DEAR NATALIE: My wife says she’s “not attracted to me lately” and blames it on work stress. She insists it’s temporary and tied to office burnout, but I’ve noticed she’s also started dressing up more for the office and guarding her phone. I want to believe her, but I’m terrified this is the beginning of the end. She’s also going out of town on a work trip, and when I asked if I could come, she said it would be “boring” and that she wants some time alone. How do you tell the difference between stress and drifting? We’ve been married four years, and I was hoping we would start a family soon, but now I’m not so sure. – WORRIED PARTNER

DEAR WORRIED PARTNER: She is being secretive, and while it could be nothing, I would want to know what is going on. Perhaps someone at work has caught her eye. Maybe she’s just bored and trying to feel better by embracing fashion. The problem is that it’s easy to speculate and make yourself anxious. It’s time for a heart-to-heart. Whatever the situation is, the monster in the dark is always scarier than the one in the light. Let her know you’re worried about your relationship and want to work on your connection. See what she says. If she’s tired and says so, let it go for now. But if she acts defensive, I would start to question her more directly. Your marriage clearly matters to you. Does it matter to her? After she comes back from her work trip, you might have more clarity. How does she react to you when she gets home? If you still feel the distance, it may be time to make an appointment with a couples counselor. And if she doesn’t want to go, you should go yourself to gain insights and tools to use in your relationship. Marriage takes work, but both people need to be committed to the process for it to thrive. If she won’t join you on the journey, then what are you doing together? 

DEAR NATALIE: My boyfriend says marriage is “just paperwork,” but I want the commitment. We’ve been together for six years. I want to be his wife. But he says it’s just a “government contract with a cake.” Everything else in our relationship works — shared home, shared dog, shared life. But I’m starting to worry he’s keeping an escape hatch open. How do you know when the desire for marriage is a dealbreaker? Am I just being difficult? – MARRIAGE ON MY MIND

DEAR MARRIAGE ON MY MIND: A lot of people feel marriage is nothing more than a legal document, but there is value to that document. While it is not necessarily a sexy conversation, our society is structured to financially favor married couples. Tax benefits are one reason some people choose to marry. Putting together a will is also simpler when you are legally married and not just cohabitating. The same goes for medical concerns: What happens if you’re in the hospital? There are many advantages to having a spouse when it comes to decision-making, hospital access and even health insurance. The longer you’re together, the more important these factors may become. So even though it’s not romantic to frame the conversation this way, it’s practical; and practicality might resonate with him. If not, you’re allowed to set boundaries for yourself. If marriage is a dealbreaker for you, that matters. Good luck!

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DEAR NATALIE: I noticed something weird on my boyfriend’s Venmo. He’s been sending small payments to a woman I’ve never heard of. The notes are all emojis: a coffee cup, a winky face, once even a rose. When I asked who she was, he said she’s “just a friend from the gym” and that they grab drinks sometimes after workouts. But why am I finding out about this through Venmo? And why does he get so defensive when I bring it up?  I can’t shake the feeling that I’m missing something. Is this harmless, or is there something shady going on? – CRYING EMOJI

DEAR CRYING EMOJI: Be more direct about how this felt when you first discovered that he was sending another woman money. Actually, as I type this, I realize how unnecessary it is to give you any other advice than to do this: Leave. Him. This will only get worse the more entangled you become with him. There is absolutely no reason that he should be sending another woman money. Period. I don’t care if he tells you that he was just paying her back for buying drinks or whatever lie he will make up to cover his tracks. The proof is in his bank account. May this “love” never find you again. 

DEAR NATALIE: I lied about one thing on our first date and now it’s a giant secret that feels a little out of control. I told him I had a business degree but I never actually finished. It started as a tiny white lie because I panicked and tried to impress him when we first met. At the time, he was graduating law school, and I felt inadequate. Now we’re two years into a serious relationship and talking about moving in together. How do I tell him the truth without blowing up the whole relationship? I haven’t lied about anything else that is “major.” I am also employed. I just never finished my degree because of financial reasons. I was embarrassed to admit that and now not sure what to do. I could see myself marrying him. But I am afraid once he knows, he’ll think I’m a liar and break it off. Should I keep it to myself or come clean? – PANTS ON FIRE 

DEAR PANTS ON FIRE: You have to just tell him the truth and here’s why. If it is eating you up inside, it will come out. This is not a terrible secret. If you explain to him why you didn’t tell him the truth like you just shared with me, then he will understand. Being open and vulnerable is an important part of deepening trust and understanding in any relationship. This is a test for both of you. Can you share what is on your heart? And can he accept what you share and also why you didn’t tell him? I know time has passed and that this is awkward, but I promise you this. If you can make it through this hiccup, it will only bond you more tightly for the bumpy road ahead.

Send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga:

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com.

Watch her NEW show with WQED: “Destination with Natalie Bencivenga” now streaming on YouTube.

Watch her video series with Pennsylvania Capital Star, Week in Focus: www.penncapital-star.com

Follow Natalie on Instagram and TikTok @NatalieBencivenga

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DEAR NATALIE: My partner went on a last-minute “overnight work trip” with a co-worker I’ve always had weird vibes about. They told me it was a mandatory conference, but when I asked for details, everything sounded vague. There was no itinerary, no hotel name, nothing. When they came back, they acted distant for a few days and kept their phone on silent, screen facedown. They never carry their phone with them from room to room in our house, but I noticed that they did that whenever I was around. A week later, one of their colleagues casually mentioned that the trip was optional and that most of the team didn’t go. Now I’m sick to my stomach wondering what really happened. Am I jumping to conclusions, or is something off here? – CAN’T SHAKE IT

DEAR CAN’T SHAKE IT: Clearly something is going on, or every alarm inside you wouldn’t be ringing. Not only would I confront him about what his colleague said, I would demand to see his phone. Catch him off guard. If he won’t let you, tries to delete things off of his phone or won’t let you on his apps, then you have your answer. He’s acting guilty of something and you just need to know what it is. Did he have an affair? Did he try to, but it didn’t work out? Was he just being coy because he needed a break and didn’t want you to feel bad? Who knows. He needs to come clean, or how can you move forward? It’s best that he does so you can work to repair the damage. If he won’t do that, how can he expect you to simply move on?

DEAR NATALIE: My boyfriend’s female best friend absolutely hates me. From the first day she met me, she’s been cold, passive-aggressive and weirdly territorial. She makes comments like, “You don’t really get him yet,” or, “He tells me everything. I’d know if something was wrong.” Recently, I found out she texts him late at night about her dating life and vents to him whenever she and her boyfriend fight. She also told him I’m “not his type” and that he “deserves someone more mature.” When I brought this up, my boyfriend brushed it off as her being “protective” because they’ve been friends since grade school. But I feel like I’m in a relationship with both of them. Am I being dramatic, or is this a serious boundary issue? – LEAVE ME ALONE

DEAR LEAVE ME ALONE: This behavior is absolutely not OK. She sounds jealous and even secretly in love with your boyfriend. I doubt he’d be happy if the situation were reversed and you had someone constantly chirping in your ear about why you should break up with him. Maybe he’s afraid to confront her. Maybe he’s also secretly in love with her, or maybe he just likes the attention she gives him. In any case, firm boundaries need to be set. She doesn’t have to like you or want to be your best friend, but she does need to be cordial. It’s also inappropriate that she does all of this while having a boyfriend. I wonder what he thinks of their dynamic? If your boyfriend can’t see how her behavior is affecting your relationship, you may need to say something like: “I appreciate that she’s a childhood friend, but I’m your girlfriend. If you want this relationship to progress, we have to figure this out. I won’t be treated like this or disrespected by her or by you.” If he still can’t understand why you’re upset, you’ll have to decide whether this relationship is worth it, especially if you keep coming in second to a “friend.”

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com.

Watch her NEW show with WQED: “Destination with Natalie” Bencivenga now streaming on YouTube.

Watch her video series with Pennsylvania Capital Star, Week in Focus: www.penncapital-star.com

Follow Natalie on Instagram and TikTok @NatalieBencivenga

Subscribe to her newsletter on Substack: Facts Over Fear