Dear Ilana and Jess: During the school year, my family is a well-oiled machine. Come summer, all of our routines seem to unravel. My seventeen-year-old son, Abe, sleeps all day. I literally can’t get him out of bed. My fourteen-year-old twins go to camp for half the day, then they’re home with me, bored out of their minds. I dread the summer every year. How do I fix this? - Tori

Dear Tori: It’s common for families to lose their rhythm in the summer. But, what you’re describing is a total breakdown of structure. Let’s tackle one thing at a time to get the machine up and running again.

First, anytime there’s potential for a health-related concern, we always advise speaking with a medical professional. Before you treat Abe’s poor sleep habits like a behavioral problem, make sure that’s what they are. (For the sake of this column, we’re writing under the assumption that he has no medical issues impacting his sleep.)

Now is the perfect time for Abe to get a summer job that gets him out of bed in the morning (or, at least before noon). Make employment a requirement, so he doesn’t shirk the task. At 17, Abe will want money to spend on gas, his friends, etc. If you’re the source of his cash flow, put a lid on it. If Abe’s working for allowance, make on-time wakeup necessary for earning. You’ll be the bad guy in the short-term, but in the long-term, you’re helping him help himself.

At 14, your twins are old enough to get involved in the community. Once a week, sit down together as a family to make a list of ideas for afternoon activities. You can reach out to your local library, town recreation center, YMCA, and/or Boys & Girls Club to ask about recreational and volunteer opportunities (see last week’s column for more ideas). If you find a summer program the twins are interested in, you may not need another meeting!

Finally, remember that it’s not your responsibility to keep your kids entertained. As they get older, it’s important that they learn to entertain themselves.

Say This: “Once a week, we’re going to sit down together and plan at least two things for you to do when you get out of camp in the afternoon. I’m going to give you some ideas, and I’d like you to each come up with two of your own.”

Not That: “You say you can’t wait until summer, then when summer gets here, you’re bored.”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Dear Ilana and Jess: I want to take advantage of the summer months and get in some good, quality time with my kids. My son is 14 and my daughter is 16. Any suggestions? -Adrienne

Dear Adrienne: We like the way you think. It’s always a good idea to be intentional about quality time with family.

There are plenty of summer activities that lend themselves to quality time. Some things to look for when planning them: opportunities for mutual enjoyment and participation, engaging or goal-oriented tasks, and outings that give you something to talk about.

You might start by searching for the nearest state park. Entry to federal or state parks is often free and your family can do any number of things there: hiking, swimming, picnicking, biking, even bird watching. You may want to have everyone suggest an activity for the outing, to ensure that it’s fun for all.

If nature is not your thing, you can still get outside and go for a walk at your local park. A casual stroll is a good way to catch up, free of the distractions and responsibilities at home.

If you’re a family that enjoys fitness, exercising together can be a great way to bond. It requires minimal interaction, which can be especially good for untalkative teenagers. Some towns run their own 5ks, many of which are free or cheap to join. Not only can you run the 5k together, but you can train as a family, enjoying quality time long before the day of the race.

Another great way to have quality time is to volunteer together. You can log onto volunteermatch.org to find opportunities in your area. You can also reach out to local religious leaders and ask how you can help give back to your community. Not only will you make wonderful family memories, but you’ll be doing something meaningful together.

Finally, don’t underestimate the fun of a great movie night!

Say This: “I’d love for us to spend some time this summer enjoying the outdoors, volunteering, and enjoying one another’s company. I thought we might go to a state park this weekend. How does that sound?”

Not That: “We need to spend more time together this summer. What do you want to do?”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Dear Ilana and Jess: My daughter, Leigh, is saying she probably won’t go to prom. I think she’ll regret missing this rite of passage, but I don’t want to force her to do anything she doesn’t want to do. What’s the right call, here? -Lora

Dear Lora: When it comes to teenagers, it can be hard to tease out whether a decision is impulsive or insightful. But, your question isn’t really one of right or wrong. So, let’s preface this week’s column by saying that, whether you agree with Leigh’s final decision or not, it is hers to make. Here’s how you can help her make a good one (without making it for her).

What distinguishes a good decision from a bad one comes down to rationale and outcome. For example, if Leigh is avoiding the prom in response to anxiety, frustration, rejection, or low self-esteem, skipping it may reinforce these issues. You might broach the conversation by saying to Leigh: “I’m curious about why you’re on the fence about prom.” Demonstrating interest, rather than judgment or worry, is a good way to encourage honest discussion. Don’t assume that Leigh’s desire to sit out the prom means something is wrong.

Since Leigh seems to have already drawn a conclusion, it’s best not to push her to reconsider, unless you have specific concerns. Rites of passage are subjective. For example, for Leigh, the last day of school may be more far more important than prom. The end of senior year comes with many memorable experiences, not the least of which is graduation itself. How Leigh makes meaning is up to her.

Finally, make sure you’re distinguishing your wishes from Leigh’s. Maybe you were really looking forward to dress shopping together, or taking photos before prom. If that’s the case, find another way to honor this special time in her life. You might still take a photo to commemorate the milestone, shop for a graduation ensemble, or even visit Leigh’s future university.

Say This: “I’m curious about why you’re on the fence about prom.”

Not That: “Prom is a rite of passage! You’ll regret it forever if you don’t go!”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION