A fourth-grader's parents prohibited her from making a Facebook page, so she circumvented their rules and created her own social network.

Her mother, who is protective of her kids' privacy and didn't want their names used, was shocked when her daughter asked them to join a knock-off "Facebook." They had recently given her an iPhone with limited functions. The 9-year-old made a template of her own profile page in the Notes app, uploaded photos on it and invited her parents and sister to join and comment.

But wait, it gets better.

The grade-school sisters realized a four-person social media universe can quickly get dull. So, they invented characters who also commented on their updates. When one of the characters got a little snippy, their mom intervened with a reminder on how to be nice online.

She showed me their fake Facebook on her phone, and I thought it was ingenious. We marveled at how much her young daughters had absorbed about how social media works without any real exposure to it. Sharing thoughts, photos and experiences and getting "likes" are embedded parts of the culture. Even if you think you are raising a tech-sheltered child, they know more than you think at a younger age than you might prefer.

Media literacy educator Diana Graber says many adults approach the vexing issue of kids and tech from a limited perspective -- mostly based in fear. It's understandable that parents worry about the risks technology exposes our children to -- from cognitive, social and emotional impacts to personal safety concerns. Graber is often asked, "What's the right age for my kid to get a cellphone?" In her new book, "Raising Humans in a Digital World: Helping Kids Build a Healthy Relationship With Technology," she provides a list of questions for parents to consider about their child before handing over such a powerful device. Children should know how to manage their online reputation, think critically about the information they will encounter, and make safe and healthy relationships. Plus, they should be able to unplug from their devices when needed and know how to manage their privacy. That's a lot to expect from a tween whose brain still has years to develop and mature.

Graber stays away from offering a specific age, especially since every family circumstance is different. Her response is, "Are you comfortable that your child has these skills?" It's also important that parents understand the stakes involved. Her book addresses all the potential pitfalls that make parents anxious about children's tech use. But just as important, she offers a way to discuss and encourage the possibilities for all the good things happening online. Children are drawn to communicate with their peers, and this is how the majority of their generation communicates.

"They have to participate," she said. "They can't just hide out."

Graber describes possible digital on-ramps at different ages to help bring kids up to speed. When children explore online unguided, they are getting indoctrinated to norms you may not want them to have so young, she said.

One of her most helpful suggestions is to teach children the value in producing meaningful content rather than just consuming it. She has been engaging students in weekly lessons on cyber civics for the entire three-year duration of middle school. Each lesson builds upon the concepts and skills from previous years. They tackle real-life scenarios rather than just hearing lectures designed to scare them. It's an approach and curriculum more schools should adopt.

It takes those three years to revisit some of the same concepts in a more nuanced way. "Hopefully after three years, they get it," Graber said. "If we educate a whole generation, everything will change."

Part of the challenge for adults is keeping up with how rapidly technology evolves. In less than half a generation, the demographics of where I discovered social networking have flipped.

I told my teenage daughter that when I first created a Facebook account a decade ago, my youngest brother, then in his late teens, informed me that Facebook was for college students and old people didn't belong on it.

"That's funny," she laughed. "Now Facebook is just for old people."

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If I walked into my neighbor's kitchen and helped myself to a snack in her fridge, she'd think I'd lost my mind.

I've never been inside any of my neighbors' kitchens, nor have they been inside ours. It's a far cry from how I grew up, where our small ranch house was constantly filled with neighborhood kids and cousins.

No one thought twice about rummaging through our fridge. Researchers Will Miller and Glenn Sparks believe the decline in "refrigerator rights" relationships in America is directly connected to our increasing anxiety, incivility and stress.

In their book, "Refrigerator Rights: Our Crucial Need for Close Connection," they make a convincing case that too many of us have neglected our need for intimate relationships outside of our nuclear families.

They've created a visual shorthand for these relationships: How many people can come to your home and open your refrigerator without permission? In how many people's homes are you comfortable enough to do the same?

For too many Americans, the number is probably limited to those in our extended family -- many of whom may not live anywhere near us.

Are we losing our closest friendships? The authors cite a Stanford University study that reports one out of every four people questioned said they had "nobody at all" in whom they could confide. Twenty-five years ago, only one in eight said that.

