DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am recovering from a narcissistic relationship. I am also in recovery from substance abuse. Can he sue me for anything if I talk about him in a group? We all know these groups are supposed to be anonymous but in small circles…and it is no secret who my ex is. I am not trying to share for attention. In fact, I am humiliated. I am trying to learn how to let go. How to love myself again.
I still feel like I owe it to him to let him know that I will be sharing and what I intend to share. Of course he looks terrible. I am learning where my part is too. I would swear/promise on a stack of bibles, balanced on my Mother’s head that this is not for spite. I desperately want to move on. I wish I could hate him.
Am I kidding myself of my motives? Is it fair to give him an idea of what I will be sharing about him…I only want to know for legal purposes. I dropped a restraining order against him. Is it a violation to give him a letter with the outline of this group and what my part will be in it? I don’t want to feel like I owe him anything. I don’t. I just don’t need to look like a fool and get in trouble over it when I just want to do what is right for me and my daughters. Thank you.
Not So Anonymous
DEAR NOT SO ANONYMOUS: I’m sure you’ve seen my standard disclaimer that Dr. NerdLove is not a real doctor, NSA. Well, we’re going to add to that: despite the sheer volume of Law and Order reruns I’ve consumed over my lifetime, Dr. NerdLove is emphatically NOT a lawyer, nor a paralegal or even a particularly talented bulls--t artist. So I am in no way, shape or form the person to ask for legal advice. The only insight that I could give is that someone who’s suitably motivated could probably find a lawyer to draw up a lawsuit about literally anything.
Whether it would actually stand up in court is another matter… but the stress and the expense of dealing with even a bulls--t suit can be significant.
So I would strongly suggest that you direct any legal questions to an lawyer, not a loudmouth with an advice column. But there is something in your letter that’s within my remit…
Let me ask you something, NSA: why are you thinking of telling your ex, your abuser, that you’re planning on talking about him in recovery?
To start with the obvious: outlining the group and your participation in it kinda violates the whole “anonymous” part of the equation… and not just your anonymity. Your telling him about this runs the risk of not just revealing your participation in the group, but others’, too. Everyone in a substance addiction recovery program has the right to decide who does or doesn’t get to know about their journey. Your telling him could end up exposing other people as well, and that’s deeply unfair and s--tty of you to do so. That may not be what you intend, but intentions, as the saying goes, aren’t magic, and consequences don’t change just because that wasn’t what you intended.
This could end up causing issues in the lives of people who have nothing to do with you or your ex, leading to consequences that could be devastating for them, despite having done nothing to bring it on themselves.
For their sake alone, I’d say you shouldn’t be reaching out to your ex with details about what you plan to say in recovery.
Is it possible that someone in the group might reach out and betray you to him, since folks would know who your ex is? Sure, it’s possible – people have violated the anonymity of celebrities in rehab and recovery, so there’s no reason to believe they wouldn’t do so to someone who was fame-adjacent. But that’s not something you can control. You’d be better off talking to the group lead or your sponsor about the possibility than to try to preempt it yourself with an – and I can’t stress this enough – incredibly ill-advised letter.
But more importantly: why, in pluperfect f--kery, are you thinking of having any contact with him at all? What are you hoping to have happen by telling him that you’re going to drop deets in group? Are you hoping that the threat of being exposed will do… something? Make him feel bad? Cause him to have consequences for his actions? Prod him to apologize? Change his ways, lest people find out he’s an abusive s--tbag?
Spoiler alert: none of that is going to happen. If anything, this runs the risk of making things worse. Narcissists rarely take well to pushback like this, and they especially don’t like it when their victims try to control their own narrative. Telling him that you’re going to talk about him could well trigger another cycle of abuse and efforts at controlling and punishing you… including possibly inciting him to sue you just for the sake of inflicting pain, even if his lawsuit is tossed out.
Quite frankly, having any contact with him, even if it’s just a letter in the mail, is a mistake. Giving him even the slightest opening or means of contacting you is giving him an invitation to worm his way back into your life. He already knows your weak points and what buttons to push. If you give him an inch, he’s going to take a mile and you’re going to have a much harder time getting rid of him again.
You owe him nothing. You broke up with him and you left. That’s the end of it. If you want closure, you have to give it to yourself. If you want him to understand what he did wrong… well, you can wish for it with all your heart, but it’s not going to happen. You’re not going to be the bullet that pierces his defense. Contacting him at all has no upside for you, just downsides.
There really is only one way to deal with your ex here, and that’s to cut him off entirely. No contact means precisely that: no contact. You don’t email him, you don’t send him physical mail, you don’t keep him on social media; you take the nuclear option and cut all ties, all means he has of reaching you. If you want what’s best for you and your daughters, that’s keeping him as far away and out of your life as possible.
Keep the wall separating him from you high, thick and impregnable. You worked hard enough to get away from this guy, NSA. Don’t ruin that by giving him an opportunity to worm his way back into your life.
And ask a lawyer about what he might try and what you can do about it.
Good luck.
Top of Form
Bottom of Form
Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com