parenting

How Outrage Changes Us

Parents Talk Back by by Aisha Sultan
by Aisha Sultan
Parents Talk Back | December 9th, 2019

A Twitter user fired off a string of vulgar and bigoted tweets at 2:23 a.m.

I was tagged in one -- it was the kind of racist, expletive-ridden rant that’s a dime a dozen on social media. It was another post that caught my eye.

“We’ll get rid of her.” That’s how this poster responded to a congratulatory tweet about my sister’s election in Texas.

My sister is a sitting U.S. judge.

I reported the tweets and threat to Twitter and sent screenshots to my sister, who passed them along to law enforcement.

This came on the heels of reports that a Republican candidate in St. Petersburg, Florida, recently sent a fundraising email saying U.S. Rep. Ilhan Omar, a Democrat from Minnesota, should be hanged. Omar’s Republican challenger in Minnesota was permanently suspended from Twitter for also suggesting the congresswoman should be tried for treason and hanged. Last month, Omar asked for leniency in the sentencing of a New York man who pleaded guilty in U.S. District Court for threatening to kill her.

Omar, like my family, is Muslim.

Outrage is too familiar a feeling on social media -- that flash of anger and disgust at the latest moral transgression, blatant lie or hypocrisy. Some exist in a constant state of outrage, while others profit from its peak production. The line between expressing moral outrage and threatening violence against political opponents, however, is getting blurrier in the digital age.

Yale psychology professor Molly Crockett has researched how expressions of moral outrage have changed over time. Expressing outrage is one way societies enforce social norms: by punishing and shaming those who violate those norms, she explained in a recent lecture. But the context of how this plays out online has rapidly evolved from earlier times.

Many adults and children may not realize that social networks, like Facebook and Twitter, are not neutral platforms. Their algorithms favor posts designed to provoke outrage -- regardless of whether the shared information is true. The truth is cast aside to maximize the number of users and the amount of time they spend on the site. If it’s likely to provoke you, you’re more likely to see it.

We are more frequently exposed to posts that support our own biases and worldviews and that are designed to trigger moral outrage. We’ve also learned that innumerable posts are deliberately created by bad actors who have a vested interest in spreading misinformation.

Crockett notes that the barriers to expressing outrage have greatly diminished online. It takes a few clicks on a keyboard behind the cloak of anonymity to attack another person. Psychologically, the user is rewarded by validation through likes or interaction, which can reinforce a habitual loop. Brain imaging and psychological studies show there’s something immediately satisfying about expressing outrage, Crockett said. This may help explain why some trolls linger on sites and feel compelled to post repeated negative comments expressing the same sentiments over and over.

In some cases, online moral outrage can be a force for positive social change. A recent example is Amazon’s decision to remove offensive Auschwitz-themed ornaments from its site after public backlash. But there’s also a significant corrosive and toxic element to it, and a numbing effect.

When the internet is always humming in the background, injecting little jots of outrage throughout the day, every day, it changes our society -- and it changes us.

When everything provokes outrage, it doesn’t work to prevent bad behavior anymore. Offenders are no longer shamed. And, nowadays, when you share outrage, you’re largely preaching to the choir, since so many users filter their information sources based on what they already believe.

It’s a dilemma for those of us who rely on digital platforms to stay informed and connected. We don’t want to become numb to corruption, bigotry and injustice. The expression of moral outrage feels satisfying because it is also an indicator of what you care about, what your values and priorities are and a way to signal that to others. Yet, the consequences for being steeped in moral outrage on a regular basis are unclear. Could these feedback loops and biochemical rewards to outrage expression rewire the brain?

Threats of violence against political opponents is a sign that something’s seriously gone wrong.

Health & SafetyEtiquette & Ethics
parenting

An Email Apocalypse

Parents Talk Back by by Aisha Sultan
by Aisha Sultan
Parents Talk Back | December 2nd, 2019

I couldn’t remember the name of a woman I needed to contact, so I typed a few keywords in the search bar of my Gmail account. This is my failsafe way of turning up old contacts.

Nothing at all came back. That was weird; I clearly remembered our correspondence from a few years ago.

Then, I noticed something even stranger. My inbox said it had around 12,000 messages. Unless it’s spam or ads, I haven’t deleted an email from this account in 13 years. My inbox should have more than 75,000 read messages.

What was going on?

I filtered the emails by date. There was nothing before 2017.

A deep sense of panic washed over me. Much of my work, contacts, personal and professional history lives in email. How did 60,000 emails just disappear?

It got worse.

I noticed my drafts folder was missing about 400 messages. Whenever I need to jot down interviews, observations or ideas I plan to use later, I start a draft email with a specific subject line. I started doing it more than a decade ago.

We can all agree that this is a terrible system. But I did not expect it to vanish into thin air one day.

I frantically emailed whatever contacts for Google I could find. While I waited for a response, I told my co-workers, fellow journalists who also traffic in hundreds of emails a day, that most of my digital record-keeping had mysteriously disappeared. Their faces registered the shock I felt, but then they reassured me that, surely, everything would be recovered. We live in the Age of The Cloud. Nothing is ever deleted from the internets.

I wanted to believe them, but in my sinking heart, I knew this was the curse that has haunted me.

I’ve been a saver (some might use a stronger word that rhymes with “boarder”) of written material my entire life -- letters, notes, cards, books, journals. Growing up, I kept a box in the garage filled with letters from my grandfather, notes folded into complicated shapes from my best friends in middle school and even Valentines from grade school. The summer before my senior year of high school, lightning struck our house and burned down the garage. Those letters turned to ash.

