Q: I'm divorced, with joint custody of my daughter. When she came to my place last weekend, she told me that my ex-wife has been making some very critical and unkind statements about me. What's the wisest way to handle this situation?

Jim: First, you should try to ascertain whether your ex-wife really said those things. Kids are capable of exaggerating or even making up stories, especially if they have some kind of vested interest in pitting Mom and Dad against one another. So don't jump to conclusions yet. Your knowledge of your child's and your ex-wife's personalities is a good place to begin your assessment.

If you're convinced that inappropriate comments ARE being made, let your daughter know that you plan to discuss it directly with your former wife. This will give you a chance to communicate your motives for taking action and the way you plan to deal the problem. For example, you might say to your daughter: "You mentioned some negative things that your mother has said about me. I think it's important to our entire family that we put a stop to this kind of talk, so I'm going to speak to your mom and try to agree about what we will and will not say about each other. If we have issues with each other, I want to resolve them without bringing you into it."

Finally, contact your ex-wife and ask if she's willing to support such a plan. Whatever the response, you can still make up your mind not to retaliate by launching verbal counterattacks. This is not to say that you should "candy coat" your ex's flaws for the sake of your child. When you have legitimate concerns, you should voice them, but you should also do your best to maintain an attitude of respect. Hopefully your child will see that your actions speak louder than your ex-spouse's words.

Q: We just learned my husband has cancer, and we're devastated. We have the best possible medical care, so there's hope -- but what can we do to keep the disease from harming our marriage?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: My heart goes out to you. Medical crises easily become emotional and spiritual crises that can present a serious challenge to any marriage.

First, while you already know it intellectually, you need to remind yourselves constantly that everything IS going to be different now. So let go of your expectations. Your response as a couple will depend upon your willingness to set aside your earlier hopes and dreams and roll with the punches of your present circumstances. In other words, you both need to become -- and remain -- adaptable.

As you navigate these difficult waters, don't forget to count your blessings. Ask yourselves, "In the midst of all that's happened, what can we be truly grateful for?" If you look hard enough, you'll discover that there's always something. So make it your aim to find new ways of enjoying life and serving others together. You might be surprised how satisfying and therapeutic this can be to both of you.

Meanwhile, don't be afraid to reach out to others for help. Sometimes your need will be as simple as a meal or a listening ear. At other times you may need advice regarding medical or legal decisions. Ask a friend (or several) to help you network at church and in your community to locate useful resources.

If you think it might be helpful to speak with a licensed therapist, don't hesitate to give our counselors a call 855-771-HELP (4357). They can also provide you with a list of professionals practicing in your area. Again, I wish you the best.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: I recently became engaged. My fiancé is a fantastic person, but he has admitted that he has an addiction to pornography. I'm wondering whether this is a red flag -- and if so, how big. Do you think we should move forward in our relationship?

Jim: I'd strongly suggest you hit the brakes until your fiancé is ready to get serious about dealing with his problem. You both must understand that pornography is as physically addictive as any drug. The addiction is based on neurochemical changes that occur in the brain as a result of prolonged exposure to stimulating sexual imagery. Because of its neuron-chemical basis, it's tenacious, progressive and destructive in nature.

If you decide to marry this man, don't expect his addiction to go away on its own once you've said your wedding vows. In other words, don't assume that normal marital sexual relations will take the place of porn in his life. No living, breathing thinking woman can possibly fill that role without doing untold damage to herself as a person. That's because pornography addiction is not about sex. It's a symptom of an intimacy disorder -- a comprehensive psychological illness that compels an individual to avoid deep, meaningful interaction with a real human being and to replace it with impersonal sensual imagery. Marriage won't fix the problem; it will only complicate matters and increase your pain.

I can't emphasize enough that you both need to get professional counseling, and I urge you to do it together. The porn problem must be addressed before any further talk of marriage. If your fiancé sincerely wants to spend his life with you, he has a powerful motivation to make the necessary changes now. Once you've tied the knot, that motivation no longer exists in quite the same way. Our counselors are well-equipped to assist you both on the path to healing; call 855-771-HELP (4357).

Q: How can I get my kids to be grateful? It seems like they have no idea how much they have to be thankful for.

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: This can be difficult given the natural consumer mindset we all possess. But it's an important matter, as research has consistently shown that genuine, ongoing gratitude helps improve emotional, relational, mental and physical health while developing key social behaviors in children.

Sure, it takes work and attention -- but a few tweaks to our habits and attitudes can help our children cultivate thankfulness.

-- Model gratitude. Your children mirror what you do. Do you speak and act from a grateful mindset? Look at your circumstances through a "gratitude lens." When you do, simple things like household chores become opportunities to serve rather than inconveniences. Difficulties can become opportunities for growth.

-- Create a gratitude photo album. Take pictures of things you are grateful for throughout the year and put together a gratitude album. Have each family member share through photos the things he is (or can be) grateful for.

-- Make a gratitude poster board. For an entire year, challenge your family to think of one new thing each day that they are thankful for. Write it on a poster board in different colors. Family members can take turns contributing that day's focus of gratitude, with a different member of the family writing it down. Encourage them to be creative.

-- Go for a gratitude walk. Take time to walk and let your mind settle on things you're thankful for. Look around and simply appreciate what you see, experience or remember.

-- Gratefully acknowledge those who have influenced you. Who has taken time to invest in you? Who has encouraged you with words or actions? Take a moment to thank them with a note, text or phone call.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: Our 4-year-old daughter has a sweet personality and the whole extended family has been doting on her since she was born. She loves being the center of attention and "performs" on cue if given the opportunity. But now I'm wondering -- how can we make sure to not overindulge our cute little girl?

Jim: It's no wonder your daughter will "perform on cue." She's been receiving positive reinforcement for that behavior for as long as she can remember. So far, it's all fun for everyone. But the danger is that she'll grow up believing that her value as a person is based on her cuteness and her performance, not on her character.

You need to start helping her develop solid character traits while she's still small, impressionable and teachable. Our culture says that "cuteness," physical attractiveness, popularity, power and success are the important things in life. But we intuitively know better. The things that truly make a person of character are what the Bible calls the "Fruit of the Spirit" -- qualities such as love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

I suggest you make a conscious effort to praise your daughter whenever she displays these positive traits. You should also try to model these kinds of qualities for her and look for "teachable moments" to talk about the things that truly matter. It would also be a good idea to teach her how to serve others, whether that means caring for a neighbor's pet when they're on vacation or donating some of her toys to a local homeless shelter.

If you'd like to discuss these thoughts at greater length, I invite you to call our counselors at 855-771-HELP (4357). They'd be pleased to assist you in any way they can.

Q: Adam, I'm interested in your perspective about how COVID-19 has influenced the entertainment world, in both good ways and bad, and how that might impact parenting.

Adam Holz, Director, Plugged In: The coronavirus has scrambled everything about "normal" life. The entertainment industry is no exception. Many theaters never reopened at all after COVID-19 hit in March 2020. And that, combined with many more hours at home, has multiple implications for families' entertainment choices.

First, we're engaging with screens more than ever -- with screen use up as much as 50 percent since the coronavirus hit, according to some research. We're also watching newer streaming services, such as Disney+ and Apple TV+, which have joined the ranks of online content outlets such as Netflix, Amazon and Hulu. Other premium services such as HBO Max, CBS All Access and Peacock have leaped into the fray as well.

The overall result is a mixed bag for families. On the negative side, many of today's most popular streaming shows include graphic and explicit content. That makes understanding parental controls for these services more important than ever. On the flip side, many of these streaming services provide a whole host of family-friendly possibilities.

But there's the catch: Really knowing what's out there requires more intentionality and engagement on behalf of parents. Movie and TV show titles may be unfamiliar because the entertainment landscape is more fragmented than ever. And quite a few new movies streaming on these outlets aren't even rated.

So for families, the upside here is there are more positive viewing options, while the downside is more potential problems and unknowns to navigate as well. As always, Plugged In's reviews of movies and TV strive to give you everything you need to know about what's hot today in the world of entertainment (see www.PluggedIn.com). But nothing can replace a loving parent's thoughtful, discerning engagement when it comes to the things your tweens and teens are watching on their screens.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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