Dear Ilana and Jess: My two daughters are 3.5 years apart. One is eight, the other is eleven. Every year, birthdays are a problem. When it’s one daughter’s turn, the other becomes snippy and annoyed. Sometimes, they have full-blown arguments. How can I stop this cycle? - Kristen

Dear Kristen: It happens to be both of our birthdays this week, so you picked a good topic. Sibling rivalry is a common problem and birthdays can exaggerate it. If one girl is jealous when the other gets individualized attention, it’s indicative of a larger issue. Make sure you’re reinforcing the right kind of attention. For example, if one of your daughters is pouting when it’s not her turn, are you trying to placate her? Don’t. In doing so, you’re only making it more likely she’ll pout again. On the other hand, if your daughter is waiting patiently, celebrating her sister, or doing anything else praise-worthy, make sure to heap on the kudos. This will ensure they’re both getting attention for the right reasons.

Help the girls build tolerance. It’s not always your turn or your day. That’s a fact of life. Resist the urge to make things “fair” and “equal.” If you try to make everything about everyone all of the time things will only be worse when that can’t be achieved. It’s important for both of the girls to get comfortable out of the spotlight and learn that they are worthy; regardless of whether they’re getting attention in a given moment.

Set expectations early in the day. Let the girls know how it’s going to go and how you expect them to behave. Tell them when celebrations are starting, who’s coming, and what you’d like to see from them. Offer a reward for the behavior you want; if the non-birthday girl shows patience and respect, she can get a small present or other treat at the end of the day. Just make sure you don’t overshadow the birthday girl.

Say This: “Girls, it’s ____’s birthday today. We’re having a party and the family will be here. _____, I want you to make sure to wish your sister a happy birthday and sit patiently when she’s opening her presents. If you do, there will be a special treat for you at the end of the day.”

Not That: “Your birthday is next!”

Happy Birthday to your daughter!

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Dear Ilana and Jess: My teenage daughter has such a brutal time with self-esteem, specifically in terms of her looks. I don’t know how to help her. Advice? — Rudy

Dear Rudy: As you can imagine, teen girls get little reprieve from the pressure to look good. Social media has made unattainable success in all domains — including conventional beauty — feel unrealistically attainable. It’s all too easy to detach from reality and get lost in fantasy. With that in mind —

Remember that compliments won’t do much. You’re her parent, she’s your daughter. She will dismiss certain praise out-of-hand. Besides, you’re fanning the fire by implying that she has something to compete with or live up to.

Help your daughter focus on what makes her look her own. She can’t be just like those Instagram influencers, but she can be herself. Have your daughter make a list of what she likes about her own appearance, specifically. Don’t be particular about what she includes on the list — it can be her toes for all that matters. The point is to get her in the habit of thinking about herself positively. Expect resistance and heavy sarcasm and don’t be deterred.

Take a social media cleanse. While it may feel like a right to your teen, social media is a privilege. If it’s not being used appropriately or healthfully, it’s time to step back. If you need to impose parental restrictions on the phone, go ahead and do so, but start by framing it as a shared undertaking. Take a break yourself and do it as a family. Start by having a phones-free dinner or a one-night “fast” from the phone. The more your daughter is thinking about the world outside Instagram, the less focused on it she’ll be.

Say This: “I want you to make a list of ten things you truly like about yourself and/or your appearance. It doesn’t matter what you put on it, as long as it’s true. And yes, you can think of ten things.”

Not That: “Stop comparing yourself!” (It’s good advice, but it won’t change her behavior).

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Dear Ilana and Jess: The new year always starts with big ideas and resolutions, but my family can never seem to follow through. One of our goals as a family is to reduce conflict in the new year, but we aren’t sure how to go about it. Any suggestions? - Freida

Dear Freida: Happy New Year! Your problem is a common one, and we’ve talked about goal-setting plenty of times. Now, let’s tackle yours.

First, keep in mind that this goal, like all others, needs to be clearly outlined. Figure out as a family how you define conflict. Some conflict is healthy and necessary; make sure you’re not conflating disagreement for disarray. Once you’ve defined conflict, you can make a concrete plan to reduce it.

Create rules of engagement. Make sure to fight fair by setting and keeping boundaries. A good one that we always recommend is no yelling or screaming; if you feel yourself becoming that heated, take a break and try the conversation again in 10 minutes. Whatever rules you decide on, they should make sense for your family and help to increase respect between all members.

Learn how to say, “I don’t understand where you’re coming from.” The best way to decrease conflict is to increase empathy. Before you jump in with the hot take, try to understand where the other party is coming from. If you can’t, that’s a problem. Before you proceed, ask to hear their thought process. And, when they explain it to you…

Be willing to listen. You don’t have to agree to understand. When someone is sharing a perspective, pay attention to how they drew their conclusions. Remember that every conversation is an interaction of personalities, mood, and past experiences; there are a lot of reasons we are the way we are. Keep them all in mind when you try to understand why someone thinks the way they do.

Say This: “I genuinely don’t understand what makes you say/think that. Could you please explain it a little more?”

Not That: “Are you serious?!”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION