parenting

When a Perfect Life Falls Apart

Parents Talk Back by by Aisha Sultan
by Aisha Sultan
Parents Talk Back | July 4th, 2016

One of my school friends met her future husband as a sophomore in high school. He was a senior, serious about his future, and he drove a fast car.

Cindy, a fun-loving and beautiful blonde, was wary of becoming too involved too fast. But they stayed together even when he went away to college. They got married shortly after she graduated from the University of Texas.

Her husband graduated from medical school, just as he had planned, and she taught special education for a few years before they started their own family. They moved across small towns in the southeast as opportunities arose for him.

No one was surprised that Cindy and Peter were the high school sweethearts who made it. One of our mutual friends even correctly predicted in high school that Cindy would end up being a stay-at-home mom with six children.

Among our crowd of misfit, bright students, Cindy seemed to be the one who would follow a well-planned life path.

She and Peter lived in a spacious house on four acres in South Carolina, and took their kids to Disney and on camping trips. Cindy's Facebook posts reminded me of Erma Bombeck books I read as a child. She wrote about her life with a sense of humor and openness. Even though I grew up in a family of six children, she was the only peer I knew who had taken on the challenges of raising a family that size -- from teens to toddlers under the same roof.

She thrived managing that chaos.

Peter worked the demanding hours of an emergency room physician but spent his free time with his family.

He was on a school field trip with his son's middle school class when a blood clot traveled to his lungs. He died before he reached the hospital. He was 43.

I saw the news when Cindy posted it on Facebook and called her soon after. If it seemed unreal to us, this new reality was unimaginable to her.

I saw her a few months after her husband died, when her grief was still raw. There wasn't much I could say. I mostly just listened and offered hugs. I've prayed for her and her children often.

She and her children have spent the past year picking up the pieces and trying to figure how to refit them without Peter.

When The Cure, a rock band from an earlier era in my life, announced its tour schedule last year, I texted my high school friends, now scattered around the country. Using a concert as an excuse for a reunion, we all traveled to a city away from our homes this summer.

When I had asked Cindy if she wanted to go, she wasn't sure if she would be ready to leave her kids for a weekend. But her family told her they would take care of things, so she came. It was her first trip without them, without Peter.

It had been nearly a year and a half since Peter's death.

He had taken her to her first big concert. It had been The Cure in the summer of 1992, when we had graduated high school.

This summer, we danced to songs that took us back decades to a time when most of us couldn't have imagined what paths lay ahead. The one that seemed the most steady and certain took the most significant sideways turn.

We talked about how Peter had been as a teenager, and we laughed as she told us stories about how he was a father and husband. She's shared moments when she's felt his presence and heard his voice so clearly. She wears her wedding band.

She looks for moments of joy amid the grief.

Cindy is one of those people who sends a long, entertaining Christmas letter every year that I love reading. She addressed the life-changing loss near the end of last year's note.

"I have had to learn and grow in so many ways," she wrote, and quoted Ecclesiastes 7:3: "Sorrow is better than laughter; it may sadden your face, but it sharpens your understanding."

"And I know so much now," she wrote. "I really know."

She reflected on the 24 years she and Peter spent together.

"We had a great love story. It's a story because it has a beginning, a middle, and an end. And although his chapter has ended, ours will continue."

Love & DatingMarriage & DivorceFamily & ParentingDeath
parenting

Mother of Transgender Daughter Faces Down Haters

Parents Talk Back by by Aisha Sultan
by Aisha Sultan
Parents Talk Back | June 27th, 2016

Julie Williams and her daughters had enjoyed a casual lunch and were strolling along a historic street in the St. Louis area when she heard a startling comment.

"You need ISIS," a street preacher called out to her.

She had heard the group of three young men spewing slurs against homosexuals when they had passed by them. It was ugly stuff, but she figured it was their prerogative and kept walking.

But when one of them invoked ISIS, it stopped her cold.

Not today. It was less than three days since the mass shooting in a gay club in Orlando killed 49 people. Not here. This was a diverse and welcoming street -- a popular tourist attraction that always felt safe to her transgender daughter, Alice.

She told her daughters to keep walking and wait for her further down the street. They moved further ahead, but not as far as she would have liked.

"Excuse me? What did you say?" Williams asked the man on the street, who had been recording the two preachers next to him with a cellphone. "Are you referring to the Islamic State?"

"You will be blown off the face of the Earth," she says he told her.

He and the two other men with him kept referring to the Bible, citing passages from Leviticus. Williams, 52, of Creve Coeur, Missouri, asked them if they were affiliated with the terrorist group, which they denied. But they seemed to share some common ideology, and the harassment terrified her.

The men didn't appear to fit the stereotype of potential terrorists in America.

"I had no sense that they were foreign-born. No real sense that they were Muslims, because they were citing the Bible," Williams said. "They had so much hate, they were finding validation in a religious sort of teaching."

She called 911. The local police showed up; Williams gave a statement and filed a report.

Capt. Larry Hampton with the University City (Missouri) Police Department said the group is well-known in the neighborhood. They have been showing up every week for years to speak on street corners.

"This is a group that calls themselves a religion. They were just reading off a paper they call 'Scriptures,'" he said. "I don't think she was targeted."

Williams wonders if the men were tipped off to Alice's transgender status because Alice, 20, is over 6 feet tall. She doesn't know for sure what provoked their hateful commentary.

Hampton said the department enforces local ordinances against trespassing, street blockages or peace disturbances, but this group was within its rights to speak its views.

"The freedom of speech does apply to everyone," he said, adding that the department would share the information with the federal authorities. He does not believe the men have any connection to ISIS, and none of them has a felony record.

The incident shook Williams, who volunteers at St. Louis' Holocaust Museum. She contacted the Anti-Defamation League, which advised her to report the incident to the FBI. She realized that the men who called her an abomination and said her family should be "blown off the face of the earth" could legally purchase an assault weapon in Missouri. That thought scares her.

"It was not just upsetting to me and my children, but an issue of public safety," she said.

When Alice transitioned a few years ago, her family became her posse. They didn't let her go into public alone because they feared for her safety.

Her daughter had never faced any overt discrimination before, Julie said.

The incident raises questions about when free speech crosses the line into punishable hate speech. It illustrates the potential lure of ISIS by those who may only share an extremist ideology across so-called religious or ethnic backgrounds. It suggests the ability of hatemongers to exert greater intimidation or power by invoking the horror of ISIS.

For Williams, it made the debate about better gun regulations feel even more personal.

Most of us would back off a confrontation with a stranger acting like an unhinged extremist -- especially in a state with some of the loosest gun laws in the country. It's just too risky.

Their mother's actions made an impression on her daughters.

"Even now, I think about how brave she was," Alice said. "Her strong sense of justice was amazing."

Her mother admitted that she was scared, and said she would have ignored the hecklers if they had simply insulted her.

"I felt like they were threatening my child, and I wasn't going to stand for it," she said. "I didn't use to be brave until I had these kids."

AbuseHealth & SafetyLGBTQ
parenting

Building Better Fathers

Parents Talk Back by by Aisha Sultan
by Aisha Sultan
Parents Talk Back | June 20th, 2016

Quintton Williams, 25, was running out things to do with his 3-year-old son. He didn't have a lot of money to spend on activities.

A friend had told him about a new young fathers' support group that met weekly, and encouraged him to go. Williams, who lives in St. Louis, decided to check it out.

Duane Gill, 41, facilitates the group, which was launched by the nonprofit Parents as Teachers (PAT) earlier this year. He follows a curriculum that focuses on child development, effective discipline and parenting apart from a child's mother. Gill also shares information about free activities around town, and provides pizza and chicken wings.

The camaraderie has turned out to be a bigger draw than the free food.

There's a group of about 20 teens and young men meeting weekly, all with the desire to become better fathers.

"I love being my son's role model," Williams said. He likes showing him new things and playing sports with him. His biggest challenge, he said, is the cost of providing for a child.

"Being a parent is expensive," he said. Williams works as a safety officer and plans to begin training at the St. Louis County Police Academy by the end of the month. He's been attending the fatherhood meeting regularly for the past couple of months, and says he's learned how to improve the relationship and communication with his son's mother, with whom he shares custody.

"We want to keep a positive relationship for the sake of our son," he said.

A portion of the meeting time is set aside to discuss what Gill calls "baby-mama drama." It first came up when one of the young fathers raised the question of how to deal with his daughter's mother's new boyfriend. "What if he wants to discipline my daughter?" the father asked. That discussion lasted for an hour and a half.

There are obstacles that arise when fathers are trying to co-parent a child while living apart from the mother, Gill said. The peer support offers a chance to vent about problems and brainstorm solutions.

"There is group wisdom being shared," Gill said. "I learn a lot from them, too."

Another frequent topic of discussion addresses how to best discipline children. Gill said he wants young fathers to consider ways other than spanking to correct a child's behavior.

"You don't always have to be physical with your child," he said.

One out of every 15 American males will father a child while in his teens. The situation can be overwhelming, but help and resources are out there. Kristen Mandrell, a project manager with PAT, says the nonprofit's entire Fatherhood Toolkit is offered for free on the website parentsasteachers.org under the Resources tab.

The parenting sessions target areas with high rates of infant mortality and teen pregnancy, with the goal of reducing both. PAT wants to help teen parents, male and female, improve their parenting skills and learn about the developmental needs of infants and young children. The group sponsors three young fatherhood groups and four teen motherhood groups per week in the St. Louis area, along with several more across the country.

There's a ripple effect to educating young fathers: Their children do better, across every measure of well-being, than their peers in father-absent homes.

Williams knows the importance of his role. His own father has been married to his mother for 28 years, and has always maintained a strong relationship with him.

He speaks passionately about his hopes for his son.

"My dream for him is to be the best little man he can be," Williams said. "I want him to be better than me. I don't want him to have a child as young as I did. I want him to go to college, be able to leave St. Louis and travel the world."

The fact that he's putting in the work to become a more informed father will bring those dreams closer to reality.

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