Pastor Alph Lukau of Alleluia International Ministries in Johannesburg, South Africa, is facing lawsuits after a stunt in which he appeared to resurrect a dead man on Feb. 24. Sowetan News reported that a video of the incident shows Lukau placing his hands on the man's stomach as he lay in the coffin, when suddenly the man, identified as Elliott, begins to gasp for air and sits up. "Can you see what happened?" Lukau exclaims in the video. "This man died since Friday, he was in the mortuary. ... Devil, I told you wherever I find you I will kick you." Pastor Rochelle Kombou said the hearse driver heard noises coming from the coffin and ran away as soon as they arrived at the church. "I was screaming," she said. "I saw his tongue moving. ... The man of God completed the miracle by praying because prayer is the key." The lawsuits, meanwhile, stem from the misrepresentation of the situation to three funeral parlors, whose services were sought by church officials; a coffin was bought from one and the hearse was hired from another. Prince Mafu, who is representing the funeral homes, said the matter had been reported to the Jeppe police station for further investigation. [Sowetan News, 2/26/2019]

Least Competent Criminal

Christopher Thomas Knox, 37, of Hillsboro, Oregon, thought he was just calling for help when his car became stuck in the snow in Clatsop State Forest on Feb. 15. He didn't count on Clatsop County sheriff's deputies putting two and two together: In the car with Knox was a 13-year-old girl from King County, Washington. He initially introduced her to responding officers as his daughter, but they quickly determined the minor had been lured from her home. The Oregonian reported that Knox had started an online relationship with the girl's mother, and the girl left home without her parents' knowledge or consent. Along the way, Knox allegedly sexually abused her twice, according to the sheriff's office. Knox was arrested for attempted second-degree rape and first-degree custodial interference. [Oregonian, 2/19/2019]

People With Issues

Volleyball players at the University of Kansas had reported to Lawrence, Kansas, police a number of break-ins over 2017 and 2018, but it was the list of missing items that was most puzzling: swimsuit bottoms, socks, shoes -- and many pairs of underwear. After a spring break 2018 incident, police got a lead in the case: Surveillance video captured a suspect vehicle that had a dealership sticker in the window. The Lawrence Journal-World reported that officers worked with the local dealership, which had loaned the car to Skyler N. Yee, 23, while his own car was being serviced. Yee, a volunteer assistant volleyball coach since 2016, was arrested and charged with 15 counts of burglary, property damage and theft after police searched his home in early February, where they found a 40-drawer plastic storage container full of women's underwear, with each drawer labeled with a player's name; six other containers with underwear; and bags containing pink high heels, boots, a sundress and a jumpsuit that victims had reported missing, along with jewelry, sex toys and other items. Yee resigned from his position in mid-January; KU Athletics spokesman Jim Marchiony said, "We have taken precautions to ensure that he is not permitted to be anywhere near the volleyball program." [Lawrence Journal-World, 2/20/2019]

Bright Ideas

-- Smartmouth Brewing Co. in Norfolk, Virginia, launched a new "magically ridiculous" beer on March 2: Saturday Morning, a limited-edition IPA -- with marshmallows. Chris Neikirk, brewery spokesperson, told USA Today the beer is "brewed with in-house toasted marshmallows and bulk dehydrated marshmallow bits. ... It has a soft pillowy body with a slight cereal taste." Smartmouth hopes the beer evokes "nostalgia in adults who remember when ... Saturday mornings were a time that you sat around watching cartoons and playing games," Neikirk added, while warning that the brewery is "not marketing to children." [USA Today, 2/26/2019]

-- If you're looking for a creepy weekend getaway, The Gas Station along Texas Highway 304 near Bastrop now offers overnight stays. Why, you say? The old filling station was the setting for the 1974 film "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre." The Gas Station opened as a restaurant in 2016, serving barbecue and souvenir merchandise to film buffs. Manager Ben Hughes said the Coke machine in the movie is the same one that's now in the restaurant, and they have a van parked outside that's an exact replica of the one in the film. Now, he tells KVUE TV, fans can stay in one of four mini-cabins right behind the restaurant. But Hughes promises the staff won't try to scare you: "We want to make sure that everybody that comes out has a good time ... not just freakin' out or anything like that." [KVUE TV, 2/23/2019]

Unclear on the Concept

On Feb. 13, Nina Harris of Kentucky told her husband, Allan, that she wanted tulips for Valentine's Day. As she explains it: "He wasn't paying attention. He just said, 'Yes, I know.' When I got up, I had my first cup of coffee, and he said, 'Oh, your turnips are here.' And I said, 'Turnips?!'" Nina told WPVI TV. Allan's story is slightly sweeter: "I ... put the turnips in the bucket that says 'I Love You' on it," he said. "I went in there, got her coffee -- and here you go!" Allan, who admitted he wasn't really listening when Nina requested tulips, later made it up to her by getting her the flowers AND candy and balloons. [WPVI, 2/20/2019]

Wait, What?

Filipino medicine man Angelito Oreta, 55, has an unusual method of protecting himself and his home from thieves and attackers. He and his followers raid fresh graves near Manila to steal the kneecaps from corpses. Oreta uses a scalpel to remove the patella, then soaks the bone in coconut oil for several days to dissolve the skin. Once dried, the bones can be found scattered around his home or worn around his neck. "The benefit that the guardian angels from the patellas will bring is that they will help your livelihood," Oreta explained to Metro News. "The kneecaps are used for protection. Or they also work as a shield." Oreta gifts the bones to his trusted friends and followers. [Metro News, 2/21/2019]

Rude

Detective Constable Claire Fitzpatrick is no shrinking violet, evidenced by the fact that she's in danger of losing her job at the village police station in Bedwas, South Wales, England. The 44-year-old says her inappropriate language and habit of audibly breaking wind are just part of the "culture of banter" at the station, but she faces 25 counts of inappropriate behavior, including: farting outside her sergeant's office, using the C-word with a suspect, and propositioning a junior officer (asking if he wanted an affair with a "fatter, ugly, older woman"). DC Fitzpatrick told Metro News that swearing is "just the nature of the place" and she had replaced the F-word with the C-word as her word of choice. However, she appeared to have regrets about her actions, calling them "stupid." [Metro News, 2/26/2019]

Ewwwww!

Silence of the Lambs, indeed. A Manchester, England, woman named Joan has a unique project in mind for a custom clothing designer. It seems Joan, 55, is anticipating having her leg amputated because of peripheral arterial disease, reported the Daily Mail, so she posted on Sewport.com, requesting help to "create something beautiful and useful" -- a handbag, using her own skin. She has budgeted about $3,900 for the project, which she envisions as a "medium-sized handbag with a short strap and a section down the middle that will be made from my skin," she explained in the post. "I know it's a bit odd and gross ... but it's my leg, and I can't bear the thought of it being left to rot somewhere." There are no laws against her keeping the limb, although there is paperwork to fill out. Boris Hodakel, the founder of Sewport.com, reports that no designers have come forward yet to help with Joan's request. [Daily Mail, 2/20/2019]

Zen TV painter Bob Ross has been gone for 24 years, but his inspiration lives on -- at least at Madison Middle School in Abilene, Texas, where on Feb. 7, students in Brady Sloane's art class donned curly brown wigs, blue shirts and paint palettes for a "Flash Bob Flash Mob." Sloane's pre-Advanced Placement students were stressed about grades and projects, and she "wanted to find a way to reward them," she told the Abilene Reporter News. The students used music stands as makeshift easels, where they painted "happy little trees" and projected an episode of "The Joy of Painting" as parents memorialized the special day with photos and videos. [Abilene Reporter News, 2/7/2019]

Hangry

Asalene Branch, 29, was only defending her spot in a McDonald's drive-thru lane on Feb. 18 when she stabbed another woman in the head. Fox News reported that Branch and the other woman were waiting at a Memphis restaurant when a physical fight broke out over their places in the line; Branch took out a knife and assaulted the alleged victim, resulting in injuries that were not life-threatening. Branch was tracked down by police and charged with aggravated assault. [Fox News, 2/19/2019]

The Foreign Press

Valentine's Day is complicated in Japan. On Feb. 14, women traditionally give men chocolates: "giri choco," or "obligation chocolates," to their male colleagues, and "honmei choco," or "true feelings chocolate," to their boyfriends or husbands. (Men return the favor on White Day, March 14.) But according to Japan Today, Japanese women are rebelling against giri choco; 40 percent of workers see the custom "as a form of power harassment," and some companies have banned the practice. Women find giving chocolates to associates stressful: "Before the office ban, we had to worry about things like how much is appropriate to spend on each chocolate and where we draw the line in who we give the chocolates to," said one worker. [Japan Today, 2/5/2019]

People Different From Us

Looking for a new home? A newly listed suburban Philadelphia home offers something a little sideways from your typical basement rumpus room. The five-bedroom, 2 1/2-bath brick colonial in Maple Glen has three fireplaces, a gourmet kitchen -- and a sex basement. The finished lower level includes a bed-in-a-cage, complete with straps, whips and other accouterment for any buyer's "50 Shades of Grey" fantasies. Realtor Melissa Leonard stresses, however, that the basement "can be converted back to a typical suburban basement." Neighbors are shocked to find out what's been going on in their 'hood, but "I know it's a way of life for people," Leonard told Slate magazine. [Slate, 2/8/2019]

Government in Action

You think things are wild in the U.S. Congress? In Albania, Edi Paloka, an opposition lawmaker, was asked to leave the parliament hall on Feb. 14 and suspended for 10 days after throwing ink at Socialist Prime Minister Edi Rama. It all started when Rama scolded a fellow lawmaker for making accusations of corruption against the leftist government, according to Xinhua. A statement from the center-right Democratic party explained, "The action of ink-throwing is a rejection of the bullying exerted by the PM, which is witnessed by the public opinion." Apparently, Rama had repeatedly mocked Paloka during previous sessions of parliament. [Xinhua, 2/14/2019]

The Weirdo-American Community

A dispute over a box of Cheez-Its provoked a DeKalb County, Georgia, man to do the unthinkable on Feb. 12. As Jeremy Lamar Wyatt, 32, his brother and 61-year-old mother argued over the salty snacks, Wyatt went outside, locked his family inside the home, poured gasoline on the front steps and started a fire, according to WGCL-TV. Wyatt's brother was able to lower the mother down from a second-story window, and both escaped without injury. Wyatt, who had reportedly been enjoying some adult beverages with his Cheez-Its, was taken into custody at the scene and charged with arson and criminal damage to property. [WGCL, 2/13/2019]

News That Sounds Like a Joke

At Towson University in Maryland, an unidentified woman was reported wandering around campus just before Valentine's Day, showing coeds a photo of her son and asking if they'd like to go on a date with him. Awkward! The woman, thought to be in her 50s, staked out the Cook Library and the Center for the Arts in hopes of securing a love connection for her son, reported the Baltimore Sun. Towson police are hoping to identify her, not so they can arrest her, but to ask her to stop. [Baltimore Sun, 2/10/2019]

Least Competent Criminals

-- The moral of the story? If you're going to rob a bank in February, target Florida or Texas. Jason Mackenrodt, 37, was making his getaway after robbing the Bangor Savings Bank in Waterville, Maine, on Feb. 12. He scrambled across four lanes of traffic and into a restaurant parking lot -- where he slipped on the ice and sprawled on the ground, right in front of Maine State Police Special Agent Glenn Lang, who was sitting in his parked car. Lang didn't know the bank had been robbed, but he became suspicious when "the money and the gun he had stashed in his jacket pocket spilled onto the parking lot," Police Chief Joseph Massey told the Morning Sentinel. (The weapon turned out to be a BB gun.) Lang tackled Mackenrodt and took him into custody as police were responding at the bank. Mackenrodt was charged with robbery and terrorizing. [Morning Sentinel, 2/12/2019]

-- On Jan. 31, Julian R. Mitchell, 20, tried to use a debit card from a wallet he had stolen at a Nashville, Tennessee, bar, according to WZTV. But a fraud alert tipped off bar employees that the card had been lost or stolen, so they asked for photo ID. Mitchell fished out the Tennessee driver's license from the wallet, which, according to the Davidson County arrest affidavit, made it "plainly obvious" that the photo was not of him because of the difference in height. Mitchell, who strangely resembles a Ken doll, with blond hair, a red beard and black eyebrows, was charged with identity theft; officers found several other cards belonging to the same victim in the wallet. [Atlanta Journal-Constitution, 2/2/2019]

The Continuing Crisis

Passengers on an 12-hour Air France flight on Feb. 18 became alarmed when a man seated in the bulkhead row boarded the plane, then removed his pants and socks, settling into his seat in just his boxers and a T-shirt. Sitting across the aisle from him, passenger Lizzie Thompson took photos and posted on Twitter throughout the flight, reported The Sun. "Alerted the flight attendant. He offered to move me ... but just shrugged when I suggested he ask the man to put his pants back on," she wrote. Thompson also wrote that six hours into the flight from Paris to Los Angeles, the scantily clad passenger got cold, "so PUT ON HIS PUFFY JACKET." The man put his pants and socks back on after landing, much to Thompson's relief. "Nothing bonds a group of passengers like a man half naked in your section," Thompson wrote. [The Sun, 2/19/2019]

The Meth Made Me Do It

In Seattle, Douglas Braden Smyser, 21, boarded a plane on Feb. 13 on his way to Los Angeles and a drug rehab center in Malibu, but his behavior during the flight finally caused the pilot to land in Portland and have him removed from the plane. Smyser, from Bonney Lake, Washington, would not stay in his seat, tried to sit in first class and threw his backpack in the aisle. Passengers helped contain him until the plane could land safely. Smyser admitted later that he had eaten meth before boarding, which made him "suspicious and paranoid," reported KIRO TV. He also claimed to have a gun. He was charged with second-degree disorderly conduct and menacing, along with a federal charge of interference with a flight crew. [KIRO, 2/19/2019]

In Mumbai, India, 27-year-old Raphael Samuel, an apparent follower of antinatalism, is suing his parents (both attorneys) for giving him life. Samuel says he was conceived without his consent, so his parents should pay him for his life. "I love my parents, and we have a great relationship, but they had me for their joy and their pleasure," Samuel explained to The Print. "My life has been amazing, but I don't see why I should put another life through the rigmarole of school and finding a career, especially when they didn't ask to exist. ... Other Indian people must know that it is an option not to have children, and to ask your parents for an explanation as to why they gave birth to you." [The Print, 1/30/2019]

Smoke 'Em If You Got 'Em

Pavlos Polakis, Greece's deputy health minister, did not take kindly to a recent reprimand from European Union Health Commissioner Vytenis Andriukaitis, who admonished Polakis for smoking in public. Andriukaitis was in Athens Feb. 4 to mark World Cancer Day, reported Reuters. He also complained that the health ministry smelled of cigarette smoke and that nobody wears ties. Polakis replied in a Facebook post about the casual dress: "That's a lie ... the security guard at the entrance wore one. I don't. It's the suits which passed through here who bankrupted our country." As for the scold about smoking, Polakis retorted: "I'll decide when to stop smoking, on my terms." Greece has the highest rate of smoking in the EU. [Reuters, 2/6/2019]

Lost at Sea(l)

When researchers at the National Institute of Water and Atmospheric Research (NIWA) in New Zealand thawed out some frozen leopard seal excrement in January, which they use to study the animals' health, they discovered "deep inside the scat" a USB stick containing vacation photos from Porpoise Bay. Reuters reported the defrosted poo had been placed in the freezer in November 2017, and the USB stick was left to dry for a few weeks before volunteers tried it out. The only clue to its owner is the nose of a blue kayak shown in one of the photos. Should the owner want it back, NIWA has a request: more leopard seal poo, please. [Reuters, 2/5/2019]

Awesome!

Exterminators were called to the Rogers County (Oklahoma) courthouse on Feb. 4 after an attorney appeared in a third-floor courtroom with bed bugs falling out of his clothing. "Hard to imagine someone doesn't know ... bed bugs are crawling all over them, certainly in abundance," remarked Sheriff Scott Walton to KJRH TV. Courthouse officials met and decided to close the building at noon until exterminators could eliminate the pests. "I was told the individual that had them also shook his jacket over the prosecutor's files," Walton said. The buggy attorney, however, seemed unfazed by his parasitic companions, and it was not clear who would pay for the extermination. [KJRH, 2/5/2019]

People With Issues

The Harlem Romantic Depot lingerie store in New York City was the target of a vandal's political rage on Jan. 26. In surveillance video, the man can be seen pacing up and down in front of the store window, where two mannequins were on display: one of President Barack Obama dressed as a prince, and one of President Donald Trump, dressed as a princess and wearing a MAGA hat. Taking a brick or stone from a nearby construction site, the man used it to smash through the window, store owner Glen Buzzetti told the New York Daily News. Next, he yanked the Obama mannequin out of the window and threw it on the ground. A member of the store's security team was able to chase the man down the block and catch him, Buzzetti said. But Obama fans in the street weren't happy with him, either. "We had to protect him from the crowd," Buzzetti said. "He could have been killed. We had women trying to kick him in the head." He said the man kept repeating that "he hated Obama" and that "the (Obama) mannequin was looking at him bad." [Daily News, 2/5/2019]

Police Blotter

-- When firefighters responded to a house fire Feb. 5 in Altoona, Pennsylvania, resident Holly Williams, 37, was happy to tell them how it started. She and Michael Miller, 38, keep their car fuel in a container in the house, and they were arguing (about his drinking), and he was trying to take their car, so she flushed the gasoline down the toilet, reported the Altoona Mirror. Miller threw a lit cigarette in the toilet and as flames spread, Williams ran out of the house and called 911. Miller was arrested for arson, risking catastrophe and recklessly endangering another person; later Williams was charged, as well. [Altoona Mirror, 2/14/2019]

-- Phillip Lee, 27, was arrested Feb. 4 on charges of simple robbery and simple battery after his attempt to take cash from a New Orleans Popeyes restaurant went south. The Times-Picayune reported that Lee arrived at the restaurant around noon and tried to steal money, but he couldn't get the cash register open. So instead, he took some fried chicken and fled. Police caught up with him later, and the judge set his bond at $13,500. Popeyes is good, but wow. [New Orleans Times-Picayune, 2/6/2019]

Least Competent Criminal

Richard J. Betters Jr., 44, of Schenectady, New York, has encountered police detectives in nearby Rotterdam before, which explains why he had one officer's phone number in his contacts list. So on Feb. 6, The Daily Gazette reported, when a detective mistakenly received a text from Betters offering drugs, it was a law enforcement slam dunk. The detective played along with Betters, offering to meet him at the Taco Bell in Rotterdam, where he arrested Betters for criminal possession of a controlled substance (Oxycodone pills). He was held on $20,000 bail. [Daily Gazette, 2/6/2019]

Recurring Theme

It's happened again. In Fairhope, Alabama, 2-year-old Ezra Ingersoll visited Rotolo's Pizzeria with his family for dinner and game-room fun on Jan. 4. Soon, his sister alerted mom Kelsey that Ezra was in the claw machine. Ezra, hoping to get a toy, had crawled through the opening, but the flap inside wouldn't swing the other direction, so he was stuck. AL.com reported that police and firefighters responding took the machine apart to free the tyke, who received a free toy for his trouble. [AL.com, 2/5/2019]

Technology Update

And you thought smartphones were cutting edge! Samsung's Family Hub smart refrigerator offers a new app, Refrigerdating, that works something like Tinder. Instead of uploading a profile pic of yourself, according to United Press International, you lure mates with a photo of the inside of your fridge. "Let the world know what kind of person you are," the app's website suggests. "Refrigerdating will then hook you up with a variation of fridges, of different tastes, to pick and choose from." It even offers a little philosophical advice: "Remember, it's the unexpected mixes that make the three star restaurants." [United Press International, 2/6/2019]

Cabin Fever

As the polar vortex unleashed its cold fury on the middle of North America in early February, doctors switched from warning people about the cold to warning them about the dangers of flinging boiling water into the air to watch it freeze. The Chicago Sun-Times reported on Feb. 6 that eight people trying the boiling water challenge, ranging in age from 3 to 53, ended up at Loyola Medicine's Burn Center. "We strongly warn people not to perform the boiling water challenge," said Loyola burn surgeon Arthur Sanford. "There is no safe way to do it." [Chicago Sun-Times, 2/6/2019]