Dear Ilana and Jess: I want to take advantage of the summer months and get in some good, quality time with my kids. My son is 14 and my daughter is 16. Any suggestions? -Adrienne

Dear Adrienne: We like the way you think. It’s always a good idea to be intentional about quality time with family.

There are plenty of summer activities that lend themselves to quality time. Some things to look for when planning them: opportunities for mutual enjoyment and participation, engaging or goal-oriented tasks, and outings that give you something to talk about.

You might start by searching for the nearest state park. Entry to federal or state parks is often free and your family can do any number of things there: hiking, swimming, picnicking, biking, even bird watching. You may want to have everyone suggest an activity for the outing, to ensure that it’s fun for all.

If nature is not your thing, you can still get outside and go for a walk at your local park. A casual stroll is a good way to catch up, free of the distractions and responsibilities at home.

If you’re a family that enjoys fitness, exercising together can be a great way to bond. It requires minimal interaction, which can be especially good for untalkative teenagers. Some towns run their own 5ks, many of which are free or cheap to join. Not only can you run the 5k together, but you can train as a family, enjoying quality time long before the day of the race.

Another great way to have quality time is to volunteer together. You can log onto volunteermatch.org to find opportunities in your area. You can also reach out to local religious leaders and ask how you can help give back to your community. Not only will you make wonderful family memories, but you’ll be doing something meaningful together.

Finally, don’t underestimate the fun of a great movie night!

Say This: “I’d love for us to spend some time this summer enjoying the outdoors, volunteering, and enjoying one another’s company. I thought we might go to a state park this weekend. How does that sound?”

Not That: “We need to spend more time together this summer. What do you want to do?”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Dear Ilana and Jess: My daughter, Leigh, is saying she probably won’t go to prom. I think she’ll regret missing this rite of passage, but I don’t want to force her to do anything she doesn’t want to do. What’s the right call, here? -Lora

Dear Lora: When it comes to teenagers, it can be hard to tease out whether a decision is impulsive or insightful. But, your question isn’t really one of right or wrong. So, let’s preface this week’s column by saying that, whether you agree with Leigh’s final decision or not, it is hers to make. Here’s how you can help her make a good one (without making it for her).

What distinguishes a good decision from a bad one comes down to rationale and outcome. For example, if Leigh is avoiding the prom in response to anxiety, frustration, rejection, or low self-esteem, skipping it may reinforce these issues. You might broach the conversation by saying to Leigh: “I’m curious about why you’re on the fence about prom.” Demonstrating interest, rather than judgment or worry, is a good way to encourage honest discussion. Don’t assume that Leigh’s desire to sit out the prom means something is wrong.

Since Leigh seems to have already drawn a conclusion, it’s best not to push her to reconsider, unless you have specific concerns. Rites of passage are subjective. For example, for Leigh, the last day of school may be more far more important than prom. The end of senior year comes with many memorable experiences, not the least of which is graduation itself. How Leigh makes meaning is up to her.

Finally, make sure you’re distinguishing your wishes from Leigh’s. Maybe you were really looking forward to dress shopping together, or taking photos before prom. If that’s the case, find another way to honor this special time in her life. You might still take a photo to commemorate the milestone, shop for a graduation ensemble, or even visit Leigh’s future university.

Say This: “I’m curious about why you’re on the fence about prom.”

Not That: “Prom is a rite of passage! You’ll regret it forever if you don’t go!”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Dear Ilana and Jess: It’s that time of the year again. We’re in the final few weeks of school and spring fever is in full swing. Academically, my two teens are throwing in the towel and I suspect they’re barely getting any work done. I don’t want them to self-sabotage just because they’re nearing the end. They’re both juniors in high school and really need to do well. How do I get them to stick it out? -Lucy

Dear Lucy: You’re up against a problem that plagues many teens (and children and adults) every year. It’s an important problem to solve, as nice weather isn’t going anywhere, anytime soon (we hope).

First, help them understand the difference between motivation and follow-through. While motivation is a helpful ingredient for getting things done, it’s not a necessary one. Now is a good time to lean into the rhythms of habit to help maintain momentum. One way to do this is to choose environments that make it easier to focus and work. Even opening their backpacks in the spot where they usually do their work could help your teens get the ball rolling.

When the circumstances don’t provide incentive, your teens can create their own. Taking more breaks than usual can make the process less painful and reduce procrastination.

Encourage them to get outside and exercise. Not only will this help your teens improve their focus, it will satisfy the urge to go out and enjoy the beautiful weather. Thirty minutes outside – especially if that time is spent exercising – can make all the difference for the rest of the evening.

Remind them of the long game. Your teens may not feel motivated to get their work done, but their responsibilities haven’t changed. Their future bosses aren’t going to care how nice the weather was while they weren’t doing their projects. The same principle applies here and now. It can be tempting for teens (especially future-oriented ones) to write the high school years off as a waystation to better things. But they won’t get where they’re going unless they do the groundwork now. Remind your teens that they’re already in the process of building the life they want to lead and that even homework assignments count.

On a very practical level, you should also remind that, even after a university accepts an applicant, they can review the student’s recent transcripts and rescind their offer, if grades have fallen. If your teens don’t believe you, they can ask their guidance counselor.

Say This: “I suggest you both take a break. Get outside for a half an hour. Go for a walk or run, then come back to your homework and reset in a room where you can concentrate. It’ll help.”

Not That: “Have you done your homework yet?”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION