The two 10-year-old girls must have been freezing outside the grocery store in suburban St. Louis, but it wasn't obvious to passers-by.

It was 34 degrees and windy. They were wearing big, puffy jackets and bright, fuzzy scarves, with Santa hats layered on top of woolen hats.

The girls were nearing the end of a two-hour shift that had started at 8 a.m. on a recent Saturday morning. With their mothers standing behind them and the red Salvation Army bucket front and center, the foursome were ringing bells rather zealously. The girls were singing "Jingle Bells."

At one point, Anna Fairchild said, "It's so cold out here, Mommy."

Her mother, Christine Fairchild, responded gently: "We're out here for two hours. There are people out here all the time."

The girls kept ringing and singing and smiling.

Christine, a 38-year-old oncology nurse, had been out here the night before with her teenager. Volunteering for the shifts through their church has become a family tradition. There are moments when she's reminded why they do it.

This cold morning, a middle-aged woman stopped in front of the bucket with a handful of change. "I don't have a job right now," the woman said. "This is all I can give, but I want to give something."

Christine wants her daughters to witness these moments of generosity.

Laura McDurmont, 42, of Ballwin, Missouri, decided she and her daughter, Emma, would join the Fairchilds on this outing. Earlier in the month, the McDurmonts had visited a special-needs school to help children pick out toys. They also brought donations to a local food pantry and made gifts for another child through church.

"Right now, you're pretty lucky," Laura has told her children. "But you don't know when your luck is going to run out."

Babies and toddlers are self-centered by nature, and our job as parents requires that we meet their needs. But even very young children can begin to understand how their actions impact others. And this awareness becomes even more important as they get older.

The antidote to entitlement is gratitude. Research shows that gratitude helps to develop a child's sense of empathy and increases her own odds for a happier life. But just like imparting any value or life skill, teaching gratitude takes time, repetition and reinforcement.

It also requires some restraint and discipline on our part. Parents don't have to buy every single item on a child's wish list. Sometimes it's just as important to not get what you want.

Reflecting the cultural and economic mood, some parents have told me that their kids' requests to Santa were simpler this year. Many families are paring back. There is a recognition that with too much stuff, things get lost in the shuffle. Sometimes, the more you give, the less it is appreciated.

Although the McDurmonts' financial situation is stable, they also decided to cut back on purchases.

"The things we do buy are more meaningful," Laura said. "We're going to church more and doing more service projects."

They drew names with their extended family, rather than buy gifts for everyone. And she's taken to heart her friend's philosophy on raising grateful children.

Christine's cheery and chilly daughter may be the best testimonial to a parent's effort paying off. Anna said she's glad she got to ring the bell in the freezing temps: "I've been having fun doing it."

"For me, it's not about telling them," said Christine, on teaching her kids about gratitude. "It's about doing things with them."

Between the books, articles and blogs, the parenting-advice industry churns out millions of words each year telling us how to raise successful, happy children.

A lot of this material crosses my desk, and I try to share the most helpful parts. But when I need real-life advice, I turn to a friend who has battled in the same trenches recently, and managed to raise wonderful adult children. That living proof of a kind, thriving adult is a convincing testimonial that something worked on the parenting side.

Recently, I surveyed dozens of parents I've admired over the years, who have enviable relationships with amazing adult children. I wanted to know how they navigated the tumultuous teenage years.

Looking back, when were they glad they'd said "no" to their teens?

It's difficult to set and consistently enforce boundaries with adolescents. Children at this age have better skills of persuasion than toddlers, but similar boundary-testing, over-reactive temperaments. They are also skilled at guilt-provoking mind games.

Themes emerged in the responses from the parents I interviewed. These were the top 10 situations in which parents were glad they stuck to their guns:

-- No to parties when they did not know the parent hosting it. Even when it mortified their children, parents called to ask if an adult would be at home during the party. Unsupervised high school parties were not allowed.

-- No to having friends over when there were no adults at home. Even when children are old enough to stay away from physical dangers, their brains are still developing. Having an adult nearby can prevent risky experimentation.

-- No to allowing extra riders in the car when a teen first got his or her license. It's too easy for inexperienced, young drivers to get distracted with a bunch of friends in the car.

-- No to a co-ed sleepover after prom. Some parents even banned single-sex sleepovers as a general rule, or limited sleepovers to homes of friends the parents knew well.

-- No to staying out too late. These parents set a curfew, and their children may have complained that it was earlier than when some of their friends had to be home. The parents said they encouraged making their home the "hang-out house," where their kids' friends could stay as late as they were allowed.

