DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I just want to say I really enjoy your content. It’s great that the self-help advice you give to guys like me isn’t toxic, like most of the other stuff you find online.
I just want a bit of clarification about something you have said numerous times throughout your work. You explain how women enjoy sex as much as men do and that is helpful to you guys struggling to date or be sexually active. But how can that be helpful for a guy like me? If women want enjoyable sex then they will go with the guys that are very attractive and good at sex. I’m sure women take one look at me and can tell I’d be trash in bed. I mean, if women enjoy sex, they are sure to go after experienced studs.
I’m not ugly but I am still not super hot. I don’t radiate hyper masculine virility. I am also not particularly experienced sexually. I’m not a virgin, but I have had sex only about six times with maybe 4 partners since I lost my virginity about years ago at age 27.
Why would any woman on Earth want me as a sexual partner when there is little change I can satisfy them in bed? Average looking inexperienced guys like me can’t make women cum like pornstars. I do want to establish that I have no problem with the fact women enjoy sex, they have every right to. I feel no resentment, just sadness. I don’t see what a sexually liberated woman who knows what see wants would want with me when they could find a much more masculine guy that has been with many more partners than me.
I’m not trying to whine here, I genuinely want to understand why the fact that women love sex as men is good for a guy like me and lead me to having a much happier love and sex life.
Thank you for your time,
DEAR LES MANLY: Um, you haven’t just missed the point, LM, you’ve missed a galaxy of points when it comes to women’s sexual agency and pleasure. And a lot of what you’re saying simply isn’t true; it’s a combination of self-limiting beliefs and mistaken ideas about what women are looking for in a partner… or what makes someone a good lover, for that matter.
The first is that numbers don’t mean much when it comes to skill. There’re folks I know who have racked up truly insane numbers of partners… but will never manage to sleep with the same person twice. They can attract ’em, but they’re so awful in bed that they’ll never get a repeat performance. Meanwhile, there’re friends of mine who can count the number of partners they’ve had on the fingers of one hand with plenty to spare, and yet their partners will swear on a stack of bibles that those are the best lovers they’ve ever had, ever.
The next is that “attractive” is a huge moving target. You’re treating attraction as being purely physical, and a very narrow idea of physicality at that. But not only does attraction mean far more than just physical good looks, but “good looks” are a matter of presentation more than anything else. Don’t believe me? Do a search for “celebrities without makeup” or “Instagram vs. Reality”. Or just look up pictures of what Brad Pitt looks like when he’s not shooting movies.
But by the same token, what women consider physically attractive is going to vary drastically. Part of the problem is that you’re buying into an idea about what women are into… but that’s what guys think women are into. If you ask women, you’re going to get vastly different responses. Guys convince themselves that dudes need to look like Henry Caville in The Witcher in order to have half a chance, while scores of women would commit any number of crimes for a chance to lick frosting off Paul Hollywood. And of course, there’s always Serge Gainsbourg — a man who looked like his mother spent too much time in Innsmouth, and yet got ass like he was in a car chase, drove over an ass cart and crashed through a plate-ass window.
But then there’s also the fact that women are attracted to more than just the physical. Guys made fun of the idea that, say, Jon Favreau’s character in Chef could ever hook up with Scarlett Johansson or Sofia Vergara without ever seeing what chef culture is actually like or the men and women who’re into them. A guy who can cook AND treats sex like eating a gourmet meal? That is a dude who is never gonna have a Saturday night alone if he doesn’t want to.
Then there’s the idea that you have to f
k like a porn star to be a great lover. First: you need to realize that porn sex is bad sex; it’s bears as much resemblance to real sex as The Fast and the Furious resembles to driving. It’s all done to look good for the camera, not to actually get someone off.
But more importantly, sex isn’t just about experience or technique. Being a great lover isn’t about knowing how to do the swirly-go-round, the Rusty Venture or the Transylvanian Twist, it’s about connecting with your partner. It’s about communication. Sex is incredibly individualistic; what gets one person off like a rocket is going to make other people’s skin crawl. Just because one person liked it when their lovers would get elbow-deep in them, that doesn’t mean everyone else will too. A big part of being a great lover is simply having a willingness to pay attention, an ability to take direction without letting the ego get in the way and a can-do attitude. Another big part? Being able to use your words and to encourage your partner to use theirs. The more they feel that they can ask for what they want — or better yet, show you — the better a lover you’ll be, because you’ll be able to provide them exactly what it is they need.
Nor are women just looking at you and assuming that you can’t f
k. I can tell you from experience: you can’t predict sexual skill by somebody’s looks. The worst sexual experiences I’ve had have been with women who had bodies that would make a priest kick in a stain-glass window… and they had all of the sexuality of a dead fish. Some of the most amazing, freak-nasty lovers I’ve ever had, on the other hand, had been people you would never suspect.
Now, if you want to work on your visual appeal, then there are things you can do. Working on your presentation is a start. Learning how to dance is another thing that can help; a strong sense of rhythm, an ability to move your hips as well as to lead and follow? That’ll all help. But those are supplements, not requirements. The surest way to be someone that women will want to take home is simply to work on learning how to connect with them. Sexual attraction is as much in the brain and the heart as it is in the groin; if you want to get into someone’s pants, being able to get into their head. If they can’t get you off their mind, they’ll want you getting them off later.
Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, firstname.lastname@example.org