Dear Ilana and Jess: My daughter Kara is 15 and recently, she has been wicked. No matter what I say or do, she snaps at me, and I feel like I’m walking on eggshells in my own home. How do I unmake this monster? - Stacey

Dear Stacey: The short answer: Walk straight into the belly of the beast. When you tiptoe around Kara, you’re allowing her disrespectfulness to carry on, unchecked. You may think you’re keeping the peace by appeasing her, when in fact you’re allowing her hostility to grow. This problem won’t get any better unless you address it head-on. Quite the opposite: it will get much worse. So, how do you do that?

First, set some boundaries. If you allow Kara to speak to you rudely without consequence, you’re condoning her behavior. Conversation is a privilege, not a right, and it’s earned on the basis of respect. If Kara is speaking inappropriately, give her direct language replacement and do not converse with her until she uses it. For example, let’s imagine that Kara says, “Mom, you have no idea what you’re talking about, so just shut up.” That cannot fly. Tell her (firmly): “Kara, you need to say this: ‘Mom, I’m not sure you understand. Let me explain it differently.’ Try that again.” If she refuses? No phone/iPad/other coveted electronics until she does what’s asked. That’ll speed up the process.

Second, know when she’s trying to get your goat. Snippy behavior is almost always a ploy for attention. If Kara is making comments that are hurtful for the sake of being hurtful,

for example, “you don’t care about me, anyway,” ignore her completely. Expect that she will up the ante and vie harder for your attention by making even ruder comments. When that happens, remain totally unaffected and disinterested. After the behavior gets worse, it will get better (and by that, we mean it will go away entirely).

Finally, remember that practice makes perfect. Kara has learned some bad habits, and it takes time to unlearn them. Be patient with her (and yourself). She’s learning a new language.

Say This: “Kara, you need to say this: ‘Mom, I’m not sure you understand. Let me explain it differently.’ Try that again.”

Not That: “Wow, you have been really nasty lately.”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Dear Ilana and Jess: My daughter, Mikaela, is about 11 years old. Unfortunately, she’s on the receiving end of some bullying. It’s the social kind that girls are especially guilty of: backhanded comments and passive aggression. Even worse, Mikaela doesn’t see the connection between what these girls are doing and how her self-esteem is plummeting. How do I give her a clue without making her feel worse? – Lizzie

Dear Lizzie: Relational aggression – using manipulation to harm others’ relationships or social status – is a particularly tricky form of bullying. Relational aggression is often covert: it shows up in subtle behaviors. These behaviors can be anything from withdrawing attention to outright exclusion, among a ton of other things. Many times, bullies will use flattery or sparse kindness to keep someone on the hook. Anytime Mikaela gets a morsel of attention, she’s probably scrambling for the crumbs. This gives her bullies all of the control and probably leaves Mikaela feeling very confused.

First, educate Mikaela and help Mikaela educate herself. We’re sure you’ve heard the term “gaslighting,” but Mikaela probably hasn’t. The terminology isn’t important, but the concept is. Mikaela needs to understand that most manipulations aren’t obvious, or even visible on the surface. But, if you look at what people are doing (or aren’t doing), their intentions become clearer.

Use examples from Mikaela’s own experiences to illustrate social nuances, like backhanded compliments, and why both content and tone matter in communication. For example, let’s say that one of the bullies told Mikaela, “It’s awesome that you made the swim team, but they take pretty much everyone.” You can ask Mikaela: Is this a real compliment? If she isn’t sure, explain that the compliment was followed by an insult, to make sure that the compliment didn’t count.

Help Mikaela start to identify how others make her feel. While this isn’t a foolproof tactic, our gut often lets us know that we’re being manipulated before our logical mind catches up. A good rule of thumb: If Mikaela feels worse after spending time with someone than she did before, something is probably off in that friendship.

Help Mikaela boost her own self-esteem. Start by showing Mikaela how to separate others’ opinions from her own self-perception. You can even make a game of it: Have Mikaela think of at least one popular opinion she disagrees with. For example, maybe there’s TV show that everyone seems to love that Mikaela doesn’t like. Remind Mikaela of her worth and make sure that she knows what kind of behavior she can (and should) expect from true friends. Finally, Mikaela should repeat a list of a few of her best attributes to herself twice a day, every day. For example, while looking in a mirror, Mikaela might say, “I am smart, caring funny, and beautiful.” This self-praise should become a daily mantra!

Say This: “Mikaela, I know you’re having a hard time and I’m really sorry about that. We’re going to talk about what’s going on and what to do about it. To start, let’s sort through the details, so we can get a better sense of the full picture. Do you know what a backhanded compliment is? If not, I’ll explain.”

Not That: “They’re not your real friends. Don’t listen to them!”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Dear Ilana and Jess: I’m 21 years old and in the middle of my second spring semester. When it comes to managing all of my adult responsibilities – from school to work to my social life – I feel like I’m constantly struggling. I know everyone my age has got a lot going on, but it’s seriously starting to feel impossible. I love my major, but my classes are so demanding. I rarely have time to see my friends anymore. How do I know if what I’m trying to do is unrealistic? And if it is too hard, what do I even do about it? - Robin

Dear Robin: Here’s an easy way to look at it: If a situation or responsibility places demand on you that exceeds your physical, emotional, or practical ability to manage it, then it’s, “too hard.” Unfortunately, this doesn’t make it avoidable or escapable. As you know, the going gets tough in adult life. That means it’s time to get going.

First, find your Achilles heel. The best way to compensate for your areas of weakness is to acquaint yourself with them. It can be hard to confront your biggest difficulties and frustrations, but it’s the only way to be truly prepared for anything. You may know what your hardest course is, but think bigger than that. Do you have a hard time getting organized? Are you a procrastinator? Do you feel uncomfortable introducing yourself when you need to? Figure out which skills need more work and you can win, even when you can’t play to your strengths. Plus, if you know your own weaknesses, you won’t be phased or surprised if someone else points them out.

Fight back. Just because something feels insurmountable, doesn’t mean that it has to be. Don’t settle on struggling; set a standard for your experience. Figure out what it is you need to be successful — whether that’s information, clarity, tutoring, or time — then take the necessary steps to get it. Even steep learning curves can be trekked.

Finally, don’t be afraid to say you don’t know. Pretending you’ve got it all together when you don’t is no better than quitting. If you tell everyone you’re fine, they’ll mistake your difficulties for disinterest. Have the courage to say you’re stuck and ask the questions you need to.

Say This (To your professors): “I found myself confused by the material presented in class today and wanted to reach out to you. I’m going to stop by your office hours this week, but in the meantime, could you point me to some helpful resources or practice problems? Thank you in advance.”

Not That: “It shouldn’t be this hard.”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION