Q: My daughter Mikayla, a high school freshman, recently moved in with my new wife and me. She's such a perfectionist! Her room looks like Martha Stewart cleaned it. She's a competitive athlete and an A student, but stresses over things that don't go according to her plan. We're happy we don't have to nag her about school, but worry she's too obsessed with grades and getting into a top college. Should we be?

A: Since she's just settling in with you, it's unfair to Mikayla to assume she has a problem with perfectionism, says Dr. Jane Bluestein, educator and author of "The Perfection Deception" (Health Communications Inc., 2015).

"Welcome her with open arms," she says. "There's much to praise in a high-achieving teen who keeps her room tidy, aces her courses and has her eye on college. Take time to know her better. Support her efforts to excel."

That said, today's teens are subject to many parental, peer, academic and media pressures that can lead them to think that they must be perfect, notes Bluestein.

"To help her focus on the satisfactions of accomplishment, rather than the impossibility of perfection, help her learn four fundamental lessons," she advises.

One, the goal of effort should not be achieving perfection, but doing our best, says Bluestein.

"There's a big difference," she explains. "Perfectionism -- the belief that we can make all things perfect if we put in the right amount of effort -- has high costs: stress, loneliness, fear of failure, perceived loss of control, negative self-worth should the littlest thing go wrong. These can lead to a mental health crisis if they add up."

Two, it's OK to take risks and fail.

"Recognize her achievements, precision, care, attention to detail," says Bluestein, "but also make her aware that highly successful people succeed because they aren't afraid to fail. In Silicon Valley, it's viewed as a strength to have failed in a few start-ups, because it means you've gained experience that will be valuable when you tackle your next venture."

Encourage her to join a group such as a robotics or STEM (science, technology, engineering and math) club, where trial-and-error projects are valued.

Three, accept and use constructive criticism, says Bluestein.

"The ability to view feedback as a positive, not a negative, helps high achievers benefit from the wisdom of others and develop resilience," she says. "It defines them as learners who can work collaboratively as part of a team."

Four, help her develop a strong social and emotional core that will serve her when she's challenged by her goals. One way is to reflect on her achievements.

"Contrary to conventional wisdom, successful high achievers know how to take time out for themselves. They don't multitask 24-7. They nourish their souls, and can step back to gain perspective," says Bluestein. "They can calm their minds and look within so that they can continue to be creative. Perfectionists are so good at being busy that taking time to reflect feels like cheating."

As she embarks on her high school career, encourage Mikayla to be guided by Winston Churchill: "Success is not final. Failure is not fatal. It is the courage to continue that counts."

(Do you have a question about your child's education? Email it to Leanna@aplusadvice.com. Leanna Landsmann is an education writer who began her career as a classroom teacher. She has served on education commissions, visited classrooms in 49 states to observe best practices, and founded Principal for a Day in New York City.)

Q: My 5-year old daughter, Illana, has been so excited about starting kindergarten, but suddenly she cries when we talk about it and insists she's staying home with her sister. She loved preschool, so I don't get it. How can we get her ready for her first day?

A: Many children, even those with preschool experience, get last-minute "kindergarten jitters," says Shirley Harden, a retired Maryland principal who coaches parents on supporting their children's school success. She offers these tips:

-- If possible, visit Illana's school before classes begin. "Often principals encourage kindergartners to come for a sneak peek to see their classroom, cafeteria and other rooms," says Harden. "During your walk-through, point out bulletin boards and displays. Even show her the bathrooms, so she's familiar with the facilities."

-- Probe her worries. Because parents make the first day a big deal, kids may develop unwarranted concerns, says Harden. "Talk through any fears and put them to rest," she says. "Explain how her day will go and what she will do after school to allay concerns about how she gets home." Tell her about first-day jitters in your life, such as a new job. Explain that it's normal to have anxieties about new things.

-- Read books about starting kindergarten. "There are some really funny ones," says Blanche Warner, a library manager in Naples, New York. "Librarians have them ready in August."

Warner suggests these time-tested titles:

-- "A Place Called Kindergarten" (Puffin, 2008) by Jessica Harper. Tommy's animal friends become alarmed when they learn Tommy has gone to a place called "kindergarten."

-- "Countdown to Kindergarten" (HMH Books for Young Readers; 2006) by Alison McGhee and Harry Bliss. Ten days before school starts, a new kindergartner can't tie her shoes and fears the worst.

-- "Jake Starts School" (Square Fish, 2010) by Michael Wright. A boy worries about staying at school without his parents.

-- "Kindergarten Rocks!" (HMH Books for Young Readers, 2008) by Katie Davis. Dexter isn't scared to start school, but his stuffed dog, Rufus, is terrified!

-- "Late for School!" (Carolrhoda Books, 2013) by Stephanie Calmenson and Sachiko Yoshikawa. A teacher oversleeps and is late for the first day.

-- "Look Out Kindergarten, Here I Come!" (Puffin 2001) by Nancy Carlson. Henry looks forward to kindergarten, but he isn't sure about staying once he gets there.

-- "Miss Bindergarten Gets Ready for Kindergarten" (Puffin, 2001) by Joseph Slate and Ashley Wolff. This book introduces the alphabet as Miss Bindergarten and her students get ready for kindergarten.

-- "On the Way to Kindergarten" (Puffin, 2008) by Virginia Kroll and Elizabeth Schlossberg. This picture book helps parents show their kindergartner all of her accomplishments in the past five years.

Make a plan to support Illana's learning all year. Include daily activities such as reading each night, reinforcing social and emotional skills needed in school, and talking about a range of topics to develop oral language and a strong vocabulary. Find ways to connect math and science concepts to daily life by using science and math vocabulary; for example, "Today's weather brought rain. Let's measure how much rain we got." Encourage active play and limit screen time.

Introduce yourself to her teacher and offer your support, says Harden. "That way," she says, "should a problem arise, you'll have a working partnership from day one."

(Do you have a question about your child's education? Email it to Leanna@aplusadvice.com. Leanna Landsmann is an education writer who began her career as a classroom teacher. She has served on education commissions, visited classrooms in 49 states to observe best practices, and founded Principal for a Day in New York City.)

Q: The PTO president wants me to apply to be a parent representative on our school site council. While I'm active at school, I'm not a curriculum or budget expert. What skills do I need to be effective?

A: If the PTO president is encouraging you to apply, he or she sees that you have the skills, disposition and commitment to be successful.

School site councils usually consist of an administrator, teachers, parents and classified employees, such as custodians and aides. Some members are elected; others appointed. Members advocate for all parents and represent the interests of the entire student body, not just their own children.

"You don't need to be a budget whiz or know your state's learning standards inside out to be effective," says Bill Jackson, founder of GreatSchools, an online academic resource for parents and teachers. "You need to be willing to listen and evaluate data before making a decision and to communicate the importance of the school's improvement efforts to other parents."

The job of the council is to focus on things that really matter in boosting student achievement, says Jackson.

"It's to work with the administration to develop, review and evaluate school improvement programs and budgets," he explains. "It isn't to decide if the cafeteria should be painted yellow and blue or whether PTO fundraisers should disallow high-calorie treats. School site councils are most successful when their work is about overall student performance. If not, members are wasting their time."

The most effective PTO councils focus on four areas: academic achievement, school safety, parent engagement and discipline. Jackson says council members should grapple with these issues:

Consider the goals and priorities of the school, and determine if there is data that shows how well the school is achieving those goals. Look at the progression toward goals and ask if there are groups of students not doing as well as others. If so, consider what programs and supports can be put in place to help the students as well as how those programs will be structured and funded.

Members of the PTO also look at current programs to determine if they are ineffective or unrelated to the overall goals. If so, they may look at eliminating them.

Next, consider these questions: Can you deal with group dynamics? Can you keep your eye on big goals without getting caught in the weeds? Do you have enough time for the homework required to understand and debate policies? Do you have thick enough skin to live through arguments? Can you work outside your comfort zone, communicating the school's policies to the community?

"For example," asks Jackson, "can you help parents who don't see the value of benchmark testing understand why it is important to know where a student is strong or weak to adjust instruction?"

Many times, good policies get scuttled when rumors are passed along among parents. "They fail not for lack of effectiveness, but because parents don't understand them," says Jackson. "Council members have an important role in helping other parents understand why the school has a certain homework or testing program."

Attend a meeting as an observer. Talk with current and former PTO members. If you think you'll enjoy the involvement, then sign on, says Jackson: "Schools need the leadership of parents like you."

For more information, go to greatschools.org.

(Do you have a question about your child's education? Email it to Leanna@aplusadvice.com. Leanna Landsmann is an education writer who began her career as a classroom teacher. She has served on education commissions, visited classrooms in 49 states to observe best practices, and founded Principal for a Day in New York City.)