Q: My parents both passed away within the past year. My three siblings and I have always been pretty close, but losing our mom and dad has put a lot of stress on the relationships. I hate to say it, but much of the arguing is about money and dividing up their estate. It just adds to the grief of losing them. How do we get past this?

Juli: In the wake of losing both of your parents, it is so sad that you also find yourself in conflict with your siblings. Unfortunately, those who work with wills and estate planning will tell you that you and your siblings are not alone in your experience. Money and the desire to own things that were important to your parents can create tremendous feelings of anger and jealousy. It can resurrect old wounds like, "You were always their favorite," or, "I sacrificed so much to take care of them, so I deserve more."

As you strive for a peaceful resolution to this conflict with your siblings, here are a few things that can help:

First, keep conversations just between you and your siblings. Once in-laws and grandchildren get involved, the dynamics become only more complicated. This is your family, so any disagreement should be handled among the four of you and perhaps a neutral mediator.

Second, make sure that you and your siblings are taking time to grieve. Your sadness and loss can be channeled into irrational anger and conflict if you do not process it.

Finally, honor the memory of your parents. Imagine if they were watching you and your siblings argue over the things they left on this Earth. They'd be heartbroken. More than material wealth, a good parent wants to leave a legacy of love. Honor that legacy by refusing to treat each other unkindly.

Q: I think I'm in love with a man who works in my office. I know many people consider it unprofessional to date a co-worker, and I'm not entirely certain about his feelings for me. I don't want to place him or myself in an awkward position. What are your thoughts?

Jim: As you probably know, many office romances end in disaster. Typically, a couple begins dating, the relationship doesn't work out, and they break up. If there are hard feelings, the work environment can become a nightmare not only for the former couple but also for their co-workers. Many companies have "non-fraternization" policies for this very reason.

On the other hand, not all office romances are doomed, especially when they involve two mature and discerning individuals. They can even lead to wonderful marriages. A great deal depends on the nature of your working relationship.

It's highly inadvisable to date a supervisor or someone who is underneath you in the chain of command. The fallout of a breakup will be a lot less complicated if you're peers at the same job-grade level. Ideally, your co-worker will be located in another department or someplace where you won't have to interact with him every day if the relationship goes sour.

If your co-worker hasn't openly expressed romantic interest, beware of reading too much into the fact that you have nice conversations with him or feel a sense of chemistry. Take your time and get to know him before you allow your emotions to run away with you. Watch him on the job and in his interactions with fellow employees. Ask yourself if he displays the character that you desire in a dating and marriage partner. If his feelings for you are something more than merely cordial, you'll know soon enough.

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Q: I'm dating a man who is five years younger than I am. He's very mature and seems to have a grasp on where he's going in life. I believe he's more mature than some men in their 30s. I'm reluctant to get too involved because of his age. Should I continue to pursue our relationship, or will his age be an issue as we get older?

Juli: As you get older, an age difference like the five years between you becomes less and less important. As you mentioned, maturity is far more critical than age. Maturity is gained not just by how long a person has lived, but by their experiences, character and upbringing. There are certainly some 20-year-old men who are more mature than 30-year-olds.

As your relationship progresses, take your time to evaluate whether or not this younger man has true maturity. Here are a few ways to identify this:

-- Integrity. Is he a person of his word on little things and big things? Is he trustworthy?

-- Responsibility. This means more than just showing up for work on time. It means the willingness to take responsibility for his own choices and actions rather than blaming others or avoiding consequences.

-- Delayed gratification. Is he willing to experience discomfort today so that he can have a greater future benefit? For example, does he resist buying something on credit so that he doesn't go into debt?

-- Willingness to grow. One of the most important characteristics of the person you marry is whether or not he's open to learning and changing. When confronted with a shortcoming, is he defensive or does he want to know how to improve?

One more note as you evaluate the maturity of this younger man: Remember to keep striving toward maturity in your own character!

Q: My husband recently returned from a two-year deployment, and he's a different person. He's verbally abusive toward me and our kids, and there have even been threats of physical violence. He's likely suffering from PTSD, but I'm nervous to suggest that he seek help.

