Dear Ilana and Jess: My daughter Emily just turned 14, and she is constantly comparing herself to her peers. I expected that her self-esteem would take a hit as we entered the teenage years, but I didn’t expect this degree of jealousy. Emily is always stacking up the reasons why someone else has it better — it can be anything from their clothes, to a part in the school play, to their boyfriend. Emily feels very threatened by other people’s success, across the board. What can I do to curb the green monster? — Diane

Dear Diane: Jealousy is a network of ideas that all share the same root: the perception of inadequacy. It’s easy to wallow in self-pity: It’s a passive process that involves accessing the most readily available emotions and behaviors. The thoughts that accompany jealousy are weeds that must be pulled. But, the more you try to convince your daughter that there’s nothing to be jealous of, the more she’ll defend her position. To change Emily’s thinking, you have to move it in a different direction: gratitude.

Every day for two weeks, have Emily make a list of ten things she’s grateful for. They can be basic: health, shelter, etc. She’s not going to want to do it and she may even tell you that there’s nothing she’s grateful for. Keep in mind that Emily is well practiced in identifying what she doesn’t have. It’s going to take more effort for her to identify what she does have. Make sure the exercise is mandatory.

Next, have Emily practice being sincerely happy for others, even if it begins insincerely. Tell Emily to identify one reason why someone else’s accomplishment, milestone, or success is good and worthy of celebration. Do some perspective-taking and have Emily reflect on a time when she was congratulated for an achievement. This serves two functions. One, it will indirectly remind Emily that good things happen to her and two, it will help her humanize those she envies, by creating a way to relate to them.

Say This: “We’re going to shift your focus, starting now. Make a list of ten things you’re grateful for — it can be anything from your health to your talents and abilities. We’re going to do this every day for two weeks.”

Not That: “Oh, stop. You have everything going for you. There’s nothing to be jealous of!”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Dear Ilana and Jess: How can I help my super stressed daughter? Lindsay is sixteen and, like most sixteen-year-olds, she’s incredibly busy. Between cross country, student body government, working part time, and keeping up with homework, Lindsay is overburdened and overwhelmed. Just about every day, Lindsay tells me that she is, “so stressed out.” I don’t know what to say, or where to begin. Please help. — Sharon

Dear Sharon: Here’s the good news: Lindsay knows that something’s not working. What she probably doesn’t know (and what you admitted you don’t know, either) is what to do about her stress. As a society, we tend to couple busyness and stress, as though the two are a packaged deal. It’s easy to see why those things go hand-in-hand, but the truth is that they don’t have to. Stress-free productivity is possible. Before you jump to whittle down Lindsay’s commitments (though this may, ultimately, be necessary, and that’s okay) pick her stress apart.

One of the many problems with stress is that it can create a vague sense of dread. An easy way to identify the sources of stress is to think about them in terms of excess and lack. In keeping with this, have Lindsay make a list of “more or less:” ask Lindsay, point blank, what she wishes she had more or less of in her life. For example, Lindsay might say, “I’d feel less stressed if I had more time,” or, “I’d feel less stress if I was caught up on homework.” Have Lindsay list these stressors in order of urgency: Those causing greatest distress get priority status.

Then have Lindsay create a second list, and place it next to the first. For each stressor, have Lindsay brainstorm at least one, realistic, action she can take to alleviate her stress. For example, if Lindsay wrote, “I’d like to have more time,” have her take out her calendar to find a 15-minute window she can devote to a project that needs more work, or a leisure activity she’s been putting off. Don’t let Lindsay opt out of dealing with larger issues. For example, if Lindsay says she’s stressed about doing well on the SATs, have her list one thing she can do to prepare for them, e.g., “I’m going to spend an hour at the bookstore this Saturday, looking over practice tests.” 

Most importantly, have Lindsay put these steps into practice. The next time she says, “I’m so stressed out,” redirect her to the lists and have her do just one thing to alleviate it. 

Say This: “I’m sorry you’re worried. I’d like to help you pinpoint the sources of your stress, so we can come up with realistic ways to reduce it. Let’s start by making a list of what you need more and less of in your life right now. For example, ‘I would feel less stressed if I had more time.’” 

Not That: “Don’t worry!”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Dear Ilana and Jess: It breaks my heart, but my wife and I simply can’t afford the clothes our kids want. We have two sons who are always after the newest, top-of-the-line, sneakers, and two daughters who are glued to the Kardashians’ Instagram accounts. Our kids are good kids, and their expectations are realistic. We are grateful to have respectful children, who understand what’s important. But, we also know that there’s pressure at school to look and dress a certain way. We don’t want our kids to succumb, but we do want them to express themselves. How can we help them find clothes that make them feel good, without going bankrupt? — David

Dear David: First, we want to applaud you and your wife; you seem to be treading the line between indulgence and temperance very carefully. As you (rightly) pointed out, gratitude is the priority. When your kids are contending with the pressure to conform, it can be difficult to sort what’s helpful from what’s hurtful. You want to treat your kids, but you don’t want to encourage competition or materialism. You want them to know that self-expression is a good thing, but you don’t want them to believe there is a “right” way to look and dress. To help you send the right message, reward your deserving kids, and keep your bank account happy, we have several recommendations.

The first is good, old-fashioned allowance. Allowance is a family staple because it works on many levels. For one, allowance instills the value of hard work. Speak with your wife to determine a reasonable dollar amount each of the kids can earn, per week. In addition, develop clear-cut rules about: how much the children can save and whether they are allowed to pool their money. Once you’ve established the boundaries, communicate them to your children. When your kids work for their own money, they become active in reaching their goals. They’ll also have to decide how they’d like to spend the money they earn. In short, you’re teaching them to make judicious, financial decisions, in an age-appropriate way. You’re also giving your kids the opportunity to treat themselves, without entitling them.

Help your kids use clothing to develop their personal style. Lots of parents fear that focusing too much on clothing can encourage self-consciousness and superficiality. Teach your kids that their clothing doesn’t define who they are. Instead, it’s something they can use to express themselves. Sit down with your sons and daughters and ask them to lay out their favorite outfit. Once they’ve picked it, ask them: What do you like the most about this outfit? What words describe how you feel when you’re wearing this outfit? What do you think this outfit says about your unique personality? Use your kids’ responses to help them find affordable clothes that achieve the same, creative goals.

Have the kids use social media to show you celebrity outfits they like, then help them find affordable alternatives. For example, if one of your daughters loves an outfit that Taylor Swift wore, Google search, “get Taylor Swift’s floral outfit for less.” Let’s say you find out that Taylor’s actual outfit is from Free People. Shop in stores that sell less expensive clothing, in a similar vein. If you need help locating them, search, “cheaper stores like Free People.” You can also try department stores that sell discounted, designer items, like Nordstrom Rack, Marshalls, and Century 21.

Most importantly, remind your kids that above all else, it is the way they choose to behave -- not what they choose to wear -- that shapes their lives.

Say This: “I want to help you create your own, unique style. This will be a good thing, but we have to do it in an affordable way. Let’s pick your favorite outfit that you already own, and you can tell me what you like the most about it. We can find similar pieces that make you feel equally as confident. Maybe we’ll go back to the store where you got it, and if their selection matches your style, we’ll stick with it! You can also show me one of your favorite outfits that _____ wears. Then, we are going to Google search, ‘get _____’s look for less.’ That’s how we will go about finding an affordable alternative.”

Not That: “It doesn’t matter what you wear! Don’t worry about it.”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION