parenting

Divorcing? Let Kids' Teachers Know

A+ Advice for Parents by by Leanna Landsmann
by Leanna Landsmann
A+ Advice for Parents | August 1st, 2016

Q: My husband and I just divorced; our two elementary school-aged daughters will spend the school week with me and most weekends with him. They are still dealing with the impact of their father moving out. Should we let their new teachers know about the divorce?

A: Yes. You don't need to go into detail, but alerting the teachers is in everyone's best interests. Research shows that children whose parents were divorcing reported being more anxious, lonely and sad than children whose parents remained married. According to a 2011 study of 3,500 elementary children, parents' divorce caused setbacks in math and social skills.

"Any major change in a family's circumstances can have a strong impact on children's emotional wellbeing and sense of security," says Dr. Jane Bluestein, an Albuquerque-based educator and psychologist who works with teachers and parents to improve the social-emotional climate in schools. "Any big transition can affect children's concentration, commitment to school, achievement and behavior. So it makes sense to let the school know anytime some significant incident, loss or change occurs."

Bluestein says that when she taught, she always appreciated knowing if a student's parents were going through a divorce -- "not to make excuses for the child's backsliding or acting out, but to know that a little extra support and TLC might be in order. Teachers want to build a productive home-school relationship. Letting them know means that they can help your daughters through a time of change."

Keep an eye out for changes in behavior or signs of stress and anxiety. "Most schools have resources -- likely a counselor -- who can support students through these transitions," advises Bluestein. "Find out about what's available, even if you think you won't need it."

Routines and consistency are important for all children, but especially so for kids who are dividing their time between two different homes. Bluestein advises working with their father to align your school-related expectations for the girls. For example, establish a common bedtime for school nights and weekends; decide when homework will be done and how it will be checked; make sure you're on the same page concerning extracurricular and weekend activities so that they don't miss experiences that their friends are a part of.

Most important is establishing strong, ongoing communication with the school. How will you and their father stay informed about your daughters' progress?

Unless there are extenuating circumstances, "both father and mother should receive communications from the school, such as teacher and school newsletters, access to the school portals, notices of upcoming events, and report cards," says Bluestein. "You should both be listed as emergency contacts and, if possible, attend parent conferences together so that your daughters know that you both care about their schooling and share expectations for their success." Bluestein offers more practical tips parents on her website: janebluestein.com/2016/ways-to-help-your-child-survive-your-divorce/.

Another helpful resource is the book "Putting Children First: Proven Parenting Strategies for Helping Children Thrive Through Divorce" (Avery, 2010). The author, Joanne Pedro-Carroll, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist who has studied the impact of divorce. Her research-based advice can help you guide your daughters in the big transitions that accompany separation and divorce.

(Do you have a question about your child's education? Email it to Leanna@aplusadvice.com. Leanna Landsmann is an education writer who began her career as a classroom teacher. She has served on education commissions, visited classrooms in 49 states to observe best practices, and founded Principal for a Day in New York City.)

Family & ParentingMarriage & Divorce
parenting

Advice on Making Plans for Educational Road Trip

A+ Advice for Parents by by Leanna Landsmann
by Leanna Landsmann
A+ Advice for Parents | July 25th, 2016

Q: We want to take an educational family road trip so our kids -- going into third, fourth and sixth grades -- can experience things beyond our small town. Do you have any suggestions? No theme parks, please.

A: Begin the "educational" part before you set out. Ask the kids to do the research on where you should go and what you should do. Give them a budget and time frame. Then pull out the maps, apps and guides.

First, settle on a geographic region that offers several attractions to be explored without driving all day.

Next, make a list of all the events, institutions, parks and places in the region that might appeal to your kids.

"When they choose the places to visit, they arrive excited because they own the decision," says Eric Hamilton, the assistant director of the National Center for Science Literacy, Education and Technology at New York's American Museum of Natural History (amnh.org).

Create your list from travel magazines and the family sections of online guides such as Fodor's, Frommer's and Lonely Planet. Check out the family travel bloggers at Red Tricycle (redtri.com). Scan the region's hotel and visitors bureau sites for nearby attractions.

Find kid-friendly museums at the American Alliance of Museums website (aam-us.org). The Association of Science-Technology Centers (astc.org) and the Association of Children's Museums (childrensmuseums.org) also have excellent options. Check listings on the National Register of Historic Places (nps.gov/nr). The National Conservation Lands website (blm.gov/NLCS) shows monuments, wilderness areas, wild and scenic rivers, and historic trails.

Is there a National Park in the region you've selected? To celebrate the 100th anniversary of our parks system, the Department of the Interior invites fourth-graders and their families to visit for free. Go to everykidinapark.gov to get your family's pass.

Once you have a working list, ask your sixth-grader to create an Excel file with key information on your destinations. This should include their addresses, websites, prices (including "free family" days), hours, if reservations are needed for special events, the availability of free educational materials, what not to miss, visitor reviews and so on.

Be mindful of how much time you will have on your vacation. "Don't overschedule. Too often parents think kids will motor through one stop and then want to rush to the next, but we find young visitors want to take their time," says Jack E. Lighton, the president of Loggerhead Marinelife Center in Juno Beach, Florida (marinelife.org).

"When kids see these huge, magnificent creatures that have lived on Earth for more than 100,000,000 years, they have so many questions for our docents," Lighton explains. "They want to post their photos to Instagram. They want to follow the progress of turtles that we've brought back to health and released. It's a very personalized learning experience."

While you want the trip to be educational, don't overdo it. "If your kids want to keep a notebook, great. But don't require it or anything else that smacks of an assignment," says the American Museum of Natural History's Hamilton.

"The real educational value comes from the many conversations you will continue to have with your children long after the trip is done," he adds. "You'll connect what they saw to new learning. For example, if you visited a planetarium, discuss a news item about a SpaceX launch. Each of these experiences are building blocks for new knowledge."

(Do you have a question about your child's education? Email it to Leanna@aplusadvice.com. Leanna Landsmann is an education writer who began her career as a classroom teacher. She has served on education commissions, visited classrooms in 49 states to observe best practices, and founded Principal for a Day in New York City.)

Family & ParentingSchool-Age
parenting

TEEN MUST LEARN TO STRIVE FOR ACHIEVEMENT, NOT PERFECTION

A+ Advice for Parents by by Leanna Landsmann
by Leanna Landsmann
A+ Advice for Parents | July 18th, 2016

Q: My daughter Mikayla, a high school freshman, recently moved in with my new wife and me. She's such a perfectionist! Her room looks like Martha Stewart cleaned it. She's a competitive athlete and an A student, but stresses over things that don't go according to her plan. We're happy we don't have to nag her about school, but worry she's too obsessed with grades and getting into a top college. Should we be?

A: Since she's just settling in with you, it's unfair to Mikayla to assume she has a problem with perfectionism, says Dr. Jane Bluestein, educator and author of "The Perfection Deception" (Health Communications Inc., 2015).

"Welcome her with open arms," she says. "There's much to praise in a high-achieving teen who keeps her room tidy, aces her courses and has her eye on college. Take time to know her better. Support her efforts to excel."

That said, today's teens are subject to many parental, peer, academic and media pressures that can lead them to think that they must be perfect, notes Bluestein.

"To help her focus on the satisfactions of accomplishment, rather than the impossibility of perfection, help her learn four fundamental lessons," she advises.

One, the goal of effort should not be achieving perfection, but doing our best, says Bluestein.

"There's a big difference," she explains. "Perfectionism -- the belief that we can make all things perfect if we put in the right amount of effort -- has high costs: stress, loneliness, fear of failure, perceived loss of control, negative self-worth should the littlest thing go wrong. These can lead to a mental health crisis if they add up."

Two, it's OK to take risks and fail.

"Recognize her achievements, precision, care, attention to detail," says Bluestein, "but also make her aware that highly successful people succeed because they aren't afraid to fail. In Silicon Valley, it's viewed as a strength to have failed in a few start-ups, because it means you've gained experience that will be valuable when you tackle your next venture."

Encourage her to join a group such as a robotics or STEM (science, technology, engineering and math) club, where trial-and-error projects are valued.

Three, accept and use constructive criticism, says Bluestein.

"The ability to view feedback as a positive, not a negative, helps high achievers benefit from the wisdom of others and develop resilience," she says. "It defines them as learners who can work collaboratively as part of a team."

Four, help her develop a strong social and emotional core that will serve her when she's challenged by her goals. One way is to reflect on her achievements.

"Contrary to conventional wisdom, successful high achievers know how to take time out for themselves. They don't multitask 24-7. They nourish their souls, and can step back to gain perspective," says Bluestein. "They can calm their minds and look within so that they can continue to be creative. Perfectionists are so good at being busy that taking time to reflect feels like cheating."

As she embarks on her high school career, encourage Mikayla to be guided by Winston Churchill: "Success is not final. Failure is not fatal. It is the courage to continue that counts."

(Do you have a question about your child's education? Email it to Leanna@aplusadvice.com. Leanna Landsmann is an education writer who began her career as a classroom teacher. She has served on education commissions, visited classrooms in 49 states to observe best practices, and founded Principal for a Day in New York City.)

TeensFamily & Parenting

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