parenting

Be Cautious About Revealing Too Much of Your Youth to Kids

Focus on the Family by by Jim Daly
by Jim Daly
Focus on the Family | November 16th, 2014

Q: How much do my children need to know about my past? Is there any reason to be completely open with them about the moral failings of my youth?

Jim: This is a common, but important, question. Our counselors generally believe that "less is more" in these cases. But the most important consideration should always be, "What's in the best interest of your child"?

Truthfulness and transparency are critical, but the detail of any confession should be guided by several factors. Age and maturity are important considerations, as is your child's motivation. Is he requesting that you reveal personal information -- as in, "Did you do drugs or have sex when you were in high school?" If not, you need to question whether there's any good reason to volunteer this. If he's trying to elicit facts about your past history, how is your narrative likely to be used? If it's a case of a rebellious teen stockpiling ammunition to be used against the authority figures in his life, you should proceed with caution.

On the other hand, if he's sincerely reaching out for empathy and guidance in the midst of a personal battle with temptation, it might help to reveal some of your own human weaknesses. This can be an unparalleled teaching opportunity to share valuable wisdom drawn from real-life experience. This is the time to say -- with humility -- "I fell into that trap when I was young, and here's why I don't want to see you make the same mistake."

In bringing your personal failings out into the open, you can show a struggling teen exactly what it means to correct course and, through faith, redeem the errors of the past. This can add credibility to your warnings and positively impact your child's future in ways you can't possibly predict.

Question: My wife is naturally beautiful. But when we go out, she wears too much makeup and hides her innate beauty. I've tried to drop subtle hints that she's prettier with less, but she's not getting it. Do you think I should keep my mouth shut or be more direct?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: You'd be wise to tread lightly here. Matters of appearance are highly personal decisions for both men and women and are closely tied to our sense of identity. And while honesty is essential in a marriage, so is respecting boundaries, and the feelings and preferences of your mate.

When dealing with delicate issues, it's important to first determine what the real issue is. In your case, it means you need to carefully examine your motives. Is the energy here about your own preferences or how your wife's appearance makes you feel? Are you truly seeking her best interest and trying to encourage her in how she feels about herself, or helping her understand how others may be misperceiving her?

If you conclude that this is just about you, then I'd strongly recommend you keep your opinions to yourself unless your wife asks for or invites them. This doesn't mean that you can't make your preferences known. But that should be limited to expressing appreciation for those things about her appearance that you delight in.

On the other hand, if she's shared with you some doubts or insecurity about her clothes or makeup, you might gently offer some suggestions along with affirming the things she already does that you find attractive. You may even want to offer to fund a session with a beauty consultant as your gift to her if you think she'd be receptive. Bottom line: value and guard the beauty of her heart above all else.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

parenting

Tips on Handling an Economic Downturn

Focus on the Family by by Jim Daly
by Jim Daly
Focus on the Family | November 9th, 2014

Q: I recently read an article suggesting another economic recession may be looming. What's the wisest way to handle my finances during a period of economic uncertainty?

Jim: Your question is important and deserves the best possible answer. My friend and trusted financial expert Ron Blue offers the following:

Since inflation is an important element of any recession, it's critical to guard against four popular myths that are centered on this factor. They contain just enough truth to make them believable, but a closer look reveals why it's unwise to let them influence your financial habits.

-- Myth No. 1: Buy now because it will cost more later. The cost of computers and electronic equipment demonstrates that prices don't always rise. The question is not what something costs now versus the future, but whether you really need it.

-- Myth No. 2: Always borrow to buy. Two elements of truth support this myth: 1) "payment" dollars are cheaper than "borrowed" dollars; 2) interest deductibility reduces the interest cost on some loans. Unfortunately, it's also based on two highly questionable assumptions: 1) that the interest rate is less than the inflation rate and 2) that the cash that could be used for the purchase is earning more than the cost of borrowing.

-- Myth No. 3: You can never accumulate enough. Inflation often makes us feel like prices are increasing faster than our savings earn interest. However, if you spend less than you earn, over time the earning power of your money will always be greater than the inflation rate.

-- Myth No. 4: The rate of inflation is standard for everyone. This isn't necessarily so. If you plan to have a cash flow margin by living within a simple, workable budget, your personal rate of inflation will be substantially lower than the nationally reported rate.

While economic downturns are unavoidable, you can minimize their effects: Spend less than you earn, reduce your debt and build personal liquidity through savings and investments.

