Q: My husband recently passed away after a long battle with health issues. My entire identity had become wrapped up in caring for him. Now that the struggle is over, I feel empty and lost as well as grieved. I honestly don't know where to turn or what to do next.

Jim: My heart goes out to you. The death of any loved one is difficult, especially when the survivor has been the primary caregiver.

You can take a proactive approach to mourning -- but be gentle and patient with yourself and the process. While grief is never "fully done," there are some essential aspects of growing and becoming well again. Pace yourself and reach out for safe and helpful relationships. Caring people can help tremendously as you face four essentials in your journey:

1. Accept the reality of the loss. It's helpful to spend time with friends and loved ones openly talking about the deceased person or the circumstances surrounding the death.

2. Experience the pain of grief. The only way to overcome grief is to move with and through it daily as the feelings ebb and flow. Fully experiencing the pain -- often through tears or some form of expression -- provides genuine relief.

3. Adjust to an environment in which your loved one is missing. Much of your routine needs to be recalibrated now. If you don't have a pet, consider getting one. Spending time in nature, music, worship and regularly scheduled calls to close friends can be therapeutic in various ways.

4. Invest the emotional energy you have in healthy and life-giving relationships. The goal is not to forget your loved one; it's to reach the point where you can remember and honor without being squelched in your own living.

Again, the important thing is to allow yourself time and space to grieve and grow. I wish you the best.

Q: I struggle with being impatient with my children. How can I improve in this area?

Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: This is a common issue. In a recent study of 2,200 parents, 60% said they wish they had more patience, and 47% wished they were better at controlling their emotions and reactions. Yet in this same study, 91% said parenting is their greatest joy!

Our approach to parenting is generally driven either by (A) our empathy and desire to help our children manage their emotions and decisions, or (B) our own internal emotional turmoil: insecurity, pain, loneliness or difficulty managing stress.

Fatigue, stress and interpersonal conflict (with friends, coworkers or your spouse) can all deplete your patience throughout the day. One of the keys to addressing this problem is to prioritize unconditional love with your kids.

Unconditional love means putting your own "stuff" aside for a bit and being present with your child. Remember: the word "present" can also mean "gift." You're giving yourself as a gift to your child; they don't need to earn it from you. Try these three things to be present with your child:

1. Pause your own mind, take a deep breath and look into your child's eyes -- what do you see?

2. Take inventory of your life. What stresses and pressures are depleting your patience? What do you need to do to manage those things?

3. Ask questions to gather more information and truly understand what is going on in your child's life. Do you initially see your child as a nuisance or as a gift? That initial perspective makes a big difference!

Unconditional love helps you to build a strong foundation for a healthy parent-child relationship that can bring peace even amid chaos.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.

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Q: I'm ashamed to say that I've done and said some hurtful things to my wife over the past couple of years. She's withdrawn from me emotionally, and I'm not sure how to convince her I've changed. How can I get her to forgive me?

Jim: Our own pride can often be the biggest hurdle in these situations -- so humbling yourself and acknowledging your failure is a huge step in the right direction. If you've confessed your faults to your wife and she's still having a hard time forgiving you, here are some things to bear in mind.

First, recognize that forgiveness is a process that involves emotion as well as deliberate choice. Perhaps your wife has made a rational decision to forgive you, but it may take some time for her heart to catch up with her head. This is especially true in cases of deep emotional hurt. You can't force this to happen -- and if you're impatient, it will only cause more pain.

However, that doesn't mean you can't take some proactive measures to help things along. Begin by demonstrating your trustworthiness, an understanding of how your actions have hurt her, and a willingness to fully accept the consequences. Show how you're actively taking steps to prevent the mistakes from occurring again.

Finally, pray for your wife -- and yourself. Ask God to show her your heart and heal hers. Throughout this process, make a special effort to be honest with yourself. It's easy to blame your spouse for failing to forgive when you're confident that your heart is genuinely remorseful. But there's a need for constant self-examination and correction.

It could be helpful (and advisable) to ask a professional therapist to walk you and your wife through the process. Our staff counselors are available by calling 855-771-HELP (4357).