I restarted my collection of written memorabilia and again accumulated boxes in my parents’ garage -- yearbooks, letters, college term papers, grad school research. After the boxes collected dust for years, my father asked if I could please take my papers home. I mailed two large boxes from Texas to Missouri. A month later, I received a letter informing me that the boxes had been destroyed in a processing facility in Atlanta.

The curse.

This Gmail account had become the digital version of those boxes.

It was just a matter of time, I figured.

Maybe I should burn some sage to remove this hex, I suggested to a colleague.

Maybe you should go to the Apple store and see if their geniuses can help you, he said.

That sounded like a better plan. Oddly enough, my missing drafts were showing up on my iPhone’s Gmail app, though I wasn’t able to open them.

I headed to the mall, carrying my history like an albatross. Even the geniuses were stumped by my email apocalypse. Had someone hacked my account? Was there a problem with Gmail’s server? They had no explanation, and suggested I try to contact Google again.

I headed home dejected.

Nonetheless, I called Google support and a gentleman said he would send me a recovery link that would attempt to restore everything that had been deleted in the past 30 days.

A glimmer of hope.

Of course, the recovery link refused to launch. I should have accepted this fate hours ago.

I tried one last time. This time, it went through.

The rep said it might take up to 24 hours to recover the account, and that it wasn’t guaranteed to work. I turned off my computer and went to bed.

I had a nightmare of being kidnapped. As soon as I woke up, I logged in to my account.

By God, the emails now went back to 2015. They were coming back from the ether.

Bit by bit, the lost years started reappearing. By the next day, I had more than 76,000 emails back in my account, and all 700 drafts were also restored.

I still don’t know what happened or why, but I’m not one to question miracles.

Perhaps the curse is finally broken.

Work & School
parenting

Finding Your Voice

Parents Talk Back by by Aisha Sultan
by Aisha Sultan
Parents Talk Back | November 25th, 2019

Matice Morris adjusts the camera sitting on a tripod under a glowing ring light. She moves the throw pillow behind her, pulls up her notes on her phone and takes a sip of water. She peers closer at her image on the small flip screen and wipes a smudge of lipstick from her teeth.

She pushes record -- beep.

It’s time to slay the dragons.

“Hi, you guys,” she says. Then, she’s stuck. Her chin trembles, eyes squint, her lips are pursed and the words refuse to budge.

“I’m going to start over,” she says. “I know I haven’t recorded in a while,” she starts. She hits a roadblock on the next word.

Morris, now 30, started speech therapy because of her stuttering in first grade. For 10 years, she worked with professionals to help her words flow more fluently. After middle school, she moved from Rockford, Illinois to a new high school in St. Louis. She spent the entire first semester eating lunch in a restroom stall. She didn’t want to start with the halting introduction again. Blank stares. Uncomfortable pauses.

Sometimes, she stutters on her own name.

By her junior year, she had made friends and had enough with speech therapy. She tended to stay quiet in groups and communicated mainly through texting and social media messages. Her words flow so much faster when she can type them, but still not as fast as her mind is thinking them.

Now, in front of the camera, she’s starting to sweat. She picks up a poster and fans herself.

“I’ve noticed a trend in comments of all you saying my stuttering has improved,” she says to nearly 30,000 subscribers on her YouTube channel.

But to someone with a lifelong stutter, that’s actually not a compliment, she explains.

“It kind of makes them feel like a failure when they have not improved,” Morris says. She’s posted more than 50 videos since she launched the channel 2 1/2 years ago.

She wanted to encourage other people with speech impediments and to share what it’s like to struggle to speak. She wanted to reclaim her voice.

It took her three years after graduating with a master’s in accounting to get a job because potential employers had trouble seeing past her speech challenges. One recruiter told her it would be difficult to help her because employers would assume she was mentally challenged based on her speech.

The obstacles made her more determined. She has always dreaded public speaking.

“My goal is to conquer my fears,” she said. “Even when I am nervous or stressed or scared about my stutter, I still make the video.”

Not only has she built a significant following online, she has self-published a book, “The Product of My Selfishness: The Stutter and the Story.” In sharing her struggles, she has inspired others who ask her for advice on how to navigate school and relationships. Among them, she deals with a few ignorant and hurtful remarks.

Morris pulls up the screenshots she took of a commenter who wrote that she would rather just learn sign language. When Morris responded, the poster replied: “thank God you wrote that because it probably would’ve took u forever to say it!” In her next response, the person curses at Morris and writes, “continue giving us, the ppl, a good laugh!”

At this point, Morris’ mother steps into the comments and tells her daughter to stay focused and remember the words of former first lady Michelle Obama: “When they go low, we go high.”

The video Morris is trying to make tonight is not going well -- probably because I’m watching her record it and making a stressful situation even more so.

“I might have to re-record this later,” she said, after switching the camera off.

She pulls up the last public message she received from the critic who taunted her.

“I want to apologize to you for my previous comments,” the commenter wrote. “It was never my intention to come at you in such a manner and it might have been delivered wrong.”

Morris smiled.

“She’s literally the only person who has ever apologized.”

Her biggest fear is speaking on a stage in front of a crowd. It’s far more intimidating than talking into her camera.

So, she’s now looking for an opportunity to speak live.

Another dragon to slay.

Mental Health

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