Q: My 13-year-old daughter is obsessed with a certain 23-year-old recording artist. Her room is plastered with his posters, she has four shirts with his picture on them, and she follows him on Twitter -- not to mention downloading every note he sings on iTunes. She isn't stalking him yet, but it's getting creepy. When does fandom become unhealthy, and how can I keep her from crossing the line?

Bob Waliszewski, Director, Plugged-In: Your daughter's behavior is nothing new. Whether it was Elvis, the Beatles, Justin Timberlake or others in between, adoring fans have screamed and fainted at concerts, memorized every song and displayed their affections in the weirdest of ways. Chances are it's a phase she'll grow out of.

That said, it's still important to have regular conversations with your daughter to affirm your values and keep her grounded. Part of this involves staying plugged into her world. If you haven't yet, listen to this artist's songs and watch his videos on YouTube. Also, Google news stories to stay abreast of his recent activities. Has he had run-ins with the law? Does he have a reputation for being a partier or womanizer?

Key to your conversations is to have them in a natural or relaxed setting -- perhaps as part of a one-on-one activity your daughter enjoys. Begin by asking about and then listening to what she has to say about this musician, and then follow up with your own observations. Be sure to applaud the positives, as well as share any concerns you may have uncovered. Then, allow her to react and respond. Your goal for her as part of this back and forth is to develop and exercise discernment that will influence not only her entertainment choices, but decisions in every area of life.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

parenting

Marriage May Not Be Right Answer for Expectant Couple

Focus on the Family by by Jim Daly
by Jim Daly
Focus on the Family | November 2nd, 2014

Q: Should I marry my pregnant girlfriend? Our relationship has always been one of convenience, and neither of us considered it permanent. She intends to raise the baby, and I want to do my part. But my girlfriend has some significant life issues, and we'd face huge obstacles if we married.

Jim: First, let me commend you for accepting responsibility for the choices you've made -- including life for your baby. However, marriage shouldn't be seen as a "quick fix." There are many things that need to occur and questions that need to be answered.

First, sit down together and work though the practical implications of pregnancy. Once you've talked this out, it might be appropriate to broach the subject of marriage. There's a long list of things you should consider, such as emotional maturity and stability, shared values and spiritual commitment, the support of your families and adequate financial resources.

If these issues would make it difficult for either of you to commit to a lifelong relationship, I'd suggest you put aside thoughts of marriage for the time being and think about how you can financially support your child and stay engaged as a dad. On the other hand, if the building blocks for a strong marriage are in place, I'd encourage you to consider premarital counseling with a qualified marriage counselor.

Keep in mind, too, that marriage isn't the only way to provide for your child's future. A plan for adoption may be in everyone's best interest. You might want to talk to a local pregnancy resource center about this option.

Responsibility doesn't come without sacrifice -- whichever path you both believe to be wisest going forward. But it's important that you consider how your decisions will affect this new life. If Focus on the Family can help you through the process, please call us at 1-800-A-FAMILY.

Q: My mother-in-law is a lifelong hypochondriac. The doctors have told her she's fine, and most refuse to see her anymore. She's driven my husband's family crazy for years, and now it's affecting our relationship. My husband says we should just ignore her behavior, but when we do, she gets upset and calls continuously. I feel like my husband needs to confront her, but he's afraid to rock the boat. What should we do?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: This isn't an easy situation. The frustrations and challenges you're facing are very real. Unfortunately, hypochondriasis is more than just an annoying behavior. It's a legitimate anxiety disorder that requires professional treatment. If this course hasn't yet been pursued, I'd encourage your husband and his family to explore this option.

While you can't guarantee changes in your mother-in-law's behavior, you do need to address the challenges it presents to your marriage. It's critical that you and your husband approach this as a team and not just something he needs to fix. Begin by determining what you both really need and want. For you, it's a limit on unhealthy communication with your mother-in-law. Your husband probably has the same desire, but also wants to preserve the relationship with his mom. He may fear that imposing any restriction on interactions with her will threaten that -- especially since his mother may have instilled feelings of guilt at a young age about him "not being supportive."

Once you've both identified your core needs, devise and implement a solution that accommodates them. As difficult as it might be, establishing some firm boundaries with her should be a part of your plan. For direction on how to navigate this road, I recommend getting a copy of "Boundaries," by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. Our licensed counselors would also be happy to help.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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