Dear Ilana and Jess: My children, Addison and Penn, are 23 and 21. They’re both away at college, and it’s getting harder to keep the conversation alive. Now that they don’t need me for much, how do I keep us close? - Vanessa

Dear Vanessa: Setting aside the fact that they will always need you (You’re Mom!) there are plenty of things you can do to stay connected. Your adult kids share the responsibility of keeping in touch, and it’s in everyone’s best interest that you do so. Here’s how you can get the conversation started.

Make time for FaceTime. You may be able to get your message across via text, but that’s not the point. Conversation with family is about more than information exchange. Nothing substitutes seeing someone’s smile or hearing their laugh. Create a family group chat that can be used to update one another, share pictures, videos, and voice recordings. The more senses you incorporate, the better.

Elevate the conversation. They’ll always be your babies, but they’re your adult babies. Now that you’re not reminding them to put gas in the car, do their homework, or clean their bedrooms, there’s a big shift in the conversation. It’s not just about what you can do for them, but what they can do for you, and how you can all relate to one another. Your conversations should reflect this progression. Talk to your kids about interesting articles you’ve read or a documentary you watched. Better yet, share interesting articles/talks/news pieces directly. (See: Group chat).

Get a routine. Taking the initiative is something the kids will need to do for the rest of their lives – whether they’re organizing the holidays at their new place or just want to catch you on the phone before they head into work. Your relationships will be as close as you make them, so devote time consistently to connecting. Find a routine that works for you and the kids and hold them to it. For example, they might call you every Tuesday during their walk to classes/your commute to work. You might have lunch together remotely via FaceTime every Thursday. Whatever format works for you, just make sure it works consistently.

Say This: “Addison/Penn, I love you and I want to make sure we are staying connected, now that you’re out of the house. I’m going to create a group chat for us. I’d love to use it to update one another, share articles, talks, or anything we find interesting. I’d also like to schedule times that work for you to chat on a regular basis. Can you send me your schedule?”

Not That: “So, what’s new?”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Dear Ilana and Jess: I have twin 16-year-olds and both of them are constantly exhausted. They have such loaded schedules: sports and theater on top of honors class. They’re good kids and usually they’re up late just doing homework. How do I help them get better rest? - Heather

Dear Heather: One of the (many) great things about sleep: it has a lot to do with habits. Let’s review some practical strategies your teens can put into play to get better rest.

If your kids are waiting until they need to be asleep to get into bed, then they’re definitely not getting enough sleep. Plus, the urgency to fall asleep right away can create anxiety, which can lead to insomnia, and the vicious cycle begins. So, for starters, make sure your teens are calling it a night before they need to be asleep.

Put the phone down. We’re sure this isn’t news to you or them, but the blue light on their phones tells their brains: “It’s daytime, stay awake.” If they haven’t already, the kids should set their phones to enter nighttime mode in the evenings.

Start slow. Have your teens adjust their sleep schedule in increments by getting into bed 15 minutes earlier than they usually do. They can move the time back 15 minutes every week, until they reach their target bedtime. Setting realistic goals and striving for gradual change helps in the short and long-term.

Let your teens know that just because it’s common to feel fatigued, doesn’t mean it’s fine. Unless they’re experiencing chronic and/or medically-based sleep issues (and if they are, we urge you and them to speak with their doctor) their bodies will sleep when they tell them to. They can set good routines that lead to good sleep hygiene: They don’t have to stay tired.

Say This: “I see how exhausted you are and I want to help. Tonight, I want you to get into bed 15 minutes earlier than your normally would. We’ll start slow to make this easy and realistic.”

Not That: “You need to get more sleep!”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Dear Ilana and Jess: My daughter Kara is 15 and recently, she has been wicked. No matter what I say or do, she snaps at me, and I feel like I’m walking on eggshells in my own home. How do I unmake this monster? - Stacey

Dear Stacey: The short answer: Walk straight into the belly of the beast. When you tiptoe around Kara, you’re allowing her disrespectfulness to carry on, unchecked. You may think you’re keeping the peace by appeasing her, when in fact you’re allowing her hostility to grow. This problem won’t get any better unless you address it head-on. Quite the opposite: it will get much worse. So, how do you do that?

First, set some boundaries. If you allow Kara to speak to you rudely without consequence, you’re condoning her behavior. Conversation is a privilege, not a right, and it’s earned on the basis of respect. If Kara is speaking inappropriately, give her direct language replacement and do not converse with her until she uses it. For example, let’s imagine that Kara says, “Mom, you have no idea what you’re talking about, so just shut up.” That cannot fly. Tell her (firmly): “Kara, you need to say this: ‘Mom, I’m not sure you understand. Let me explain it differently.’ Try that again.” If she refuses? No phone/iPad/other coveted electronics until she does what’s asked. That’ll speed up the process.

Second, know when she’s trying to get your goat. Snippy behavior is almost always a ploy for attention. If Kara is making comments that are hurtful for the sake of being hurtful,

for example, “you don’t care about me, anyway,” ignore her completely. Expect that she will up the ante and vie harder for your attention by making even ruder comments. When that happens, remain totally unaffected and disinterested. After the behavior gets worse, it will get better (and by that, we mean it will go away entirely).

Finally, remember that practice makes perfect. Kara has learned some bad habits, and it takes time to unlearn them. Be patient with her (and yourself). She’s learning a new language.

Say This: “Kara, you need to say this: ‘Mom, I’m not sure you understand. Let me explain it differently.’ Try that again.”

Not That: “Wow, you have been really nasty lately.”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION