parenting

Appreciation for the Moms Who Struggle

Parents Talk Back by by Aisha Sultan
by Aisha Sultan
Parents Talk Back | May 10th, 2021

On social media, mothers can occupy two completely different worlds.

One is a glossy, curated land filled with sweet photos and silly stories, childhood accomplishments and adolescent milestones. This is the highlight reel of motherhood.

We all know real life is messier than it appears on Instagram or Facebook. But moms raising neurotypical children, or ones without a mental health diagnosis, may not even know about the other world.

It's a place with countless parenting groups where the conversation is unfiltered and often desperate. The stories here are confessions of impending failures, repeated meltdowns and children whose behaviors are driving parents to the brink.

During the past year, I became increasingly concerned about the deteriorating mental health of children and young adults. I joined a few Facebook groups for parents of children who were struggling -- in school, in social relationships, at home. Many of these private groups are specifically created for parents of children with ADHD, anxiety, depression or a combination of issues that can be hard to diagnose and even harder to treat.

It was in these virtual communities that mothers -- largely strangers to one another -- revealed a side of motherhood largely unseen and rarely discussed among friends.

"I feel helpless and hopeless."

"Please help. I'm desperate."

"I'm just exhausted."

"I'm failing my child."

When your kid's difficult behavior is linked to a diagnosis that can't be detected by a scan or a blood test, it can feel like the world is judging you as a terrible parent. Why is your child missing so many assignments and failing classes? Why is your child acting out? Why is your child so withdrawn? Angry? Negative? Unmotivated?

It's not for the parents' lack of caring, effort or discipline.

Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder is one of the most common neurodevelopmental disorders among children in the U.S., with an estimated 6 million American children affected. The pandemic has been brutal on these children and their families, along with those who already deal with other mental health conditions, such as anxiety or depression. The lack of structure and in-person resources led many parents to seek support online from those in the same trenches. It's easier for parents to be vulnerable and honest when they're not afraid of being judged.

Every day, I have read posts from mothers bewildered about how to help their child accomplish tasks that seem to come so easily to other children. The other parents responding to these posts often suggest helpful books; they share articles and videos; they swap tips on medicines and on dealing with schools and doctors.

But perhaps just as valuable is the empathy offered. For those dealing with high levels of conflict with their children -- frequent outbursts, fighting, disobedience and neglected homework or chores -- that grace can be a lifesaver.

I've thought a lot about the appreciation we show mothers on the holiday dedicated to them. The pictures and testimonials that fill our social feeds are from the highlight reel.

But let's take a moment to also appreciate the moms whose children may not be able to appreciate them yet.

The mothers who cry at night or in their cars because they are so overwhelmed. The mothers who despair because they can't get their children to succeed the way schools expect them to. The mothers who are heartbroken by their child's loneliness or emotional turmoil. The mothers who love their child, but don't like their behavior or attitude. The mothers who worry constantly about whether their kids will "make it" and grow into independent, happy adults.

I want to say to those mothers: You are not failing. You are trying to navigate a situation that is hard even in normal circumstances, let alone in a global pandemic.

You are trying your best.

And it is enough.

parenting

Should COVID Vaccines Be Required for Students?

Parents Talk Back by by Aisha Sultan
by Aisha Sultan
Parents Talk Back | May 3rd, 2021

Every state has a list of required vaccinations for schoolchildren. These mandatory vaccinations ensure that schools are a healthy and safe place to learn.

The coronavirus pandemic, which has killed more than half a million Americans and 3 million worldwide, is the most serious contagious health threat facing the world. The FDA has approved Pfizer’s COVID-19 vaccine for teens 16 and older. It’s also on the cusp of being available to children 12 and older, with emergency approval expected next month.

Should this vaccine be added to the list of required shots when students return in the fall?

At first blush it makes sense, considering that the pandemic has led to millions of students being out of classrooms for more than a year. Developing a vaccine that is effective at preventing serious illness was the crucial first step to ending the pandemic. Just as important, however, is getting it in the arms of as many people as possible. This is what prevents the virus from continuing to mutate and infect people. Already, the newest mutated strains are 50% more contagious than the original COVID-19 strain, and they are more likely to cause serious illness.

But this fall will be too soon for public schools to mandate the COVID shot.

The vaccine has been approved with emergency use authorization, which speeds up vaccine manufacturing and administrative processes during a public health emergency. It does not mean shortcuts are taken in the development, research, trials or studies of possible side effects. But given this EUA status, the legality of states making it mandatory is unclear.

Dr. Kelly Moore, deputy director of the Immunization Action Coalition, which works to increase immunization rates to prevent diseases, said addressing parents’ questions and concerns about the vaccine should be the top priority right now.

