DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I met this guy on Bumble, and I am attracted to him (maybe not at first). On our first date, he expressed, “I am not ready to jump into a relationship yet. Let’s do things casually first and see”; whereas I said, “I don’t want to do casual because I tried in the past and I can’t be casual”. To be clear, CASUAL to us here means that we just have fun with each other while still being free to see someone else (his definition, I went along). In the end, I compromised that we would keep things casual in order to get to know each other better before we move on to a committed relationship (because this is what I want). He agreed. He and I are both 26. Needless to say, that was a recipe for failure.
After 3 weeks of hanging out (in his apartment, watching tv, eating dinner and having sex), I was feeling lonely when this guy I’ve been sleeping with still felt so estranged. [Of note, we met on the 1st week of October, on the 2nd week he was on a business trip until Sunday, and on the 3rd and 4th visits he had to prepare for a 1-month trip home to India, all of which was why I was ok to hangout late at night in his apartment and why I was lonely] I lightly expressed my confusion by jokingly said, “Why made me like you in the first place if you’re just going to leave me alone on Halloween and then off to India for 1 month lol”. I thought he would reply with some joke expressing his affection towards me, but to my surprise, he said “You don’t have to wait for me. I told you I’m going to be busy”. I thought he liked me (at some amount at least), but that sentence told me that he didn’t care if I stayed or not. That’s when I decided to end things (before I liked him more) but before I got to say anything, he texted me a few days later asking about my day, giving attention, like nothing major happened between us. I had a define-the-relationship conversation again; he told me not to wait until he was in India. Thus, I asked him if a casual relationship was all that he ever wanted with me. To which he answered, “The casual thing is just a period, not the whole thing. He wants to see where things go with me”. So I told him to text me if he’s still interested in dating me, and because I am not able to be attracted to 2 people at the same time, I don’t think I will change my mind after he’s gone. He smiled and said, “I will text you”.
During the first 2 weeks in India, we chatted and did some sexting, until problems arose again. He bragged to me that he got hit up by girls (who he admitted were pretty) in a club, which is something that never happened to him before. When I asked if he intended to hang out with them again, he replied, “not sure. I’m spending the weekend with my parents”. This is where I blew up. I was mad and had a hard time understanding my emotions. We are casual so I have no right to be mad that he may decide to hang out with those girls again. But we’re seeing each other with the intention to have something real later, is it ok for him or me to think about seeing someone else in the meantime under the name of being casual to each other? I brought my confusion to him again in the hope of finding some clarity or boundaries, with him saying that “we don’t owe anything to each other”, “I made assumptions and overthink”, “don’t wait for him”, “we should not talk while I’m traveling and wait until I come back”. So I agreed to stop talking to him until he came back to the US. If we are still both interested, we can reach out then… I still like him, but I am seriously thinking about ending it all when it causes so much heartache and confusion.
My questions are: Was I the overthinking one, who wrecked a good thing, by trying to define things too soon? Or was he the one who misled me (maybe without his knowing)? I KNOW I’M ASKING HIM SOMETHING HE DOESN’T HAVE. If that’s so, should I try a bit more, or end things now cause this is going nowhere? There’s a high chance that he will contact me when he gets back because he’s always said that every time we mentioned India.
Two Track Relationship
DEAR TWO TRACK RELATIONSHIP: OK, TTR, I’m going to be blunt here. You didn’t wreck a good thing by trying to define things too soon… because this wasn’t a good thing. It wasn’t from the jump and it won’t be, no matter how much work you try to put into it.
I want to point out precisely where things went wrong with this relationship: right when you said you “compromised” on what this relationship could be. What you agreed to wasn’t a compromise. What you agreed to was exactly what he said he wanted – to be casual and see what happened. The only difference is that you got the impression that this was definitely going to lead to commitment and he was still very much on the “we will see” part – and it seems that you agreed to this in a way that means that he could just continue to kick the metaphorical can down the road for eternity.
Honestly, if you know that what you want is a committed, monogamous relationship, you need to date people who are also looking for committed, monogamous relationships. The fact that he wasn’t looking for that and said so up front should have been your sign to say “ok, we’re looking for different things, best of luck in your search” and moved on to someone else.
But you didn’t and now here we are.
Now I want to be clear that I’m not giving this dude a free pass. For one thing, I feel the same way about what he did “compromising” with you as I do for folks who promise to “consider” something their partner asked for with no intention of ever actually doing it – it’s a s--tty thing to do and it’s fundamentally dishonest, regardless of how “technically” true it may be.
But what I have a bigger issue with is the way he’s behaving. He’s doing something a lot of guys in casual relationships do: he’s treating you casually. You two weren’t really dating so much as he had convenient sex on tap. Small wonder that you felt lonely even while you were with him.
But I’d also note that his treating you casually includes his rather dismissive and frankly cold behavior. This is something guys in casual or FWB relationships often do in part because they got it in their heads that if they act even vaguely nice to their FWB that she’s going to catch feelings. He’s driving home, over and over again, that this is “CASUAL” and so you shouldn’t expect much from him. The “I told you what this was, you don’t have to wait for me” is basically a fig leaf to cover his ass – a way of pretending that what he’s acting isn’t cold and dismissive. He’s justifying it with “I told her what this was, even though I know that’s not what she wants nor what she really agreed to” to himself and to others.
And yet somehow it still hurts when he does it. Go figure.
He gave you just enough attention to keep you from dumping him entirely (because he wants to f--k), but no actual promises or indications of genuine intent… until, at least, he was overseas and f--king other people. He doesn’t want you bugging him while he’s gone because he doesn’t want the buzzkill, but he wants to keep you on the hook for when he gets back.
Look, TTR, you never should’ve dated this guy in the first place. You wanted different things and trying to force this was a mistake on your part when it should have been obvious from the jump that it wasn’t going to work. But he’s also being a profound dick to you, clearly has no intention of ever actually committing to a monogamous relationship and apparently doesn’t give a six-legged rat’s ass about the fact that his behavior’s hurting you while trying to get what he wants out of this arrangement.
This relationship is a dead plant. It’ s never going to grow, so stop watering it. Dump his ass now. You don’t need to wait for him to come home first and honestly, I don’t really see any need to respond to his disrespect by waiting or hashing things out. There’s nothing to say here besides “it’s over, forget my number”.
And then next time, when someone tells you that they want something that’s diametrically opposed to what you are looking for, believe them instead of thinking that this is something you can negotiate.
Good luck.
Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com