-- No to doing things for the kids that they could do themselves. It may have been easier and avoided tears and fights for parents to do certain tasks for their teens, but these parents said they knew teaching independence would serve their children far better in the long run.

-- No to getting every material thing they wanted. Teens were required to do chores around the house. Some parents expected their children to earn their own spending money by getting jobs.

-- No computers or televisions in the bedroom. The computers were kept in common areas. Now, of course, children can access powerful computers in their pockets, but the idea of setting limits on technology is still relevant.

-- No to TP-ing houses.

-- No to attending parties with alcohol. Not only is underage drinking illegal, these situations can lead to life-threatening consequences.

Of course, there will be times when a child will disregard a rule no matter how often or clearly it's been explained.

"Sometimes they push us because they want to see how much we really care," one parent said.

Just as important as what their children were prohibited from doing is what these parents made a point to do: They were present, active and available in their teen's lives. They kept a watchful eye without smothering them. They shared their expectations that their kids would put in the effort to do their best work in school. They talked to their teens, even when they realized that they were not going to be their friend.

The friendship can develop later, once the child matures into adulthood.

"Trust your instincts," one mother said. "And pray a lot."

I never expected to share a ride with former vice president Dick Cheney, of all people.

But here we are, on the same strange carousel of condemnation.

After the mass shooting in San Bernardino, California that claimed 14 lives last week, I felt the familiar revulsion, anger and heartache that the rest of the nation endures after such an attack. When the attack was linked to a self-identified Muslim married couple, I felt worse that these killers had allegedly twisted religious beliefs to commit barbaric acts of violence.

Islamic clerics have issued fatwas against terrorism for years. Local Muslim communities and national Islamic organizations relentlessly speak publicly and condemn crimes committed by anyone claiming to be Muslim -- terrorists who would just as easily kill me or any other American Muslim family in an indiscriminate attack.

I've been part of this chorus of condemnation, although I'm not sure who I'm trying to sway. Potential ISIS recruits? They could care less what any sane person thinks of them. Bigots who hate all Muslims? They wouldn't believe me anyway.

It's strange to think civil servants, religious leaders, scholars and ordinary citizens would need to say something as obvious as "murder is wrong, and terrorists don't share our beliefs." But maybe in these times, when significant segments of the population deny facts, and aspiring political leaders lie without compunction, it's necessary to state the obvious.

"To remain silent -- I don't think that's a viable alternative, especially when the New York Post front page screams 'Muslim Killers,'" as it did after the San Bernardino shootings, said Ibrahim Hooper, spokesman for the Council on American-Islamic Relations, in an interview with the AP.

Perhaps Cheney also felt a little ridiculous having to point out that Donald Trump's recent proposal to bar all Muslims from entering the country is wrong and doesn't reflect American beliefs. "I think this whole notion that somehow we need to say 'no more Muslims' and just ban a whole religion goes against everything we stand for and believe in. I mean, religious freedom has been a very important part of our history," Cheney said.

And this is coming from a guy who has a penchant for going to war on sketchy intelligence.

There are, of course, steps beyond condemnation that Cheney and I can take against a lunatic fringe group that doesn't represent our values or beliefs.

I donated some money toward the crowd-funded initiative "Muslims United for San Bernardino," a month-long effort to help victims' families that has raised more than $80,000 in the first five days. Maybe Cheney can throw in a few bucks toward Republican efforts to denounce Trump's anti-American proposals.

If I hear anyone questioning whether these two shooters were actually tied to radical jihadists, I speak up about all the various agencies saying it's a likely scenario. I argue for evidence and logic, and against conspiracy theories. Perhaps Cheney can also speak up in private circles where he hears fascism-creep, and not just against the most extreme and dangerous things Trump says.

I make an effort to involve my children in service projects led by Christian churches and attend Jewish celebrations hosted by our friends. We invite people of all faiths, and those who are agnostic or atheist, into our home regularly. I'd welcome Cheney to visit the volunteer-run clinic staffed by Muslim American doctors in St. Louis providing free health care to whomever walks in the door.

I don't want another person to be recruited by the sick, delusional and depraved cult of ISIS. I'm positive Cheney doesn't want any American radicalized by hate speech to kill people at a Planned Parenthood clinic or in an African-American church. I'm sure we both want our country to do a better job keeping guns and stockpiles of weapons away from mentally unstable and dangerous people. At the same time, the government must also do a better job gathering and sharing intelligence about such people.

When we join together against the threats facing us, our united responses reveal our strength to our enemies.

Our actions speak far louder than our condemnations.