parenting

Why the First Day of School Can Be Hard for Parents, Too

Parents Talk Back by by Aisha Sultan
by Aisha Sultan
Parents Talk Back | August 15th, 2016

Plenty of parents break out the happy dance on the first day of school.

It's a respite from the long, hot days of dealing with children who have been bored for weeks and eating snacks from the pantry faster than you can restock them. It's also a moment of optimism -- starting an academic year still ripe with potential and getting to meet new teachers who may spark a passion for learning in your child.

That's far more exciting for parents than new school supplies.

Of course, a new school year also marks that bittersweet passage of time. First day of school pictures document a childhood slipping away as each grade gets closer to graduation.

Most years, the first day is a salad toss of these emotions for many parents. I've been that mom who gets a little misty-eyed at the morning bus stop, yet also relishes the return of peace and quiet during the day.

But certain years can be even more emotionally complicated for parents. These are the major transition years when a child starts at a new school -- kindergarten, middle school or high school. And the first year of college is the biggest transitional year of all. These four milestone years can be just as nerve-wracking for parents as they are for students.

Transitions are inherently unsettling. It's a change in setting, in routines and expectations, and in peer relationships. A child understandably has a fear of the unknown, but a parent has to deal with a fear of the known.

A child's first day of school is also a walk down memory lane for parents. They remember the challenges they faced themselves during those transition years, and the scars they accumulated along the way. Adults may remember all too well the pain of being left out in elementary school, bullied in middle school or isolated in high school, and want to spare their child the same fate. They may recall the loneliness or sense of being overwhelmed during the first year away from home. Or if they experienced a significant loss as a child, such as a divorce or death in the family, it may also color their memory of that time in school.

Even if your own transition years were relatively smooth, as an adult you can see all the potential pitfalls on this new part of the journey. Children graduate to a new school, while parents graduate to a whole new set of worries.

It's hard to know how to help your child navigate a year that touches back to a time when you carried feelings of low self-esteem or shame.

I remember feeling a slight sense of panic when my eldest child was about to start middle school. That had been a rough transition year for me socially, and I assumed the start of junior high was horrible for most people.

Those who have suffered at the hands of peers or teachers may assume it's a normal part of growing up to be miserable in sixth grade or terribly insecure in ninth. Yes, some awkwardness and angst is developmentally appropriate in adolescence. But smooth transitions help alleviate the bumps and bruises that are part of the learning curve.

Just recognizing that your own experiences may be influencing how you feel about a particular transition year can help calm latent anxieties.

Once I took stock of all the ways my daughter's experience was different than my own -- she had more self-confidence and a supportive social circle -- I was able to worry less and appreciate the chance to help her grow through these years. She survived the transition and is looking forward to her last year before tackling high school.

As my son starts sixth grade this year, my old fears have been laid to rest. The experience of watching an older child emerge happy and successful from the year that was hardest for me healed my own past hurts.

I can go back home from the bus stop this year and do that happy dance.

Family & Parenting
parenting

Creating a Fair Division of Labor

Parents Talk Back by by Aisha Sultan
by Aisha Sultan
Parents Talk Back | August 8th, 2016

The busiest years in a couple's life are when both partners are building careers and raising young children.

It takes many different types of work to keep a household running: the physical tasks, such as cooking, cleaning and laundry; the mental tasks, like coordinating schedules and managing finances; and the social-emotional tasks of keeping tabs on everyone's wants and needs.

If a task isn't your job or a leisure activity, it goes into one of these "buckets" of household work. One of the most contentious issues during this stage of life is the question of who carries the most buckets -- or the heaviest ones.

Sharing household chores was in the top three highest-ranking issues necessary for a successful marriage, according to a 2007 Pew Research Poll. (The first two were faithfulness and good sex.)

In the past half-century, the majority of mothers have moved into the paid labor force. The labor force participation of women with children under the age of 18 has risen to 70 percent. And mothers are the primary breadwinners in 40 percent of households with children, according to a Pew Research Center analysis of census data.

Now more than ever, the distribution of household labor is an issue of fairness and respect.

In a 2015 Pew Survey, more than half of the working partners in two-parent households said they split household chores equally. But nearly half also said working mothers do more in handling children's schedules and activities, which requires significant effort before children can drive or manage their own time.

And there's a gender gap in how mothers and fathers describe their household's distribution of labor.

"Mothers in two-parent households, regardless of work status, are more likely to report that they do more on each of the items tested in the survey than fathers are to say their spouse or partner does more. For their part, fathers are generally more likely than mothers to say that these responsibilities are shared about equally," the report found.

One mother I talked to expressed that very sentiment regarding her own family situation.

"I think in his perspective I do 60 to 65 percent of the work, when in reality, I do 90 percent," she said. "And I'm being very conservative with that 90 percent."

The so-called "invisible work" can often fall to women by default. Part of that may be because the gender-chore gap hasn't changed much in more than a decade. Bloomberg reported last year that the Bureau of Labor Statistics' annual Time Use Survey reveals that the percentage of men and women who are involved in household activities -- defined as housework, cooking, cleaning up after cooking, and generally taking care of the household -- has barely moved since 2003, when the bureau began tracking Americans' day-to-day activities.

Everyone wants to be appreciated and recognized for the contributions and effort put forth in their home life. If left unchecked, an unfair division of labor breeds resentment and alienation between spouses. It can erode intimacy and the sense of being supported as an equal. If one person is constantly feeling overwhelmed or tired, a redistribution of responsibility may be in order.

Part of the solution is raising awareness of all the tasks that require labor -- whether mental, physical or emotional -- in raising a family and managing a household.

To that end, try creating a comprehensive list of all the various tasks it takes to run your household. (I compiled one such list for my local paper, the St. Louis Post-Dispatch, which is available online. Another good list to work from is Alexandra Bradner's from her 2013 piece in The Atlantic, also online.) Then sit down with your spouse and determine who typically handles what -- and where things might need to shift.

Perhaps one person prefers to take primary charge of an area, such as school communication or vacation planning. Maybe one spouse wasn't aware of the way certain tasks pile up into stressful mental clutter, and can work to alleviate that. Perhaps one partner needs to try not to criticize the way certain tasks get done in the future.

These may be difficult conversations, but they are necessary to the overall long-term happiness of the family.

Family & ParentingWork & School
parenting

Moms Create Apps to Tackle Parenting Problems

Parents Talk Back by by Aisha Sultan
by Aisha Sultan
Parents Talk Back | August 1st, 2016

When it comes to modern parenting, mothers are the necessity of invention.

There is an avalanche of smartphone apps created by parents designed to make child-rearing easier, more efficient or more fun.

Out of the 2 million apps available in the leading app stores, thousands target the demographic of busy parents -- especially moms, who make many of the household purchasing decisions.

Some of the more interesting ones were also created by moms who had run into a parenting challenge they wanted to solve for themselves.

For example: One Texas mom was tired of her teen ignoring her texts and calls. So she developed Ignore No More -- an app that remotely shuts down a child's phone until he or she calls the parent for a passcode to unlock it. Another mom created ParentBlocked, which allows parents to block a teen's texting capabilities while they're driving.

Three St. Louis-area moms recently took on the proliferation of expensive extracurricular activities for children. Many parents are familiar with the frustration that arises when a child expresses great enthusiasm for a sport or activity, but then loses interest before the season or semester has ended. These three moms have launched a site that allows children to try a variety of activities and lessons for a flat fee of $99 per month.

The idea surfaced when they reconnected at a mutual friend's birthday party last year. They were all working professionals in pivotal points in their corporate careers, and all looking to make a change. They formed a company a month later.

They are launching Kidzxplor.com in August, as a way to make scheduling kids' activities easier and cheaper overall. A child can take classes or lessons from about 40 different providers without having to make a months-long commitment to any of them. While only in the St. Louis area for now, the founders are hoping to expand Kidzxplor to other markets soon.

The idea is modeled after ClassPass, a fitness startup that gives members access to a variety of fitness studios and classes for a month-to-month fee. Angela Sandler, one of the Kidzxplor founders, asked why parents couldn't schedule their kids' activities the way she could sign up for fitness classes on her phone.

The women turned that idea into reality.

Another one of the founders, Stephanie Saur, is an attorney and mother of two daughters in grade school. She said she didn't realize how much money was going out the door on her daughters' extracurriculars until she got a monthly statement for their music lessons. By joining Kidzxplor, customers pay $99 per month for the first child and $59 for siblings, and their children can take an unlimited number of classes, such as gymnastics, swimming or dance, from any of the providers. It operates on a month-to-month basis without any long-term commitment.

"Parents are strapped time-wise and strapped financially," Sandler said. The entrepreneurs are betting that a solution that made sense in their lives will be valuable to other parents, as well.

Given the rise of digital parenting, it may prove a smart strategy.

There are apps to track your newborn's every bowel movement and nap, ones that turn your phone into a baby monitor, others that keep track of kids' activities and organize family schedules. You can get recipe ideas based on what's in your fridge and pantry, keep track of a chore chart or potty train via phone. You can hunt for babysitters, find coupons, track your teens, locate nearby playgrounds, archive your kids' artwork and store family medical information using a phone app.

It's the double-edged sword of new tech: It takes time to help us save time.

And app developers are hoping to turn parental convenience into a profitable business model.

Family & Parenting

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