Q: My daughter will be getting married this summer. The family of the groom participates in social drinking. Our side of the family does not drink alcohol. What would be the appropriate way to handle this situation? Should there be alcohol allowed or not?

Juli: The issue about whether or not to allow alcohol is a relatively minor one. Your daughter's wedding is one event -- the details of what was served will soon be forgotten. The symbolism of how you handle the situation is far more significant.

Your daughter and future son-in-law are building a brand-new family. Decisions like the one you are facing will be important in how that new foundation is established. They symbolize unspoken issues like, "Whose family will be more respected?" and "Whose values will the new couple choose to model their family after?" With this in mind, here's what I would advise:

Involve your daughter and her fiance in the decision. It's their day. It's about them. They are stuck in the middle wanting to honor both sets of parents. Respect them for that desire and honor them as they wrestle through the issue.

Second, consider a compromise. Serving alcohol doesn't mean that you have to drink it or that drinking has to get out of hand. Perhaps serve only wine during the reception.

Whatever you decide, remember that you are supporting a new marriage, not just planning a wedding. Do everything you can to graciously welcome your husband and his family into your own.

Q: My granddaughter is the offspring of an interracial marriage -- her mother is black, her father white. Her parents have now divorced and her dad is no longer in the picture. She often struggles with issues of her "color." What can I do to help her?

Jim: In the first place, don't be afraid to talk about race with her. There's no reason to cover this topic in a shroud of silence and shame. She needs to know that it's OK to be herself, just exactly as she is.

You and the girl's mother should both communicate openly with her about her "color"-related feelings and experiences. Try to understand her situation from her point of view. Ask open-ended questions like, "Tell me what you like or don't like about the way you look" or "Describe a time when you felt different from the other kids in class."

Also, help her meet other kids from ethnically diverse backgrounds when possible. And make an effort to expose her to books, TV shows, dolls, games and artwork that feature multicultural characters and themes. This will help supply her with the positive role models she so desperately needs. It's important for her to see examples of talented, successful and happy people who, like her, come from racially mixed backgrounds. Regardless of what you feel about his politics, President Barack Obama is a shining example of an individual from a racially mixed background who has risen to power and prominence.

Finally, be sure to teach her about the many other kinds of distinctions and likenesses that exist among human beings. People are similar and different in a variety of ways -- race isn't the only distinguishing element. Below the surface, people all have similar needs and feelings. Everybody wants to be loved and accepted. Looks aside, help your granddaughter understand that she is also very much like the kids around her. Race is only one small part of who she is. It's not the defining factor.

(Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com)

Q: I'm struggling with knowing if a guy is a "good guy" or not. My family says I'm too picky when it comes to dating. Can you tell me the qualities I should be looking for in a man?

Juli: There are two sides to this question. Marriage is a lifelong commitment, and you should consider very carefully the man you want to share your life with. On the other hand, many young men and women never commit to marriage because they are looking for the perfect "soul mate." If you believe you've found the perfect guy, look again, because he doesn't exist.

The question you asked about what "qualities" to look for is right on. There are some qualities that are essential to building a strong marriage. Here's my list:

-- A teachable spirit. You want to marry a man who is willing to grow. How does he respond to feedback? Is he defensive or does he want to learn? Is he honest about his struggles?

-- A shared faith. There are many things in marriage that can be solved by compromise. Faith is not one of them. Your faith and beliefs define how you view morality, children, forgiveness and the purpose of life.

-- Integrity. Marriage is built on trust. You only want to marry a man who is trustworthy and who understands the value of honesty and keeping his word.

-- Kindness. Marriage is the most vulnerable relationship in the world. In the crucible of sharing life together, you want a man who cares about protecting and guarding your feelings. As a young man, he may not always be perfectly sensitive, but does he display a kind heart to you and to others?

As you look for "husband material," remember to also work toward becoming a potential wife. Cultivate your own teachable spirit, grow in your faith, and become a woman of integrity and kindness!

Q: In the early days of our marriage, my husband was kind and thoughtful, but recently he's become verbally and physically abusive and has actually hit me on several occasions. Can anything be done to save our relationship?

Jim: My heart goes out to you at this terrible news. No man has the right to hit his wife. No wife deserves to receive this kind of treatment at the hands of a man who promised to love and cherish her. Physical abuse is a criminal offense. I implore you to seek the help of a pastor, social worker or women's shelter. If the violence continues, it may be necessary to call 911 or to remove yourself from the situation. Once you've put some distance between yourself and the threat of further harm, you can begin to move in the direction of possibly saving your marriage.

Your first priority is to listen to your instincts for self-preservation. Let your husband know that you want the marriage to work, but that you're no longer willing to endure mistreatment and abuse. He needs to understand that you cannot move forward in this relationship until the two of you have sought professional help together. If he's unwilling to do that, see a counselor on your own. In some situations, individual counseling may be advisable for a period of time before beginning the process of joint counseling.

Please contact Focus on the Family (focusonthefamily.com) to speak with a member of our counseling team, and to get a referral to a certified counselor in your area who can help you on a long-term basis. May God grant you grace and strength as you face this difficult situation.

(Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com)

Q: My teenage daughter wasn't asked to the prom, and she's devastated. As a father, what can I do to encourage her?

Jim: First of all, try to avoid making a big issue of her disappointment. Prom night is one of the most overhyped experiences of adolescence. Your daughter's friends, the media and the prevailing culture have all told her that she's missing out on the biggest evening of her life, and it probably won't do much good to try to convince her otherwise. But it's just as unhelpful to say or do anything that might foster or prolong her melancholy mood.

That's not to say that you should ignore or make light of her feelings. The emotions she's going through are very real, and they have nothing to do with the intrinsic value of the prom. They're primarily related to her sense of self-worth. So be sensitive. Don't try to apply a quick-fix solution. Give her time to be sad and withdrawn. Back off if you get the impression that she's unwilling to discuss the matter.

When she does come to the point of opening up, take time to listen. Reaffirm her as a person, reinforce the importance of character as opposed to mere popularity and social standing, and remind her that she will have something to offer a fortunate young man when the time is right. And as opportunities arise, help her gain a more realistic view of events like the prom.

On a more practical level, you might consider recommending an alternate activity for the evening. If some of her friends are free, host a movie night. If everybody else is at the prom, propose a "Dad date" at a location of her choosing. If she decides to stay home, encourage her to call a friend far away (and don't worry about the minutes). And whatever you do, take pains to reassure her of your love.

Q: Our 7-year-old is negative all the time. He's the youngest of four boys, and we always try to encourage him and build up his self-esteem. Nothing seems to be enough. How can we help him to be more positive?

Juli: Helping your son become more positive may have less to do with making him feel better about himself and more to do with how he interacts with the rest of the world. The positive–thinking, self-esteem movement has shown, in many cases, to be doing more harm than good for kids. Building a child's self-esteem only through encouragement can feel like blowing up a balloon that has a hole in it. No matter how much air you put in, it will still leak out.

Try getting your son involved in helping and encouraging others through a family mission trip or volunteering at a local nonprofit organization. This will do two things that build genuine self-esteem and self-respect: instill gratitude and show him that he can make a difference.

When your son sees others who have difficulties greater than his own, it will help him realize how much he has to be grateful for. Meeting people who live with much less than he does is far more powerful than words that encourage gratefulness. You can't really complain about having brown eyes when you meet someone who is blind.

Your son will also see that his efforts to help others are a unique contribution to the world. You won't have to persuade him that he is talented or smart. Seeing that he's helped someone less fortunate will be enough to convince him that his life can make a difference.

(Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com)