Some people can get pretty territorial about their food. So it appeared in Colleton County, South Carolina, on Sept. 29, when Ryan Dean Langdale, 19, warned his 17-year-old cousin not to eat his salt and vinegar potato chips. "Do not touch my chips, or I'll shoot you," Langdale told his cousin, according to a sheriff's incident report. The Charleston Post and Courier reported Langdale then went into another room, retrieved a rifle and "the rifle went off," according to the sheriff's document. Langdale summoned help but told police his cousin had accidentally shot himself while cleaning the rifle. Officers didn't think the story held up: The pathway of the bullet through the victim's chest was "impossible" if he had mistakenly shot himself, said sheriff's Maj. J.W. Chapman. Sure enough, when the victim was questioned after undergoing surgery, he told officers the savory snacks were at the center of the dispute. Langdale surrendered on Oct. 10 and was charged with, among other crimes, attempted murder. [Charleston Post and Courier, 10/10/2018]

Compelling Explanations

Yury Zhokhov, 41, a factory worker in Donetsk, Russia, was found kneeling in a field in early October with a knife handle sticking out of the top of his head. Zhokhov was conscious, and when questioned by police, he revealed he had stuck the 8-inch blade in himself. He was having trouble breathing through his nose, he explained, and hoped to make another hole he could breathe through. But the knife became stuck, and he couldn't remove it. Odditycentral.com reports doctors at the local hospital were afraid to touch the knife for fear of killing Zhokhov or causing brain damage. "It was horrific," a hospital spokesperson told local media. X-rays showed the blade "exactly between the two hemispheres of the brain." Specialists were called and Zhokhov survived the surgery without apparent brain damage, although surgeons are concerned about infection. [odditycentral.com, 10/9/2018]

Just Kidding

An alert (or nosy) passerby called police on Oct. 10 after seeing staff through the window of a Natwest bank in Birmingham, England, hiding and cowering under their desks. Officers arrived at the bank in hopes of catching a robber red-handed, but instead were told the workers were participating in a team-building game of hide-and-seek. West Midlands Police Chief Inspector Dave Keen tweeted that, although the incident was a misunderstanding, the citizen made "the right call," reported Metro News. [Metro News, 10/10/2018]

Weird Science

In Olympic National Park in Washington, the mountain goat population has baaa-llooned to an unnatural 700 or more animals. The park is also becoming more popular with humans, which has led to an unsavory consequence: In their constant quest for salt and other minerals, the goats have developed a strong taste for human urine and sweat left behind by hikers and campers. Goats will lick clothing and paw at the ground where people have urinated or disposed of cooking water, making them a nuisance, according to the National Park Service. Popular Mechanics also reports that the increased likelihood of human-goat interactions has park officials worried, especially since a goat gored a hiker to death in 2010. The answer: Park officials are tagging, blindfolding and airlifting mountain goats to nearby Mount Baker-Snoqualmie National Forest, which should be more hospitable to their needs. [Popular Mechanics, 9/28/2018]

Smooth Reaction

On Oct. 12, an Air India Express pilot guided a Boeing 737 up and away from Tiruchirappalli International Airport in Tamil Nadu, India -- but not ENOUGH up and away. As the plane took off shortly after midnight, it hit the top of a 5-foot-tall perimeter wall and destroyed a small landing guide tower. The Washington Post reported that, despite the audible collision, the pilot told the airport director the plane's systems were functioning normally and he was continuing toward Dubai, across the Indian Ocean. "But we found some parts of the plane, like an antenna, on the ground," the director said. Finally, about two hours into the flight, ground control convinced the pilot to return to India, where the plane landed in Mumbai. Indeed, there was a huge gash in the plane's underbelly, and mesh fencing was wrapped around the landing gear. All 130 passengers arrived unharmed and were booked on other flights, and the pilot and co-pilot have been grounded pending a review. [The Washington Post, 10/13/2018]

Questionable Judgment

Hatam Hamad, 56, a Palestinian and American dual citizen, made a name for himself on Oct. 10 as he flew from New Orleans to Heathrow Airport in London, reported Fox News. Six hours into the flight, after swigging five servings of wine, Hamad approached New Orleans TV executive Joel Vilmenay, who was sitting with his wife and two children. "This man had his penis out and exposed within 3 inches of my face," Vilmenay said in his statement to the Uxbridge Magistrates Court prosecutor, Wendy Barrett. Vilmenay said he stood up and asked Hamad what he was doing, whereupon Hamad "responded by grunting" and exposed himself to another passenger. At that moment, Hamad "slapped (Vilmenay) in the chest with some force." The cabin crew were alerted, and Hamad was removed to the back of the plane, where he was guarded for the remainder of the flight. Hamad, who has no previous convictions, at first denied having assaulted anyone, but later admitted his guilt, saying he had not drunk alcohol for three months but was a nervous flyer. His prison sentence was suspended, but he was ordered to pay Vilmenay $789. [Fox News, 10/14/2018]

The Continuing Crisis

In an apparent attempt to destroy what little brainpower he had left, 26-year-old Brandon McVay of Council Bluffs, Iowa, ate a Tide Pod, prompting a trip to the hospital. But while he was being treated in the critical care unit, McVay went on a rampage early on Oct. 4, causing thousands of dollars of damage to medical equipment, according to the Omaha World-Herald. A nurse told the responding police officer that McVay "was yelling loudly" as he broke objects in his room before proceeding to the hallway. Keyboards, computer monitors and glass valued at more than $7,500 were found littering the hallway, where McVay was subdued by security before police arrived. McVay was arrested and held at the hospital on charges of second-degree criminal mischief and disorderly conduct in a place of business. [Omaha World-Herald, 10/12/2018]

People Different From Us

West Virginia MetroNews reported that, for Jackie Fullmer, 37, of Fairmont, West Virginia, Oct. 9 started with trying to steal car keys from a woman at knife point. When police caught up to her, she ran toward their car with a hatchet and knife, prompting a deputy to shoot her with a stun gun. Fullmer turned to verbal attacks while being transported to the Fairmont Police Department, warning officers she was going to stab them in the neck and watch their "blood drain as she drank it" -- which, as it turns out, she could have done, because she had a knife hidden between her buttocks. That weapon was found during booking, and Fullmer admitted she had slashed the seat belt in the police cruiser with it before threatening to slit the officers' throats. She was charged with threats of terrorist acts and attempted robbery. [West Virginia MetroNews, 10/9/2018]

People With Issues

As Hermes Callijas-Gasperin's mother cooked his dinner on Oct. 8 in Bradenton, Florida, she accidentally bumped into her 22-year-old son. That's when he lost it, the New York Post reported, pelting her with the sausages she was frying and putting his hands on her neck. The Manatee County Sheriff's Office said Callijas-Gasperin told officers he just wanted his mom to apologize, but he was arrested and charged with misdemeanor domestic battery. [New York Post, 10/13/2018]

Genevieve Snow, 29, hired a Brooklyn company, Joanna's Cleaning Service, to spruce up her apartment on Aug. 27. It wasn't her first transaction with the company, and she let two women in before leaving for work that day. But when one of Snow's roommates woke up, she found one of the cleaning ladies sitting on the couch, eating. "You know when you're not supposed to be doing something, people jerk up really quickly? They did that," the roommate, Kristen Nepomuceno, 28, told the New York Post. Nepomuceno left for work, but when she returned around 5:30 p.m., the apartment was trashed, one of the ladies was gone, and the other was passed out on the kitchen floor next to a smashed spice rack. She quickly left and called police, who arrived to find the cleaning lady was sitting on the couch, eating ice cream. "She is ... hammered, beyond hammered," Nepomuceno said. New York police refused to file a report, so Snow gave the cleaning service a bad review on Yelp. That's when the owner of the company Snow had previously used, Joanna Cleaning Service, got in touch to say a former (fired) employee had started Joanna's Cleaning Service and had taken Snow for a ride. Now Snow can't get in touch with EITHER Joanna and just wants to find out who's responsible for the damage so she can sue them. [NY Post, 10/2/2018]

Weird Science?

Officials in Midway, Arkansas, still don't know what caused flames to shoot out of a hole in the ground on Sept. 17. Volunteer fire chief Donald Tucker was summoned to private property at the edge of town where the flames were shooting up to 12 feet high, reported the Springfield News-Leader. Tucker inspected the site after the fire subsided and said the 2-foot-diameter hole was about 3 feet deep and made a 45-degree turn at the bottom. "I took a temperature reading of it and it showed 780 degrees inside the hole," he added, but he couldn't identify the source of the flames. There are no gas lines nearby, and there was no smell of gas before or during the fire. He also ruled out a meteor strike or flaming space junk. Geologists from the Arkansas Geological Survey inspected the hole and concluded it had been dug by an animal, but they took soil samples for testing. County judge Mickey Pendergrass said Satan had also been ruled out. [Springfield News-Leader, 9/19/2018]

Awesome!

Kotaku.com reported on Oct. 3 that gamer Xopher credits the arcade game "Dance Dance Revolution" with restoring his health. Xopher grew up in Arkansas and loved playing DDR at arcades. But when his cardiologist told him he'd have to trim down from his 325 pounds or risk needing a heart transplant, Xopher got serious about the game. He found an "excellently priced" DDR machine on eBay and restored it, starting with just three games a night. Between 2014 and 2018 he got to under 200 pounds: "I've gone from a blood pressure of 140/80 to 112/65. ... I was healthy for the first time in my life." He also said he's now playing DDR competitively. [Kotaku.com, 10/3/2018]

Family Values

On the day Ester Price, 95, of Pamplin, Virginia, was admitted to the hospital with an unexplained illness, her son-in-law, Jack David Price, 56, kindly brought her a coffee -- "not an ordinary event," according to an investigator. Doctors found signs of meth in her system, reported The News & Advance. Jack Price's stepdaughter told the Appomattox County Sheriff's Office she suspected he was trying to kill his mother-in-law, and a neighbor said Price had once told him he should "put some meth in her drink," then claimed to be only kidding. On Oct. 4, Price was sentenced to six years in prison after pleading guilty to two felonies. [News & Advance, 10/4/2018]

Funsuckers

If you're over 12 years old in certain parts of Virginia, you'd better hustle up your own fun for Halloween night. In several communities surrounding Chesapeake and Newport News, KUTV reported, city codes make it a misdemeanor for anyone over 12 to wear a costume and troll the neighborhood for candy. Penalties include fines ($25 to $100) and up to six months in jail. Even lawful trick-or-treaters must be done by 8 p.m., and in Newport News, parents accompanying children may not wear masks. [KUTV, 10/8/2018]

Inexplicable

Staci Tinney of Charleston, West Virginia, was expecting a bank statement when she picked up her mail on Oct. 8, but instead she found just one item in her mailbox: a laminated picture of a llama wearing sunglasses. Tinney's surveillance video showed "a woman was hanging out of the passenger's side of (a black pickup) truck ... removing things from my mailbox, and looked like she was putting something inside my mailbox," Tinney said. WCHS reported other neighbors also were missing mail and packages that day. Tinney told reporters the mail thieves claimed to be "handing out wedding invitations," but she was dubious: "We don't know anybody who knows a llama personally." Charleston police are investigating. [WCHS, 10/8/2018]

People With Too Much Time on Their Hands

Producers and sellers of senbei, a type of rice cracker, joined together in Soka, Japan, on Oct. 3 to break the Guinness World Record for ... wait for it ... creating the largest rice cracker mosaic. About 200 people constructed a rendering of Leonardo da Vinci's "Mona Lisa" using seven different colors of rice cracker. The mosaic, according to United Press International, measured 1,250 square feet and required more than 23,000 crackers. [UPI, 10/4/2018]

Recurring Themes

Frontier Airlines removed a passenger before takeoff from a flight from Orlando, Florida, to Cleveland on Oct. 9 because of her non-allowed "emotional support animal," a squirrel. Passengers were alerted to a "situation" and told they needed to exit the airplane, according to 24-year-old flyer Brandon Nixon of Ashland, Ohio. "You expect the worst when they say something like that," Nixon told the Associated Press. When he asked a flight attendant for more information, "All she said was 'a squirrel.'" Police were called when the woman and her squirrel refused to deplane, and she was escorted through the terminal, pumping her fist in the air as she held the squirrel on her lap. [Associated Press, 10/10/2018]

