The older I get, the more I have wondered why gaining weight is so easy and getting rid of it such a struggle.

After I turned 40, the conversations with friends my age more frequently touched on the same frustration: Why can't I lose weight?

I decided to ask a doctor and a nutritionist, who often talk to patients about this very issue, what they wish they could tell people more bluntly about our collective weight struggles. Here’s what the internal medicine specialist said: 1. Diet 2. Diet 3. Diet.

“I think people really underestimate how much they’re actually eating,” she said. Some people eat too much “healthy food,” others overindulge if they’ve eaten healthy all week and may not realize how many extra calories those rewards add.

“I think people try to look for excuses like their jobs, which are usually sedentary. They also say, ’I have been under a lot of stress,’ so I have not been able to watch my diet,” she said. Of course, there may be underlying hereditary and metabolic causes that play a part, she added. “But, the big one is still diet.”

I would guess this is a pretty typical medical view of why many Americans are overweight. And, to be honest, it makes sense.

But, here’s some context I wish doctors would also consider. Metabolism does slow down in middle age, while responsibilities and stress seem to snowball. If humans have a finite amount of willpower and self discipline each day, more of that gets used up raising tweens and teens. It saps self-control reserves to stay calm and patient with children who are trying your very last nerve. This leaves less willpower to resist emotional and stress-related eating and drinking.

There is legitimately less time available to work out when you are working, raising children and driving them around from activity to activity. And when you are able to prioritize working out, that exercise makes you hungrier.

These aren’t meant to be excuses, but explanations that take into account many parents’ realities. Of course, people do lose weight successfully in middle age and later, but it’s also fair to say that it takes a great deal of effort to lose it and keep it off.

When I asked a nutritionist, she agreed that diet is the main culprit, but she also pointed out the things outside individual control.

“Our food system is obesogenic,” she said. Manufactured food is often designed to be addictive and make us fat. An abundance of cheap, processed food may often be the easiest option for harried parents. Surprisingly, she also takes issue with USDA guidelines that suggest Americans should get 45 to 65 percent of daily calories from carbohydrates. For some middle-aged women, that is way too high, she said.

Changing guidelines on how to eat, what to eat and when to eat can be confusing for the average person. Feeling stuck in a cycle of losing and gaining weight adds to an underlying chronic level of stress many of us carry around day to day.

One of the smartest things I did last year was to get rid of clothes that haven’t fit comfortably for years and made me feel guilty every time I looked in my closet. Having a better understanding of why a task is so challenging should help us feel more compassionate and forgiving towards ourselves.

I’ll still make goals to be healthier in the upcoming year -- to eat less sugar and to exercise and sleep more.

I’m definitely ditching the guilt.

Feeling a little lighter already.

(Editor’s Note: A version of this column originally appeared in the St. Louis Post-Dispatch in 2010.)

On the last day of her family’s spring break, Sharon Dunski Vermont confronted an ugly truth: Her tween-aged daughters were close to becoming spoiled brats. They had spent the day out with friends and decided to get ice cream. Vermont told them in the car that they would be getting child-sized scoops. Her older daughter said that wasn’t fair. In the store, she got more irate and had a meltdown.

"As she was having the fit I was mortified," Vermont said. To her, the fit was about something bigger. It was about the fact that her children, who got most of the things they asked for, did not appreciate what their parents did for them and everything they had.

"This was a growing theme in our family: more, bigger, better, more clothes, more electronics," she said. "This fit, which really was not about ice cream, was the straw that broke the camel's back."

She took an innovative approach to address the issue.

“If I was going to rectify this, then grounding was not going to be effective,” she said. “I was going to have to give them a different experience if I really wanted to instill gratitude.” She decided that since the incident happened in a type of restaurant, they would no longer eat at restaurants until they met 30 people they had not met before and had given them food instead of getting food.

Her younger daughter responded to the idea by saying, "That's not fair. I wasn't the one who had the meltdown." Her older daughter said, "You're right. I think I'll learn a lot, and I shouldn't have done it."

They visited the local fire department with bags of nonperishable meals: spaghetti, pasta sauce, canned fruits and canned vegetables and boxes of brownies in blue gift bags. The firefighters were so appreciative. They sat with them for an hour and a half and told them about how they help the community.

They repeated the experiment with other people in their community.

Vermont, 41, said when they got their dog groomed, they told the groomer about their project and asked about her life story. The groomer told them she was 23 years old, and her 1-year-old daughter had been diagnosed with a brain tumor. She was having trouble paying the bills and buying food. At that point, Vermont said to her kids: So, how important was that ice cream?

