DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am writing to ask for advice. My friend recently discovered that her live in boyfriend of two years was hiding $55k of credit card debt. He barely contributes to household expenses and is not forthcoming of the details or amounts of his debt. He does consume alcohol and vape, for which my friend has asked him to stop several times. She’s asking for my advice, and I want to be fair and realistic. Can you help?
Not Saying He’s A Gold Digger
DEAR NOT SAYING HE’S A GOLD DIGGER: I have questions, NSHGD – the first being “what is he spending his money on?”, with the the second being “how the pluperfect f--k did he rack up FIFTY FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS in credit card debt without the card companies shutting his cards off until he paid up?”
Honestly, I would be a bit worried about how the hell he’s been able to reach that level in secret, without the knock-on effects showing up somewhere.
Is he one of the last bag-holders who thinks that his memestonk will take off when the MOASS hits? Did he just keep applying for every credit card that came his way and maxing it out? Does he think his NFTs will be worth something again once everyone comes to their senses? Did he assume that he could make it as a professional poker player and just kept throwing money at it until he realized vaping and drinking cost less and did more?
But honestly, the hows and whys – assuming that your friend isn’t going to have a couple of loan sharks knocking on her door and his knees – are a little less important than what to do about it.
So… you know how I’m regularly saying “Dr. NerdLove is not a doctor”? Well… Dr. NerdLove is not an accountant or financial expert either, and absolutely shouldn’t be relied upon for financial advice. With that in mind…
Your friend’s boyfriend reminds me a little of the ex-husband of a friend of mine. He had a blue-collar job that paid very well… and yet somehow he was always broke. Despite making a very comfortable living wage and (supposedly) sharing in the household finances, he was constantly living paycheck to paycheck. It was a mystery precisely where his money was going since the only things he ever seemed to spend it on were weed, cigarettes, scratch-off cards and beer. But not only was his paycheck gone almost as soon as he got it, but he was neck deep in debt.
When my friend finally had enough and realized she needed to leave him, the first thing she sat down and tried to figure out whether she could afford to divorce him. After going through the bills and double checking who was paying for what, she realized that she was, in fact, paying for everything except his car insurance and his beer and smokes habit… so divorcing him would actually reduce her monthly bills. And, thankfully, since her name was on everything important and they maintained separate accounts, his financial shenanigans didn’t negatively affect her.
Now, I bring this all up to say: your friend should double and triple check that everything she’s paying for is in her name, and her name alone. She should also, under no circumstances, cosign on anything with him, co-mingle her finances or any assets she may hold with his, nor – and I’m not kidding here – get married. The financial drain of living with him is bad enough; she doesn’t want her credit rating get tied up with his, nor find herself even vaguely responsible for his debts in any way, shape or form.
The bare minimum of what she should do is to make sure that she’s insulated from his financial chicanery; her boyfriend may not realize it yet, but he’s a sinking ship, and she doesn’t want to go down with him. But that’s a temporary measure at best.
While I don’t believe someone needs to be financial wizard, make a certain income or debt free to be in a relationship, it sounds like your friend’s beaux is seriously irresponsible with money. That tends to be a warning sign about whether somebody is going to be a good partner. Sure, the plagues that are medical and college debt (among other things) often leave people saddled with five and six figure debt… that’s usually not something people try to hide and it’s certainly not something that’s usually carried entirely on credit cards.
(And also, considering the APR on credit debt, it would be a very stupid way to try to manage it.)
If her boyfriend was carrying the secret debt, not paying into the household bills but was contributing in other material ways – doing the household chores, cooking, maintenance, etc. – then I could see the value in having a very serious talk about this, including possibly insisting on his going to seek credit counseling. However, the secrecy around the debt, the lack of contributing to their shared living space and the rest makes it sound like the better option would be to push this particular anchor overboard before he takes her down with him.
From what you’ve said, it doesn’t sound like he’s in good working order, and the drain he presents isn’t being balanced in any meaningful way that would make their relationship feel equitable. Considering the potential financial risk he presents and the damage it could do if her credit and finances are in any way tied to his? I think the best thing she could do is kick him to the curb and find someone who’s not carrying new-luxury-car levels of mystery debt and who actually shares equitably in the maintenance of the relationship and their home.
Here’s to hoping your friend listens to you.
Good luck.
Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com