Least Competent Criminal

A Springfield, Missouri, man took to Facebook in July to proudly demonstrate how to remove an ankle monitor. Dustin W. Burns, 33, had pleaded guilty earlier this year to violating a restraining order and was placed on probation. Authorities believe it is Burns using a butter knife and a screwdriver in the video, saying, "This is how you take an ankle bracelet off without breaking the circuit," according to the Springfield News-Leader. The narrator advises against damaging the electronic equipment so as to avoid thousands of dollars in fines. Subsequent Facebook posts reference trips to Utah, Idaho and Oregon, and a video shows a man resembling Burns walking through a large marijuana farm with the caption "Dream come true." He has been in the Greene County jail since Aug. 28 and was charged in early October with tampering with electronic monitoring equipment, a felony. [Springfield News-Leader, 10/7/2018]

Police Report

Police officers in Richardson Forest Preserve, near Cincinnati, thought they had come across a body in a plastic trash bag dumped in the woods on Oct. 4. Instead, they found "Mandi," a life-size female sex doll, according to Metro News. Residents from the area have erected a shrine in the doll's memory, leaving flowers and candles along with messages, such as, "Mandi, you were taken too soon. We will remember you fondly. RIP." The doll is thought to be an expensive, high-end model, which makes the mystery of its disposal even more perplexing. [Metro News, 10/7/2018]

-- A husband and wife have been exposed as murderers and cannibals in Krasnodar in southern Russia, reported the Express on Sept. 28. Natalia Baksheeva, 43, has confessed to killing and eating dozens of victims with her husband, Dmitry, 35, over 18 years. Investigators were tipped off to the couple's gruesome culinary tastes after a 35-year-old waitress, Elena Vashrusheva, and Natalia fought over accusations that Vashrusheva was flirting with Dmitry. Natalia ordered her husband to kill Vashrusheva: "Following this demand, the man took out the knife that he always kept in his bag and stabbed the woman twice in her chest. The victim died from her injuries on the spot," investigators reported. Police charged Natalia with one count of goading her husband into killing the woman after they found "steamed," pickled and frozen human remains belonging to Vashrusheva in the couple's kitchen. A photo found in their apartment from 1999 showed a human head served as dinner, garnished with mandarin oranges. Dmitry, who has tuberculosis, will be charged at a later date. [Express, 9/28/2018]

-- Tu Thanh Nguyen, 32, of Sunnyvale, California, made two crucial mistakes while she was visiting Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore in Michigan on Sept. 19. First, Nguyen was hiking alone, reported WLUC News. But her fatal error was stopping at a point along the North Country Trail to take selfies, where she slipped and fell 200 feet to her death in Lake Superior. Two kayakers witnessed her fall and retrieved her body, which they moved to Chapel Beach. However, first responders were unable to revive her. [WLUC, 9/20/2018]

Bold Moves

Three cheeky raccoons jolted a Toronto, Ontario, Canada, woman awake late on Sept. 18 when they broke into her kitchen. Jenny Serwylo heard noises coming from her kitchen and approached the critters with a broom, which scared away two out of the three. But a third wouldn't budge, barricaded behind her toaster oven and munching on a package of English muffins. "He was like, 'I'm eating, get out of here,'" Serwylo told the Toronto Star. She tried calling authorities but couldn't get any help, and her contest of wills with the raccoon lasted for more than a half-hour. "I was growling at him and hissing at him," she said. As she pointed the broom handle at the animal, it would grab the end and "yank it really hard." Finally, having consumed all the bread in the kitchen, the raccoon calmly went out the window, which Serwylo locked behind it. Toronto Animal Services spokesperson Bruce Hawkins told the Star that such encounters are unusual, but you be the judge: The city has created a guide for residents about how to deal with raccoon intrusions. [Toronto Star, 9/19/2018]

The Passing Parade

Gender reveal events, in which expectant parents creatively announce the sex of their unborn children, are taking on increasingly more ridiculous and, in some cases, dangerous proportions. To wit: Border Patrol Agent Dennis Dickey, 37, pleaded guilty on Sept. 28 to accidentally starting the April 2017 Sawmill Fire, which burned 47,000 acres in and around Madera Canyon in Arizona, prompting evacuations and closing highways, according to the Arizona Daily Star. It all started when Dickey and his pregnant wife hosted a gender reveal party at which he shot a target containing Tannerite, an explosive substance, and colored powder signifying the child's gender. When the target exploded, it caught nearby brush on fire, and Dickey immediately reported the wildfire and admitted he had started it. Dickey will pay $220,000 in restitution, and he is expected to keep his job. [Arizona Daily Star, 9/28/2018]

Oops

Things got tense for passengers on a GoAir flight from New Delhi to Patna, India, on Sept. 22 when a first-time flyer mistook an emergency exit door for the restroom. Travel + Leisure magazine reported that fellow passengers asked the man, in his 20s, what he was doing, to which he replied that he "needed to use the washroom urgently" and returned to tugging at the door. Airport official Mohammad Sanowar Khan explained: "Pandemonium prevailed ... and he was restrained. ... He said that the confusion happened because he had boarded a flight for the first time in his life." The unnamed traveler was questioned at the Patna airport. [Travel + Leisure, 9/26/2018]

What? Is That a Problem?

The Wagner Funeral Home in Jordan, Minnesota, made news on Sept. 26 when a judge released the details of a ruling against the mortuary for, among other violations, storing jarred applesauce in the same room where embalming takes place. Joseph Wagner, who runs the funeral home, was just helping out his brother, who owns nearby Wagner Bros. Orchard and needed some extra storage space, according to the Minneapolis Star Tribune. But the Minnesota Department of Health took issue with the jars being stored adjacent to a hazardous waste container, where blood and other waste from the embalming process are disposed of, and under an emergency shower and blocking an emergency eyewash station. Wagner was ordered to correct the violations and pay a $5,000 penalty. [Minneapolis Star Tribune, 9/28/2018]

What's in a Name?

-- In the remote town of Yungar, Peru, two candidates for mayor with remarkable names are duking it out: Local politician Hitler Alba Sanchez, who served as mayor from 2011 to 2014, has been challenged by Lennin Vladimir Rodriguez Valverde. Sanchez told The Independent that his parents had been unaware of the Nazi connection to his name when he was born, but even after realizing its origins, his father liked it because it "sounded foreign." Peruvians are known for choosing foreign-sounding first names for their children: Last year, Peru's junior football team featured a player named Osama Vinladen. [The Independent, 9/24/2018]

-- Election season brings out the funny name stories: In Belgium, 26-year-old Luc Anus is running for a council seat in the city of Lobbes. But when he tried to incorporate social media into his campaign strategy, he hit a snag: Facebook wouldn't allow him to use his last name. The candidate didn't miss a beat, though: He changed his online name to Luc Anu. Metro News reported that there are 49 people in Belgium with the last name Anus. [Metro News, 9/24/2018]

Recent Alarming Headline

At a Port Orange, Florida, Walmart on Sept. 28, Tracy Nigh and her 8-year-old daughter were taking a break on a bench inside the store when 81-year-old Hellmuth Kolb approached them and asked if Nigh was married. "He didn't seem like a threat at first," Nigh told WKMG-TV, but then Kolb started offering to buy the little girl. "The first amount was $100,000, the second amount was $150,000 and then the final amount was $200,000," Nigh said. "I then said, 'No, we have to go.'" They rose to leave, but Kolb grabbed the girl's wrist and kissed it. Nigh alerted store security, and the encounter was recorded on surveillance video. Another woman reported a similar incident. Kolb was arrested and charged with simple battery and false imprisonment. [WKMG-TV, 10/2/2018]

Nature Calls

Neither rain, nor sleet ... nor need of a bathroom break could stop a postal carrier from delivering the mail -- and so much more -- to a Memphis, Tennessee, resident. FOX13 reported Sept. 28 that a homeowner's surveillance camera captured the postman looking around as he walked up the home's front porch and urinating as he approached the mailbox. He then placed mail inside the box and continued on his rounds, leaving a trail of urine on the porch and steps. The homeowner told FOX13 he still hasn't touched his mailbox because he is worried what could be on it. A spokesperson for the USPS said they are investigating the incident. [FOX 13, 9/28/2018]

Inexplicable

An employee at the Manassas, Virginia, Giant supermarket had a memorable day at work on Sept. 15 when he spotted Michael Dwayne Johnson, 27, in the produce aisle. As the employee watched, Metro News reported, Johnson pulled down his pants, picked up a piece of produce and rubbed it on his buttocks. Then he replaced the produce on the display and pulled his pants back up. Manassas Police charged Johnson with indecent exposure and destruction of property after the store was forced to destroy several pallets of fruit. Police did not release a motive. [Metro News, 9/19/2018]