looking for love who also have a lot of motivation to keep things quiet.
Another thing that’s going on is that there’s some x-factor about these guys that you find attractive. Now don’t get me wrong: I’m not saying that you’re at fault at all, nor am I saying you’re attracted to scumbags. What I am saying is that – much like with the ugly myth that women like a—-holes, there’s some trait that these guys share that happens to come up a lot in dudes who are frequently in trouble with the law in one way or another.
Maybe it’s that they’re the ones willing to flaunt social convention. Maybe they’re more confident or assertive than some of the other guys you’ve met. Maybe there’s an recklessness or adventurousness that you find appealing. But – as I’m always saying – while a—-holes and scumbags may have those traits, there’re plenty of good people who have them too. It’s correlation, not causation.
There’s also the possibility of some self-sabotage coming into play. If you have issues with depression or low self-esteem or self-worth – or if you’ve internalized the blame for what happened to you and your friends – it’s entirely possible that there’s a part of you that leads you to be into guys that you know are no good for you because you’re subconsciously punishing yourself. Sometimes people will pick partners that they know at some level are bad for them, because they don’t believe they deserve to be happy.
So how do you beat this curse? Well, my first suggestion is a wildly impractical one in the immediate term, but if I’m perfectly honest, it’s the one I’d focus on: get the hell out of there. Sock away every single dime you can spare and start making plans to find a new, more LGBT-friendly place to live where you and others can be open without being as at-risk as you are right now. A larger, safer and more open LGBT population means that there are more opportunities to meet people, and that means more chances to find a good guy who’s right for you. It also means you’ll be happier and enjoy life more in general, which can help improve the odds of finding the right guy.
The other thing to do in the meantime is to do some self-exploring and trying to sort out just what it is that you’re attracted to in men. The more you can zoom in on what it was that all these guys had in common, the more you can start looking for guys who have that same x-factor while doing a whole lot of due diligence to filter out the criminals and the predators.
And if you are having any sort of emotional issues… well, it can be good to get some help there too. The always-excellent Captain Awkward has a great post on her site about finding low-cost or even free mental health care, and it may be worth your time checking that out too.
Good luck. And write back to let us know how you’re doing.
Dr. Nerdlove is not a real doctor. Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, firstname.lastname@example.org)