“You cannot take a shortcut to getting high vaccine coverage by making a requirement without going through the education process,” she said. “Families need to be able to ask questions and learn about it. A vaccine requirement tends to be much more acceptable when the vaccine is already in widespread use.”

There will always be holdouts and loud critics of vaccines, and social media can be used to spread misinformation more easily than ever. However, the vast majority of people are glad to prevent illnesses like polio, measles, mumps and rubella through inoculations. Around 90% of school children receive these well-known, established vaccines.

Newer ones require a thorough education period. There are examples of past missteps in this process -- the HPV vaccine, for one. As soon it was approved and recommended for teens, some jurisdictions tried to require it.

“There was this huge backlash against it,” Moore said. Parents were fearful of possible side effects and uncomfortable with the idea of inoculating children against a virus transmitted by intimate contact.

The HPV vaccine is “one of the most effective we have,” Moore said. “It will prevent thousands of deaths from cancer, and yet it still has an undeserved bad reputation because of that history.”

In the near future, the COVID vaccine will gain full FDA approval. Perhaps as early as next year, states will consider making it mandatory in certain settings. But until then, debunking the myths around the vaccine, educating people about the benefits of getting it and the risks of skipping it should be a top public health priority.

It’s only when communities are able to reach herd immunity thresholds that we can protect those whose health conditions prevent them from getting immunized.

Currently, private institutions can mandate the vaccine. More than 90 colleges and universities have announced that students must be vaccinated before returning to campus in the fall.

Hopefully, this will be another positive step in helping people realize these vaccines give us an opportunity to regain what this pandemic has stolen from us.

The more who get on board willingly, the better for everyone.

parenting

Would You Have Darnella Frazier's Courage?

Parents Talk Back by by Aisha Sultan
by Aisha Sultan
Parents Talk Back | April 26th, 2021

A teenage girl and her cellphone helped bring a murderer to justice and forced a reckoning for the entire justice system in America.

Last May, Darnella Frazier was walking with her 9-year-old cousin to a corner store for snacks when she happened upon a gruesome scene -- a police officer with his knee pressed against a man's neck who was struggling to breathe. Darnella, just 17 at the time, became more than just a bystander the moment she started recording on her phone.

Her witness led to one of the rarest outcomes in the history of this country: the conviction of a white cop for murdering a Black man.

"The world needed to see what I was seeing," she later said to the Minneapolis Star Tribune.

Her eyes opened the eyes of the world.

She showed us the clearest and most damning evidence refuting the statement the police department released soon after George Floyd was killed. Their press release made no mention of then-police officer Derek Chauvin even touching Floyd. The headline on the police version of events said, "Man dies after medical incident during police interaction."

It was her video, uploaded to Facebook and watched by millions around the world, that showed Chauvin pushing his knee onto Floyd's neck for more than nine minutes. It was her video that provoked a reaction so intense and raw that it ignited the largest protests against police brutality and racism that our country has seen.

It was an excruciating video, and many could not bring themselves to watch footage of yet another Black man dying. But Darnella made us confront the brutality we know exists by revealing its haunting details: Chauvin's casual stance, his hand in his pocket; the ignored pleas for mercy; Floyd, a grown man, calling for his mother. Even if we diverted our eyes from Chauvin, we saw the cops standing by, watching a fellow officer continue to suffocate a motionless man on the ground. Without her video, the police's narrative about Floyd dying at the hospital from a "medical incident" would remain the official version of events. A murderous cop would still be on the force.

Darnella persevered in that moment despite risks to her own safety.

It's easy to praise a hero, especially in retrospect. It's harder to face the questions her actions compel us to ask ourselves: Would I have had the courage of Darnella Frazier? Am I raising a child who would be as composed as she was while witnessing an agent of the state torture and murder someone?

Many parents would reasonably fear for their child's own safety and well-being if they encountered a similar situation. But Darnella and her cousin are reminders of the remarkable resilience that children are capable of. They both testified during a trial watched by millions.

Initially, Darnella faced online backlash from those who attacked her for posting the video. Commenters accused her of seeking attention and criticized her for not doing more to intervene in the moment. The notion that a Black teenage girl should have directly confronted four armed cops while one committed a felony is beyond ludicrous.

But she was still a child in the aftermath, trying to process what had happened.

She told the jury during Chauvin's trial that she cried repeatedly at night, apologizing to Floyd for not doing more to save his life. In him, she saw her own Black father, brothers and friends. She has needed therapy to deal with her own trauma.

She may now realize what her courage made possible.

In the moment when she witnessed the unjust and merciless power of the state, Darnella reclaimed her own power. Hitting record became an act of resistance. Sharing what she saw spoke truth to power. Those who raised their voices against it became a chorus for change.

Her video changed our country.

Her act of recording it should change our hearts.

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