Q: My spouse and I are seriously considering adopting a child, but we haven't yet decided whether to make it an "open" or a "closed" arrangement. What would you recommend?

Jim: There are advantages and disadvantages to both closed and open adoption arrangements. On the one hand, open records may prove extremely helpful to the adopted child once he reaches adolescence and young adulthood. At that stage, he is likely to be grappling with questions about his own identity, origins and direction in life. Practical matters, such as having access to a child's family medical history, may be points to consider as well.

On the other hand, while open adoption may be advantageous in certain circumstances, some families have legitimate reasons of their own to be concerned about it. For example, although an open arrangement may be beneficial during the latter part of a child's growth and development, it can also be extremely harmful earlier on in those instances where the birth mother has unhealthy or unrealistic expectations. There is great potential for emotional damage to a young child who is establishing one parental relationship, while simultaneously being influenced and affected by the presence of another "mother" on the scene. A great deal of conflict and confusion can be avoided if the book is left closed until later in the child's life.

If an open relationship has been agreed to, it's critical that the birth parents understand and respect that the adoptive parents reserve all parental rights to do what they believe to be in the child's best interests.

For further insight into the pros and cons of this debate, I'd encourage you to get a copy of "Handbook on Thriving as an Adoptive Family: Real-Life Solutions to Common Challenges" by David and Renee Sanford.

Q: I've been burned too many times to count by films I thought would be worthwhile and positive for my children. It's to the point where I just want someone to tell me what to see and what not to see. I trust you and the reviews posted on your Plugged In website. But I don't always have time to read every individual review, much less preview everything I think may be appropriate. Where can I find a list of recommended films on your website?

Bob Waliszewski, Director, Plugged-In: First, thank you for your trust. That means a lot to us. It might be tempting to assume the role of the media police, who bark out, "Go see this one!" and "Don't watch that one!" But there are a number of reasons we prefer to explain the positives and negatives of each movie, rather than give the stereotypical thumbs up or down.

Chief among them is that we aspire to help every family member become discerning, or what I like to call "media savvy." That "virtue" can't be acquired by simply going off of someone else's judgment. It takes digging into the material with a deep desire to know where to draw the line and then passing along that skill to your children. So, please consider reading the reviews, and, when they're age-appropriate, have your children read our complete movie reviews whenever possible.

That said, years ago I wrote a piece for our blog that highlighted 30 of my then-favorite movies (pluggedin.focusonthefamily.com/a-few-of-my-favorite-things). In addition, our online web reviews can be sorted by our numeric family-friendly rating. This option allows you to search for all movies that we've given a 4, 4.5 or a perfect score. That can help in a pinch.

But again, our best recommendation is that you train your children on how to be discerning, rather than just take someone else's word for it.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Q: I love my son and daughter-in-law, but I'm worried about their 10-month-old daughter's health. The house is piled deep with trash, there's moldy food stuck to the carpet, and dirty diapers are left lying around everywhere. My granddaughter is constrained to an infant seat to keep her from getting into these messes even though she's old enough to start crawling. Should I express my concerns over these troubling health conditions?

Jim: In most cases it's best for grandparents to keep their advice to themselves until asked. But if the situation is as unhealthy as you've described, it may be time to intervene.

So what can you do? It might be a good idea to begin by enlisting the help of another adult -- preferably someone your son likes and respects -- who can join you in advocating for your granddaughter. Raise the subject gently but as straightforwardly as possible. Help your son and his wife see that this is more than just a question of personal preferences and different "styles" of housekeeping, but that they are, in fact, endangering the health and well-being of their child. Make yourself available to help with the cleanup and to offer assistance where needed.

If they won't listen, or if you don't see significant improvements within a reasonable amount of time, you may need to contact your county's agency of Family Services. Social workers will advise you on the various options available. Among other things, it's clear that your son and daughter-in-law need practical training in the fundamentals of child-care. Mandatory counseling may also be necessary, but this is something for skilled professionals to decide.

The important thing is for you, as a grandparent, to do everything you can to enlist the support and community services necessary to raise your son's family to a higher-functioning level.

Question: I've always tended to express myself in a wry, ironic way. It's all a joke, and I don't mean any harm by it. But I'm wondering if my sarcastic style of humor might be potentially damaging to my teens. What do you think?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: This can be a complicated subject, but on the whole parents need to be careful about the way they use sarcasm. This is especially important when dealing with teenagers. There are two major problems related to teens and parental sarcasm.

First, sarcasm can hurt feelings, and words uttered in a "humorous moment" can cause ongoing pain later. You don't necessarily need to place an all-out moratorium on playful sarcasm, but there should be boundaries. Give your children the right to tell you when it bothers them.

The second pitfall is more subtle. Sarcasm can mask sensitive or vulnerable feelings. Imagine a father watching his lovely 16-year-old daughter come downstairs. He might say, "Honey, you look beautiful tonight." Or, if he tends to be sarcastic, he might quip, "Man, you were such an ugly little girl! What happened?" Same underlying point, but one is obviously much more complimentary than the other.

One last point: As parents we need to remember that we reap what we sow. You may call your "style" of humor sarcastic, but when the tables are turned and it comes back at you from your teen, you'll probably call it "disrespectful." It never hurts to say what you mean and mean what you say.

After all, a teen's world is tough enough. They probably get plenty of barbs and arrows at school or on the playing field. Home should be a refuge from that kind of treatment -- a safe haven from hurt and a filling station for high-octane edification.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Q: My husband and I were married this past spring. We had a great summer and especially enjoyed doing things together during the weekend. Then came fall -- and with it college football season. I knew my husband was a fan, but now that we're married I'd prefer to be spending Saturdays doing things together that we're both interested in, rather than waiting around while he's watching his alma mater on TV. Is this situation something I should be worried about?

Jim: Couples often get married thinking the secret to marital bliss is having the exact same interests. It doesn't take long for them to discover -- like we all do -- that we're rarely just like our spouse. The good news is we don't have to be. Successful marriages aren't the result of perfect chemistry. They're built, in part, by learning how to bring our separateness together.

A local couple, Ted and Cindy, are a good example of this. They like to fish together nearly every weekend in the summer. Well, actually, Ted likes to fish. Cindy doesn't really care for it, but she loves to read and loves the Colorado outdoors. So on Saturday mornings, they drive into the Rocky Mountains, and he fly fishes while she sits on the bank and enjoys a book. They have a picnic together. They laugh. They talk. They enrich their marriage. But their deeper connection doesn't come about by forcing their individual interests onto each other. It comes from bringing their "separateness" together.

Differences can strengthen a couple's bond rather than weaken it. But it takes patience and a willingness to embrace your spouse's unique view of life. If you both will do that, you'll discover a deeper intimacy with one another than you ever thought possible.

Question: Can you suggest ways my spouse and I might use social media to encourage each other and strengthen our marriage?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: Author Neil Postman says that "every technology is both a burden and a blessing; not either-or, but this-and-that." This is certainly true where online social networking is concerned. When used with wisdom and discernment, it can be an effective tool for strengthening marriages. Here are some suggestions how this idea might play out in practical terms:

-- Connectivity. Social media serve marriages best when used to maintain a healthy connection between spouses. A husband or wife on a business trip can use Facebook to share new experiences with the entire family and to give them a sense of participating in the journey. It's also a good way to hold yourself accountable by keeping family members posted on your activities and whereabouts.

-- Enhancing relationships. Some research suggests that social media, when used appropriately, can actually add intensity and immediacy to face-to-face relationships. When used as a supplement to rather than a replacement for flesh-and-blood contact with another human being, online communication can add new layers of intimacy and understanding to our interactions with those we love.

-- Walking in the light. Husbands and wives who connect with old friends via Facebook may sometimes have unprecedented opportunities to enter into the details of one another's personal histories. This can be tricky. It might become a source of tension, suspicion or jealousy if one of the partners' old high school flames decides to put in a "friend" request. But such developments can be beneficial if they have the effect of eliminating secrets and shining a light on the past.

-- Community. The healthiest marriages are those linked into a strong support group. Couples need other couples, and social media can be an effective tool for networking, discovering common interests with friends, organizing events and coordinating get-togethers.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.