Q: Valentine's Day has become SO commercial. I dread it, and I think my wife feels the same. We're both turned off by the implied pressure to match other people's Instagram-perfect romantic gestures. Do you think we should just skip it?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: It seems that a growing number of couples feel the commercialism surrounding Valentine's Day has actually reduced the romance. There's something to that; we're losing something if we think love isn't legitimately expressed if it doesn't take the form of decorative red boxes or enormous bouquets of picture-perfect roses.

I think the key is trying to recapture the substance of the holiday. Start by giving careful thought to what makes your spouse feel loved. Maybe the traditional store-bought ideas really are the way to their heart. Or perhaps they'd prefer a cozy night by the fireplace sipping hot chocolate. Valentine's Day is an opportunity to show your sweetheart how much they enrich your life -- and it's never wrong to celebrate that.

That said, it's also vitally important that we make an effort to inject that same passion into our marriage on a regular basis. Husbands and wives have the opportunity to create romance every day of the year. I know it's not easy -- we all have busy lives. But if we're intentional about it, there are countless ways we can express our devotion. Maybe it's a date night, a nice card or just a quick message during the day to say, "I love you and I'm thinking about you." I can almost guarantee that something along those lines will mean more to your spouse in July or September than it does on February 14th!

Whatever you do, the important thing is to be intentional, thoughtful and heartfelt. Keeping the spark alive requires effort every day -- and it's worth it.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.

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Q: Several years ago our daughter-in-law severed all contact with us, and we've had little contact since with our son or her. We've asked them many times to tell us how we've wronged them so we can make amends and maintain relationship, but there has been no response. What can we do?

Jim: My heart goes out to you. It could have been something you said or did -- real or imagined. It might be a problem with your daughter-in-law. It may be nothing more than an unfortunate misunderstanding. The important thing is to keep your hearts open and communicate your love as you're able.

Our counselors suggest four things you can do to preserve peace and sanity on your end and keep your conscience clear:

-- Honor the boundaries your son and his wife have set, no matter how harsh or unreasonable. If they've asked you not to call, don't call. If you cross these boundaries, you'll only reinforce their negative image of you.

-- Guard your own heart. It's easy to fall into anxiety or to beat yourself up and blame yourself for what has happened. Don't fall into that trap. Don't become bitter, and don't believe lies about your own worthiness. Do whatever it takes to stay emotionally healthy and keep yourself psychologically safe in spite of the circumstances.

-- If the situation allows for it -- and you know best if it does -- occasionally send your son and his wife a card with a brief message expressing your love and goodwill. It could be a couple of times a year, perhaps on birthdays and at Christmas. It's a small thing, but it will let them know that your hearts are still open toward them.

-- Keep praying.

Our counseling staff would be happy to provide a one-time free consultation if you'd like; call 855-771-HELP (4357).

Q: I want to help my child learn to have a more positive outlook. Do you have any advice?

Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: The most important factor is to model a positive outlook yourself. We've all seen cartoons where what's going on in a character's mind is portrayed in "thought bubbles." That's a great visual representation of what's actually happening inside each of our brains.

My own thought bubbles can get filled with negative stuff -- especially when I'm worried or anxious. Negative thoughts are common because our brains are poor at making predictions. Instead of making accurate forecasts including good outcomes, we often project our worries onto the future. One of our goals as parents is to manage our own thoughts and thus be effective models for our kids.

Here are three ways our thinking can mislead us, especially in times of stress, insecurity and fear:

1. Catastrophizing. We can easily become convinced that The Worst is going to happen. Seek accurate perspectives and fix your thoughts on the present ... not some vague, fearful future that likely won't happen.

2. Discounting the positive. Sometimes our filters screen out positive input. If someone compliments you on being a great parent, it might be easy to say, "Well, you don't see me every day." Don't deflect affirmation! Accept the positive.

3. Personalizing. You might assume circumstances are personal to you. For instance, when a friend fails to return a text, the immediate assumption might be discouraging. "Did I do something wrong?" We can train our brains to look at other possibilities: "My friends might be busy, or they might be spending time with their family right now." Don't assume everything is about you.

Thoughts are contagious. The better you become at corralling your own, the better you'll be able to model this for your children -- and you'll see the difference in their "thought bubbles."

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.

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