And they started getting it.

They also approached the woman who cuts their hair. “I went in and said: My daughter had a meltdown over ice cream because she wanted more. And so, I decided my children needed to meet people they didn't know and learn about their lives, so they can develop an appreciation for other people in their community as well as their own lives.” The hairdresser responded, "I always ask clients about them; no one asks about me." She was a single mom, divorced, raising three kids on her own. And that day was her daughter's birthday, and she was at work.

The entire project took almost five months. They did not buy any food at any restaurant during that time, except once on a daughter’s birthday.

The kids were introduced to some very grown-up topics: a teen mom who gave up her baby for adoption, a lesbian who was not accepted by her family, issues of poverty and illness. They heard from a Holocaust survivor, a Bosnian war survivor and a recovering drug addict. “It really helped them understand a lot of lessons I try to teach them to hear it from someone else who has lived through it,” Vermont said.

She also noticed changes in her kids’ behavior.

“Someone stole our younger daughter's scooter from our front lawn,” she said. Her older daughter called her grandparents and said, "For my birthday can you get a scooter for (my sister) as my present because she lost hers and is really upset?" Before, their thinking always was, “What am I getting for my birthday?” They seem much more compassionate now.

For Hanukkah, Vermont gave them a couple of CDs and DVDs, and her daughters were fine with that. They’ve also been doing a lot of shopping since the ice cream incident at Goodwill.

“I didn't think that would go over well, but they are totally fine with it,” she said. The experiment seems to have paid off.

“If I had grounded her, she would have forgotten about it in a month, but this had an impact on all of us, and we will never forget it,” Vermont said.

I recently asked my 13-year-old son what the best gift I’ve ever given him was. He answered right away: “Life.” OK, fair enough, I said. But, set that aside.

He thought for a second and then asked for clarification. “Do you mean a physical gift or a mental gift?” (By mental, I think he meant intangible.) I told him to share whatever came to mind. “As far as physical gift, probably the DS,” he said. That’s a handheld game console made by Nintendo that acted like a permanent extension of his hands for several years.

“As far as mentally, teaching me how to get things done,” he added. That’s an interesting choice. I’m pretty sure it’s part of the basic parenting deal -- loving them, providing for them and teaching them how to survive and thrive in this world. I wanted to tell him that’s not a gift; that’s my job. But I appreciated the sweetness of the answer, so I moved on to interrogate the next child.

She’s 16 and far less sentimental in her conversations with me. When I asked her, she answered pretty quickly.

“When you got us Hamilton’ tickets,” she said. A few years back, all we heard in our home were the songs from that Broadway musical. She was obsessed, which got her younger brother into the music, which got us curious, too. When tickets went on sale for a run in Chicago, I spent considerable time online and kept striking out. I called the box office and was able to get tickets for a show more than eight months later. The cost exceeded what I would normally spend on a gift, so I surprised her on Eid (our holiday at the end of Ramadan) with the disclaimer that this would be her Eid and birthday gift for the next year. She freaked out.

We ended up making a family weekend out of it. The months of looking forward to it added to the enjoyment of the experience. This is my child who loves memorable experiences -- concerts, adventures -- and those are my favorite gifts to give, as well. There’s the added bonus of reliving a great memory. To be honest, seeing “Hamilton” was a gift for all of us.

Lastly, I turned to my husband. Neither of us is a fan of receiving expensive gifts from each other. We consult each other on any major purchase, anyway. Once I wanted to surprise him with tickets to a concert we had both wanted to see. My excitement got the better of me, and I told him right after I got the tickets. Turns out, he had planned to buy the same tickets as a surprise for me later that same day.

I already knew the answer to my best gift question, because he’s told me several times that the Breville tea maker I got for one of his birthdays was the best gift ever. He had been eyeing it for a year but was reluctant to spend $250 on a convenience appliance. It makes a perfect cup of tea every morning. He has used it every single day since I gave it to him. It’s always great when someone else buys us something we really want but consider too indulgent to buy ourselves.

All this talk of gifts made me reflect on the best ones I’ve received. Like my son, I created two categories in my mind -- stuff and non-stuff. My favorite physical gifts tend to be the cards, letters, poems and keepsakes the kids make. That stuff is priceless.

The truly best gift, however, my loved ones give far more than once or twice a year.

It’s letting go of all the times I’m less than my best self. It’s overlooking my bad habits and worst mistakes. It’s the love that persists despite living with my flaws and shortcomings.

The best gift is forgiveness.