Jim: I'm sorry to learn of your difficult situation. Unfortunately, mental health professionals report that many combat veterans return home and find it difficult to share their emotional pain, assuming that only those who've actually engaged in combat can understand their internal struggles. They bury their emotions inside, and sometimes those feelings rise to the surface in the form of domestic abuse.

To put it bluntly, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) may explain your husband's behavior, but it does not excuse it -- especially when the emotional and physical safety of your family may be at stake. It's vital that your husband receive professional help as soon as possible. According to our counseling team at Focus on the Family, abusive behavior isn't the only potential problem associated with PTSD. Deep psychological pain can express itself in the shape of flashbacks, nightmares, and physical or psychosomatic symptoms. It's possible that some of the issues he's dealing with can be effectively treated with medication.

Where your own safety is concerned, you need to be prepared to take decisive action. If your husband becomes physically violent, call 911. If it's a question of emotional oppression and verbal put-downs, let him know that this behavior is unacceptable and insist that he seek professional assistance. If he refuses, or if you're afraid of jeopardizing his career by reporting him, find out what options are available to servicemen in his situation. Because PTSD is so prevalent, the military is now providing private, confidential counseling for those struggling with the fallout of combat service.

(Submit your questions to: ask@* HYPERLINK "http://www.FocusOnTheFamily.com" **FocusOnTheFamily.com*)

Q: My daughter listens to a lot of music, but we're constantly fighting over what's appropriate. I recently told her she can't download songs tagged as "explicit" or buy CDs with a parental advisory logo. Is this an acceptable compromise?

Jim: We've come a long way from the days when Elvis' gyrating hips were a scandal. Unfortunately, relying on the "parental advisory" logo or downloading only "clean," edited versions of songs is not a sufficient approach to shielding your daughter from offensive material. Why? Because the criteria for editing music is completely arbitrary and voluntary on the part of the artists and record labels. There's no way of knowing whether an "edited" album will truly be sanitized to your standards.

Bob Waliszewski, director of Focus on the Family's Plugged In website, provides a stark example of this in his book, "Plugged In Parenting."

"It's not uncommon for 'censors' to preserve a deeply objectionable theme while excluding something relatively minor," he says. "Here's an example from the 'clean' version of rapper DMX's album 'It's Dark and Hell Is Hot': 'I'm coming in the house and I'm gunnin' for your spouse/ Trying to send the (bleep) back to her maker/And if you got a daughter older than 15, I'ma (gonna) rape her.'"

Bob notes that the word "b----" was bleeped, while the references to guns and child rape remained. He mentions another song in which the word "marijuana" is bleeped but "acid" is not. Again, there's no consistency to how songs are edited, and even if certain words or phrases get axed, the harmful themes remain.

Rather than relying on record companies to haphazardly bleep swear words, a more comprehensive approach would be to help your daughter learn to discern for herself which songs are worthy of her money and attention. For more on media discernment, start with our website at www.pluggedin.com, or track down a copy of Bob's book.

Q: My husband and I are experiencing marital problems due to the way we parent our children. He's very harsh when talking to them and disciplining them. He has not maintained a good relationship with them because of the way he corrects them. How I can better communicate with my husband, and how we can we come to an agreement on discipline in the home?

Juli: Parenting is a monumental task, so very few couples agree on exactly how to accomplish it. Being on the same page with your husband is very important. Even if you disagree behind closed doors, your kids need to know that the two of you are a team. Here are some ways to help make that happen.

First, be willing to admit that you might not have it right. Yes, your husband is harsh with the kids, but he also probably brings parenting strengths that you lack. For example, you might be too lenient or inconsistent in discipline. Your husband will be much more willing to listen to your input if you can to admit to him where you need his help.

Second, identify what you already agree on as a parenting team. While you might have different philosophies of how you discipline, you probably have a lot of points of agreement, like what character traits you would like to see your children develop.

Finally, let someone else be the expert. Both of you have things to learn about parenting, so become students together. You can do this by reading a parenting book, attending a class at your church or community center, or by listening to parenting experts on radio shows or podcasts like Focus on the Family.

(Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com)