We see dozens of people every day, at work, at school, on the sidelines of our children's soccer games. But how many of these relationships go beyond acquaintances?

Sparks and Miller offer three main reasons for our social isolation:

-- We move frequently and too often away from our families and roots. Statistics show that Americans relocate every five years.

-- We are increasingly distracted by electronic media. The average American watches more than 32 hours of television each week. And the internet takes a bigger and bigger chunk out of our personal time. While it allows us to be super-connected to the larger world, our individual sphere is neglected.

"Our immersion in electronic media comes at a price -- and that price is almost always the decreasing amount of time we spend with other people," Sparks writes on his blog.

-- Finally, we create a hectic busyness in our lives. With our constant go, go, go lifestyle, we are too tired in our downtime to spend it with other people.

The authors recommend that we re-examine why relationships tend to fall on the lowest rung of our priorities.

Tonight I have the choice of meeting some dear family friends for dinner. My list of excuses to beg off is long: My little one has a virus. The weather is rotten. I'm too tired to get dressed up. Their home is too far away. It would be so easy to just stay at home in my pajamas and catch up with them on Facebook.

But refrigerator rights relationships are only cultivated by spending time and sharing experiences -- face-to-face, in real time -- with those we care about.

Tonight I'm choosing face time over screen time.

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This column originally appeared in the St. Louis Post-Dispatch on December 28, 2008.

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The older I get, the more I have wondered why gaining weight is so easy and getting rid of it such a struggle.

After I turned 40, the conversations with friends my age more frequently touched on the same frustration: Why can't I lose weight?

I decided to ask a doctor and a nutritionist, who often talk to patients about this very issue, what they wish they could tell people more bluntly about our collective weight struggles. Here’s what the internal medicine specialist said: 1. Diet 2. Diet 3. Diet.

“I think people really underestimate how much they’re actually eating,” she said. Some people eat too much “healthy food,” others overindulge if they’ve eaten healthy all week and may not realize how many extra calories those rewards add.

“I think people try to look for excuses like their jobs, which are usually sedentary. They also say, ’I have been under a lot of stress,’ so I have not been able to watch my diet,” she said. Of course, there may be underlying hereditary and metabolic causes that play a part, she added. “But, the big one is still diet.”

I would guess this is a pretty typical medical view of why many Americans are overweight. And, to be honest, it makes sense.

But, here’s some context I wish doctors would also consider. Metabolism does slow down in middle age, while responsibilities and stress seem to snowball. If humans have a finite amount of willpower and self discipline each day, more of that gets used up raising tweens and teens. It saps self-control reserves to stay calm and patient with children who are trying your very last nerve. This leaves less willpower to resist emotional and stress-related eating and drinking.

There is legitimately less time available to work out when you are working, raising children and driving them around from activity to activity. And when you are able to prioritize working out, that exercise makes you hungrier.

These aren’t meant to be excuses, but explanations that take into account many parents’ realities. Of course, people do lose weight successfully in middle age and later, but it’s also fair to say that it takes a great deal of effort to lose it and keep it off.

When I asked a nutritionist, she agreed that diet is the main culprit, but she also pointed out the things outside individual control.

“Our food system is obesogenic,” she said. Manufactured food is often designed to be addictive and make us fat. An abundance of cheap, processed food may often be the easiest option for harried parents. Surprisingly, she also takes issue with USDA guidelines that suggest Americans should get 45 to 65 percent of daily calories from carbohydrates. For some middle-aged women, that is way too high, she said.

Changing guidelines on how to eat, what to eat and when to eat can be confusing for the average person. Feeling stuck in a cycle of losing and gaining weight adds to an underlying chronic level of stress many of us carry around day to day.

One of the smartest things I did last year was to get rid of clothes that haven’t fit comfortably for years and made me feel guilty every time I looked in my closet. Having a better understanding of why a task is so challenging should help us feel more compassionate and forgiving towards ourselves.

I’ll still make goals to be healthier in the upcoming year -- to eat less sugar and to exercise and sleep more.

I’m definitely ditching the guilt.

Feeling a little lighter already.