A conversation about domestic violence unfolded at a public board meeting in St. Louis in a way that has never happened before in the city’s history.
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At a meeting earlier this month, Megan Green, the first woman president of the city's Board of Aldermen, shared her personal experience as a survivor of abuse.
It wasn’t something she had planned to say. But while she listened to advocates talk about raising awareness of resources available to abuse victims, and the isolation victims can feel, she felt her breath get short. She was fighting back tears.
“A lot of things came back in that moment,” Green said. She felt compelled to share why she was struggling to keep her composure.
In her early to mid-20s, Green was in a relationship that was mentally, sexually and physically abusive at times. Her family and friends saw her change from an outgoing and driven young woman to withdrawn and reclusive. She became depressed and suicidal, eventually quitting her job.
Once, she tried to tell her partner she was leaving. He grabbed her by the neck and pushed her against the kitchen wall.
She said she felt like a failure, deeply ashamed and embarrassed by what was happening to her.
“Part of me was in disbelief that this was happening,” she said. Green would leave for a day or two, but her partner would find his way back into her life.
“I became a shell of myself,” she said. She finally worked up the courage to talk to a counselor, who encouraged her to confide in a friend. Green sat in her car in the parking lot after that session and called her best friend. She broke down and told her everything.
“I know,” were the first words her friend said. A burden lifted from Green.
She eventually got a restraining order against her partner. It took several more months, but she was able to leave for good.
Alderwoman Pam Boyd also shared a personal story. She had gotten married at 15, in part to escape a difficult situation at home after her mom died. She had been with her husband, also a teenager, for a year before the abuse started. She stayed until she was almost 20. She remembers her 3-year-old son picking up his Tonka truck during a fight and throwing it at her husband.
“Don’t hit my momma anymore,” the toddler said. At that moment, she decided she had to leave. She did not want her son to see this behavior as normal.
She put her son’s things in a brown paper bag and walked out of their home. She was pregnant with their second child, without any idea of where she would go. A cousin saw her walking on the road and took her to his house. Her family had never known about the abuse she had been dealing with at home.
“I was more embarrassed than anything,” she said. “It made me feel like I was weak.”
She said she had stayed in the relationship because of the low self-esteem she felt at the time: “You don’t think much of yourself, and think that this is the best you can get.”
More than 10 million people -- 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men -- have experienced some form of physical violence by an intimate partner.
Green and Boyd both talked about the importance of educating young people about healthy relationships and raising awareness about the resources that are available.
Heidi Suguitan, director of clinical services and education for Safe Connections, a nonprofit working to reduce the impact and incidence of relationship violence and sexual assault, said there are many benefits when people in public positions speak up about their experiences.
First of all, it lets others know that they are not alone. It also helps eliminate the stigma and shame people feel when they are trapped in an abusive relationship.
“Shame is a natural byproduct of abuse,” she explained. When control is taken from a person, there is a feeling of, ‘How did I let that happen?’”
In addition to educating young people, Safe Connections helps victims figure out safe ways to leave bad situations. Women may face barriers in finding and accessing shelter space or counseling services. With rent costs escalating, there is a desperate need for more affordable housing and access to jobs that pay a living wage. These are critical to addressing the problems of domestic and intimate partner violence.
Suguitan said the survivors she works with have often been convinced that they are somehow responsible for their partner’s abuse. She helps them recognize what they are actually in control of.
“They are not responsible for someone else’s actions, choices or emotions,” she said.
Once Green and Boyd had that realization in their own lives, they never looked back.