Say This, Not That

Dear Ilana and Jess: My daughter, Ellie, is 16. She does well in school, she’s got a nice group of friends, and as far as I know, she’s happy. The problem is, I can’t get her to talk to me about anything. When I try to talk to her, she always seems preoccupied. When Ellie does answer my questions, I can only get one or two words out of her. How can I get her to really open up? - Nadine

Dear Nadine: As you can imagine, you’re not alone in this. Every parent of a teenager we’ve ever worked with has had this same question. Fortunately, we have answers.

First things first: If you’re treating conversation like a chore, Ellie is going to sense that. We can’t help but notice that you equated making conversation with, “asking (your) questions.” A lot of parents try to learn what’s going on in their teens lives via interrogation. Ellie can tell when you’re mining for information. While you want (and need) to know what’s going on in your daughter’s life, it’s important that she feels your interest in her is relational, not just practical. Start conversations by sharing something you did, read, saw, or thought of, and then ask for her opinion. This keeps the focus (and pressure) off of her, and will make conversation more conversational.

We have to ask: When are you trying to talk to Ellie? If your goal is to have a stimulating conversation, you have to choose the right moment. For example, if you’re trying to broach a big conversation during the morning rush on a weekday, you’re probably not going to get very far. Make conversation when there’s time and space to do it, like when you’re on the way to school together, or a few minutes after she gets home.

Give her space, but not too much. If you’re interrupting Ellie’s scrolling every time she picks up her phone, she’s going to get annoyed and shut down pretty quickly. With that said, Ellie owes you her time and attention, and needs to make room for conversation. Keep things unambiguous and set clear expectations. For example, if Ellie is on Instagram and you need to talk, you can say, “I need your attention for 5 minutes,” or, “When you’re done, please put the phone down so we can chat for a bit.” Make sure her phone really is down before you start, and if she picks it up again, don’t hesitate to reel her back in. Lastly, when you do have your daughter’s attention, don’t forget to enjoy her company!

Say This: “I read a really interesting article this week in the New York Times science section. A doctor discovered that a pregnant woman is carrying twins who aren’t identical or fraternal. One is a boy and one is a girl, but they’re sharing the same placenta, which never happens! The doctors are stumped. What do you think about that?”

Not That: “Did you have a good day at school?”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Dear Ilana and Jess: I don’t want to get into the particulars, but I messed up. How do I repair trust in my relationship after I’ve broken it? - Madeline

Dear Madeline: Relationships are fragile things. Dishonesty may start as a small fracture, but it webs quickly. When you’re caught in a lie (or a lie by omission), the trust you’ve built with another person sustains some serious damage. But, we all make mistakes. Here are a few ways to make amends.

Start by forgiving yourself. Acknowledging what you’ve done, accepting it humbly, and trying to forgive yourself allows you to seek forgiveness from others in an authentic way. If you come from a place of reflection and honesty, you’ll be in a much better position to speak about your mistakes openly and nondefensively. If you’ve come to terms with your own mistakes, you’ll also be better able to receive criticism without it posing detriment to your self-esteem.

This is your first opportunity to set a new precedent with the person whose trust you’ve broken: take full accountability for your actions. When speaking about the incident, show remorse and make sure you tell him/her how much you value their trust. Real honesty requires vulnerability, so allow yourself to be emotionally open and truly empathetic. Try to communicate the root cause of the issue, and explain your actions without justifying them. If you downplay or sugarcoat, you’ll end up seeming dishonest and insensitive. Allow your friend, partner, or loved one to tell you how they feel and listen fully. The more transparent both of you are, the better you can rebuild trust.

The heat-of-the-moment is not the time for a lengthy discussion about what went wrong and what comes next. However, when trust is broken, it’s impossible and counterproductive to take emotions totally out of the equation. It can help to set some rules of engagement before you sit down to talk it through, to keep strong emotions in check. For example, you might agree that no one will raise their voice and that both parties will respect the other’s need to pause and step away, if that’s what’s best in the moment. If that’s the case, make sure you agree to revisit the conversation at another time. Let it simmer too long, and it will be worse for everyone.

Say This: “I want to be honest now, even though I wasn’t before. I’m really sorry that I wasn’t truthful about ____. There’s no excuse, and that’s not how a friend/partner should act. I understand if you need some time, but I’d like to make it up to you.”

Not That: “Well, what would you like me to say?”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Dear Ilana and Jess: I’m a college student, and maybe it’s too soon, but I really want to save for a car and apartment. It feels like such a stretch, and I don’t even know where to begin. HELP! – Tyler

Dear Tyler: We have all know the American dream: a nice car and a pretty home, all to yourself. For millennials in particular, that dream has looked more like a fantasy, lately. Fortunately, there are some (realistic) steps you can take to get the ball rolling.

Let’s address the elephant in the room: Do you have a job that pays enough for you to save? If you’re working and not making enough money, you may need to stop looking at car and apartment ads, and check out Indeed or LinkedIn. Before you set to task, make a list of your most marketable skills – the things you know you’re good at – then use them as a springboard to jump into your job hunt. Learn how to monetize your talents, and find a job that will allow you pack some more pennies in your piggy bank.

Differentiate between what you want and what you need. You may want a car that turns heads when you drive by, but you don’t actually need one. What you do need is a car to get you from A to Z, and an apartment that provides a comfortable, clean, and safe living space. Keep in mind that home and car payments should take up no more than 25% of your income. (Hint: A very quick way to cut costs on rent is to live with roommates).

Save a little over time. You’ve seen the commercials that promise your dollar a day donation can save an abandoned puppy or kitten. If it works for saving animals, why couldn’t it also work for your own bank account? Plan ahead. If you know that in three years you’ll want to be out of the dorms and in your own apartment, put $5 into a savings account, every day. You’ll be pleasantly surprised by how much that adds up when you’re finally looking for a place.

Say This: (To your college Careers Officer) “This is a list of my current skills, which I have acquired through my education, professional, volunteer, and extracurricular experience, as well as through my personal areas of interests. Could you point me toward opportunities to utilize these skills, while also earning money?”

Not That: “It’s too much of a stretch.”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION