"Biff, schedule my Botox injection. The drive to the Hamptons is too much to bear." According to Insider, New Yorkers who battle weekend traffic to their Long Island enclaves are rushing to urologists for a cure for "Hamptons bladder": prostate artery embolization for men, which reduces the size of the prostate, and "bladder Botox," which decreases urinary frequency for women. "They come out to the Hamptons and have to stop four or five times on the way, but can't find a restroom," said Dr. David Shusterman, a Big Apple urologist. "When they're in a car with a bunch of people, they're embarrassed because they have to go to the bathroom every hour. I've lost three friends because I'm the driver and refuse to stop for them." One happy customer said he's "like a kid" after the procedure. "There's no dread now." [Insider, 6/29/2022]

Bright Idea

During a flight from Detroit to Denver on June 25, an unidentified passenger was reprimanded by a flight attendant and other passengers after he AirDropped a sexually explicit photo of himself to all the other passengers, the New York Post reported. One passenger, @DaddyStrange333, posted a video to TikTok documenting the incident; in the video, the flight attendant asks the man, "Why are you doing that?" "Just having a little fun," he replies. His fun came to an abrupt end when the flight landed and FBI agents escorted him off the plane. A Southwest Airlines spokesperson confirmed that the "unfortunate incident" occurred and that the airline "maintains zero tolerance for this obscene and unacceptable behavior." [NY Post, 6/27/2022]

Someone's Sleeping on the Couch

Colombian cyclist Luis Carlos Chia won a stage of the Vuelta a Colombia race on June 5 and threw his arms out wide to celebrate after crossing the finish line, Canadian Cycling reported. But he was immediately forced to grab the handlebars again in an attempt to avoid hitting a group of photographers -- among whom was his wife, Claudia Roncancio. Chia struck his wife with his bike, knocking her to the ground, where she lay unconscious as medical staff attended to her. "I don't understand why she didn't get out of the way," Chia said after the accident. Roncancio needed four stitches and was kept under observation in a local hospital, but she is reportedly recovering. [Canadian Cycling, 6/7/2022]

News That Sounds Like a Joke

Feel like you're forgetting something? That must have been how tennis pro Ugo Humbert of France felt when he turned up at Number Two Court at Wimbledon on June 29 without a key piece of equipment for his match against Norway's Casper Ruud -- his rackets. Reuters reported that Humbert, 24, had to tell the umpire, "I don't have any rackets -- sorry for that." Fortunately for him, someone turned up with three rackets in just a few minutes, and after losing his first set, Humbert won the match. [Reuters, 6/29/2022]

Compelling Explanation

When Thanh Ha, 54, allegedly set fire to his boss's house in early May, he had a perfectly understandable reason: "Spirits" told him to do so, he told deputies. According to WFLA-TV, Ha was arrested on June 29 in Pinellas County, Florida, on second-degree arson charges. Authorities say surveillance cameras caught him riding a bike to his boss's new St. Petersburg home, securing his bike to a nearby stop sign and approaching the home on foot while trying to cover his face with his shirt. Five minutes later, he can be seen running back to his bike and riding away. Ha also told deputies he was not upset with his (presumably former) employer. [WFLA, 6/30/2022]

People With Issues

When fire erupted on June 26 at the Church of St. Basil the Great in Pargolovo, Russia, parishioners first assumed it was faulty wiring that had sparked the blaze, Oddity Central reported. Damage to the outside was considerable, and some thought it was a divine message that they should build a bigger, more beautiful church. As it turns out, however, neither of those explanations was valid. Instead, a 36-year-old local man who was tired of his wife donating all their money to the church allegedly splashed the walls of the church with gasoline and, checking to make sure no one was inside, lit the match. "He worked 24/7, they have four children and his wife works at the church. Everything he earned, she brought to temple," a Russian newspaper reported. "Because of this, they had a conflict." The man admitted his guilt but was allowed to await sentencing at home. [Oddity Central, 6/30/2022]

Cut the Cheese Pun

The Bridge Bakehouse in Derbyshire, England, received an anonymous letter from a "disgruntled member of the local community," the owners believe, about a sandwich that's been on the menu since last September: the Cheesus Christ. The sandwich, which features caramelized onion chutney, mature cheddar and mozzarella, sounds delicious, but the letter-writer, who claimed to be associated with the advocacy group Christian Concern, disapproved: "Our clients do not wish to take this further, but feel they will need to in the name of Jesus Christ our Lord and saviour if action is not taken." However, the Mirror reported, Christian Concern confirmed the letter did not come from them, and no other person or local church has admitted to writing it. On June 10, someone defaced the bakery's outdoor menu, covering the sandwich name with white paint. On its Facebook page, the bakery posted, "To whoever has tried to cover up the 'Cheesus Christ' sandwich on our outdoor menu board with white paint, can you please not? And if it wasn't done in the dead of night by someone dressed like The Mask of Zorro we are going to be highly disappointed." [Mirror, 6/30/2022]

The Tech Revolution

On the evening of June 28, at the intersection of Gough and Fulton streets in San Francisco, more than a half-dozen Cruise robotaxis stopped operating as they should and stalled, blocking the intersection for several hours, Tech Crunch reported. The Cruise vehicles were launched just the week before in the city, operating between 10 p.m. and 6 a.m. "The first thing I say to my co-worker is that they're getting together to murder us," one online poster joked. "They even made it so the street sweeper couldn't hit an entire block." The errant cars were retrieved with the help of some humans. [Tech Crunch, 6/30/2022]

Irony

Ah, the thrill of the open road, the miles rolling by under your boots, the wind blowing through your mullet ... or not. According to Newscenter1-TV, Rapid City (South Dakota) Regional Airport has announced a partnership with the world's largest motorcycle rental company to offer rental bikes for the upcoming Sturgis Motorcycle Rally in August. Now you can fly in, don your leathers and roar into Sturgis fresh as a daisy. "We believe this added amenity will be convenient for guests," said Patrick Dame, airport executive director. [Newscenter1, 6/30/2022]

Have It Your Way

The Concord Mall in Wilmington, Delaware, is getting its 15 minutes of fame after a vendor there discovered a hidden treasure locked behind a wall: a fully intact Burger King from 2009, Newsweek reported. Thomas Dahlke, general manager of the mall, uploaded a video tour of the restaurant, including finding a bag containing grossly well-preserved french fries. Current and former employees posted that the space has been used for storage and for running a hose through to water plants in the mall. One poster quipped: "In Europe they've been finding remnants, artifacts and towns of the Roman Empire. Here they find Burger Kings." [Newsweek, 6/30/2022]

If getting a sound night's sleep is your aim, this "zero-star hotel" is not for you. Instead, the art installation in the village of Saillon, Switzerland, is meant to provoke deep thought about the state of our world. Brothers Frank and Patrik Riklin created a platform next to a gas station, upon which sit a bed and two bedside tables and lamps. There are no walls, ceiling or doors, and cars streak by on the road just feet away, Reuters reported. "In a nutshell, now is not the time to sleep, we have to react," Patrik said. "If we continue in the same direction we are today, there might be more anti-idyllic places than idyllic." The price for the no-sleep night: $337. [Reuters, 6/23/2022]

Oooohhhkkkayyyyy

He's the perfect husband: "Married life with him is wonderful. He doesn't fight with me. He doesn't argue and he just understands me." "He" is Marcelo, a rag doll that was made for Meirivone Rocha Moraes, 37, by her mother after she complained about being single, the Daily Mail reported. And to pile on to the Brazilian woman's joy, just months later, she found herself delivering Marcelo's rag baby! ("It's true, Marcelo got me pregnant. He didn't use a condom.") Not wanting to have a child out of wedlock, Marcelo and Meirivone were joined in holy matrimony before 250 guests and spent their honeymoon week in Rio de Janeiro, then returned to await the arrival of Marcelinho -- an event that was livestreamed on May 21. She says the birth, attended by a nurse and doctor, was pain-free. "He was here in 35 minutes." [Daily Mail, 6/23/2022]

Extra Value Meal

When a customer at a Carl's Jr. location in Skiatook, Oklahoma, near Tulsa, sat down on June 20 to eat his burger, he discovered something extra in the bag: a baggie with a "crystalline substance," Inside Edition reported. The manager replaced the man's meal and called police, who field-tested the substance and found it was methamphetamine. Officers arrested Bryce Francis, an employee of the restaurant, who was allegedly dealing drugs from the drive-thru window and told police he had put the packet in the wrong bag. He was held at the Osage County Jail in lieu of $25,000 bail. [Inside Edition, 6/22/2022]

Babies on Board

There's a baby boom coming to the NICU and Labor and Delivery department of St. Luke's East Hospital in Kansas City, Missouri, Fox News reported on June 22 -- and it's an inside job. Thirteen neonatal nurses are pregnant, and one gave birth on June 3. "About every two weeks, someone else would announce, 'I'm pregnant,'" said Caitlin Hall, the new mother. The due dates are spread out through December. "To be able to experience this all together has been such a relief but also really exciting," said Ellie Kongs, one of the nurses. [Fox News, 6/22/2022]

What's in a Name?

Since 2013, when he was only 13 years old, Le'Genius Williams, now 22, of St. Petersburg, Florida, has spent a whole lotta time in the criminal justice system, The Smoking Gun reported. After release from prison in 2020, he was arrested in 2021 and released on $12,000 bond in February. But his latest run-in with law enforcement was on June 13, when he allegedly struck his girlfriend in the face with a handgun, then drove off in a truck with another man. When police caught up with him, they found loaded firearms, cocaine and fentanyl in the vehicle. Le'Genius, once again not living up to his name, was held on $77,000 bond, and his earlier bond was revoked. [The Smoking Gun, 6/16/2022]

Compelling Explanation

When 35-year-old Gloria Harpel was confronted by police in Lansdale, Pennsylvania, on June 16, she was walking down the street wearing no clothing from the waist down, North Penn Now reported. Initially, Harpel told officers that she had thrown her pants down the storm drain, but later she said that snakes had eaten them. When taken into custody at 2:30 p.m., Harpel was making "nonsensical outbursts" and was sweating profusely; she was held at the Montgomery County Correctional Facility, where she presumably was issued a pair of trousers. [North Penn Now, 6/23/2022]

Smooth Reaction

A woman who was allegedly being held hostage in the Bronx, New York, used a food ordering app to plea for help on June 19, CNN reported. The unnamed woman, 24, had met a man online and agreed to meet him, but, she said, he assaulted and raped her. He took away her phone, but she asked if she could use it to order food. On her Grubhub order, she added a note: "please call the police ... please don't make it obvious." The restaurant, Chipper Truck Cafe in Yonkers, alerted police, who responded about an hour later and arrested Kemoy Royal, 32. He was held on $25,000 cash bail and faces charges in another assault that took place four days earlier. Grubhub offered $5,000 to the restaurant owner to "invest in her business as our way of recognizing her and (her family) for their quick thinking." Alice Bermejo, one of the owners, said, "We're just grateful that the girl is OK. That is the most important thing." [CNN, 6/22/2022]

The Tech Revolution

Amazon announced at its Re:Mars event on June 22 that its virtual assistant Alexa will soon be able to mimic the voices of specific people -- even dead people, the Associated Press reported. Rohit Prasad, senior vice president and head scientist for Alexa, said the feature would help build trust in Alexa, which has become "even more important during the ongoing pandemic, when so many of us have lost ones that we love. While AI can't eliminate the pain of that loss, it can definitely make their memories last." Just a minute, I have to ask HAL what he thinks. [Associated Press, 6/23/2022]

Oops

KXLY-TV reported on June 21 that a family in Spirit Lake, Idaho, has been left without a roof for three weeks after a contractor mistakenly tore the roof off their home. Jessica Hotvedt, the homeowner, said the contractor covered the house with a tarp and left a letter saying there had been a miscommunication and the crew had been sent to the wrong address. But now, no one will take the blame. The roofing company said their insurance would handle it; that company has denied the family's claims. In the meantime, rainy weather has caused mold and mildew inside the home, along with damage to floors, drywall and carpeting. Bids to reinstall the metal roof are coming in at over $70,000. The family has contacted the state's attorney general and the Better Business Bureau and is seeking legal counsel. "It was a very costly mistake and it should have been fixed," Hotvedt said. [KXLY, 6/21/2022]

Most Helpful Criminal

Jeremiah James Taylor, 33, broke into a Park County (Colorado) Sheriff's substation on June 20 near Lake George and took off in a marked patrol car, USA Today reported. But you can't really completely hold that against him, because at 3:27 a.m., when a call for domestic violence in progress was broadcast over the police radio system in nearby Teller County, Taylor was the first to arrive at the home in Florissant, siren blaring. The unfamiliar "Park County sheriff" appeared intoxicated and the car was damaged, and when Teller County deputies asked Taylor to turn off the car and step out, he sped away, later crashing into the woods after a high-speed chase and attempting to flee on foot. Finally, Taylor was arrested and charged with four felony counts, including impersonating a police officer. [USA Today, 6/23/2022]

"Forever in our hearts until we meet again, cherished memories, known as our son, brother, father, papa, uncle, friend, & cousin." The message on Steven Paul Owens' tombstone at the Warren-Powers Cemetery in Polk County, Iowa, reflects the sentiments of the family the 59-year-old left behind when he died in September of 2021, but the message within the message has the community in an uproar, WHO-13 reported. That's because if one reads the first letter of each line vertically, the phrase "F--- OFF" can be found. Owens' daughter said not only was the message intentional, but her dad would have loved it: "It was a term of endearment. If he said that to you, it meant he liked you. If he didn't like you, he didn't talk to you." A statement from the board of trustees that oversees the cemetery says community members are organizing a legal response and "will not stop until the headstone is removed." [WHO13, 6/15/2022]

What a Catch?

When Richard Kaser of Shelbyville, Indiana, took his friend Jon Hoop out fishing in the Ohio River on June 5, the hope was that Hoop would catch his first blue catfish, Fox 59 News reported. And Hoop succeeded with the first fish he hauled in, though the fish's stomach seemed unusually lumpy. Expecting to discover upon cutting it open that the catfish had swallowed another fish or perhaps a turtle, Kaser instead found a foam ball, part of a fish and ... a rather large sex toy. "When it came out, Jon, my wife and I started laughing," Kaser recalled in a Facebook post. "My wife immediately covered my daughter's eyes and turned her away from it." No word on when Hoop's next fishing outing will be, but it will be hard to top his first. [Fox59, 6/9/2022]

Say It, Don't Spray It

There's a big difference between paying one's respects and spraying one's disrespect, and Laurie Lynn Hinds, 51, of Quitman, Texas, knows better than anyone. KLTV-7 reports that Hinds was arrested on June 5 and charged with state-jail abuse of corpse for a November 2021 incident in which Hinds walked into a Tyler, Texas, funeral home, made her way directly to an open casket and spit on the corpse inside. A witness to the incident said Hinds was angry with the family of the deceased. Abuse of a corpse is a state-jail felony in Texas, punishable by six months to two years in a state jail and up to $10,000 in fines. [KLTV, 6/14/2022]

Lost and Found

Daniel Hughes was kayaking recently in the Ohio River in Maysville, Kentucky, when a bright yellow object tangled in debris on the riverbank caught his eye, KDKA-TV reported. Upon closer inspection, Hughes discovered that the object was a helmet -- specifically a firefighter helmet with markings identifying it as property of the Franklin Park Fire Department in Pennsylvania, some 422 miles away. The helmet had an ID card still attached, and when Hughes shared photos to the Franklin Park FD Facebook page, Chief Bill Chicots got in touch and shared the whole story. "The helmet belonged to Dave Vodarick, he's been a member of our fire department since 1974; he lost the helmet during a water rescue in October 2019," Chicots said. The rushing water failed to sweep Vodarick away three years ago, but it succeeded in ripping off his helmet, and efforts to find it had come up empty. The well-traveled helmet is set to return to Franklin Park, where it will be displayed in the fire department's trophy case. [KDKA-TV, 6/15/2022]

Better Late Than Never

It's not unheard of for a library to receive a late book return in the mail, but the package the Tooting Library in London received from Canada recently won't be forgotten anytime soon. CBC News reported that the package contained a copy of the book "A Confederate General From Big Sur" by Richard Brautigan, a book that had last been checked out in 1974 -- making it approximately 48 years and 107 days overdue. Efforts to track down and thank the borrower were successful, and Tony Spence, 72, a retired judge living in British Columbia, will be spared the late fees -- not only the $7,618.10 that would be charged if the fines weren't capped, but also the $10.50 maximum fine. "We're pleased to have the book back in a condition good enough to return to the shelves, if we wanted, and under the circumstances we're waiving the fines," a statement from the library said. "We thank Mr. Spence for returning it and hope he enjoyed it." [CBC News, 6/11/2022]

Let Me Off Here

A bus driver from Boston learned the hard way that in areas where cannabis is legal, it pays to read every label. As AP News reported, on March 13, police found Jinhuan Chen, a 10-year veteran driver for Go Go Sun Tour with an exemplary record, unconscious at the wheel of a bus pulled over on the side of Interstate 95 in Stratford, Connecticut. Chen, who, according to his manager, " doesn't drink, he doesn't smoke, but he has a sweet tooth and likes candy," had been transporting 38 passengers and munching on a package of gummy candies when he blacked out. Turns out the gummies were Smokies Edibles Cannabis Infused Fruit Chews, and toxicology reports revealed a high level of THC, the active ingredient in cannabis, in Chen's bloodstream. "This would never have happened a couple of years ago," Go Go Sun Tour manager Victor Chen said, "but now there's marijuana everywhere here." Jinhuan Chen will face 38 counts of reckless endangerment at his court date in August. [AP News, 6/15/2022]

Public Notice

-- When you gotta go, you gotta go, and apparently people gotta go quite often in Boston elevators. So much so, in fact, that AP News reports that the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority is incorporating new technology in four downtown elevators to help solve the problem of public urination. The new sensors, which use a fan to draw in odors and detect if urine is present, will alert transit ambassadors, who will send cleaning crews to deal with the situation. [AP News, 6/12/2022]

-- The Carter County Sheriff's Office in Tennessee has requested the public's help in finding the owner of a pig at large -- and when we say "at large," we mean large. The animal weighs an estimated 300 pounds, and it has helped itself to homeowners' plants and destroyed property during its wandering, reported WJHL-TV. "We have nowhere to put a 300-pound pig ... safely," said Shannon Posada, director of the Elizabethton/Carter County Animal Shelter. "We have no way of transportation for that large of an animal." Posada said local farmers may be called upon to help if the owner isn't found. [WJHL-TV, 6/13/2022]

One Person's Trash

The '80s ruled recently in a batch of auctions that may send folks into their attics on the hunt for forgotten treasure. The Houston Chronicle reported that a shrink-wrapped, near-mint condition 1986 "Back to the Future" VHS tape sold for an astounding $75,000 in a Heritage Auction on June 9, the highest price ever fetched at auction for a sealed and graded VHS cassette. It didn't hurt that the item came from the personal collection of actor Tom Wilson, who portrayed Biff Tannen in the movie trilogy, and that Wilson added a handwritten note and offered to sign the container for the winner. Wilson also sold sealed and graded VHS copies of "Back to the Future II" ($16,250), "Back to the Future III" ($13,750) and a '90s-era "Back to the Future Trilogy" boxed set ($10,000). Other highlights of the '80s-era VHS auctions included copies of blockbusters "Goonies" ($50,000), "Jaws" ($32,500), "Ghostbusters" ($23,750) and "Top Gun" ($17,500). [Houston Chronicle, 6/17/2022]

More Gas Prices on the Rise

New Zealand's Ministry for Environment recently proposed a plan to help curb the country's greenhouse gas emissions, Reuters reported on June 8. The gist: charging farmers for cow burps. The country is home to 5 million people, but twice that many cattle -- and 26 million sheep, to boot -- and almost half of its greenhouse gas emissions come from agriculture. Even so, agricultural gases have so far been exempted from the country's emissions trading program. Well, your free ride could soon be over, Bessie: Starting in 2025, farmers would have to pay for their livestock's emissions by volume. The proposal includes incentives for farmers to reduce gases through feed additives, and to use on-farm forestry to offset emissions. [Reuters, 6/8/2022]

They're Taking Our Robo-jobs!

As much fun as it is to yell "REFILL PRESCRIPTION" at the pharmacy's robo-receptionist (only for it to claim, "Sorry, I didn't get that"), the Spanish government wants to put an end to the practice for its citizens: A proposed customer service bill that would require companies to connect callers with an actual human upon request. The bill would also seek to force companies to answer calls within three minutes. "Far too many companies create bureaucratic labyrinths to stop you from exercising your right to service," said Consumption Minister Alberto Garzon. If it passes Spain's Parliament, the law would apply to all companies over a certain size, as well as all utility providers, regardless of size. [AP News, 6/6/2022]