Dear Ilana and Jess: My senior prom is next weekend. I trust myself to say, “no,” if my friends want to do something that I don’t, but I’m still a little worried about how that will go down. How do I say, “no,” without being a party pooper? Is that even possible? - Piper

Dear Piper: Happy Prom! The short answer to your second question is yes. Let’s talk about how (and answer your first question).

Be confident in your delivery. “No,” is, “no.” It’s not “maybe,” “okay,” “sure,” and it’s definitely not, “yes.” Use body language and tone of voice to convey the sincerity and severity of your decision. To do this, stand tall when you speak and use an even, neutral tone. Don’t drag out the letters or elongate your words; this will make you sound uncertain. If people can sense your seriousness, they’re more likely to back off. If they continue to push, don’t be afraid to repeat yourself, or simply walk away.

Practice. It may seem silly, but if you’re anxious about saying, “no,” you should get more comfortable with the word. Practice on your own, with others, in front of the mirror; and do it repeatedly.

Redirect. When your answer is, “no,” you might suggest an alternative to the original proposal. By giving people other options, you may help them reconsider their own decision and move everyone in a better direction.

Find kindred spirits. Your friends are your choice. While you don’t want to only surround yourself with people who always agree with you, the opposite is also true. Choose friends that share your values and standards. Not only will you share a deeper connection, but they’re more likely to join you when it’s time to say, “no.”

If all else fails, remove yourself from the situation. There’s plenty to do at prom (and there will be plenty to do on prom night). Have a backup plan so your night isn’t dependent on the whims of any one person, except you.

Have fun!

�

Say This: “Thanks, but no. I’m good.”

Not That: “I don’t know...” (You do know.)

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Dear Ilana and Jess: I’m a college freshman preparing to take finals for the second time ever. I didn’t do so well during my fall semester. I have back to back review sessions in class this week and I want to make the most of them. How do I take good study notes? — Katie

Dear Katie: To start, let’s define “good study notes.” It’s not about writing down every single thing you hear or read. Most of the time, that’s impossible. All of the time, that’s counterproductive. Good note-staking is about knowing what information to jot down, and what to disregard. Things that shouldn’t make the cut: filler words like “took place on,” (just put the date), and details that don’t make a point. For example, if you’re in a class about British literature and your professor reveals one of Dickens’ quirky habits, you probably don’t need to write it down; unless you plan to use it as a mnemonic device, but, we digress.(In case you don’t know, a mnemonic device is a technique for memorization. We’re sure you’ve heard of using acronyms to remember key words and ideas, like using “Please excuse my dear Aunt Sally,” to remember PEMDAS. Always a good trick!)

Practice note-taking on your own. Start by reading a paragraph of a book (any book) and rewrite it in your own words. Try again after reading two and three paragraphs, then an entire page. To practice writing while someone else speaks, try watching a news segment. On your first round, write the anchors’ dialogue. For the next segment, write down the subject matter and main topics instead. You can also try this with a podcast that uses a lecture format, like This American Life on NPR.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help. If you have a diagnosis that makes it difficult for you to take notes, you’re entitled to academic accommodations. While it may be too late for this semester, it’s a good idea to set yourself up for success in the fall. Talk to your school’s disability service center about the required paperwork; typically, you’ll need a mental health treatment provider to fill out a school-provided form. From there, you may be assigned a notetaker, who will do exactly what their title suggests. If you have difficulty writing, you might also consider asking your professors about taking notes on your laptop and/or recording their lectures.

Compare notes. Ask a classmate or friend to compare notes. That way, you can both see if you’re missing something and fill in the gaps for one another. If they seem to be better at note-taking, ask them for some helpful tips.

Best of luck on your finals!

Say This: “[Professor], to help me keep pace, I was hoping to record lectures and/or bring my laptop to class to take notes during review week. It would also be very helpful if I could obtain a copy of your notes. Please let me know if I may exercise these options. Thank you.”

Not That: “Can I bring my computer to class?”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Dear Ilana and Jess: My children, Addison and Penn, are 23 and 21. They’re both away at college, and it’s getting harder to keep the conversation alive. Now that they don’t need me for much, how do I keep us close? - Vanessa

Dear Vanessa: Setting aside the fact that they will always need you (You’re Mom!) there are plenty of things you can do to stay connected. Your adult kids share the responsibility of keeping in touch, and it’s in everyone’s best interest that you do so. Here’s how you can get the conversation started.

Make time for FaceTime. You may be able to get your message across via text, but that’s not the point. Conversation with family is about more than information exchange. Nothing substitutes seeing someone’s smile or hearing their laugh. Create a family group chat that can be used to update one another, share pictures, videos, and voice recordings. The more senses you incorporate, the better.

Elevate the conversation. They’ll always be your babies, but they’re your adult babies. Now that you’re not reminding them to put gas in the car, do their homework, or clean their bedrooms, there’s a big shift in the conversation. It’s not just about what you can do for them, but what they can do for you, and how you can all relate to one another. Your conversations should reflect this progression. Talk to your kids about interesting articles you’ve read or a documentary you watched. Better yet, share interesting articles/talks/news pieces directly. (See: Group chat).

Get a routine. Taking the initiative is something the kids will need to do for the rest of their lives – whether they’re organizing the holidays at their new place or just want to catch you on the phone before they head into work. Your relationships will be as close as you make them, so devote time consistently to connecting. Find a routine that works for you and the kids and hold them to it. For example, they might call you every Tuesday during their walk to classes/your commute to work. You might have lunch together remotely via FaceTime every Thursday. Whatever format works for you, just make sure it works consistently.

Say This: “Addison/Penn, I love you and I want to make sure we are staying connected, now that you’re out of the house. I’m going to create a group chat for us. I’d love to use it to update one another, share articles, talks, or anything we find interesting. I’d also like to schedule times that work for you to chat on a regular basis. Can you send me your schedule?”

Not That: “So, what’s new?”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION