Dear Ilana and Jess: The new year always starts with big ideas and resolutions, but my family can never seem to follow through. One of our goals as a family is to reduce conflict in the new year, but we aren’t sure how to go about it. Any suggestions? - Freida

Dear Freida: Happy New Year! Your problem is a common one, and we’ve talked about goal-setting plenty of times. Now, let’s tackle yours.

First, keep in mind that this goal, like all others, needs to be clearly outlined. Figure out as a family how you define conflict. Some conflict is healthy and necessary; make sure you’re not conflating disagreement for disarray. Once you’ve defined conflict, you can make a concrete plan to reduce it.

Create rules of engagement. Make sure to fight fair by setting and keeping boundaries. A good one that we always recommend is no yelling or screaming; if you feel yourself becoming that heated, take a break and try the conversation again in 10 minutes. Whatever rules you decide on, they should make sense for your family and help to increase respect between all members.

Learn how to say, “I don’t understand where you’re coming from.” The best way to decrease conflict is to increase empathy. Before you jump in with the hot take, try to understand where the other party is coming from. If you can’t, that’s a problem. Before you proceed, ask to hear their thought process. And, when they explain it to you…

Be willing to listen. You don’t have to agree to understand. When someone is sharing a perspective, pay attention to how they drew their conclusions. Remember that every conversation is an interaction of personalities, mood, and past experiences; there are a lot of reasons we are the way we are. Keep them all in mind when you try to understand why someone thinks the way they do.

Say This: “I genuinely don’t understand what makes you say/think that. Could you please explain it a little more?”

Not That: “Are you serious?!”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

This week, we want to wish everyone a very Happy Holiday Season! From our family to yours, Happy Holidays and Happy New Year. We’ll see you in 2020! – Ilana & Jess

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Dear Ilana and Jess: My 7-year-old daughter has difficulty when we have lots of guests, as we do during Christmas and New Year’s. She tends to get overstimulated and upset. How can I help her cope? — Stan

Dear Stan: We’re sorry to hear that your daughter is struggling! Fortunately, there are a lot of ways to make the holidays easier for her.

First, let your daughter take breaks. Socializing can be a draining prospect, even (and perhaps especially) for someone as young as your daughter. Help her build stamina incrementally by letting her mingle in short bursts. Allow her to take a break every so often, so she can refresh and come back renewed. This will help her engage more effectively when she is present.

Establish clear cut expectations. When asking your daughter to socialize, be specific about what you’d like her to do. For example, you might say, “Honey, I want you to say ‘hi’ to everyone and ask them how they’re doing. They’ll probably ask you how you are and what you’re learning in school, so let’s think about what you might tell them.” Make sure to go through the specific language she’ll use, so that she’s truly prepared to speak up.

Practice! They say it makes perfect for a reason. If your daughter is overwhelmed by large groups, a lack of preparation will only make it worse. Once you’ve gone through different conversation points, practice them each in turn. Roleplay specific discussions she might have beat-for-beat and try to go off script now and again.

Say This: “Honey, I want you to say ‘hi’ to everyone and ask them how they’re doing. They’ll probably ask you how you are and what you’re learning in school, so let’s think about what you might tell them.”

Not That: “Why don’t you want to spend time with your family?”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION