Dear Ilana and Jess: I don’t want to get into the particulars, but I messed up. How do I repair trust in my relationship after I’ve broken it? - Madeline

Dear Madeline: Relationships are fragile things. Dishonesty may start as a small fracture, but it webs quickly. When you’re caught in a lie (or a lie by omission), the trust you’ve built with another person sustains some serious damage. But, we all make mistakes. Here are a few ways to make amends.

Start by forgiving yourself. Acknowledging what you’ve done, accepting it humbly, and trying to forgive yourself allows you to seek forgiveness from others in an authentic way. If you come from a place of reflection and honesty, you’ll be in a much better position to speak about your mistakes openly and nondefensively. If you’ve come to terms with your own mistakes, you’ll also be better able to receive criticism without it posing detriment to your self-esteem.

This is your first opportunity to set a new precedent with the person whose trust you’ve broken: take full accountability for your actions. When speaking about the incident, show remorse and make sure you tell him/her how much you value their trust. Real honesty requires vulnerability, so allow yourself to be emotionally open and truly empathetic. Try to communicate the root cause of the issue, and explain your actions without justifying them. If you downplay or sugarcoat, you’ll end up seeming dishonest and insensitive. Allow your friend, partner, or loved one to tell you how they feel and listen fully. The more transparent both of you are, the better you can rebuild trust.

The heat-of-the-moment is not the time for a lengthy discussion about what went wrong and what comes next. However, when trust is broken, it’s impossible and counterproductive to take emotions totally out of the equation. It can help to set some rules of engagement before you sit down to talk it through, to keep strong emotions in check. For example, you might agree that no one will raise their voice and that both parties will respect the other’s need to pause and step away, if that’s what’s best in the moment. If that’s the case, make sure you agree to revisit the conversation at another time. Let it simmer too long, and it will be worse for everyone.

Say This: “I want to be honest now, even though I wasn’t before. I’m really sorry that I wasn’t truthful about ____. There’s no excuse, and that’s not how a friend/partner should act. I understand if you need some time, but I’d like to make it up to you.”

Not That: “Well, what would you like me to say?”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Dear Ilana and Jess: I’m a college student, and maybe it’s too soon, but I really want to save for a car and apartment. It feels like such a stretch, and I don’t even know where to begin. HELP! – Tyler

Dear Tyler: We have all know the American dream: a nice car and a pretty home, all to yourself. For millennials in particular, that dream has looked more like a fantasy, lately. Fortunately, there are some (realistic) steps you can take to get the ball rolling.

Let’s address the elephant in the room: Do you have a job that pays enough for you to save? If you’re working and not making enough money, you may need to stop looking at car and apartment ads, and check out Indeed or LinkedIn. Before you set to task, make a list of your most marketable skills – the things you know you’re good at – then use them as a springboard to jump into your job hunt. Learn how to monetize your talents, and find a job that will allow you pack some more pennies in your piggy bank.

Differentiate between what you want and what you need. You may want a car that turns heads when you drive by, but you don’t actually need one. What you do need is a car to get you from A to Z, and an apartment that provides a comfortable, clean, and safe living space. Keep in mind that home and car payments should take up no more than 25% of your income. (Hint: A very quick way to cut costs on rent is to live with roommates).

Save a little over time. You’ve seen the commercials that promise your dollar a day donation can save an abandoned puppy or kitten. If it works for saving animals, why couldn’t it also work for your own bank account? Plan ahead. If you know that in three years you’ll want to be out of the dorms and in your own apartment, put $5 into a savings account, every day. You’ll be pleasantly surprised by how much that adds up when you’re finally looking for a place.

Say This: (To your college Careers Officer) “This is a list of my current skills, which I have acquired through my education, professional, volunteer, and extracurricular experience, as well as through my personal areas of interests. Could you point me toward opportunities to utilize these skills, while also earning money?”

Not That: “It’s too much of a stretch.”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Dear Ilana and Jess: I’m a junior in college. It’s the middle of the semester, and I’m pretty happy with the clubs and groups I’ve joined, overall. But the sorority sisters pull rank more often than they need to, and it’s starting to get on my nerves. How can I dodge the petty politics? - Taylor

Dear Taylor: We’re glad you’re involved on campus! Participating in college groups will benefit you long after you’ve graduated. Recent studies have even linked participation in college organizations with positive occupational outcomes after college. But, even the best groups come with official, and unofficial, social hierarchies. Here’s a few things you can do to stay diplomatic, when politics get political.

Figure out exactly what you’re dealing with. In your sorority, what are the written and unwritten rules? Figure out not only who’s in charge on paper, but who’s in charge in practice. Determine who goes against the mold, too. Understanding your sorority’s social hierarchy is just as important as understanding its official rules. Once you know how the power is distributed, you can find (or make) your own place.

Find your niche. You’re not in high school anymore, and you may not have a clique, but you’ll still have a niche — a group or subgroup that’s suited to your personality, preferences, and communication style. If you haven’t done so already, identify 2 or 3 club members you click with and stick with them. When you’re going against the grain, it helps to have likeminded friends to go with you.

Work against the negative politics. You know that phrase “kill them with kindness?” If things are getting heated, don’t fan the fire — put out the flames. Rather than returning gossip or criticizing other group members, encourage others and give praise where you can to help change the group culture for the better. Chances are you’ll even change yourself in the process. People learn by example, not by lecture, and petty politics present the perfect opportunity to do things differently.

Know when things are truly toxic. If group interactions or activities pose detriment to your health, safety, or wellbeing, it’s time to part ways. It’s one thing to stick something out and another to self-sabotage. Don’t by a martyr, and know when it’s time to cut ties. Regardless of the school you attend, there will be plenty of groups on campus that offer you opportunities to build community and connection. Good luck!

If your sorority sisters pull rank and they’ve overstepped their bounds –

Say This: “Thank you for that suggestion. Let’s consider a few, different approaches. After we all make our suggestions, we can vote and come to a decision together.”

Not That: “Okay. I guess that’s fine.”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION