Q: Over the past couple of years I've been battling severe anxiety and depression. These feelings are bad enough, but I'm concerned that I'm making life difficult for my wife and kids. What should I do?

Jim: I'd say that your concern is actually a hopeful sign. Some people who suffer from depression withdraw so deeply into themselves that they're incapable of thinking about others. I'm glad to hear of your care for your family and encourage you to follow that thought.

That said, let's highlight that depression can distort your perceptions, including your sense of the impact on your family. Perhaps it's not quite as bad as you fear. Talk with your wife and ask about her thoughts and feelings -- and listen carefully. She may be able to give you a more objective perspective. You must address your condition, but don't take on a needless load of worry or guilt.

Decisive action is vital in countering depression and anxiety. Are you talking with your family physician about this? Have you engaged the services of a licensed counselor? Do you keep appointments faithfully and follow doctor's orders? Have you started taking appropriate medication? If you've initiated any of these steps, great! If not, I strongly recommend that you start now.

Once you're moving in the right direction, transparently discuss these steps with your spouse and children -- and enlist their support. You'll be surprised what this kind of communication can mean. In talking openly about your struggles, you're giving your wife and kids a tremendous gift of encouragement and hope. In the end, you'll be stronger and closer as a family by facing the problem together as a team.

Our staff would love to help you on this journey. I invite you to call our Counseling department for a free consultation: call 855-771-HELP (4357).

Q: My marriage has fallen apart recently and it's impacting my 9-year-old daughter. I know she's bottling everything up; how can I help her talk about her feelings?

Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: Children often manage confusing or difficult situations with words like "I wonder" and "what if." They also use "should" and "could" to create order when circumstances are beyond their control.

-- I wonder. "I wonder" questions tell a lot about a child's insecurities. "I wonder if my parents are going to get a divorce?" or "I wonder if my dad loves me?" are good examples. More than just curiosity, these questions express hopes and wishes for the best.

-- What if? Children sometimes try to quiet unpleasant emotions by seeking explanations using "what if" questions. "What if Mom and Dad hadn't gotten a divorce?" "What if I was better at sports? Would my dad love me more?" Different scenarios are invoked to make sense of emotional pain.

-- Should. "Should" statements communicate demand and expectation -- how life ought to be. "Dads shouldn't leave their families." "My mom shouldn't drink." While these may be true, many times "should" statements leave a child frustrated when things are not the way they "should" be.

-- Could. This is the most hopeful coping word. "Could" allows ownership of the things that can be owned. It lets a child accept the fact that some things can't be controlled, but life can still be OK. For instance, "My mom and dad could have stayed married, but they didn't. I could still try to have a good relationship with both of them, or I could stay angry." "Could" allows options like offering grace and forgiveness, and the freedom to live a life of resiliency.

Help your daughter process her "what if," "I wonder" and "should" thoughts. Teach her to use "could" ideas to experience emotional freedom.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.

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Q: Sometimes my wife and I are at a loss as to how to motivate our kids to do their best without getting pushy. We want them to reach their full potential. Do you have any suggestions?

Jim: My advice is actually pretty simple: Always be their cheerleader. Affirmation beats out criticism and negativity any day. But here's the catch -- make sure you're cheering for the right things.

To use an analogy, in a football game the cheerleaders don't yell for the offense when the defense is on the field. They motivate their team by cheering for the right things at the right times. And that requires paying attention to what's actually happening in the game at the moment.

That's also how you cheer for your children -- by focusing your encouragement on who they can realistically become with some grit and determination. Maybe your child won't thrive in sports; they might be better suited for intellectual pursuits or activities like playing an instrument, dance or art. Perhaps their academic ability isn't as strong in science or math as it is in history or composition. Take that into consideration at report card time. Requiring excellence from a child who isn't gifted in an area is like asking them to grow 12 inches taller, or to become an introvert or an extrovert when they're naturally wired the opposite.

Of course, you want your children to work hard in every area of their lives. But you won't motivate them to strive for their potential by expecting the impossible. Every person is gifted in some way (I highly recommend the insightful little book "8 Great Smarts" by Dr. Kathy Koch). Build your child's competence by helping them discover their natural gifts and talents. Then cheer them on to be the best they can be.

For more ideas to help your children thrive, visit FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: My wife and I are generally good at having "constructive disagreements." But every so often our arguments get overheated. How can we keep a lid on things?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: Unfortunately, it's easy to lose control when emotions are running high. Any of us can become irrational if we feel criticized, threatened, provoked, overwhelmed or just misunderstood. These feelings may not be wrong in and of themselves, but they can be expressed in inappropriate ways.

Before getting involved in a "frank discussion" with your spouse, examine yourself to make sure that your heart and intentions are in the right place. If either of you is afraid that the argument will spin out of control, the openness and honesty required to make the discussion a success may be hopelessly squelched.

In most marriages, one spouse tends to be more confrontational in arguments while the other adopts a quieter, more passive method of nagging or blaming. Both approaches are destructive. Sober, straightforward honesty is the most effective policy.

Let me emphasize: Physical violence is NEVER okay. If you feel threatened, put distance between you and the person endangering you. Call the police if necessary. And remember, physical violence doesn't stop without intervention.

No matter how much you and your spouse love each other, and no matter how strongly you want to avoid hurting each other, there will be times when disagreements get heated. Whatever happens, make forgiveness your number one priority. This doesn't mean that you'll necessarily agree. It certainly doesn't imply that abuse should be ignored or excused. It does mean giving up your determination to get revenge. Ultimately, try to seek and achieve win-win outcomes.

If you need help putting these concepts into practice, don't hesitate to call our counselors at 855-771-HELP (4357).

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.

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Q: My husband recently passed away after a long battle with health issues. My entire identity had become wrapped up in caring for him. Now that the struggle is over, I feel empty and lost as well as grieved. I honestly don't know where to turn or what to do next.

Jim: My heart goes out to you. The death of any loved one is difficult, especially when the survivor has been the primary caregiver.

You can take a proactive approach to mourning -- but be gentle and patient with yourself and the process. While grief is never "fully done," there are some essential aspects of growing and becoming well again. Pace yourself and reach out for safe and helpful relationships. Caring people can help tremendously as you face four essentials in your journey:

1. Accept the reality of the loss. It's helpful to spend time with friends and loved ones openly talking about the deceased person or the circumstances surrounding the death.

2. Experience the pain of grief. The only way to overcome grief is to move with and through it daily as the feelings ebb and flow. Fully experiencing the pain -- often through tears or some form of expression -- provides genuine relief.

3. Adjust to an environment in which your loved one is missing. Much of your routine needs to be recalibrated now. If you don't have a pet, consider getting one. Spending time in nature, music, worship and regularly scheduled calls to close friends can be therapeutic in various ways.

4. Invest the emotional energy you have in healthy and life-giving relationships. The goal is not to forget your loved one; it's to reach the point where you can remember and honor without being squelched in your own living.

Again, the important thing is to allow yourself time and space to grieve and grow. I wish you the best.

Q: I struggle with being impatient with my children. How can I improve in this area?

Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: This is a common issue. In a recent study of 2,200 parents, 60% said they wish they had more patience, and 47% wished they were better at controlling their emotions and reactions. Yet in this same study, 91% said parenting is their greatest joy!

Our approach to parenting is generally driven either by (A) our empathy and desire to help our children manage their emotions and decisions, or (B) our own internal emotional turmoil: insecurity, pain, loneliness or difficulty managing stress.

Fatigue, stress and interpersonal conflict (with friends, coworkers or your spouse) can all deplete your patience throughout the day. One of the keys to addressing this problem is to prioritize unconditional love with your kids.

Unconditional love means putting your own "stuff" aside for a bit and being present with your child. Remember: the word "present" can also mean "gift." You're giving yourself as a gift to your child; they don't need to earn it from you. Try these three things to be present with your child:

1. Pause your own mind, take a deep breath and look into your child's eyes -- what do you see?

2. Take inventory of your life. What stresses and pressures are depleting your patience? What do you need to do to manage those things?

3. Ask questions to gather more information and truly understand what is going on in your child's life. Do you initially see your child as a nuisance or as a gift? That initial perspective makes a big difference!

Unconditional love helps you to build a strong foundation for a healthy parent-child relationship that can bring peace even amid chaos.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.