QUESTION: I keep a separate bank account for personal use -- nothing nefarious or illegal, just the occasional impulse purchase. Here's the thing, though: my wife doesn't know about the account. Should I 'fess up?

JIM: Absolutely, positively, you should tell your wife! The concern is not so much that you're spending money outside the family budget (although that's certainly a consideration), but the damage that this sort of secrecy can do to your marriage.

Others have fallen into the same trap. In an online survey by Forbes and the National Endowment for Financial Education, about one in three Americans admitted lying to their spouse about money, and another third said they were the ones who'd been deceived.

This "financial infidelity" took on many forms. The leading offenders either hid cash from their spouses, or covered up minor purchases and bills. But a significant number also said they hid major purchases, lied about their debt or earnings, and, yes, kept secret bank accounts.

Among those affected, 67 percent said the deception led to an argument, and 42 percent said it caused less trust in the relationship. More than a quarter said lies about money led to either a divorce or a separation.

Don't let this happen to you. Your wife will likely be hurt when you tell her, but your honest confession might make the revelation less painful than if she were to "catch you in the act," which would inevitably happen at some point. I implore you to see a pastor or marriage counselor and work through this issue together. It's better to get things out in the open now rather than let the deception continue. Honesty and trust are the foundation of a healthy marriage.

QUESTION: How much should I tell my fiance about my past? I realize that honesty and transparency are important in any relationship, but there are times when it can be harmful to "let it all hang out." I don't want to keep secrets, but neither do I want to cause hurt or damage. Where do I draw the line?

JULI: You're absolutely right that there is danger in erring by both keeping secrets and telling too much detail. I'm glad you're asking this question while you're engaged, before making a lifetime commitment to each other. While dating, people naturally present the best of themselves. They talk about their victories and put their best foot forward. In the intimacy of marriage, however, everything will be revealed. All of your weaknesses and insecurities will be uncovered. Even if you never speak of them, wounds and choices from your past will impact your marriage. This unhindered intimacy is what makes marriage so great and so threatening at the same time. Your engagement is the "in-between" period. It's the time to reveal significant things from your past and aspects of your personality that you may not let most people see.

Your fiance should know about things like your financial situation, any sexual relationships from your past, abusive relationships and addictions you may struggle with. These can present some very scary conversations, wondering how he will respond. It may feel like you're taking a step backward, but it's actually a giant step toward true intimacy. Your fiance's response will show you a lot about his character and willingness to embrace all of you within the intimacy of marriage.

There's a limit, however, to how much you share. The goal of sharing is to build trust. It takes discernment to know which details will build a foundation of trust, and which will erode it. Your fiance may even ask for details that would be hurtful for him to know in the future. As you wade through these difficult waters, I highly recommend premarital counseling to help you develop that solid foundation of authenticity and love.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.

QUESTION: Our son just got married, and while he and his wife obviously love each other, I'm worried about their long-term prospects. He travels a lot, and there are so many temptations out there. How can I help him avoid the same terrible mistakes I made as a younger man?

JIM: At Focus on the Family we hear from many hurting people whose homes have been destroyed by infidelity. However, no matter how great the temptations out there, your son needs to know that disasters like this (BEGIN ITALS)can(END ITALS) be avoided.

You can encourage him in that regard, but it's a battle he must fight himself. Marriage counselor David Sanford has noted that nobody wakes up one day and suddenly decides to have an affair. Infidelity takes root in the heart and mind long before the physical act.

The opposite is also true. Marital fidelity starts well before marriage. It begins as a promise we make to ourselves -- to be a person of character. Being faithful is a lifelong commitment. It means seeking the best for your spouse and your family on a daily basis, at home or on the road.

Dr. Sanford has outlined several steps to help strengthen marital fidelity. These include affirming and listening to your spouse, seeking to meet her needs, and setting healthy boundaries for relationships outside the home. Hopefully your son is doing these things.

On the other hand, marital fidelity weakens when you devalue or avoid your spouse, instead focusing on yourself. It might start when a husband looks at pornography online, or when a wife gets too close emotionally to a male co-worker. But it always ends in heartache.

Even for those who have broken the bonds of marital trust, there is hope for healing and restoration. But the path is long and painful. It's so much better not to start down it in the first place.

QUESTION: Because of the downturn of the economy, I've found myself the primary breadwinner in our family. I grew up in a very traditional home, so this is an unknown for me. I can already tell it's causing friction with my husband. What do I do?

JULI: The Pew Research Center reported that in 2007 approximately 22 percent of wives earned more than her husband, so you're not alone. While there's nothing morally wrong with a wife being the primary breadwinner, it does present some unique marriage challenges. These difficulties are not often discussed because they represent traditional ideas that are not considered "PC." Politically correct or not, the problems are real.

Regardless of who earns more money, the fundamental needs of men and women in marriage haven't changed. A man needs to feel like a competent contributor and protector of his family. For the past several generations, the fundamental way men have measured their role as husband and father is how they provide financially. When he's unemployed, or his wife outearns him, a husband's confidence can take a big hit.

One of a wife's primary needs in marriage is to feel protected by her husband. This is echoed in the storybook romances of knights in shining armor rescuing damsels in distress. Although you may not feel like you (BEGIN ITALS)need(END ITALS) rescuing, your heart probably longs to rest in your husband's strength.

When a woman outearns her husband, these primary needs can easily go unmet. He feels useless, and she starts to resent having to carry the whole load. If by choice or necessity you continue to be the breadwinner, I recommend that you address these issues with your husband, perhaps with the help of a counselor. Making sure that both of your emotional needs are met will determine the health of your marriage.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.

QUESTION: I often hear about the importance of boosting a child's self-esteem. But how can I accomplish that with my son without making him self-absorbed or self-centered?

JIM: Instilling a sense of self-esteem in children is a critical task for parents. And you're right -- there's a big difference between healthy self-esteem and destructive selfishness. Like you, many moms and dads find themselves asking how to find the right balance.

Dr. Kevin Leman, a frequent Focus on the Family broadcast guest, suggests that parents can cultivate healthy self-esteem in their kids by learning "the A-B-Cs."

The letter A stands for acceptance. We might not always approve of our children's choices or behavior, but we always need to let them know that we love and accept them unconditionally. In other words, you can tell your son that playing video games for six hours a day is unacceptable. But don't give him the impression that (BEGIN ITALS)he(END ITALS) is therefore unacceptable.

The letter B stands for (BEGIN ITALS)belonging(END ITALS). We can give our kids a sense of belonging by creating a sense of community within the family. It's important that we give our sons and daughters a voice in family decisions when appropriate, that we listen to what they have to say, and that we support them in their activities.

Finally, the letter C stands for (BEGIN ITALS)competence(END ITALS). We can give our children the gift of competence by allowing them to experience life firsthand. This means we need to avoid being overprotective. And we should fight the urge to do for our kids what they can do for themselves. Even when they make mistakes, they'll be gaining life experience that will boost their sense of self-worth in the long run.

Acceptance, belonging and confidence ... if we can instill these A-B-Cs in our kids' hearts and minds, we'll be setting them on the road to healthy self-esteem.

Q: Every now and then, my 5-year-old daughter cries (usually when she doesn't get her way) and says things like, "Nobody loves me!" My family has a history of depression, and I wonder if my daughter's behavior is normal or if it is a sign that she is depressed.

Juli: You are wise to be sensitive to signs of depression in your daughter. However, the behavior you are describing sounds like a normal 5-year-old reaction. Children are not as sophisticated in muting their feelings as we are as adults. That's why they are so much fun to be with! Within a 10-minute span, they can experience elation and devastation, feel love and hatred, and think you are both the best mom and the worst mom in the world.

Even so, a 5-year-old can be depressed, and it's good to know what to look for. If your daughter were depressed, her feelings would be less situational. In other words, she would be down, expressing sad feelings even when good things are happening around her. You might also notice changes in appetite and sleep patterns. Depressed children sometimes withdraw, get panicky, and lose interest in things they used to enjoy. If you consistently notice these symptoms in your daughter, seek help from a professional counselor or her pediatrician.

You also want to be careful not to overreact when your daughter displays negative emotions throughout the normal course of daily life. If you go overboard with consolation and comfort when she makes statements like, "Nobody loves me!" you may reinforce that behavior. She needs a steady supply of love and affection from you, not just when she is showing negative emotion.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.