Dear Ilana and Jess: My kids want elaborate Halloween costumes this year. The ones they’ve picked are adorable, but so expensive. We really can’t afford to buy three costumes at those prices. How can I explain this to them? – Patricia

Dear Patricia: It’s a fact that the costumes are unaffordable, so first, establish realistic expectations for yourself before communicating them to your children. While the kids probably can’t understand the details of your family’s financial constraints, it’s always a good idea to be honest with them. Explaining what the kids need to know, in an age-appropriate way, can give them deeper understanding and alleviate some frustration. For example, you might start out by saying to the kids: “I love the costumes you’ve picked out! Unfortunately, we can’t afford to buy a costume at this price. Every family is different, and we have to make the best we can with what our family has.”

In every obstacle, there’s an opportunity. Once you explain the limitations, instill hope and demonstrate how the kids can create an awesome Halloween costume. Say this: “Even though we can’t afford the specific costume you picked out, we can make something just like it together. Why don’t we go to the craft store together after school on Friday to pick out all the materials you need and get started?” The more fun and collaborative you make the process, the more you prime your kids to feel excited. Not the crafting kind? See if you can construct the costume by purchasing clothing items that look similar to the costume itself. Then, you can then find accessories at a local party store that really make it feel authentic.

Say This: “I love the costume you’ve picked out! Unfortunately, we can’t afford to buy a costume at this price. Every family is different, and we have to make the best we can with what our family has. Even though we can’t afford the specific costume you picked out, we can make something just like it together. Why don’t we go to the craft store together after school on Friday to pick out all the materials you need and get started?”

Not That: “We just can’t afford this. You need to pick something else.”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Dear Ilana and Jess: Whenever I disagree with my daughter, she launches a full-blown shouting match. How can I prevent things from blowing up so quickly? – Charles

Dear Charles: First things first; you’re the parent, right? That means you take the lead in setting the tone and boundaries.

If your daughter is at the point of screaming, your first move is to disengage. You can do that by saying this: “We’re not going to talk if you’re screaming. Let’s take 10 and come back to this.” To make sure the message sticks, walk out of the room. Set a timer on your phone or watch and relocate your daughter when the 10 minutes are up. You can restart the conversation by guiding her directly: “Okay, let’s restart. I want you to tell me in a conversational voice what’s bothering you.” If your daughter seems flustered, you can give her the language she needs to express herself. For example: “It’s clear that you’re angry with me because I said no to the party this weekend. You can say to me directly, ‘Dad, I’m really mad that you said, ‘no.’ The party is going to be fun and a lot of my friends are going.’ Then, I’d be happy to talk more about why the answer is, ‘no,’ and see if we can come up with some alternatives.”

If your daughter begins screaming again, the process repeats. After two or three attempts, you may need to dissolve the conversation entirely. To do that, say this: “It’s clear that this topic is still too emotional. We’ll try again tomorrow.” While your daughter may not like this response, you’re teaching her what is and is not acceptable communication. Boundaries are often resisted, but they’re in place for a reason.

Finally, remember that not every grievance warrants a discussion. Sometimes, the answer is just, “no.”

Say This: “We’re not going to talk if you’re screaming. Let’s take 10 and come back to this.”

Not That: Any response involving shouting back.

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Dear Ilana and Jess: My 13-year-old daughter gets overwhelmed easily and I want to help her. What can I say that will be useful in the moment? – Josephine

Dear Josephine: When someone is escalated, they first have to de-escalate before you can come in with facts or reason. A common mistake (well-meaning) parents often make is to downplay the worry or explain it away. Start by directing your daughter to pause and take a deep breath. This will help ease her emotional reactivity and reset for a productive conversation.

Next, help your daughter identify what’s bothering her. Sometimes, just giving her the language to say, “I’m feeling really overwhelmed,” can be very helpful. For example, if your daughter is saying, “I can’t do this,” replacing that phrase with, “I don’t know where to begin,” helps reframe the problem in a way that lends itself to a solution.

Finally, help your daughter outline the best next step. Go too many steps ahead and you may overwhelm her further. Try your best to take things one at a time and to help her do the same. For example, let’s say that your daughter is confused by the directions for her book report. Step one might be having her email her teacher to ask specific, clarifying questions. If that’s not feasible, she might contact a classmate. Once this step has been fulfilled, ask your daughter: “Now that you have the information, what can you do next?” If she’s unsure, help guide her: “Why don’t we break apart these instructions and you’ll fulfill one component of the assignment at a time. If you have a question about it, you can reference the email/your friend’s text.”

Remember, the best thing you can do for your daughter is teach her how to solve her own problems.

Say This: “Let’s take a deep breath. Good, now that we’ve done that, let’s take this problem apart piece by piece. It seems like you’re really overwhelmed by this project. So, I want you to start by saying, ‘I’m really overwhelmed by this assignment.’ Next, we’ll figure out one step you can take to help address this problem.”

Not That: “It’ll all work out.”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION